Caught Soon To Be Husband Using Cocaine
 

I am getting married in 1 month. I have been with my fiance for 7 years. We just bought our first home 9 months ago. We had not lived together before we bought our home.

Everything was great. His job situation was not going well, but I am understanding as long as he tries. He got a job, it wasn't really paying out & we were stressed.

In the past couple months his behavior was so different. He was up all night while I was sleeping. He was really into doing the laundry & being in the basement alone & long story short - I found out he was using cocaine.

I pay all the bills & I am paying for the wedding besides what both of our parents are helping us with. He gives me minimal money. He was spending his money on cocaine. Doing it in my home & I'm really hurt.

I don't know if he can get better. I am supposed to get married in one month. I don't know how to trust him. I feel so betrayed that he let me struggle with bills & he was spending his money on drugs. That I asked him soo many times what was going on & he could have told me.

How do we get past this? We want to work on it. How do I trust him again? And what if one of the people he was using with & was giving it to him was his good friend & is in the wedding party? I just don't know how I can go to work & know that he can be doing whatever he wants while I'm gone all day. Or when I go to bed, he can get out of bed & go do whatever he wants. He said he wants to change & he won't do it anymore. I just don't know how to believe him. Please anyone that has suggestions, please, I am so scared.

You might get more replies if you put this in the Newcomers forum. This forum here is for questions and problems with SR. I'd try putting this in Newcomers. Welcome to SR!:hug:

I know one thing, after you get married things will not get easier and the more challenges come, more likely, more drug abuse comes too.

And if you think after having kids things could change....wrong. It's even harder, and more responsibility which doesn't stop at age 18.

Consider yourself lucky if you can make a decision about all that before it goes south.

Hi mayer!

I have moved your thread here from the "Troubleshooting" forum so that other friends and family members can share their experience, strength, and hope with you.

Welcome to SR!!

HG

Wow,

Only you can answer that question, and it's so very hard. Because of the time and emotional investment. The best advice I can offer is to search the board and read the stories of woman that wish they could go back and change their minds when faced with the exact same situation as you. They have been through horrors up to physical abuse. It's even more worrisome that he has no job and no means of support, so in a sense you are an enabler for his addiction as well.

Tough spot, but at least you're in a spot to make a change. You wouldn't be here if you weren't concerned.

My thoughts: You CAN'T trust him at this point. He hasn't earned trust. It is folly to marry a person you cannot trust. You will be miserable. I hope you will reconsider the wedding until he proves that he has changed. That would mean not using, being in a program of recovery and time. At least a year. Of course, many people have come here in your same situation and we all strongly suggest that they not marry an active addict. Some heed our words and others don't. I hope you will.

Hi Mayer,

You've ended up in the right forum and I wanted to welcome you. I can only imagine how overwhelmed, scared, upset, etc. that you are feeling right now.

My guess is that your financee has a pretty major problem but if he is like a lot of users he will minimize it. The thing about it is that you so badly want this to be different and don't yet know enough about drug use/addiction that you will possibly believe what he is telling you.

This is big deal stuff - trust, drugs, betrayal, fears, doubts, and financial issues. And all right before you are supposed to marry. On one hand I believe that you are extremely fortunate that you found all of this out before you married him. I hope that you will at least delay your wedding until he has been sober and worked a recovery program for at least a year.

Recovery from substance abuse is generally a long, slow, and difficult process. It is so much more complicated than most people realize. Once a persons brain has flipped the switch to addiction then it is permanently flipped. It sounds like your fiance might be addicted (financial issues, lying, staying up late, friends that use, etc) so I would be extremely cautious regarding taking your relationship to the next level. I'm not saying not to marry him - just give it time until you know what he is going to do and if recovery is truly something that he is going to work out.

Years ago, an addiction counselor told my husband and myself that the only way that a relationship with a recovering addict can work is if both people work a strong recovery program. I have had to work the same recovery program that I wished that my husband had worked.....my own program has helped me to endure the last 6 years. I know what it is like to live with someone in active addiction, early recovery, and then sobriety without a recovery program. It is tough going and definitely something that you want to think long and hard about.

I know that you love him and want things to work out. I can also guess that you want to stand by him and support him. You can do all of that without legally being bound to him though.

There are so many things that you can do to help yourself....and honestly, that is the best way to help him. You can start by reading all of the sticky's at the top of this forum, read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie, go to at least 6 face to face Alanon or Naranon meetings. I would also try and find a counselor that is able to give you individual support.

