No contact w/daughter question
 

My daughter has text me 3 or so times since we made her leave our house. I don't respond to them.
Today she text me something good she did. My inclination is to not respond again. (How do I know it's even true? She lies).

Should I respond to the stuff she is doing that is good, but a "good" something we all would be doing in our normal lives?

I want to encourage her but I don't want to be involved with her while she is using.

Any suggestions?

I must seem so cold hearted to you all.

You certainly do not sound cold hearted at all. We parents of addicts who have detached are the same. Do you think she is trying to get you to answer by saying that she did something good? Is it worthy to you of responding? If its not that big a deal to you then let it go. Does that sound cold of me? We become so suspicious and untrusting but that is only natural, they have to earn our trust back and that wont happen until they are clean and have been clean for long enough for you to feel safe. Go with your gut feelings, they are seldom wrong. Prayers to you to stay strong.

I don't think you are cold hearted...i think that is like thinking self-care is selfish...It's not; it is healthy.

I think it is tough to know the right or wrong thing in so many situations dealing with our addicted kids. I found the best thing for me to do when I wasn't sure, was to examine my motives. Using your question about a text as an example, if I examined my own motives and decided I wanted not to respond because I thought it would "punish" my daughter and then she might feel guilted into a behavior change, I would have concerns about my course of action. But if I was not responding because I believed if I did I may be sucked back into the drama and that wouldn't be healthy for me, then I would feel better about my motives....If I wanted to respond just because I wanted her to know I was there and cared...sounds okay. If I was responding because I wanted to change her behavior...not so okay..

Do you have a sense of what feels right to you and what your motives are for that choice?

j
You don't seem cold hearted at all. You are a mother struggling with what to do in a situation where the thing that feels "right" is the wrong thing to do and where what feels "wrong" is right. It's difficult at best.

I think greeteachday had a great suggestion. Examining our own motives and taking a hard look at our actions and reactions (or no actions) is the best way to determine what we should do.

Just want to say that we're here for you. It's a tough path to walk being the mother of an addict.

gentle hugs

My motive is I just don't care. Honestly, I don't even know if I don't care, it just feels like I don't. I feel beat down by all she has done.


A part of me is saying I should acknowledge it because it is a good thing and I should be encouraging good things.

My goal is to have her get well and for me to have some peace in my life. It doesn't feel like responding to her will go towards helping either of those goals.
But, what if I'm wrong? Would it hurt anything if I responded?

The confusion, frustration and distrust (is that a word?) is so overwhelming...So opposite of how I expected our lives to be.

I have had to adjust this goal as I understand and learn more about addiction. My goal is to have some peace in my life, whether my son gets well or not.

In order for me to accomplish this goal, I have had to let go. It doesn't change the fact that my deepest desire is for my son to stop using drugs and drinking but my happiness and serenity can't depend upon it.

gentle hugs

I don't think you need to encourage her if you still feel "beat down". Give yourself some space and time to heal.

I'm learning something new everyday -

I have learned that when you don't know what to do - do nothing!

It's working for me because my thought process in the past has been - I have control of this situation....I can make it better....I can lift her spirits....I can do this for her and do that for her......

I know it seems cold hearted but it's not - not at all!

If she is doing something good she will know it. I want to tell my daughter everytime she does something good but I try to refrain during times that it's actually what she is supposed to be doing.....

Sending prayers for you today -

Roo

Lots of good advice here...I used to get get really mired down in the "what ifs".what if I don't respond this time and she really needs support..what if I say the wrong thing/don't say the right thing..then I slowly grew to realize that I truly had no control .. I certainly didn't have the power to make or break her sobriety.
It is definately ok not to respond..it was just last week she stole from you..she's using and most likely she is trying a differnt tactic..mom didn't respond to my threats, so now I'll try another approach..look how good I'm doing!
In my opinion, when we step away from the drama and refuse to engage...they can feel that as a consequence of their addiction and that is always a good thing..not to punish them, but having healthy boundaries for ourselves where we get off the roller coaster and let them take the ride by themselves..

jbyers,

Just wanted to let you know, I know what you're talking about with the lying . . . can we even believe the good news we hear because of the previous lying. My son would tell me he'd gotten a job, he talk about the people he worked with, names and all, what the work was like, what he ate for lunch, etc., etc., etc. He never had the flippin' job!!!

