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-   -   Lies we tell ourselves (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/266194-lies-we-tell-ourselves.html)

Kindeyes 08-24-2012 06:10 AM

Lies we tell ourselves
 
Another thread about why an addict lies resulted in a post by Cynical One about the lies we tell ourselves and how very harmful they can be.

I'd like to take the focus off of the addict for this thread and put it back on to ourselves and challenge us to examine the lies we tell ourselves that can be so very harmful.

The very first lie that comes to my mind is:

Everything will be ok if/when he/she stops using.

gentle hugs
ke

cece1960 08-24-2012 07:06 AM

I'm not sure it's always a lie, becasue in the beginning I really believed the stuff. Then, after a while I knew it was not as I wanted to believe, and then it was lies ( does that make sense?)

So for me, a biggie was/is: "He's not nearly as bad as he was."

Lara 08-24-2012 07:10 AM


Originally Posted by Kindeyes (Post 3546517)
The very first lie that comes to my mind is:

Everything will be ok if/when he/she stops using.

gentle hugs
ke

Oh my - been there done that a million times!!! Growing up with my alcoholic dad, our entire childhood was based around 'it will get better when Dad stops drinking' and based around my relationship with H

Kindeyes 08-24-2012 07:15 AM

The clue for me to the lie "everything will be ok if/when he/she stops using" is the word everything. That's the lie I tell myself (even now) that is very harmful. If I took the drugs out of it and the behaviors didn't change.....things still wouldn't be ok for me.

Another lie I told myself while married to AXH and as the mother of an addict:

My love is big enough to fix this.

It wasn't and still isn't. Not because I didnt love them enough......but because love just doesn't fix addiction.

Kindeyes 08-24-2012 07:18 AM

Another lie I told myself while married to my XAH for a very long time.

Marriage is forever. I made my bed and now I have to lay in it.

That one had me stuck for a long time. Now I realize that sometimes I don't have a problem.....I have solutions that I don't like.

gentle hugs
ke

LuvMySis 08-24-2012 07:32 AM

The A's in my life, and especially my sister, went through extremely difficult times, which justifies their drinking as a means to cope. They are not ordinary alcoholics.

Ilovemysonjj 08-24-2012 07:39 AM

My lie is "he must want help cuz he is saying he wants to get clean."
Hook, line and sinker.
Another one is, "If I just help out a little more, he will see the light". Bury head in sand.

Ilovemysonjj 08-24-2012 07:40 AM

Oh yeah, also just remembered this one
"I know I can fix this for him."

Scrapbooker 08-24-2012 07:58 AM

If I only knew whether he was telling the truth, it would be okay.

GardenMama 08-24-2012 08:06 AM

Does a lie include focusing our attention elsewhere--like on the people one's A associates with? I think so. I admit to stalking his FB to see if he admits to being in the area. Bad Mama? Is this enabling my worry-machine? Pretty sure I know the answer...

In that spirit, I'd like to add: If she'd just break up with him, cut off all contact, her life would be so much better. He's the one causing so much trouble in our lives.

Judyw 08-24-2012 09:09 AM

"Maybe he's not an addict if he is only smoking MJ now and isn't using heroin anymore"

Or this one:

"Maybe this time if we let him come home things will be different" HA!

outtolunch 08-24-2012 09:29 AM

I can beat my daughter's addiction.

All it's going to take are the right words from my mouth, my love, my time, my energy, my money and my will power. Yeah...I am going to will addiction be gone cause I did not raise her to be addicted to drugs.

Ann 08-24-2012 09:37 AM

I probably told myself as many lies as my son ever told me.

"If we just love him enough and give him a clean, safe, loving home, he will get/stay clean"

"My son's not like those other people. He would never steal or lie or live a life of crime."

"This time it's different."

And the biggest of all was my response to the first addiction counselor who tried to explain that relapse was possible, even likely, before my son stayed clean..."You don't KNOW my son, he really wants to get clean and once he does, he'll never use drugs again. Just ask him."

Looking at this, and for most of us, it wasn't really a lie because we believed it to be the truth when we said it.

It makes me grateful for how very far I have come. I am wiser yet not cynical, I am more compassionate and less angry, and I am forgiving but not foolish. I'm grateful for the lessons, regardless of how painful the learning was.

