Entering the Next Phase
 

Today I have moved into the sadness stage of my grief process. My AD screwed up yet another chance at leaving her addictions behind. She was kicked out of a potentially wonderful roommate situation because she couldn't stay clean and sober. The roommate called an ambulance three times yesterday and each time, my AD signed herself out of the ER and refused to go to rehab.

She called from the bus station this morning, obviously drunk or under the influence of something. She is going back to the heroin addict she has lived with (at his parents' home) for almost 2 years. The guy who introduced her to heroin and cocaine. The guy who shot her up with an overdose of heroin and tried to "undo" it with a dose of cocaine. She ended up on life support that time.

She said she will go to rehab. She has said that before. She said she is sorry. I believe that, but I know she is doomed to repeat the behavior without professional help. She said she loves me. I know she does.

I worry that she is a sitting duck for those who would do her harm while she is waiting for the bus. But there is nothing I can do. Nothing I can ever do to keep her safe. I remember the little blonde girl happily doing the "Snoopy dance" when she opened Christmas presents. I remember the brilliant student who could have been anything in life she wanted.

I have come to rely on these pages for information and support. I really need this now. I will continue to read and post and go to Al-anon. I will also get professional help for myself.

I have also spoken with my other children and her ex-husband about making plans for her funeral. As morose as it sounds, I want to have plans in place so that the decisions are mechanical and I don't have to make them in such intense pain when/if necessary. That is how sad I feel today. I know it will get better.

I am so sorry you have to go through this.

I am sorry your having a sad day tomorrow will be better.

PerhapsLove: Lots of hugs from the mother of an AS. I too have made mental plans for when I get the phone call that my son is dead. We live in a surreal world, and most do not know our thought life.

Sojourner

...of all the reasons we come to SR----perhaps the saddest is to grieve.

to grieve what once was,what could have been,and that which (in all likelihood)
...will never be.

I have a little girl who's almost four and my heart just sunk when I read your memory of her doing a snoopy dance when she was young. I can't imagine the grief you feel. You will be in my thougths. I pray your daughter finds her way.

I know how painful it is to let go of someone you love soooo much. Giving them to God may sound like a cliché' but HE really only loans them to us and loves them way more then we possibly can. Keep your faith. His love never fails.

You, your family, and your precious daughter are in my thoughts and prayers.

Just giving you a big HUG. This is an impossible situation and you know as I do the only thing you can do is to take care of yourself. But....I also know that feels very uncomfortable right now. So the best thing I have to offer is a hug, some understanding and the hope that you have the strength to do what you know you need to do tomorrow.

It's so hard......we are here to walk with you through it all.....

Hoping today was a better day and sending prayers.

My heart goes out to you. I don't believe anything anyone here on SR has any words of advice which can take away the incredible, soul destroying, gut wrenching pain you are going through right now. It seems from your post you do know it anyway - that this completely out of your hands. Easy to understand objectively - but I can't imagine as a mother - how you must be feeling.

All I know during the times of my greatest despair - facing unbelievable grief and loss (not through addiction but losing my darling, gorgeous 23 year old brother in a car crash) - that the oNLY thing which kept me together - was an untouchable believe, deep in my soul, that my brother is okay - and that God is looking after all of us - though right now - for you - you must be wondering where He is? And why is he not there for your daughter.... But you won't know it now - He is there for YOU and for your daughter.... I promise you that!

Oh Vale - you always write so beautifully - even though now you have me in tears at my desk!

My heart goes out to you dear Perhaps. It is such a devastating and soul crushing feeling. All I know is I ask for help from my SR family, and prayers. After I ask, I ALWAYS receive such support and I feel the strength from this community to help me through the dark days. I pray now for you and your family to have peace and grace upon your daughter.
Love
TT

PerhapsLove--here's a big mama hug for you, honey. So sorry for your pain. It is so mean & intense how we have to grieve their potential death as intensely as the real one--perhaps as a way to deal with the complete lack of control we have over the outcome? I think it is very wise and cathartic of you to make some kind of plan for her funeral. I think it will help you work through your sadness in a practical yet spiritual way. Even if you just write down what you'd like to do, I bet it might alleviate some of the sorrow. Let me know!

