The quotations are the guilt/grieving statements my brain is wrestling with - and the reality of the situation is in brackets.

"if only I tried harder to do that intervention for him last nov" (his whole family said no and ended up getting really mad at me. I honestly had no more energy to "help him see the light" on my own).

"I shouldn't have called the police when he came "X" amount of times to our door" (it was a manipulation tactic to get me to feel sorry for him and let him come home - he had not stopped using).

"if only I didn't nag him so much..." (he slacked on almost all his home responsibilities, he would drink and drive, would go to this seedy bar in east Vancouver almost every day in Oct, sometimes not even coming home.

"I abandoned him and our marriage..." (he abandoned me in July 2010 when he decided he didn't want to be married anymore - for a short while of course so he could use. When he was 'done', he wanted back into the marriage again. This pattern repeated itself about 7x until Nov 2011 when I just had enough).

"He died a horrible, tragic death ... if only I was there..." (it still may have happened... in our home! That would have been really traumatic for me - would I have been able to continue to live here? Also... It was because of HIS choices not mine is the reason why his life is over).

I am going to miss the good parts of him, but know deep down that I'm going to be able to finally close this chapter in my life without his addiction hanging over my conscience... (no quotes there... Just truth).

"There is no way he would ever commit this crime I know him and he'd never do that."
"He has a lot of expenses and he just isn't good with money, that's why he doesn't have any savings"
"He's a different person than the addict/criminal he's been for the past ten years."
"If I ever hear you're doing drugs. I will leave you"

Mine started even before the addiction did:

- My son will never become an addict because I am a good mother (while judging another mother of an addict when my son was little).
- My son became an addict because I am a bad mother (many years later)
- I can believe my son when he says it is only weed. I brought him up to be honest (whilst he is tripping on acid and who knows what. Also whilst he is dealing drugs from my house and we are known as the "drug-house")
- This is only a phase. My son will outgrow it by 25 (27 and still going strong).

I believed every other lie mentioned here. It is comforting to know how similar we all are.

I can fix this.

God is going to help me fix this.

And when nothing happened...I guess God doesn't care.

I HAVE to fix this. My son needs his father in his life.

God is going to fix this.

I guess God doesn't care.

With each cycle, I became more and more desperate to find a solution...for God to fix things.

And on and on and on the cycle went. If God's help didn't come in the form I expected, he wasn't around (by my way of thinking). Only through al anon and working the steps did I come to realize that God has been here every step of the way. I just needed to let go and get out of His way. I might not understand His way but I trust it now. It took me a long time to get to this point...and alot of pain and fear and misery. But I'm a stronger person for it now.

Great thread. Adding to the list of lies:

- My husband has said (something like) if our son joins the service, he'll get away from drugs and the friends he uses with and then the military life will change him.

- I've had others tell me that it's probably only a phase my son is going through and he will grow up and out of these behaviors.

He'll come back to us. :(
He loves me.

So very painful. I love my xah so much. Even after everything he has done to me and my family. I don't understand how I can still love him, but I do. Although, I'm VERY strong with boundries.

OMG! Thought I was the only one that felt that way. I tell myself that to this day. My AH soon to be ex has been clean for 50 days or so, but not until I left him. And his behavior has not changed. I just said to my mother "...I made my bed..." she almost slapped me to wake me up. She said I did not make this bed, but did everything I could to make it work. The bed I have now is just a reslut of cause and effect, not having anything to do with what I did or didn't do. Hate it that she is always right. Wish I would have started listening to her a lot sooner in my life. LOL

"He is just tired from working so hard"
"This is the last time I am covering for him"
"If he uses one more time I am out"
"He wants to be sober cuz he loves us"
"He was abused as a child. Just cuz he gets high once and a while doesn't mean he will never stop using, its hard for him"
"I know if I do everything he will have no stress therefore he won't use"
"I know if I do nothing he will be so busy he won't have time to use"
"Maybe I will quit my job then he would get sober"
"I'm too hard on him, he hit me cuz he was coming down. If I would have given him the money I had hidden for rent he would not have hit me. Totally my fault this time"

My most recent "He has been clean for 50 some days. He has no reason to lie anymore"
And even now he still lied to me. Asked if he wanted to go to waterpark with me and the kids, yesterday he said yes. Then I called him today at 10am he was still asleep and said no he can't cuz he has an appointment at 1pm. Information he could have told me yesterday. Another let down for my babies. Moving out of state now and taking kids with me. Filling for divorce in this next month and lawyer says go for soul custody. Wish me luck.