Blogs


Notices

Entering the Next Phase

Old 11-01-2012, 10:28 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 113
Entering the Next Phase

Today I have moved into the sadness stage of my grief process. My AD screwed up yet another chance at leaving her addictions behind. She was kicked out of a potentially wonderful roommate situation because she couldn't stay clean and sober. The roommate called an ambulance three times yesterday and each time, my AD signed herself out of the ER and refused to go to rehab.

She called from the bus station this morning, obviously drunk or under the influence of something. She is going back to the heroin addict she has lived with (at his parents' home) for almost 2 years. The guy who introduced her to heroin and cocaine. The guy who shot her up with an overdose of heroin and tried to "undo" it with a dose of cocaine. She ended up on life support that time.

She said she will go to rehab. She has said that before. She said she is sorry. I believe that, but I know she is doomed to repeat the behavior without professional help. She said she loves me. I know she does.

I worry that she is a sitting duck for those who would do her harm while she is waiting for the bus. But there is nothing I can do. Nothing I can ever do to keep her safe. I remember the little blonde girl happily doing the "Snoopy dance" when she opened Christmas presents. I remember the brilliant student who could have been anything in life she wanted.

I have come to rely on these pages for information and support. I really need this now. I will continue to read and post and go to Al-anon. I will also get professional help for myself.

I have also spoken with my other children and her ex-husband about making plans for her funeral. As morose as it sounds, I want to have plans in place so that the decisions are mechanical and I don't have to make them in such intense pain when/if necessary. That is how sad I feel today. I know it will get better.
PerhapsLove is offline  
The Following 24 Users Say Thank You to PerhapsLove For This Useful Post:
Ann (11-10-2012), Chino (11-10-2012), crazybabie (11-01-2012), dollydo (11-01-2012), EJG123 (11-07-2012), Faithlove (11-06-2012), farfaraway (11-01-2012), HopefulmomtoD (11-06-2012), Ilovemysonjj (11-02-2012), Impurrfect (11-01-2012), JMFburns (11-04-2012), KariSue (11-10-2012), Lara (11-02-2012), LoveMeNow (11-01-2012), mfox (11-02-2012), PaperDolls (11-02-2012), pommie (11-11-2012), sojourner (11-01-2012), stress (11-01-2012), supportforme (11-07-2012), TearsforSon (11-01-2012), tjp613 (11-01-2012), Vale (11-01-2012), whaty (11-03-2012)
Old 11-01-2012, 10:38 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
I am so sorry you have to go through this.
Sueski is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Sueski For This Useful Post:
Ann (11-10-2012), crazybabie (11-01-2012), Impurrfect (11-01-2012), PerhapsLove (11-01-2012), Vale (11-01-2012)
Old 11-01-2012, 11:17 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
crazybabie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Blog Entries: 3
I am sorry your having a sad day tomorrow will be better.
crazybabie is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to crazybabie For This Useful Post:
Ann (11-10-2012), Impurrfect (11-01-2012), PerhapsLove (11-01-2012), Vale (11-01-2012)
Old 11-01-2012, 11:25 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
PerhapsLove: Lots of hugs from the mother of an AS. I too have made mental plans for when I get the phone call that my son is dead. We live in a surreal world, and most do not know our thought life.

Sojourner
sojourner is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to sojourner For This Useful Post:
Ann (11-10-2012), crazybabie (11-01-2012), Impurrfect (11-01-2012), NoGround (11-01-2012), PerhapsLove (11-01-2012), Vale (11-01-2012)
Old 11-01-2012, 01:33 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Vale's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 2,279
...of all the reasons we come to SR----perhaps the saddest is to grieve.

to grieve what once was,what could have been,and that which (in all likelihood)
...will never be.
Vale is offline  
The Following 14 Users Say Thank You to Vale For This Useful Post:
Ann (11-10-2012), crazybabie (11-02-2012), ED1969 (11-06-2012), Impurrfect (11-01-2012), KariSue (11-10-2012), Lara (11-02-2012), mfox (11-02-2012), NoGround (11-01-2012), PerhapsLove (11-02-2012), pommie (11-11-2012), rsk (11-01-2012), sojourner (11-02-2012), SundaysChild (11-08-2012), supportforme (11-07-2012)
Old 11-01-2012, 06:34 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
I have a little girl who's almost four and my heart just sunk when I read your memory of her doing a snoopy dance when she was young. I can't imagine the grief you feel. You will be in my thougths. I pray your daughter finds her way.
madisonblake is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to madisonblake For This Useful Post:
Ann (11-10-2012), crazybabie (11-02-2012), Impurrfect (11-01-2012), LoveMeNow (11-01-2012), mfox (11-02-2012), PerhapsLove (11-02-2012), Supersarah (11-08-2012), supportforme (11-07-2012), Vale (11-01-2012)
Old 11-01-2012, 07:00 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
 
LoveMeNow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,613
I know how painful it is to let go of someone you love soooo much. Giving them to God may sound like a cliché' but HE really only loans them to us and loves them way more then we possibly can. Keep your faith. His love never fails.