Why? I don't know, to make himself feel better, to keep me "reeled" in, I don't know. Part of me thinks he almost believed the lies he was telling.

We never know do we???

Jbyers: It's a hook. Your daughter's addiction is hooking you in, and you're about to cave. So much of an addict's behavior is about manipulations. If you had made a boundary with your addicted daughter that she had to call you every day then you would not hear a peep from her because Kingbaby (your daughter's addiction) is determined to be in charge. If your daughter's Addiction can't get you to respond to her in the usual way, then the Addiction will find another way. And in this case it is by texting about some "good" behavior.

I obviously am a mom who is tired of Addiction, and I'm coming from a place of weariness. But trust me, it is a hook. There's some other mom on here that just went through that with some kind of birthday e-card from her AD that she ignored for a month because she was afraid if she opened it then her AD would call and hook her in. But after a month she decided to open that e-mail and, sure enough, her AD was calling right away trying to hook that mother into doing something she did not really want to do.

It's a hook. Don't fall for it.

Hope that helps. If not, just forget it.

jbyers,
IMO, she's reeling you in, my oldest AS does the same, and usually, I feel kind of bad, by not responding, so I do. THEN it starts all over again.

IT is not cold hearted not to respond.
I think we just feel that way because we're parents and we have compassion, and kindness in our hearts.

My problem is I need to learn how not to react, because it's such a natural response for me.

Hang in there.
Do what feels right to you.

Hugs from one mom to another.

JMFburns, my son does the same thing! It's always some landscape job or tree trimming job or telemarketing job. I am at the point that I am doubtful of almost everything he says.

Sometimes I forget this and it is soooooo perfect!

JustMe...

There is nothing you could ever do that would seem cold hearted to us.
I love when Ann posts that "we are here to walk with you no matter what you decide."

I have struggled with my son's addiction and my addiction to rescuing him for 15 years.
I know the feelings and fears that come with not responding to calls and texts.
I've heard the messages left on my phone begging for help. I've rushed in "to the rescue" time and time again.

Finally, I decided that "letting go and letting God" sounded pretty good to me.

That being said, I couldn't agree more with Sojourner and Moose.
In my experience, it is probably hook and she is trying to reel you in.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

This is a link to a terrific post that is a sticky at the top of this forum titled, "What Addicts Do."
If you haven't seen it yet, it's worth a read. I have a printed copy I keep in my wallet at all times.

Love,
Hunny

Just wanted to update;
Well, she did do what she said she did (the good thing).
But, I still don't feel a sense of accomplishment-like I should give her kudos.
What she did (I don't want to go into detail here because it could be anything) was something each of us do as a normal part of our lives. Like, returning a library book or renewing our driver's license...

But, anyway, she really did do it.

(((JM100))) I'm glad to hear that your AD followed through on even an ordinary task that the rest of us just do as part of our daily lives. She may want to hear how spectacular she is for doing it, but you are right in that none of us get a standing ovation or a pat on the back for paying the water bill.

Mr. HG and I have been practicing the art of "do nothing" quite a bit lately. Seems to be working fairly well.......

Hugs, HG

Just realizing something here as it relates to myself more then anything else:

I do get happy when my daughter does something that she is supposed to do....so maybe that's the "co-dependent" in me? Me being happy about something normal - trying to lift her higher than she should be?.... one of the things that my daughter learned in recovery was that I made excuses for her due to the chronic pain, i.e., "it's ok- your doing well with what you have to deal with"......and by doing that I lowered the bar for her.... I'm a sick puppy for sure....I'm really trying very hard to look at things in a different way - the healthy way.

I really appreciate you putting your thoughts out in this post - it's helping me look at myself for sure.

Roo

She just text me and said she is about to get beat up for $20.00 she owes someone. I'm not giving it to her. If I were about to get beat up, it would be the police I would be calling.

Mine needed 20$ for meds, gas, food,younname it..it's always certian demoninations they need..interesting, huh. Again, you are seeing clearly and responding (in my opion) just as you should..if that is the life she wants it may include being beaten up, more likely it is including impending withdrawls..the good news..the more I said no, the fewr txts lieke that I got..
How are YOU doing, how are your boys and husband?

Hmmmmmm.......my A Stepson asked his Dad for $3 for an "ice cream sandwich"!

