Left prescription pill addict boyfriend
 

I'm just really lost and confused, and not sure where to turn. I've come here to vent, gain insight, outsiders perceptions, relate to others in similar situations and hopefully grasp and understanding of "why".

I'd been dating this guy for over a year, and there was a gazillion read flags I ignored because of the instant attraction. He was simply A-M-A-Z-I-N-G in every way.. until he got mad. His rage was unstoppable. I suspected he was an alcoholic, so we quit that for a few months, and things were better. However, he's been on percocet and tramadol for nine months now. He has legitimate pain, but I feel it's become an excuse. He's in constant denial that he has a problem with it. However, he goes through 210 pills in less than two weeks. He becomes very defensive and aggressive when I approach him about this problem, and insists he's fine.

When he's on them, he's great. Besides being a space cadet, he's tender, loving and warm, or whatever you want to call it. The moment he runs out, he releases his inner demons. He snaps out of no where, lashing out, calling me names and threatening to leave me. He suddenly places ALL of the blame on me. When I say I'm not sure how much I can take.. he comes back crying saying he loves me, and he doesn't want pills to tear us apart. He offers to let me distribute his medicine. Literally 24 hours later, we're fighting over morphine he was offered, and tells me he doesn't have a problem, and he will NOT give me his medicine anymore. I was at my end. He was blowing up, unreasonable and I couldn't get through to him once again. I broke up with him... and we haven't spoken since.

I know this is the end of our relationship, and I'm left confused and heartbroken. Before all of the pills, he was extremely passionate and loving. His sex drive vanished. His desire to talk to me or be sweet vanished. He lacked any sort of purposeful communication. He became lazy. He began lying to me about his dosage amounts. Etc. Etc. Etc. It just became too much.

I'm questioning to myself. Was he really an addict? Was he just dependent on them? Did he have a very high tolerance? Was this fair of me? Should I of given him more chances?

In my heart, I know I made the right choice. I was no longer happy with him anymore. I constantly worried, is he drinking, is he smoking, and how many pills did he take? I found myself snooping through his stuff more and more (which I'd always made it a point NOT to).

It's a long story, and I can't cover much ground without writing a book on the subject. However, I love him tremendously. I miss him more than I thought. I know I'll never get my life back though. Before I met him, I was full of life. I was active and healthy. Since meeting him, I picked up smoking and drinking a lot again. It's not who I want to be... but I love him.

Are behavior changes like this consistent with pill abusers? He’s like night and day, literally. Anything can set him off. He is VERY emotionally and verbally abusive. When he’s fiending for his next script, he’ll call me every name in the book. Then, he’ll apologize, say he didn’t mean it.. but I made him because of this or that. I’m beginning to think he’s a sociopath of some sort. He’s a good guy though, I can’t emphasize that enough. He has a big heart, he’s just troubled.. Here I go making more excuses for him.

Someone please offer me insight, or something…

I just want to tell you that YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! Yes, all of the things that you mentioned are common for Addicts. You haven't been with him very long. I did the same thing as you... I knew from the beginning that something didn't seem right. My abf had issues with alcohol, but I thought I could see through it... see the "real" person underneath. I held on and we've now been together for 10 years. He is now addicted to pain killers with some legitimate pain, but who knows just how much. It will get worse... addiction is progressive. I hope that you won't do the same thing as I have and give up even more precious years of your life when your gut is telling you to leave. Your gut is right. I know you love him. I know he's probably a good person inside, but you're doing the right thing.

You did the right thing for yourself!

Those are choices. Do you want your life back? Do you want to be authentic, who you really are?

Addiction is progressive.

Great time to get in touch with your inner co-dependence. Why oh why would you want to be around someone who is so out of control and abusive?

You deserve to treat yourself better than this. You really do.

Welcome to Sober Recovery Jenny!

If it's validation you want, you got it.

At the end of the day, does it really matter if he is, or is not, an addict? You had become really disillusioned, and were unhappy. No rule book out there, or a quota of how many weeks, months or years you have to stay with someone, give him the benefit of the doubt, or sacrifice your own happiness for another person who is clearly not seeing that there is a huge problem right in his lap.

You can spend a lot of time surfing the internet and talking to folks in the hopes of gaining a better understanding of addiction in general, his pill usage, his behaviors and the whole nine yards. But, again, in the end you made the right decision for yourself, and for your future. Everything we do, even the things that have caused us pain, is life's way of teaching us something. Unfortunately we often can't see it for awhile.