Hugs

SeekingGrowth 08-24-2012 09:52 AM

How about this one, a variation on a couple of earlier posts - "There is a way to fix this and I should be smart enough to figure it out. There is something(s) I can say or do that would "flip the switch" and make him want recovery. I am a COMPLETE LOSER because I can't find that right trigger/formula/whatever."

And then you really beat yourself up because this is IMPORTANT. This is someone's LIFE that turns on you finding the right trigger, someone you love. You try and try to find just the right thing to do, and you fail again and again. So hard to accept that there really isn't anything you can do. No trigger or formula that YOU can hit on. So hard to accept that we really aren't that powerful.

Miller05 08-24-2012 10:11 AM

"the drugs make him cheat."
"he is different because he tells me and family that he wants to stop."
"he just has so much shame, embarrassment and feels bad for all the crap he did...that is why he bailed."
"weed/alcohol is okay...but he just needs to get off the coke, and he will be fine."
"the drugs made him hit me."

Ilovemysonjj 08-24-2012 10:17 AM

CO- I am putting this one on the fridge!:rotfxko

Kindeyes 08-24-2012 11:30 AM

Wow. These are all hitting home with me!

I find it interesting that a couple of people have commented that it wasn't really a lie when we were telling ourselves that because we BELIEVED IT at the time we said it. That's exactly what the addict does, folks.....often.....they completely BELIEVE the lies they are telling us. It doesn't make it less of a lie simply because we believe it.

Here's a few more lies I've told myself:

"I must have been a really bad mother if my son turned to drugs."

"If he really loved me, he would stop."

"If he really loved his son, he would stop."

"I can handle this alone."

gentle hugs
ke

LuvMySis 08-24-2012 11:46 AM

My alcoholic needs my support now more than ever. I'm a bad person for giving up on him.

learningtofly 08-24-2012 12:22 PM

"I'm a bad person if I leave him and he is clean now"

"I'm a bad person if I can't fully forgive him for all of his wrong doings while on drugs"

"If people would stop offering him drugs he would stop using"

This really mad me think! It's scary to write it out . . . I'm so use to just hearing it in my head : /

LoveMeNow 08-24-2012 12:27 PM

How could HE do this to ME??

SundaysChild 08-24-2012 12:35 PM

I can handle this.

FindingErica 08-24-2012 01:03 PM


Originally Posted by Kindeyes (Post 3546598)
Another lie I told myself while married to my XAH for a very long time.

Marriage is forever. I made my bed and now I have to lay in it.

ke

Yep, that was my lie #1, which meant I relied on lie #2 " everything will be better when/if he quits". When I got free of lie #1, lie #2 didn't matter because I realized his behavior may not change and he may not quit or stay sober.

A big lie I am working to overcome is that I abandoned him by not following him to the new state.

FindingErica 08-24-2012 01:05 PM


Originally Posted by learningtofly (Post 3547058)
"I'm a bad person if I leave him and he is clean now"

Yep, apparently my AH stopped using right before I left him, but I can't confirm it. Yet I feel too much has gone down.

Vale 08-24-2012 02:22 PM

In my experience the only effective way to prevent future failure
is to conduct a proper failure analysis.Upon completion
of aforementioned analysis,the hard part comes.....a dispassionate
self evaluation of the acts & omissions (by ME) that contributed
to the failure....to whit:

1. I crossed paths with an addict.
(a material fact without meaning,there have been addicts since time began)

2. I cared what happened to her.
(complicating factor,as emotions cloud rational judgement)

3.I turned off my "BS meter",pretending to believe falsehoods because of #2.
(a critical root failure,as I voluntarily lost my footing in the REAL world to 'help' her)

4.I go deeper into 'her' world,now telling lies to MY loved ones to cover
up the fact that $hundreds were actually over 5 figures.
(now locked firmly in codependency--her sickness becomes mine)

5.Find SR,identify codependency as core issue ,recognize situation is
rapidly escalating out of control and emergency egress is called for.

6.Initiate emergency egress (no contact),anticipate uncomfortable
withdrawal effects and prepare countermeasures.

painful,
hard,
necessary.