Please keep posting here - there are a number of other people that have found themselves in similar situations just before or after marrying. You are not alone. I'm sure that other people will be along to welcome you and introduce themselves fo you.

You are being given an opportunity to save yourself a lot of pain and sorrow. Please take this opportunity to learn all you can (as quickly as you can) what is ahead for you as the wife of an addict. It's no picnic.

There may come a day when your fiance will be clean and sober--but that certainly wont come any time soon and certainly not by the time you are married in a month. His saying he's not using and his actually not using are two different things. Don't fall for his lies. He's already shown you what he is capable of. It will get worse before it gets better--that is if it gets better at all.

If it were me, I would postpone the wedding. The money lost will not compare to the money you may lose if you have to divorce later, or if he does something that you are now liable for as his wife. Money and / or saving face should not be a determining factor here.

If he is serious about his efforts to take care of this, what is one year's wait in the scheme of marrying for life?

And read this Site and you'll see what's ahead if he is not serious.

Best wishes to both of you.

His words mean nothing, actions, actions and more positive actions. If he wants recovery, he will let nothing or anyone stand in his way. He will be on the phone finding out where meeting are and attending them without being told to do so. Remember this is his addiction, his responsibility to resolve.

If he on crack, this recovery is going to be a difficult one at best. It is a very difficult addiction to overcome.

If it were me, there is no way that I would consider going forward with the marriage. He needs to get clean and work a strong recovery program for at least a year, before I would entertain marrying this man.

What do you know about addiction,codependcey and enabling? He is the addict, you are the codependent enabler, you both need recovery. I would suggest you attend Alanon or Naranon meetings for your issues and read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

In addition, read around this board, it will help you understand what you are and will be dealing with.

Keep posting, it will help.

Welcome to SR.....I'm glad you found this forum but as always, I am so sorry for the reason that brings you here.

Only you can decide what to do. We are very big about self care on this forum. Living with and loving an addict can be draining....emotionally, financially, and spiritually. Right now I would encourage you to do the right thing for YOU. Don't worry about what others might think or how parents might react or anything else.....this is YOUR future.....not theirs. Do what is right for you.

If I was in your spot right now, I suspect I would be thinking.....but the invitations have gone out.....I can't cancel the wedding now. But there are a lot of good reasons to get married and there are a lot of bad reasons to get married. Proceeding because invitations have gone out......when your internal alarm is blasting.......is not a good to get married.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with sending out something that states that the wedding has been postponed. This would give you time to work through the issues before you become further legally entangled with your fiance.

Addiction is a progressive disease. It does not get "better". With a great deal of hard work it can be "suspended" or gotten "in remission" so to speak but it never goes away. And it usually gets worse before it gets better. I don't want to scare you. But love and the promise of life together does not cure addiction. If it could, not one of us would be here.

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this so close to a date that is suppose to be one of the happiest of our lives. You and your fiance will be in my prayers. Keep us posted. Ask questions. Read. Educate yourself on addiction. And find support to help you deal with this (Naranon or Alanon are great resources for support). Let us know how you are doing.

We care. You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

mayer,

You have said that your parents will be helping pay for the wedding. Have you considered telling your parents what you have learned about your fiance?

Others here may disagree, on the view that you are an adult and your life is not your parents' business. But my view is that (1) accepting money from your parents for this wedding makes your wedding at least partly their business; (2) if you decide to cancel or at least postpone the wedding, you will have their understanding and support in taking steps to unwind the plans;
(3) if you decide to marry this man in spite of your well-founded misgivings and all the red flags from everyone here, you may need to rely on your parents for help (whether emotional or financial or both) further down the road. Your parents deserve full disclosure about what *they* may be getting into, as well as what *you're* getting into. (4) Keeping your fiance's addiction a secret from your parents uses emotional energy that could be better channeled into deciding the best course for you.

Thank you for moving my thread to a more appropriate place. In the past 3 months he has been using. Probably two times a week. In seven years this was never an issue. He changed his phone number & I deleted myself everyone on his phone that I personally did not know.

We are going to go to couples counseling & he is going to speak with a counselor about his drug use.

Thanks for the advice, I definately have a lot to think about & consider.

He does work right now, he just doesn't make much money.

He is looking for a new job & I intend on helping him find something that is more in line with my work schedule.

I'm just scared to go to work or go to bed because I can't stop him. Only he can make those choices & we are committed to doing them.

This isn't a past for him, just bad friends & bad judgement.

I want to show him & tell him about my post. Do you think that would be a bad idea?