Oh, and yes, he's an addict.

hi jenny, welcome to sr.

i agree with the others, you are definitely doing the right thing in my opinion. according to your post, imo, he is an addict and unles he seeks help for himself, his addiction WILL get progressively so much worse and nothing you can do or say would change make him stop. its up to you whether or not you allow his addiction to drag you down with him.

focus on you. have you read "WHAT ADDICTS DO", its a sticky at the top of the forum page. agan keep the focus on you and your life, you deserve more than he seems to be able to give right now.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I can't help but love him so much. I feel like I walked away when he needed me. I gave up the fight. He's hurting so bad, and I caused his pain.

I appreciate what everyone is saying. I feel like I know I'll be better in time. It's just so much to handle. He was very manipulative and controlling.. and I don't want that for a lifetime... :(


Just Tired,

Are you very unhappy now? I know he's an alcoholic too. He's functioning, but he has problems with it. He in general has an addictive personality, so I'm not sure why I doubt him being labeled an "addict". I like to hear from people who stayed in the situation. I know it's not something I want to deal with for the rest of my life, so it really helps seeing other peoples insight and outcomes. It seems like it never really gets better. I've spent endless hours this week reading up on addiction, and it's extremely depressing. It just never goes away, especially when in denial.


Addiction is progressive.

Great time to get in touch with your inner co-dependence. Why oh why would you want to be around someone who is so out of control and abusive?

I feel like I'm addicted to the cycle of abuse. It's all I've ever known. I grew up with it. I have addiction problems myself. I seriously think I enjoy it. It's sickening. I do know that I want a better life for myself though.. so part of me doesn't want it. I'm SO confused.

I did read, "what addicts do" and I could see it all very clearly. I've grasped the concept of loving an addict a lot more in the past few days. I've been an addict, but never really bad where it affected my relationship. I was very young, and I've been on a journey of self-improvement since I was 18 (I'm not 23). I no longer want this life.. and I'm trying so desperately to improve it.

He needs to be there for himself. He has caused his own pain, and he is the only one that can be responsible for his own journey. :grouphug:

Thank you. I need to keep telling myself that. I always place the blame on me. He did cause his own pain. I tried very hard to please him.

Jenny, I can relate to how you feel. Axbf, was leading me to believe he was going on 1 year of sobriety (I did have my doubts.) I kept thinking, if I had just stuck it out a bit longer, our family would be together, if only I had given him more time, etc. I really made it mean something about me, that he could be sober for his girlfriend, but not for me and the kids. As it turns out, he has been using every 3-6 weeks, and his girlfriend has been covering for him. I realized my intuition about the dynamics of their relationship, him using, etc. was pretty spot on. I have gained a greater respect for my own insight. I have also realized how much it is going to take for him to overcome his addiction. He has been using since he was 12, and he is 34!

Letting go is the best thing you can do for him. Focus on creating the life you want for yourself! That is what I am working on.

:You_Rock_

hi, i'm a recovering addict with 8yrs clean and i can tell you that none of this is your fault. yes, he's probably in pain but thats what its like to be locked in addiction. not matter what you decide to do or say will make his pain go away, he'll have to commit to doing whatever it takes for him to help himself.

now, my ah of 24yrs was addicted and it took me 21yrs of trying to stay with him to realize that i had to separate to literally save my and my kids sanity. as his addiction got worse, so did the abuse. he passed away last month, imo, without ever getting really serious about saving himself.

i know you love him but you have to love yourself more. that was a hard and painful lesson for me to learn. addicts are good at manipulating others into being and doing what they need others to be and do. ne trying to stick by my ah for so so long was imo, holding up a big neon sign that read " ITS OK TO CONTINUE USING, I'LL BE HERE FOR YOU".

IMO, if your bf is really ready to stop hurting and using drugs, he'll be willing to do WHATEVER it takes to stop, until then, regardless of what he says, he may not be that "ready". keep the focus on you, when he's ready you'll know by his actions and not what he says. you both are in my prayers

:e025:

Hi Jenny - Yes, I'm unhappy now and planning to leave hopefully soon. We had good years in-between. It wasn't all bad, that's for sure. I stayed because he was able to convince me that he wasn't an alcoholic. That he was just drinking due to circumstances. He quit drinking for a while and things were good. Then he started drinking again and we had more problems and then he quit drinking. I thought our problems were over. Then he cut his hand and was put on pain meds which eventually lead to problems with those too. If I could do it again, I would go back 5 years and would learn the lesson I SHOULD HAVE learned then, instead getting even more enmeshed with him. I wish I would have left him a long time ago. It only gets harder the longer you stay.