My heart goes out to you--in my prayers, I will ask that your grief is lifted, and that you will be graced with all the strength you need. Keep taking care of your heart and soul in as many ways as you can. Keep in touch with us here. And get yourself some flowers...:flow:

All of you are so supportive! I don't know what I would be doing if I hadn't found SR. The different types of experience you all have had and are willing to share make my struggle easier, just to know that I am heard and understood and cared about.

Hugs and thanks to all of you for taking the time to share. I am grateful that God led me here and I know I will make it through this.

Thanks,Lara.
I think PL's statement:

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I worry that she is a sitting duck for those who would do her harm while she is waiting for the bus. But there is nothing I can do. Nothing I can ever do to keep her safe. I remember the little blonde girl happily doing the "Snoopy dance" when she opened Christmas presents. I remember the brilliant student who could have been anything in life she wanted.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

......hit us all in the gut.Hard.

May your precious daughter do the Snoopy dance forever---and may God be
by her side as she waits for that bus......his special vengeance reserved
for those who would even THINK about bringing harm to her.

Hugs. You n your daughter are in my prayers xxxx

PerhapsLove,

You and your family are in my thoughts this evening. Put her in God's hands/her HP's hands and let go - if only for 5 minutes at a time, it's the best you can do.

My heart was so heavy after reading your post. I just cannot imagine how devastating it is to watch your beautiful child live like this. She is blessed to have you for her mama.

You and your daughter are in my prayers. (((PerhapsLove)))

Thank you for all the hugs and support. I have been reading posts everyday to keep up my emotional strength. My husband decided he can't have any contact with her for now. He can't even talk about her without getting furious. It is so difficult for me to listen to the things that he says. I don't blame him for his feelings and I do believe he will have a different attitude if she starts to make better choices.

As of today, she has been in detox for 5 days. I've been calling the facility and leaving supportive messages for her, since she can't talk until she is transferred to the rehab section. Hopefully that will be tomorrow.

Someday, I hope to be able to offer the support and kindness to others the way I have gotten it here. It has made all the difference to me. It has been such a source of strength.

Everyone has their own journey, and everyone deals with pain differently. I would be a rich woman if I had a dime for every time my husband said "We'd be better off if he were dead...or I don't have a son anymore...or similar statements." It would cut right through me. In addition to letting go of my son, I needed to let go of my husband's feelings - they aren't MY feelings- and I shouldn't feel them along with him.


My son is working recovery for now, so I don't hear this anymore - but I'm sure if he relapses again, my husband will go right back to that place of fear...which for him, comes out as anger.

I pray that your daughter will turn to recovery this time around, and I pray that you will have the strength to deal with whatever comes.

**{Hugs}}

This is so helpful, SundaysChild. I do have to let go of my husband's feelings. They are not mine, and I accept that he is entitled to feel what he feels. I was able to speak to my daughter today. She has been moved to thee rehab unit and says she is committed to staying as long as Medicaid will let her. She sounded so clear-headed. My husband wanted to know if I had any updates and I told him about the call. He said he is still not convinced that she is telling the truth. I gave up trying to help him see that this is the best she can do right now. Again I am so grateful to have support here. It is a blessing to have the insights of people who have been where I am.

Hello, just wanted to let you know I have the identical relationship with my husband abour our AS. He won't talk to me about JJ and he resents that I visit him in jail. I told him he has his right to feel the way he feels AS DO I. So we leave it at that. It sure still hurts though when hurtful things come out of my husband's mouth about JJ. I have stopped trying to change his mind and I have stopped caring really what he thinks. If JJ turns his life around, then maybe my husband will notice. I cannot save them nor can I make it allright. at the end of the day, I can only save myself. Sending hugs and support your way dear.
Love
TT

I think men talk tough but still feel the pain. For many men, it's easier to be angry then hurt or disappointed.