You, your family, and your precious daughter are in my thoughts and prayers.
LoveMeNow is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to LoveMeNow For This Useful Post:
Ann (11-10-2012), crazybabie (11-02-2012), JMFburns (11-04-2012), mfox (11-02-2012), PerhapsLove (11-02-2012), supportforme (11-07-2012), Tarot (11-10-2012), Vale (11-01-2012)
Old 11-01-2012, 07:05 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
Just giving you a big HUG. This is an impossible situation and you know as I do the only thing you can do is to take care of yourself. But....I also know that feels very uncomfortable right now. So the best thing I have to offer is a hug, some understanding and the hope that you have the strength to do what you know you need to do tomorrow.

It's so hard......we are here to walk with you through it all.....
cangel2 is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to cangel2 For This Useful Post:
Ann (11-10-2012), crazybabie (11-02-2012), LoveMeNow (11-06-2012), mfox (11-02-2012), PerhapsLove (11-02-2012), supportforme (11-07-2012), Vale (11-01-2012)
Old 11-02-2012, 01:42 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
crazybabie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Blog Entries: 3
Hoping today was a better day and sending prayers.
crazybabie is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to crazybabie For This Useful Post:
Ann (11-10-2012), PerhapsLove (11-02-2012), Vale (11-02-2012)
Old 11-02-2012, 04:08 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by PerhapsLove View Post
I have also spoken with my other children and her ex-husband about making plans for her funeral. As morose as it sounds, I want to have plans in place so that the decisions are mechanical and I don't have to make them in such intense pain when/if necessary. That is how sad I feel today. I know it will get better.
My heart goes out to you. I don't believe anything anyone here on SR has any words of advice which can take away the incredible, soul destroying, gut wrenching pain you are going through right now. It seems from your post you do know it anyway - that this completely out of your hands. Easy to understand objectively - but I can't imagine as a mother - how you must be feeling.

All I know during the times of my greatest despair - facing unbelievable grief and loss (not through addiction but losing my darling, gorgeous 23 year old brother in a car crash) - that the oNLY thing which kept me together - was an untouchable believe, deep in my soul, that my brother is okay - and that God is looking after all of us - though right now - for you - you must be wondering where He is? And why is he not there for your daughter.... But you won't know it now - He is there for YOU and for your daughter.... I promise you that!
Lara is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Lara For This Useful Post:
Ann (11-10-2012), crazybabie (11-02-2012), mfox (11-02-2012), PerhapsLove (11-02-2012), supportforme (11-07-2012), Vale (11-02-2012)
Old 11-02-2012, 04:09 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by Vale View Post
...of all the reasons we come to SR----perhaps the saddest is to grieve.

to grieve what once was,what could have been,and that which (in all likelihood)
...will never be.
Oh Vale - you always write so beautifully - even though now you have me in tears at my desk!
Lara is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Lara For This Useful Post:
Ann (11-10-2012), crazybabie (11-02-2012), ED1969 (11-06-2012), mfox (11-02-2012), PerhapsLove (11-02-2012), supportforme (11-07-2012), Vale (11-02-2012)
Old 11-02-2012, 12:22 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,697
My heart goes out to you dear Perhaps. It is such a devastating and soul crushing feeling. All I know is I ask for help from my SR family, and prayers. After I ask, I ALWAYS receive such support and I feel the strength from this community to help me through the dark days. I pray now for you and your family to have peace and grace upon your daughter.
Love
TT
Ilovemysonjj is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Ilovemysonjj For This Useful Post:
Ann (11-10-2012), crazybabie (11-03-2012), mfox (11-02-2012), PerhapsLove (11-02-2012), supportforme (11-07-2012), Vale (11-02-2012)
Old 11-02-2012, 12:56 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
GardenMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
PerhapsLove--here's a big mama hug for you, honey. So sorry for your pain. It is so mean & intense how we have to grieve their potential death as intensely as the real one--perhaps as a way to deal with the complete lack of control we have over the outcome? I think it is very wise and cathartic of you to make some kind of plan for her funeral. I think it will help you work through your sadness in a practical yet spiritual way. Even if you just write down what you'd like to do, I bet it might alleviate some of the sorrow. Let me know!