And, you're right. Addiction is completely depressing and you are doubly right when you say it won't go away if they are in denial. 10 years later my abf is still in denial. It doesn't magically get better. They have to WANT it to get better. You are helping him the best way you can by getting out of his way.

Hang in there!

Jenny,
You can take this very powerful insight into yourself and create the life you want.
sometimes change is confusing, especially when the pain is all we have ever known.
you recognize your addiction, and with that you can change.

Beth

Justtired,

I feel for you, I really do. I'm one year in, and I already see exactly what you describe. He's convinced me time and time again he doesn't have a problem with drinking. He could quit, but it ALWAYS came back. It never fully went away. Especially during conflict, it was his out. You've really helped reassure that I did the right thing with that statement. It sucks when you love and miss someone. You're right though, it won't change.


Beth,

As you said.. I need to take this insight and make better choices and change myself. It's only been a few days, but I feel myself getting better already. I know what I will and will not tolerate in my next relationship. That's for sure! As I sit and say this, I'm secretly hoping him and I work it out. This is ridiculous. I just need to take time for me. I'm 23.. and I haven't really had much of a single period since I was 13. I once went two years being single, and I was wrapped up in bulimia, pot and alcohol. I was single for nine months before this guy, and it was the one time I was happy, focusing on myself, and not even interested in romance. It got snatched away, and I'm taking it back!!!! :c011:

Jenny,

For what it's worth, I have yet to see, hear, or read about someone who loves a person active in their addiction, who considers themself "happy". Ever. It is just not possible.(IMO)

:c020: Well, isn't that the truth... Sad, but true.

He's been emailing me telling me he'll give up the pills. I'm just at a loss here. We love each other very much. I'm sure everyone has heard this story. He swears he doesn't have an issue with them, and that he'll stop them entirely to fight for us..

Why thank you Anvilhead! I am marvelous, lol! :)

I have a sudden change of heart. He went from all sweet, and I'll do anything it takes, to "screw you and you're ultimatums. You either want me or you don't".

It just reassures me, he's not ready. He has multiple issues. It's just so easy for him to suck me into his wonderful world of emotions and lovey dovey feelings. He's manipulating me now, just to get me back. I don't see this changing. I'm having a hard time being strong.

I told him I wasn't goingto respond to his message. I asked him to calm down, and when he was ready to speak to me respectfully, he could. I'm feeling stronger than I imagined, but it's taking every last bit of me...

Stay strong Jenny. He's not ready to stop and you don't need to get sucked back in.

Sounds exactly like something my ex would say. Why is always a question of us proving our love and not the other way around?

:gaah

Great question. I would think they would know they're the ones causing this issue. Suddenly, we don't love them enough. We don't want them anymore. We don't care. We've moved on, etc.

How long has he been your ex? What happened?

Ugh... so a month later I'm still talking to this fool. Still holding on, hoping. The pills aren't even the issue anymore, it's the DRINKING. He was so "sick" of me calling him a pill head, that he just gave them away (I do believe him), BUT, since he gave all his pills away, he's a freaking drunk.

We haven't gotten back together, but we've been talking. I'm his plan B, when nothing else is going on. That call at 3am, because he knows I'm there waiting. I've been blown off three weekends in a row, for him to get drunk.

FINALLY, I blocked his phone number. Sure enough, he used another phone... "please see me, please, I'm sorry I've been a jerk, please, I will do whatever it takes" - This is exactly why I blocked him. I do not want to read those BS messages any longer, because I will be sucked back in. I re-read this entire thread, and my mind-set has taken a drastic turn for MY well-being.

He's been saying - "I don't like who you've become". Well, that's because I don't take your BS anymore. I've stopped making excuses for him. I've stopped crying and begging for him back. I've stopped letting him beat me down with his words. I've started standing up for myself. I've started doing the things that make me happy, without him. He does not like that. He does not like who I've become, because he can no longer control me.

I'm so infuriated. I'm still left sitting here, missing him, wanting him. I'm typing this now to keep convincing myself to STAY STRONG!

UGHHHHHH

I did think about that... but every bill, doctor, family members I hardly talk to, etc have my phone number. I don't really want to change my number over him. Eventually, he'll let up if I'm persistent.

So.. I'm sitting here thinking/reading. I swear, I feel like he's a psychopath. I feel SO guilty thinking this.. the more I read, the more I see. Maybe he's not full-blown insane, but he boreders it for sure. No, I don't think he's a psychopathic killer, or something of that nature. However, as far as lack of remorse, empathy, blaming others, superficial charm - He's got it all...

Anyone had experience with socio/psychopaths or narcissits?

