No contact w/daughter question

Old 03-01-2011, 06:59 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Sunny California
Posts: 30
No contact w/daughter question

My daughter has text me 3 or so times since we made her leave our house. I don't respond to them.
Today she text me something good she did. My inclination is to not respond again. (How do I know it's even true? She lies).

Should I respond to the stuff she is doing that is good, but a "good" something we all would be doing in our normal lives?

I want to encourage her but I don't want to be involved with her while she is using.

Any suggestions?

I must seem so cold hearted to you all.
JustMe100 is offline  
Old 03-01-2011, 07:15 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
islandcat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 47
You certainly do not sound cold hearted at all. We parents of addicts who have detached are the same. Do you think she is trying to get you to answer by saying that she did something good? Is it worthy to you of responding? If its not that big a deal to you then let it go. Does that sound cold of me? We become so suspicious and untrusting but that is only natural, they have to earn our trust back and that wont happen until they are clean and have been clean for long enough for you to feel safe. Go with your gut feelings, they are seldom wrong. Prayers to you to stay strong.
islandcat is offline  
Old 03-01-2011, 07:22 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
greeteachday's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I don't think you are cold hearted...i think that is like thinking self-care is selfish...It's not; it is healthy.

I think it is tough to know the right or wrong thing in so many situations dealing with our addicted kids. I found the best thing for me to do when I wasn't sure, was to examine my motives. Using your question about a text as an example, if I examined my own motives and decided I wanted not to respond because I thought it would "punish" my daughter and then she might feel guilted into a behavior change, I would have concerns about my course of action. But if I was not responding because I believed if I did I may be sucked back into the drama and that wouldn't be healthy for me, then I would feel better about my motives....If I wanted to respond just because I wanted her to know I was there and cared...sounds okay. If I was responding because I wanted to change her behavior...not so okay..

Do you have a sense of what feels right to you and what your motives are for that choice?
greeteachday is offline  
Old 03-01-2011, 07:53 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
j
You don't seem cold hearted at all. You are a mother struggling with what to do in a situation where the thing that feels "right" is the wrong thing to do and where what feels "wrong" is right. It's difficult at best.

I think greeteachday had a great suggestion. Examining our own motives and taking a hard look at our actions and reactions (or no actions) is the best way to determine what we should do.

Just want to say that we're here for you. It's a tough path to walk being the mother of an addict.

gentle hugs
Kindeyes is offline  
Old 03-01-2011, 08:56 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Sunny California
Posts: 30
My motive is I just don't care. Honestly, I don't even know if I don't care, it just feels like I don't. I feel beat down by all she has done.


A part of me is saying I should acknowledge it because it is a good thing and I should be encouraging good things.

My goal is to have her get well and for me to have some peace in my life. It doesn't feel like responding to her will go towards helping either of those goals.
But, what if I'm wrong? Would it hurt anything if I responded?

The confusion, frustration and distrust (is that a word?) is so overwhelming...So opposite of how I expected our lives to be.
JustMe100 is offline  
Old 03-02-2011, 05:49 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
My goal is to have her get well and for me to have some peace in my life.
I have had to adjust this goal as I understand and learn more about addiction. My goal is to have some peace in my life, whether my son gets well or not.

In order for me to accomplish this goal, I have had to let go. It doesn't change the fact that my deepest desire is for my son to stop using drugs and drinking but my happiness and serenity can't depend upon it.

gentle hugs
Kindeyes is offline  
Old 03-02-2011, 06:17 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
I don't think you need to encourage her if you still feel "beat down". Give yourself some space and time to heal.
EJG123 is offline  
Old 03-02-2011, 06:27 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Charlotte NC
Posts: 37
I'm learning something new everyday -

I have learned that when you don't know what to do - do nothing!

It's working for me because my thought process in the past has been - I have control of this situation....I can make it better....I can lift her spirits....I can do this for her and do that for her......

I know it seems cold hearted but it's not - not at all!

If she is doing something good she will know it. I want to tell my daughter everytime she does something good but I try to refrain during times that it's actually what she is supposed to be doing.....

Sending prayers for you today -

Roo
Rooberri is offline  
Old 03-02-2011, 08:55 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
keepinon's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Lots of good advice here...I used to get get really mired down in the "what ifs".what if I don't respond this time and she really needs support..what if I say the wrong thing/don't say the right thing..then I slowly grew to realize that I truly had no control .. I certainly didn't have the power to make or break her sobriety.
It is definately ok not to respond..it was just last week she stole from you..she's using and most likely she is trying a differnt tactic..mom didn't respond to my threats, so now I'll try another approach..look how good I'm doing!
In my opinion, when we step away from the drama and refuse to engage...they can feel that as a consequence of their addiction and that is always a good thing..not to punish them, but having healthy boundaries for ourselves where we get off the roller coaster and let them take the ride by themselves..
keepinon is offline  
Old 03-02-2011, 09:52 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
JMFburns's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
jbyers,

Just wanted to let you know, I know what you're talking about with the lying . . . can we even believe the good news we hear because of the previous lying. My son would tell me he'd gotten a job, he talk about the people he worked with, names and all, what the work was like, what he ate for lunch, etc., etc., etc. He never had the flippin' job!!!

