This is so helpful, SundaysChild. I do have to let go of my husband's feelings. They are not mine, and I accept that he is entitled to feel what he feels. I was able to speak to my daughter today. She has been moved to thee rehab unit and says she is committed to staying as long as Medicaid will let her. She sounded so clear-headed. My husband wanted to know if I had any updates and I told him about the call. He said he is still not convinced that she is telling the truth. I gave up trying to help him see that this is the best she can do right now. Again I am so grateful to have support here. It is a blessing to have the insights of people who have been where I am.

Hello, just wanted to let you know I have the identical relationship with my husband abour our AS. He won't talk to me about JJ and he resents that I visit him in jail. I told him he has his right to feel the way he feels AS DO I. So we leave it at that. It sure still hurts though when hurtful things come out of my husband's mouth about JJ. I have stopped trying to change his mind and I have stopped caring really what he thinks. If JJ turns his life around, then maybe my husband will notice. I cannot save them nor can I make it allright. at the end of the day, I can only save myself. Sending hugs and support your way dear.
Love
TT

I think men talk tough but still feel the pain. For many men, it's easier to be angry then hurt or disappointed.

When my son started to really act up, my husband was in such denial. "He's a boy, doing what boy's do." When he could no longer ignore it, I think he did everything he could to avoid feeling the pain, although we were in family counseling for my son. About that time, his Dr gave him a Rx for perocets for his back and I believe he started to abuse them so as not to deal with the pain of our son as well. At some point, it crossed over into addiction.

I am not excusing my husband choices. His coping skills were obviously very poor. I am just sharing so you can watch for any red flags. Most men like to avoid emotions that are uncomfortable. They are problem solvers and get very frustrated when they can't solve the problems!!

I completely understand your feelings, and obviously you understand mine. I can't give up hope that my daughter will eventually be able to live clean and sober. I feel like my husband has completely given up on her. He IS hurt, and it comes out as anger and nastiness. I can't believe some of the things he says about her. He feels betrayed by her, especially with regard to her lying. When I say, "She was doing what addicts do", he gets furious.

The big problem for us is that I accept his feelings, but he continues to spew his negative thoughts to me. I no longer have my best friend to go through this with. I can't express my feelings to him, because he gets angry and says hurtful things. He directs them at her, but doesn't understand how they hurt me, too. He will say, "You do what you want, but I'm done." And of course there is the name-calling and the constant, "She doesn't want to get better" and "She can't get better." Last night I said, "IF she is going to get better, she is in the best place for it (the rehab)." He said, "She's been to rehab 5 times. When are you going to wake up and realize it's all a lie?"

So it's better not to even talk to him about her. Negative things provoke anger and wrath; positive ones are twisted into negative ones. I am grateful to people here who really understand what it feels like. Hugs back to you TT. I hope we can help each other.

And to you, LMN, thanks again for your insight. I agree that men almost "prefer" to show anger than hurt or disappointment. My husband will go the extra mile to help people, but needs to see positive results to continue. He feels like the things he has done should have been enough to turn her around. And now he is stuck on thoughts of the time, money and emotional energy he now considers to be "wasted".

I'm praying that she will make it this time, but I know there are no guarantees. I can't and won't stop loving either one of them.

PerhapsLove, I am keeping your daughter in my prayers, and also you and your husband.

My husband also handled his feelings about our son differently than I did. That didn't mean either one of us was right or wrong, it just meant that we had different ways of processing the pain and grief. Our common ground, even today after my son has been missing 8 years, is that we both love him and always have, and we both pray for him each day.

It rips our hearts apart to watch our children self-destruct, and even when they are clean to know that at any given moment they can do it again. All any of us can do in the end is pray...for them, for ourselves and for all who suffer in the darkness of addiction.

Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.

. He feels like the things he has done should have been enough to turn her around

That makes me wonder if some of his anger is at his self maybe he feels some guilt just a thought.

I think that your husband has built up a defence mechanism due to the hurt. She's been in rehab 5 times n each of those times he has probably been full of hope thinking this time she will stay clean. I don't think deep down he doesnt love her i think she now has to prove to him that this time she's serious.

Maybe you both need to talk tell him what you've told us that you feel you've lost your best friend as when you talk to him about this he gets angry. Maybe it might be a good idea to not discuss this with each other for awhile maybe a week n concentrate on spending time with each other taking about YOU TWO maybe go for a meal or to the cinema. I get that as a mam your daughter is imortant but so are you and your marriage. Let her work her recovery n you to work yours.

Maybe your husband feels neglected or worried about you, tired of seeing you hurt n getting your hopes up and that could be why he speaks to you the way he does when you mention your daughter and her 'doing what addicts do.'

Feel free to pm me anytime if you want someone to talk to n keep posting for supprt

Take care,
Evey xxx.

This is a good point as hidden guilt can be masked by anger x

Just another tidbit about my husbands reaction. When I speak about JJ and his legal status, my husband does ask further questions.We are going to his sentencing on 11/14 and I believe that my husband will be affected by seeing his son in shackles. I think that will actually help him understand that JJ is paying his dues.
I have let this go since I am powerless to intervene in ways of the heart.

I am sure the shackles will have an affect I know it does when I see my oldest AS.