When my son started to really act up, my husband was in such denial. "He's a boy, doing what boy's do." When he could no longer ignore it, I think he did everything he could to avoid feeling the pain, although we were in family counseling for my son. About that time, his Dr gave him a Rx for perocets for his back and I believe he started to abuse them so as not to deal with the pain of our son as well. At some point, it crossed over into addiction.

I am not excusing my husband choices. His coping skills were obviously very poor. I am just sharing so you can watch for any red flags. Most men like to avoid emotions that are uncomfortable. They are problem solvers and get very frustrated when they can't solve the problems!!

I completely understand your feelings, and obviously you understand mine. I can't give up hope that my daughter will eventually be able to live clean and sober. I feel like my husband has completely given up on her. He IS hurt, and it comes out as anger and nastiness. I can't believe some of the things he says about her. He feels betrayed by her, especially with regard to her lying. When I say, "She was doing what addicts do", he gets furious.

The big problem for us is that I accept his feelings, but he continues to spew his negative thoughts to me. I no longer have my best friend to go through this with. I can't express my feelings to him, because he gets angry and says hurtful things. He directs them at her, but doesn't understand how they hurt me, too. He will say, "You do what you want, but I'm done." And of course there is the name-calling and the constant, "She doesn't want to get better" and "She can't get better." Last night I said, "IF she is going to get better, she is in the best place for it (the rehab)." He said, "She's been to rehab 5 times. When are you going to wake up and realize it's all a lie?"

So it's better not to even talk to him about her. Negative things provoke anger and wrath; positive ones are twisted into negative ones. I am grateful to people here who really understand what it feels like. Hugs back to you TT. I hope we can help each other.

And to you, LMN, thanks again for your insight. I agree that men almost "prefer" to show anger than hurt or disappointment. My husband will go the extra mile to help people, but needs to see positive results to continue. He feels like the things he has done should have been enough to turn her around. And now he is stuck on thoughts of the time, money and emotional energy he now considers to be "wasted".

I'm praying that she will make it this time, but I know there are no guarantees. I can't and won't stop loving either one of them.

PerhapsLove, I am keeping your daughter in my prayers, and also you and your husband.

My husband also handled his feelings about our son differently than I did. That didn't mean either one of us was right or wrong, it just meant that we had different ways of processing the pain and grief. Our common ground, even today after my son has been missing 8 years, is that we both love him and always have, and we both pray for him each day.

It rips our hearts apart to watch our children self-destruct, and even when they are clean to know that at any given moment they can do it again. All any of us can do in the end is pray...for them, for ourselves and for all who suffer in the darkness of addiction.

Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.

. He feels like the things he has done should have been enough to turn her around

That makes me wonder if some of his anger is at his self maybe he feels some guilt just a thought.

I think that your husband has built up a defence mechanism due to the hurt. She's been in rehab 5 times n each of those times he has probably been full of hope thinking this time she will stay clean. I don't think deep down he doesnt love her i think she now has to prove to him that this time she's serious.

Maybe you both need to talk tell him what you've told us that you feel you've lost your best friend as when you talk to him about this he gets angry. Maybe it might be a good idea to not discuss this with each other for awhile maybe a week n concentrate on spending time with each other taking about YOU TWO maybe go for a meal or to the cinema. I get that as a mam your daughter is imortant but so are you and your marriage. Let her work her recovery n you to work yours.

Maybe your husband feels neglected or worried about you, tired of seeing you hurt n getting your hopes up and that could be why he speaks to you the way he does when you mention your daughter and her 'doing what addicts do.'

Feel free to pm me anytime if you want someone to talk to n keep posting for supprt

Take care,
Evey xxx.

This is a good point as hidden guilt can be masked by anger x

Just another tidbit about my husbands reaction. When I speak about JJ and his legal status, my husband does ask further questions.We are going to his sentencing on 11/14 and I believe that my husband will be affected by seeing his son in shackles. I think that will actually help him understand that JJ is paying his dues.
I have let this go since I am powerless to intervene in ways of the heart.

I am sure the shackles will have an affect I know it does when I see my oldest AS.