I understand what you are going through. I'm supposed to be getting married in 3 weeks, and my fiance is a recovering (?) opiate addict. It's hell. The breach of trust is the worst part. He has looked me in the eyes and lied many times. He's spent thousands of dollars on pills while i struggled to pay our bills and took on his debt so his credit didn't get destroyed. At the moment i'm pretty sure he's out buying pills and i'm trying to remember i can't control what he chooses to do. i'm in no place to give advice since i am going through the same thing. It's hard when they do want things to get better because things aren't so black and white. If my fiance had no interest in getting better, i'd leave. but he does want to, hes been going to NA several nights a week, he's been suffering through withdraws..then slipping up and suffering again. i know how hard it is, you love him and think of all the good years and want it to go back to how it was. im still hoping that's possible but some days i'm not so sure.

about showing him the post, ive told my fiance that i've posted on here, i doubt hes looked but i wanted to be honest. i think they know the damage they have caused but in the early stages of trying to get into recovery, it can be over whelming for them to really see the damage they've done to the people they love. i tried to talk to my fiance this afternoon about how scared i was for the future and he really didn't handle it well.

good luck, i hope things work out for you and your fiance.

Mayer,

there were a lot of times that I was tempted to show my husband my posts and the responses that I received. I never did though and I was glad that I retained my privacy here. I needed this place as a support where I knew that I could let me hair down and be completely honest. He did know that I turned to this forum (and he used to make fun of me for it....) though he never actually signed on.

When I really looked at my motives in wanting to share my postings it was to manipulate the situation - make my points, scare him into better decisions, etc. What I've learned in recovery is that the best way - and only way - was to keep my hands off of him and his choices.

It is your call though. You know your situation best.....The great thing about SR is that you will alway find people that care, have lots of experience, strength, and hope and will be supportive no matter what your choices are...... I made choices that everyone recommended that I not make but I'm still here....part of this group and grateful for it. No one turned their back on me for choosing my own path. And they've certainly been here when I've needed their support as my story unfolded.

It's good that you both are getting help....the learning curve is steep at first but the more you learn and the more information you get the better able you are to deal with the circumstances.

Please take a good read around here. Addiction is a progressive disease and if you think you are unhappy now, just wait another 6 months.

Postpone the wedding, take time to sort out your feelings and get yourself some understanding of what life with a crack addict will be like.

And hide your valuables and bank cards...somewhere safe where he has no access. I promise that before this is over, you will be glad you did....or wish you had.

I'm sorry for your pain, and hope you find some comfort here sharing with others who understand.

Hugs

I know it has been three months because that is what I thought & before I told him what I thought, it's also what he told me before I told him what I had suspected.

I am not going to show him, though I told him that I had posted something to find out if there were other people out there who were going through similar things as me.

I knew things had changed when he started getting really stressed out about his job not working how he had planned & instead of reacting to the situation & solving it, he sort of got a "screw it" attitude. He thought it would make him feel better & sadly it didn't.

We talked to his parents, not mine yet. But they are being supportive.

I am understanding that I can't control him & it's his decision. I can only tell him that I am here for him. And he can talk to me about anything & anytime he even feels like he had an urge or thought he might like to, I am here. His parents are there too.

Oh boy, if only I had known what my marriage was going to be like beforehand, I can't say I would do it all over again. My husband had been clean for 5 years when I met him. I knew nothing about drugs or addiction. I simply accepted that his past was his past, and didn't think too much of it. One month after we got married I broke my elbow, and was prescribed vicodin at the ER. He relapsed two days later when he fought with me over 'needing' my pills. I can't tell you the roller coaster ride I've been on with him in the 2 years since then. Not saying your marriage would end up like this, but I would just be very very cautious. Think with your head, not your heart.

Are you his fiance or his mother? This sounds like you are under the impression that you can control him, and what he does, who he sees, and the choices he makes. He is a grown man, and can and WILL do what he wants. He has been lying and stealing from you for the past 3 months (that you know of). Deleting names from his phone is not going to stop him from getting what he needs, or doing what he wants.