Why? I don't know, to make himself feel better, to keep me "reeled" in, I don't know. Part of me thinks he almost believed the lies he was telling.

We never know do we???
JMFburns is offline  
Old 03-02-2011, 01:16 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Jbyers: It's a hook. Your daughter's addiction is hooking you in, and you're about to cave. So much of an addict's behavior is about manipulations. If you had made a boundary with your addicted daughter that she had to call you every day then you would not hear a peep from her because Kingbaby (your daughter's addiction) is determined to be in charge. If your daughter's Addiction can't get you to respond to her in the usual way, then the Addiction will find another way. And in this case it is by texting about some "good" behavior.

I obviously am a mom who is tired of Addiction, and I'm coming from a place of weariness. But trust me, it is a hook. There's some other mom on here that just went through that with some kind of birthday e-card from her AD that she ignored for a month because she was afraid if she opened it then her AD would call and hook her in. But after a month she decided to open that e-mail and, sure enough, her AD was calling right away trying to hook that mother into doing something she did not really want to do.

It's a hook. Don't fall for it.

Hope that helps. If not, just forget it.
sojourner is offline  
Old 03-02-2011, 01:40 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Jujubee Queen
 
mooselips's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
jbyers,
IMO, she's reeling you in, my oldest AS does the same, and usually, I feel kind of bad, by not responding, so I do. THEN it starts all over again.

IT is not cold hearted not to respond.
I think we just feel that way because we're parents and we have compassion, and kindness in our hearts.

My problem is I need to learn how not to react, because it's such a natural response for me.

Hang in there.
Do what feels right to you.

Hugs from one mom to another.
mooselips is offline  
Old 03-02-2011, 01:53 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
SunriseSunset's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 18
JMFburns, my son does the same thing! It's always some landscape job or tree trimming job or telemarketing job. I am at the point that I am doubtful of almost everything he says.
SunriseSunset is offline  
Old 03-03-2011, 07:43 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
greeteachday's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I have learned that when you don't know what to do - do nothing!

Sometimes I forget this and it is soooooo perfect!
greeteachday is offline  
Old 03-05-2011, 06:14 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hunny1116's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Watching the sunrise
Posts: 104
JustMe...

There is nothing you could ever do that would seem cold hearted to us.
I love when Ann posts that "we are here to walk with you no matter what you decide."

I have struggled with my son's addiction and my addiction to rescuing him for 15 years.
I know the feelings and fears that come with not responding to calls and texts.
I've heard the messages left on my phone begging for help. I've rushed in "to the rescue" time and time again.

Finally, I decided that "letting go and letting God" sounded pretty good to me.

That being said, I couldn't agree more with Sojourner and Moose.
In my experience, it is probably hook and she is trying to reel you in.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

This is a link to a terrific post that is a sticky at the top of this forum titled, "What Addicts Do."
If you haven't seen it yet, it's worth a read. I have a printed copy I keep in my wallet at all times.

Love,
Hunny
Hunny1116 is offline  
Old 03-06-2011, 08:39 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Sunny California
Posts: 30
Just wanted to update;
Well, she did do what she said she did (the good thing).
But, I still don't feel a sense of accomplishment-like I should give her kudos.
What she did (I don't want to go into detail here because it could be anything) was something each of us do as a normal part of our lives. Like, returning a library book or renewing our driver's license...

But, anyway, she really did do it.
JustMe100 is offline  
Old 03-07-2011, 06:13 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
(((JM100))) I'm glad to hear that your AD followed through on even an ordinary task that the rest of us just do as part of our daily lives. She may want to hear how spectacular she is for doing it, but you are right in that none of us get a standing ovation or a pat on the back for paying the water bill.

Mr. HG and I have been practicing the art of "do nothing" quite a bit lately. Seems to be working fairly well.......

Hugs, HG
Seren is offline  
Old 03-07-2011, 12:43 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Charlotte NC
Posts: 37
Just realizing something here as it relates to myself more then anything else:

I do get happy when my daughter does something that she is supposed to do....so maybe that's the "co-dependent" in me? Me being happy about something normal - trying to lift her higher than she should be?.... one of the things that my daughter learned in recovery was that I made excuses for her due to the chronic pain, i.e., "it's ok- your doing well with what you have to deal with"......and by doing that I lowered the bar for her.... I'm a sick puppy for sure....I'm really trying very hard to look at things in a different way - the healthy way.

I really appreciate you putting your thoughts out in this post - it's helping me look at myself for sure.

Roo
Rooberri is offline  
Old 03-07-2011, 04:29 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Sunny California
Posts: 30
She just text me and said she is about to get beat up for $20.00 she owes someone. I'm not giving it to her. If I were about to get beat up, it would be the police I would be calling.
JustMe100 is offline  
Old 03-07-2011, 05:02 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
keepinon's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Mine needed 20$ for meds, gas, food,younname it..it's always certian demoninations they need..interesting, huh. Again, you are seeing clearly and responding (in my opion) just as you should..if that is the life she wants it may include being beaten up, more likely it is including impending withdrawls..the good news..the more I said no, the fewr txts lieke that I got..
How are YOU doing, how are your boys and husband?
keepinon is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:12 PM.