My heart goes out to you--in my prayers, I will ask that your grief is lifted, and that you will be graced with all the strength you need. Keep taking care of your heart and soul in as many ways as you can. Keep in touch with us here. And get yourself some flowers...
GardenMama is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to GardenMama For This Useful Post:
Ann (11-10-2012), crazybabie (11-03-2012), PerhapsLove (11-02-2012), supportforme (11-07-2012), Vale (11-02-2012)
Old 11-02-2012, 04:04 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 113
All of you are so supportive! I don't know what I would be doing if I hadn't found SR. The different types of experience you all have had and are willing to share make my struggle easier, just to know that I am heard and understood and cared about.

Hugs and thanks to all of you for taking the time to share. I am grateful that God led me here and I know I will make it through this.
PerhapsLove is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to PerhapsLove For This Useful Post:
Ann (11-10-2012), crazybabie (11-03-2012), sojourner (11-05-2012), supportforme (11-07-2012), Vale (11-02-2012)
Old 11-02-2012, 04:44 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Vale's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 2,279
Thanks,Lara.
I think PL's statement:

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I worry that she is a sitting duck for those who would do her harm while she is waiting for the bus. But there is nothing I can do. Nothing I can ever do to keep her safe. I remember the little blonde girl happily doing the "Snoopy dance" when she opened Christmas presents. I remember the brilliant student who could have been anything in life she wanted.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

......hit us all in the gut.Hard.

May your precious daughter do the Snoopy dance forever---and may God be
by her side as she waits for that bus......his special vengeance reserved
for those who would even THINK about bringing harm to her.
Vale is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Vale For This Useful Post:
Ann (11-10-2012), crazybabie (11-03-2012), Faithlove (11-06-2012), Ilovemysonjj (11-02-2012), LoveMeNow (11-06-2012), PerhapsLove (11-04-2012), supportforme (11-07-2012)
Old 11-02-2012, 05:49 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Uk
Posts: 764
Hugs. You n your daughter are in my prayers xxxx
eveleivibe is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to eveleivibe For This Useful Post:
Ann (11-10-2012), crazybabie (11-03-2012), PerhapsLove (11-04-2012)
Old 11-04-2012, 04:32 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
JMFburns's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
PerhapsLove,

You and your family are in my thoughts this evening. Put her in God's hands/her HP's hands and let go - if only for 5 minutes at a time, it's the best you can do.
JMFburns is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to JMFburns For This Useful Post:
Ann (11-10-2012), crazybabie (11-04-2012), PerhapsLove (11-05-2012)
Old 11-06-2012, 02:15 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Faithlove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
My heart was so heavy after reading your post. I just cannot imagine how devastating it is to watch your beautiful child live like this. She is blessed to have you for her mama.

You and your daughter are in my prayers. (((PerhapsLove)))
Faithlove is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Faithlove For This Useful Post:
Ann (11-10-2012), crazybabie (11-08-2012), PerhapsLove (11-07-2012), supportforme (11-07-2012)
Old 11-07-2012, 08:11 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 113
Thank you for all the hugs and support. I have been reading posts everyday to keep up my emotional strength. My husband decided he can't have any contact with her for now. He can't even talk about her without getting furious. It is so difficult for me to listen to the things that he says. I don't blame him for his feelings and I do believe he will have a different attitude if she starts to make better choices.

As of today, she has been in detox for 5 days. I've been calling the facility and leaving supportive messages for her, since she can't talk until she is transferred to the rehab section. Hopefully that will be tomorrow.

Someday, I hope to be able to offer the support and kindness to others the way I have gotten it here. It has made all the difference to me. It has been such a source of strength.
PerhapsLove is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to PerhapsLove For This Useful Post:
Ann (11-10-2012), crazybabie (11-08-2012), eveleivibe (11-10-2012), Impurrfect (11-10-2012), LoveMeNow (11-09-2012), sojourner (11-08-2012), Supersarah (11-08-2012), supportforme (11-07-2012)
Old 11-08-2012, 07:54 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by PerhapsLove View Post
My husband decided he can't have any contact with her for now. He can't even talk about her without getting furious. It is so difficult for me to listen to the things that he says. I don't blame him for his feelings and I do believe he will have a different attitude if she starts to make better choices..

Everyone has their own journey, and everyone deals with pain differently. I would be a rich woman if I had a dime for every time my husband said "We'd be better off if he were dead...or I don't have a son anymore...or similar statements." It would cut right through me. In addition to letting go of my son, I needed to let go of my husband's feelings - they aren't MY feelings- and I shouldn't feel them along with him.


My son is working recovery for now, so I don't hear this anymore - but I'm sure if he relapses again, my husband will go right back to that place of fear...which for him, comes out as anger.

I pray that your daughter will turn to recovery this time around, and I pray that you will have the strength to deal with whatever comes.

**{Hugs}}
SundaysChild is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to SundaysChild For This Useful Post:
Ann (11-10-2012), crazybabie (11-08-2012), eveleivibe (11-10-2012), Ilovemysonjj (11-10-2012), PerhapsLove (11-09-2012)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:36 PM.