And I wouldn't show him this thread, because he will get angry. Many people on here will tell you to run as far and as fast as you can from this man, don't marry him, get out now. That will probably make him a little upset. I'm not going to say that, because people rarely listen, and go ahead with their plans anyways. Everyone has to learn their own lessons in their own time.

"This isn't a past for him, just bad friends & bad judgement."

Are you willing to base your future on the idea that this was just a "wrong place wrong time" situation? Again, he is a grown man, and he made the choices he made. He chose to socialize with the wrong crowd, and spend what little money he had on drugs while you were working hard and paying all the bills. But you mentioned that one of his suppliers is a close enough friend to be in the wedding party... are you going to demand he not be friends with this person anymore?

He chose to lie to you on a regular basis about what he was doing, where he was going, and issues he was having. You do not know what caused this. None of us do. Only the addicts know what causes this, and it is up to them to work it out and fix it. And him sitting back while you find him a new job and go through his phone once in a while to check for unfamiliar numbers or new contacts is insanity. I can say this, because I used to be like that. Obsessive, controlling, and manipulative.

You (nor anyone else) didn't cause this
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Just some things to think about.
Good luck to you

Mayer,

So sorry to hear what you are going through. I feel your pain because I have been through a very similar situation with an ex of mine (for 6 years), and my current bf has been abusing oxys. It seems like it never ends for me, but this time I'm actually getting help for MYSELF, so hopefully the outcome will be different this time.

My experience being the significant other of a cocaine user was not a pleasant one. I was actually miserable for the majority of our relationship and to this day do NOT forgive him for what he put me through. But I also allowed it to happen, allowed him to manipulate me with threats of suicide, crying and begging for me to stay because he had no one else, he needed me, and so on and so on. I stayed in the relationship for so long because I felt sorry for him, I didn't want to abandon him and leave him at the hands of his worthless family (who are ALL drug abusers and gamblers who don't give a crap about anyone but themselves).

It took me a very long time to realize that I could not change him, and he wasn't willing to get help. It was a viscous cycle - he would get hooked on cocaine, would steal money from my account, would beg and plead for me to stay and clean up for a while, then the cycle started over again. I lived like this for 6 years and I wish I would have been stronger then, would have had the support of people like the people here - maybe I would have wised up and left him long before my life turned into a disaster.

Just because my ex never got help doesn't mean that yours won't, but if I were you, I would definitely postpone the wedding. I know the idea of that must be horrible for you, but take it from someone who has gone through it before, you do not want to tie yourself to someone who is actively abusing drugs. He hasn't even attempted to get help yet, and recovery is a long way away. If you marry him now, he will always know that you are willing to allow him to continue using just in order to save your relationship.

Do you know how long he's been using cocaine? The longer he's been using the drug, the harder it will be for him to quit. If he's not willing to go to a rehab facility, I would ask him if he would be willing to just speak to an addiction counselor or therapist. I suggested that to my current bf, and he agreed to see a therapist about his addiction. It's a start and I'm happy that he is actually taking a step toward recovery. If he says he's just going to quit on his own, do NOT believe it, it won't happen, and the situation will just keep getting worse.

Sorry to be so blunt here, but it pains me to see someone else going through the same thing that I went through for so long. Please take care of yourself, and if he is not willing to get help, don't let that stop you from getting help for yourself.

Good luck.

So he lost his job and was bummed and just sort of fell into cocaine to make himself feel better and spent a lot of time by himself, hanging out in the basement.

Have you considered another possibility? That maybe he lost his job because of cocaine? I know we all sound cynical. It's because we have all been or are there. Millions of addicts want to change and say they won't do it, anymore and say so again and again. If it was this easy, there would be so such thing as addiction.

I cannot imagine proceeding with a wedding under the circumstances. He has a mistress and her name is cocaine. She does not play second fiddle. Absolutely nothing you say or do can keep him clean or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

I am curious how one just jumps into using cocaine because they had a bad spell at work?

I didn't see anything about a past history of abuse; maybe there was something there in the past or all along?

I know in my situation with my AW, while things have only been really bad for a couple of years there were signs of a problem 10 years ago. I hurt my back and had a few leftover muscle relaxers that disappeared.