Nobody likes to look failure in the eye.It hurts.But I learned long ago that the only
way to succeed in life is to love and embrace your failures.Drink them in,go back to
the places you've failed badly--and remember how you felt.Don't get me wrong,success
is great and I am very happy & proud to be where I am in life----but success never
taught me a damn thing.....every single last thing of value I have learned came from
failure.Failing,feeling the sting,learning the lesson,applying what you've learned.

If only she had faced her demons instead of hiding from them with oxy.I don't
know if she would have won or lost---but at least she'd have the dignity of either
killing her demons or leaving the mother%&@%$#s with some choice scars
......to remember her by...

LoveMeNow 08-24-2012 02:59 PM

If he uses again, I am done!!

BodkinVanHorn 08-24-2012 08:57 PM

Vale, I guess the last part of what you said

*If only she had faced her demons instead of hiding from them with oxy.I don't
know if she would have won or lost---but at least she'd have the dignity of either
killing her demons or leaving the mother%&@%$#s with some choice scars
......to remember her by...*

My first A...(I married him), some bad things happened and eventually he acted like he was going to hit me...and I left...months later he killed himself and it was so senseless and I couldn't help but feel that If if i had stayed it wouldn't have happened. And he was a fighty belligerent guy. But the heroin got him so hard. I guess after he killed himself, I just blamed myself and told myself that if I had been better, more understanding, if I had been perfect it wouldn't have happened. If I had been more commanding, more direct, more crazy instead of being a pushover and just going along. I know now it wasn't my fault, but what you said, it shot through me.

Vale 08-24-2012 10:08 PM

BodkinVanHorn wrote:

>>>>>>I guess after he killed himself, I just blamed myself and told myself that if I had been better, more understanding, if I had been perfect it wouldn't have happened. If I had been more commanding, more direct, more crazy instead of being a pushover and just going along. I know now it wasn't my fault, but what you said, it shot through me.<<<<<

......From everything I have learned,BodkinVanHorn----
there is not a damn thing you could have done either way.I hope you let go
of the bad Karma that suggests otherwise.
Yes,sometimes I comb the obits.I know one day I will read her name.My takeaway from
this 3 year travail....(1SEPT2009) is that noone can fight another's battles for them,and
it is folly to try.

Certain vehicles have modes of operator/vehicle coupling that produce
VERY undesirable results.....

----and the answer is to simply LET GO and let the vehicles
NATURAL STABILITY damp out the out-of-phase operator inputs.

Is it EASY to let go when the damn thing is doing something crazy? Hell no!!

(BUT IT WORKS!).

You didn't do anything wrong.You did the best you could.So did I.
I'm sorry for your loss.I think by now you know that none of it was
EVER in your hands.

crazybabie 08-24-2012 10:55 PM

I kept the boys in healthy activities so where did I fail as a mom.
I can help them that is a mothers job.
They "need" my help
If I had left their dad when he was smoking pot this would never have happened (no way too know for sure)

How dare people try and jump my son no one messes with my kid he didn't do anything to cause that (then off I would go and have guns pulled on me it is a wonder I am alive)

He has to use because his medications for the mental illness are not working

As, for hubby

I took vows before God and others I have to stick with them.
He would never do the things other people do he is not an addict.
We, were destined to be together otherwise why did we keep meeting everywhere we went. God placed us together for a reason. (That may be true I just don't know the reason)

I have 31 years invested and the kids are grown now he owes me us time again.
He really wants to quit because he tells me he does he just doesn't know how.
If I can find the right places for him he will quit.

Once he quits and he will soon ha ha our life will be back to normal... We never had a normal he started smoking pot at age 12 and was 16 when we got together.

Why does he want to punish me I must have done something really bad.
I am the only person he has I can't abandon him. (his mom died when he was 15 and his dad was never around)

No one else has ever loved him I can't let him feel like I am like his family.
I just need to love him more.
It is MY fault he does this.
I should not have asked him to pay bills and he would not be stressed and using.
I asked for to much time with him.
I expected to much (all I wanted was for us to do things together sometimes)

I would probably use if I had to live with me .

This list could go on forever.

Vale 08-24-2012 11:13 PM

...it could go on forever,Angie
(if we let it)

the kicker is.....we don't HAVE forever.


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