Dear Jenny,

First of all, you did the right thing. I am married to a pill addict. And I see lots of similiarities in your story. I understand how much you love him. My motto has become- I married the perfect man for me, but he's an addict.

I don't know if you would consider getting back together with him. I hope not for your sake, but people in love do crazy things. My husband & I were high school sweet hearts, & we met in kindergarten. So I knew him my whole life. I broke up with him a few times because of the pills. But I married him because I was still very naive. I had not attended meetings or read any books on addiction. But to be honest with you, I don't regret marrying him. I really do love him that much. He's wonderful to me. So I understand when you say he's "amazing".

Whether you would consider taking him back or not, I recommend that you attend Nar Anon meetings in person & go to your local library & check out tons of books on addiction. I think it could help you a great deal.

And one more thing- don't let the guilt trips get to you. When they are actively using, I have learned you can't even believe 10% of what they say, including the guilt trips. My husband broke his neck in a car accident, & I always let him get away with him saying he had so much pain. Lots of addicts have legitimate pain, but they use it as an excuse to stay high also. My husband has said a few times (when he was sober a few months) that he has a lot less pain than he thought he had. I think the vast majority of an addict's pain is all in their head. It's a good excuse for them to keep using.

Be strong. And give yourself credit for doing the right thing. I've been there. Make smart decisions. And when he calls and says "I love you, I miss you, I'm sober", don't believe him darling. I'm not trying to be negative, just speaking from my own experiences. If he really is sober, you will be able to tell I promise. Trust your gut, not your feelings. Feel free to send me private messages if you need to talk. We have a lot in common.

Love and Hugs,
Christen

Thank you Christen. The sad thing about reading your message is how you don't regret marrying him... making me more inclined to want to stay. I'm a sucker for him. He's blowing up my inbox today about how very sorry he is. How he took me for granted. How he can't lose me, etc.

WHY DO I FALL FOR THIS? I'm ignoring them. At least until I can think more clearly. I don't want to cave in. I just don't know what to do.

May I ask how much your husband used? Has he sought at treatment? Is he in denial at all? What is his personality like, on and off of them?

I'm not concerned about him being sober at the moment.. He's an alcholic. So yes, at this very minute while he's working, he's sober. I just don't know how much more I can take of this insanity. I'm trying dearly to detach, but it's so hard.

Thanks for your words... I'm feeling miserable right now. I don't trust anymore. I don't want anything to do with ANYONE. I think I'm depressed...

I have a good friend.. she's a junkie. She'll do any and every drug. So, anytime she comes over, I hide my prescription pills (again, I have chronic pain. I hardly take the pills, but use them for emergencys). Well on Friday, I went to grab my diamond earring my boyfriend bought me for christmas.. they were gone. I bawled for over an hour straight. He is the only guy who's ever gotten me jewelry. He didn't work most of the winter due to limited work available.. and he made sure to buy those for me. It was the only thing he got me, and they're now gone. I accused my friend of stealing them, telling her she was a junkie and I've seen her lie and manipulate everyone else, and I was foolish to think she wouldn't me. I've known her 12 years... never thought for a second she'd do this. She swears up and down she didn't. I can't say for sure. I just want nothing to do with ANYONE.

Maybe it sounds stupid - but those earrings meant the world to me. They were the last bit I had left of him. They were the only thing he got me, because he knew how badly I wanted nice jewelry.

He's gone. My junkie friend is gone. My precious earring are gone. My sanity is gone. My happiness is gone. I really want nothing to do with anyone.. just want to be left alone.

How do I get out of this funk?

The right thing!
 

I'll just say it one more time - YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! About six weeks ago I had to kick my son out of our house. He was clean for six months then relapsed. Hardest thing was watching him walk out that door with his stuff. Now I'm wishing his girlfriend would break up with him, because that will help him get closer to the bottom!

Enjoy yourself and try to find the comfort of doing the right thing. Be proud that you were brave enough to take a step to get him closer to recovery, if he so choses!

We're never alone because our higher power will keep them and us company!

yeah, i was about 90% convinced mine was actually a psychopath (not killer) because SO MANY of the behaviors were in line with that. it was incredibly painful. "was loving me just made up?" "do you only use people - even your only child that you claim to love more than anything?" "were you just pretending when you wrote beautiful things?" and on and on.

the addict's personality mirrors that of a psycho/socio path when in active addiction. it's cause feeding that addiction trumps everything else. i've seen it with my own eyes: someone who can be repentant, sane, generous - go to completely self-absorbed, irrational, manipulative, a cheat.

honey, the longer you stay in contact, the longer this thing with your two stays alive. you went no contact for awhile. you can do it again.