Regardless of history, this problem will not have a quick fix.

All I can add is that addicts lie, about their drug use, how, when and where. They are also very good manipulators. He may not have been using regularily prior to 3 months ago, however, he may have been using...this is a progressive disease.

Take care,

About the lying, if your fiance said three months it's probably much longer than that. My son just before he went to rehab was discovered by his girl friend to be using heroin. She found a needle on her bed. When confronted, he said he'd used only "three times". Well, we all know now THAT was a blatant lie. Three times that day maybe.

After rehab, my son is starting to tell the truth, but in the grips of addiction he was only thinking how to protect himself from others knowing the truth about what he was doing and to get more drugs.

Beware, Mayer. Addiction is serious business. There is no quick fix. Give your fiance time to come to terms with what he is doing. At this point in time with the wedding in only a month, naturally he's going to say he will stop using. Saying and doing are two different things. Let him prove to you first that he is serious about getting help. Let him prove to you by giving him time to seek help and start working a recovery program. You wont be sorry you did. If he is meant to be your husband now he will still be meant to be your husband clean and sober and working a strong program in a year or so.

Of course I'm not going to tell you what to do, but let me share my experience. My RAH used just two weeks before our wedding. His DOC is crack. We were eloping to the Carribean,but our plane tickets were purchased, hotel PAID for, dress bought, BIG deposits given to the wedding planner, photographer, etc. He used at his bachelor party after he'd not used for quite a long time. I have to admit, that I completely minimized his use as much as he did at the time. I thought he just partied a little too hard. After all, we'd party together, and I certainly was not an addict. I'd even TRIED crack and didn't care for it! So, we got married. Fast forward 6 years. He's had lots of clean time, but not short of relapses. This last relapse was bad enough for inpatient rehab. So, looking back, I was in denial just as much, if not, more than he was. Doing crack/cocaine in the basement at all hours of the night is NOT just recreational, or a slip up. It's serious business and yes, it WILL get worse if he doesn't get serious help. For the past 6 years, my RAH has been involved in NA. He goes to several meetings a week, only hangs around with NA people, has held the same job, has paid the bills, supported his children, and was STILL able to let his drug use spin out of control. At this point, he's been clean for about 4 months. He's not living in our home so he can work FULL TIME on his recovery, while I work on mine. 6 years ago, I would have never thought that I'd be spending my Wednesday nights at Codependents Anonymous meetings, he'd be living in a halfway house, and I'd have a website like SR bookmarked on my phone and computer....

I married my addict with the fantasy that somehow things would get better.

That was the beginning of the nightmare.

To get to this point of hiding and using, I'm betting it's been much much longer that he's been using and you had no idea.

And if that's the way he copes with stress of job and a new marriage, you can bet after the marriage will be worse. The additional responsibility of providing, taking care of the family is more likely than not that he will succomb to dumb down the frustration through further use.

((mayer))

welcome to our SR family ~ I hope you find the help, love and acceptance that so many of us have found for comfort in dealing with the disease of alcoholism and addiction.

There have been many things suggested to you - I'm sure lots of it is hard to fathom especially if he has hiding most of his disease from you ~

I have one more suggestion for you ~ take a good honest inventory of how things are right now, broken trust, scared, fearful and unsure of what may happen next ~ what if nothing changes ~ what if it stays exactly this way ~ If your very best friend, sister, mother or daughter, came to you asking your thoughts about her being in a relationship just like this ~ would you really recommend then to stay, to go ahead with a wedding, to continue in something that appears to be so unhealthy for them?

Doesn't mean you have to walk away completely - but there is nothing wrong with taking a step back to give yourself some space to see where HE is, what he wants to do with HIS recovery and where you want to do with your life. . .

Just a few more suggestions - take what you like and leave the rest. . .

PINK HUGS & good thoughts for the very best!
Rita

I understand what everyone is saying. I know that I can't stop him. We have a couple's counseling session in a few days. I will see what they say. Also, will see what drug counselor has to say as well. Just trying to take everything in. It's definitely overwhelming.

wishing you the best on your counseling sessions!