Well, son, there is ice cream in the freezer and bread on the counter, knock yourself out!:lmao

You are not cold hearted at all. You are a mother who loves her child. Addicts are extememely manipulative. You are stepping out of the way and letting her hit her bottom.
(((( hugs and prayers))))))

I responded "Call the police" and she responded back, "So, is that a no??"

I am doing ok but my boys are having a hard time dealing with her. She has not contacted them at all. They are sad.

Other family members have stopped talking to me because they say I am being too hard on her. They still believe her lies. They don't understand just how bad her addiction is because they believe her when she says she isn't using. YET, none of them have offered to let her come live with them.
I feel like they just want to put it back on my shoulders and I am not willing to do that until she shows me she wants to get right. Not just SAY it, but show me.
She even told me herself (when we first asked her to leave) "I have no way of proving to you I am straight-how can I prove I am serious?". I told her time would tell...

How DOES one tell when they are serious? I just feel like I will know...But, I don't know...

I'm not sure I can answer that question either....because it hasn't happened yet with my A stepson. But, we do know that he has no program of recovery, no counselor, no job, mooching off of others, trying to mooch off of us (his last letter to his dad was a grand scale of manipulation---well attempted, anyway).

I believe it will be when he completely takes ownership of his life and the choices he makes. When he grows up enough to not believe that the world owes him everything. He seems to think his father should completely pay his way because he has some mistaken idea that Mr. HGs mother is paying for Mr. HGs way (98 year old with dementia living on a fixed income who only ever gave her son socks for Christmas once he was an adult).

Actions, I guess, not just words.......Hugs, HG

Real recovery looks humble, there will be surrender , a willingness to listen to others..follow directions, ask for help.People who really want to get sober will walk barefoot to meetings, beg for rehab, seek help for themselves.
After my RAD went to 1st rehab..kinda willingly, thought she could drink and smoke pot when she got out, hang out with same friends, etc..I knew what recovery didn't look like.I began to trust myself that I would know it when I saw it..a couple of times she wanted to come home..I said she had to be completely sober..well..what about pot.There was my answer..not ready.
Ready was when she called us one night saying she was done, could we get her..we said "in the morning" I fully expected her to have changed her mind. said are you willing to go to the hospital..yes. At hospital..are you ready to go to rehab?..yes at the hospital she refused suboxone and methadone treatment..another good sign in my opinion.
She had surrendered..her way hadn't worked and she wanted to live, so she was willing to do whatever it took.
You are completely right about actions, not words..of course she'd like to be off drugs, but is she ready to do the work..I would like to be a size 2, but as long as I shove candy bars down my face, I am not taking action.
I truly think you are really seeing things clearly..as for the family members..again, they don't mean to cause harm, but they are.I maintain that if they would like to help, they would take the advice of the proffessionals at her rehab and go to al or nar anon..until they do that, it's all white noise..same goes for them, actions, not words will show you thier real intent.
Hang in there, have hope, things appear to be getting tough for your AD which can be a really good thing..hugs:ring

My daughter just emailed me and said she wants to go back into rehab "as soon as <her friend's> mom gets into town". She is staying with this friend this week while her mom is on vacation.

I'm afraid she isn't still serious, that she just knows she has no where to live when the mom gets home.
I'm afraid we are going to pay thousands of dollars again for her to basically walk out (she's already done that twice).

I told her we will back her when SHE is serious. She hasn't responded back.

What do you guys think? It just happened, so I haven't even told my husband yet.
I am so afraid we will be wasting money again...
Help~

This is my response and hers:

-----Original Message-----

Subject: Re: (no subject)

>That would indicate you aren't ready. You need to call when you are READY
>for change.


It's not that. I can't leave <her friend> and <friend's baby> alone for five days. Her mom wants me to stay here with them.

I guess in 5 days you will see..alot can happen in heroin time..Personally it was a MUCH different rehab for round two..no Malibu Barbie playhouse with the massuse and personal chef..It was one our ins. covered and they ate cafeteria style and made theri own beds..serious 12 step stuff..counselling 1 x a week vs. 3 x's a day at the fancy place...we went broke on the first one..Salvation Army works too..doesn't have to break the bank.The Camp in Scotts Valley is where my RAD went..it's really pretty, but bunks in little cabins..it's not a vacation.
If she really wants rehab, she will still want in 5 days..If you are going to do it, you can make her make all the arrangements..that will tell you how serious she is...she's got an ins card right?