I don't think it's a good idea, but it's your call. If you know he's reading whatever you post, will you still be able to be completely honest and speak your mind? Other people have allowed their SO's to view what they've written and it can definitely cause problems. But, again, it's your call.

Welcome Mayer,

You have found a great place, but so sorry for what has brought you here! This is my storuy but I did not kow for a couple years into the marriage. Way back when, now SXAH decided to tell me that he was using so that he would have to face things and would go into recorvery. Needless to say I am divorced, things did not change, almost lost our house before i sold it, and he had gone through rehab 3 times! he is now sober but has multiple medical issues, that will most likley take his life sooner than later.

So I am saying.... If I knew then what you just found out. Personally I would run away!!! For me, Love was replaced with so many things I pray you will not have to feel or go through. It is your choice and you have to make that choice just as he has to make the true choice to get sober and recover!

Keep reading, posting and learning!! ))) Gentle hugs(((

I do not think showing him would be a good idea!!! IT is your choice, but Addicts are unsure how they will act. The response may be defensive and mush more damaging to your emotions.

Again you choice, but this should be your safe place!!!

It is your decision, however, I would not recommend it.

May I ask, how did the 3 month time frame come into being? Is he the one that told you he has been using for 3 months?

I understand what you are going through. I'm supposed to be getting married in 3 weeks, and my fiance is a recovering (?) opiate addict. It's hell. The breach of trust is the worst part. He has looked me in the eyes and lied many times. He's spent thousands of dollars on pills while i struggled to pay our bills and took on his debt so his credit didn't get destroyed. At the moment i'm pretty sure he's out buying pills and i'm trying to remember i can't control what he chooses to do. i'm in no place to give advice since i am going through the same thing. It's hard when they do want things to get better because things aren't so black and white. If my fiance had no interest in getting better, i'd leave. but he does want to, hes been going to NA several nights a week, he's been suffering through withdraws..then slipping up and suffering again. i know how hard it is, you love him and think of all the good years and want it to go back to how it was. im still hoping that's possible but some days i'm not so sure.

about showing him the post, ive told my fiance that i've posted on here, i doubt hes looked but i wanted to be honest. i think they know the damage they have caused but in the early stages of trying to get into recovery, it can be over whelming for them to really see the damage they've done to the people they love. i tried to talk to my fiance this afternoon about how scared i was for the future and he really didn't handle it well.

good luck, i hope things work out for you and your fiance.

Mayer,

there were a lot of times that I was tempted to show my husband my posts and the responses that I received. I never did though and I was glad that I retained my privacy here. I needed this place as a support where I knew that I could let me hair down and be completely honest. He did know that I turned to this forum (and he used to make fun of me for it....) though he never actually signed on.

When I really looked at my motives in wanting to share my postings it was to manipulate the situation - make my points, scare him into better decisions, etc. What I've learned in recovery is that the best way - and only way - was to keep my hands off of him and his choices.

It is your call though. You know your situation best.....The great thing about SR is that you will alway find people that care, have lots of experience, strength, and hope and will be supportive no matter what your choices are...... I made choices that everyone recommended that I not make but I'm still here....part of this group and grateful for it. No one turned their back on me for choosing my own path. And they've certainly been here when I've needed their support as my story unfolded.

It's good that you both are getting help....the learning curve is steep at first but the more you learn and the more information you get the better able you are to deal with the circumstances.

Please take a good read around here. Addiction is a progressive disease and if you think you are unhappy now, just wait another 6 months.

Postpone the wedding, take time to sort out your feelings and get yourself some understanding of what life with a crack addict will be like.

And hide your valuables and bank cards...somewhere safe where he has no access. I promise that before this is over, you will be glad you did....or wish you had.

I'm sorry for your pain, and hope you find some comfort here sharing with others who understand.

Hugs

I know it has been three months because that is what I thought & before I told him what I thought, it's also what he told me before I told him what I had suspected.

I am not going to show him, though I told him that I had posted something to find out if there were other people out there who were going through similar things as me.

I knew things had changed when he started getting really stressed out about his job not working how he had planned & instead of reacting to the situation & solving it, he sort of got a "screw it" attitude. He thought it would make him feel better & sadly it didn't.

We talked to his parents, not mine yet. But they are being supportive.

I am understanding that I can't control him & it's his decision. I can only tell him that I am here for him. And he can talk to me about anything & anytime he even feels like he had an urge or thought he might like to, I am here. His parents are there too.

Oh boy, if only I had known what my marriage was going to be like beforehand, I can't say I would do it all over again. My husband had been clean for 5 years when I met him. I knew nothing about drugs or addiction. I simply accepted that his past was his past, and didn't think too much of it. One month after we got married I broke my elbow, and was prescribed vicodin at the ER. He relapsed two days later when he fought with me over 'needing' my pills. I can't tell you the roller coaster ride I've been on with him in the 2 years since then. Not saying your marriage would end up like this, but I would just be very very cautious. Think with your head, not your heart.

Are you his fiance or his mother? This sounds like you are under the impression that you can control him, and what he does, who he sees, and the choices he makes. He is a grown man, and can and WILL do what he wants. He has been lying and stealing from you for the past 3 months (that you know of). Deleting names from his phone is not going to stop him from getting what he needs, or doing what he wants.

And I wouldn't show him this thread, because he will get angry. Many people on here will tell you to run as far and as fast as you can from this man, don't marry him, get out now. That will probably make him a little upset. I'm not going to say that, because people rarely listen, and go ahead with their plans anyways. Everyone has to learn their own lessons in their own time.

"This isn't a past for him, just bad friends & bad judgement."

Are you willing to base your future on the idea that this was just a "wrong place wrong time" situation? Again, he is a grown man, and he made the choices he made. He chose to socialize with the wrong crowd, and spend what little money he had on drugs while you were working hard and paying all the bills. But you mentioned that one of his suppliers is a close enough friend to be in the wedding party... are you going to demand he not be friends with this person anymore?

He chose to lie to you on a regular basis about what he was doing, where he was going, and issues he was having. You do not know what caused this. None of us do. Only the addicts know what causes this, and it is up to them to work it out and fix it. And him sitting back while you find him a new job and go through his phone once in a while to check for unfamiliar numbers or new contacts is insanity. I can say this, because I used to be like that. Obsessive, controlling, and manipulative.

You (nor anyone else) didn't cause this
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Just some things to think about.
Good luck to you

Mayer,

So sorry to hear what you are going through. I feel your pain because I have been through a very similar situation with an ex of mine (for 6 years), and my current bf has been abusing oxys. It seems like it never ends for me, but this time I'm actually getting help for MYSELF, so hopefully the outcome will be different this time.

My experience being the significant other of a cocaine user was not a pleasant one. I was actually miserable for the majority of our relationship and to this day do NOT forgive him for what he put me through. But I also allowed it to happen, allowed him to manipulate me with threats of suicide, crying and begging for me to stay because he had no one else, he needed me, and so on and so on. I stayed in the relationship for so long because I felt sorry for him, I didn't want to abandon him and leave him at the hands of his worthless family (who are ALL drug abusers and gamblers who don't give a crap about anyone but themselves).

It took me a very long time to realize that I could not change him, and he wasn't willing to get help. It was a viscous cycle - he would get hooked on cocaine, would steal money from my account, would beg and plead for me to stay and clean up for a while, then the cycle started over again. I lived like this for 6 years and I wish I would have been stronger then, would have had the support of people like the people here - maybe I would have wised up and left him long before my life turned into a disaster.

Just because my ex never got help doesn't mean that yours won't, but if I were you, I would definitely postpone the wedding. I know the idea of that must be horrible for you, but take it from someone who has gone through it before, you do not want to tie yourself to someone who is actively abusing drugs. He hasn't even attempted to get help yet, and recovery is a long way away. If you marry him now, he will always know that you are willing to allow him to continue using just in order to save your relationship.

Do you know how long he's been using cocaine? The longer he's been using the drug, the harder it will be for him to quit. If he's not willing to go to a rehab facility, I would ask him if he would be willing to just speak to an addiction counselor or therapist. I suggested that to my current bf, and he agreed to see a therapist about his addiction. It's a start and I'm happy that he is actually taking a step toward recovery. If he says he's just going to quit on his own, do NOT believe it, it won't happen, and the situation will just keep getting worse.

Sorry to be so blunt here, but it pains me to see someone else going through the same thing that I went through for so long. Please take care of yourself, and if he is not willing to get help, don't let that stop you from getting help for yourself.

Good luck.

So he lost his job and was bummed and just sort of fell into cocaine to make himself feel better and spent a lot of time by himself, hanging out in the basement.

Have you considered another possibility? That maybe he lost his job because of cocaine? I know we all sound cynical. It's because we have all been or are there. Millions of addicts want to change and say they won't do it, anymore and say so again and again. If it was this easy, there would be so such thing as addiction.

I cannot imagine proceeding with a wedding under the circumstances. He has a mistress and her name is cocaine. She does not play second fiddle. Absolutely nothing you say or do can keep him clean or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.