I'm a sucker. Maybe it's being naive. Maybe it's seeing the good in people. Maybe it's giving people too many chances. I'm just a sucker...

I heard my dogs going off last night, and I walked out to the living room and I saw him there handing my brother something to give to me. I walked outside to talk to him (because I had been debating being weak and calling him... and there he was). He had gone and replaced the earrings someone stole from me. I know the technique.. I know why he did it. BUT, those earrings were very important to us both, and I thought it was incredibly sweet.

Yes, the sweet-mean cycle.. I know. I watched him cry and beg for another chance. My heart can't so no..

Did you make a decision? Sometimes, to gain clarity, we just need time.

Maybe you can tell him that he needs time, and you need time. Time to be with yourselves, time to think, time to forge a new and healthier relationship, time to get a clearer head with more sobriety. Time to work on yourselves, to be better people individually, before you can come together again and be a better couple.

With me, no contact was the most wretched when:
* we had so much unresolved stuff
* i thought it might be forever

A plan like that might help to ease your angst.

I did make a decision... I truly do want to be with him. I just try and convince myself I don't to make this all easier to deal with. He said he felt like he'd really lost me this time, and he'd taken me for granted and that he did NOT want this. It just feels right when I'm in his arms. I've had several boyfriends, but I can honestly say I have never felt the connection, the passion, the love that I share with him, with anyone else. After the first day I met him, I came home and said to my mom, "I'm going to marry this guy". It sounds silly... but it's completely different with him.

Actually, I still want time. I want to be WITH him, but I also want to take time for myself. I plan to continue on my path of recovery from co-dependency. I plan to work out, eat right, and still do the things I love, while making time for my friends.

Thank you for your advice.. Call me stubborn. I just really want to be with him. We've been apart for a month now and I so long to have him back. I really see things a lot more clearly now, then I did then. I know I contribute to the mess, throw fits and act irrational. Those meaningless fights just aren't worth it anymore...

Mmmph... Good recall Anvilhead.

It's the sad truth behind us. I guess I'm secretly hoping that, this time it will be different. Who's to say this time is ANY different though? Oh man, that was a kick to the gut.. a shot of reality.

I'm just hoping... this time, things will be different. That we can cling to the positive/happy times. I know I've changed. As far as not letting him talk down to me, hold me back, etc. I'm going to continue loving him, BUT, also loving myself and doing what makes ME happy.

Maybe that will show, and he'll do the same.

Wow, I feel really silly now. It's so easy to get caught up in his whirlwind of love and emotions... He knows exactly what to do and say to hook me, and reel me right back in..

Oh my god, what if he is a socio/psychopath? What have I done?

I know just how you feel. I thought I was going to marry my ex. But then I took my blinders off and realized that he is REALLY flawed. No matter how nice, he does NOTHING w his life. no goals, no ambition.
No morals anymore. He is dealing drugs.
What an awful life to lead.
I hated the rollercoaster so I got off.
Its been hard flying solo again, but, I know its for the best.
Even when I have my moments of weakness, thats when I come on here and vent.
I dont want that life. At all.

I believe my exabf to be a sociopath in many ways. He did go to detox and try to get sober for me (wrong person to get sober for). He relapsed and a friend in the program told me he is not done writing his story and hopefully it has a happy ending.

That is what helps me when I get weak I just remind myself that he is still writing his story and I pray he has a happy ending and I am grateful it will not be with me. The lies, the lies the lies. I will never miss them. I dont miss the pain or the worrying. He was not worrying about me or my whereabout or feelings so why would I want to waste so much effort when I still had a beautiful story to write myself.

Best of luck it is not easy to let go but it can be done :)

cmhcali~ I LOVE that response. Its true they dont worry about us. Its OUR time and SHINE we will!!! Great post!

Thanks so much. I think it helps more when someone says they can relate. I know we can all relate in one way or the other...

Newlife.. what's your story? When did you break up? I was talking to my bf last night about his back pain (he quit taking pain meds) and he told me his back hardly hurts anymore. He said he's amazed at how much his pain has lessened. I just wanted to laugh and tell him that when you abuse medicine, the pain comes on ten times stronger, and it's all in your mind. Instead, I simply told him I was very happy to hear that and I hope it stays that way. If his back pain goes away, I honestly don't see him abusing pills. I do however, see him drinking until the day he dies. He always tells me, "I'd never drink around my kids" or "once I have kids I won't smoke cigarettes" I'm just like.. why not stop BEFORE you have kids? I don't believe it... at the same time, he can easily cut off alcohol when he needs to, he just always finds his way back to it. I HATE IT... BUT, I'm the same way. I grew up with alcoholics, I've been an "addict" my whole life... I abuse things too. Putting two addicts in a relationship SUCKS, especially when one wants a better life, and the other doesn't.

" know just how you feel. I thought I was going to marry my ex. But then I took my blinders off and realized that he is REALLY flawed. No matter how nice, he does NOTHING w his life. no goals, no ambition.
No morals anymore. He is dealing drugs.
What an awful life to lead.
I hated the rollercoaster so I got off.
Its been hard flying solo again, but, I know its for the best.
Even when I have my moments of weakness, thats when I come on here and vent.
I dont want that life. At all. "

It's amazing how much I can relate to that ALL. I feel like he has no ambition in life. Who wants to JUST live for their next high, etc? DO SOMETHING. BE SOMETHING. He holds a decent job, he's highly skilled and intelligent in every department, but he has NO hobbies. I can't stand it. Find something you love, and do it. He's a GREAT artist and very creative. I've asked him to draw for me, make me something.. something. He started making me a necklace out of a rock we gathered on a hike... he filed it down with tools..and it's now in the shape of a heart, but he's not finished. Will he ever? Egh.

I'm just needing to vent. I love him dearly, and he truly means well. I know how much he cares about me. I still feel like he's a psychopath.. I'm just waiting, hoping I'm wrong.

I feel very mean saying all of this.. I'm glad others can relate/understand...

Wow, Anvilhead.. You are wise. You offer great insight. It's very true, what you say... You're right.. What he's doing isn't good enough for me. Isn't that MY problem though? Isn't that part of my unrealistic high expectations of people? Part of my control tactic? There comes a point when you need to accept things about people, and I'm trying. He's really not a bad guy. He's got a big heart, and he cares very much. He's so sweet to me, gives me back rubs because I'm in chronic pain... etc. So.. shouldn't I accept some flaws? I mean, I've got mine too. I throw temper tantrums. I scream and cry. I accuse. I yell. I cry. I act downright CRAZY! Maybe.. I want to be accepted too.

I'm not sure where you draw the line, really. I will observe him like you say. I'm definitely kind of detached already, and just trying to feel this out again. Thank you for your advice, I will follow it...

Jenny~
Heres my shortened version~Found my ex growing pot. Left him.
Told his brothers gf and they arent doing anything about it. Its in his AUNTS house!!! It makes me furious and more so because he never told me!!!! I could have gone to jail for that!
He has been smoking since he was 16. This disease came WAY before me. I thought it was a phase. Definitely not!
He said the same thing. He actually told me the best he can do for me is to quit smoking around me...HA! Thats right before I found out he was growing so OF COURSE he wasnt going to cut down!
He also said he doesnt have a reason to quit smoking because he doesnt have kids. Thats when I was done. Like hello??? Im not a sufficient reason to quit. thats the manipulation talking. Putting off quitting and making excuses.

I told him that hes a manipulator when I left. He blamed me at first for not being happy enough in the relationship (which I wasnt). I would question the relationship every few months feeling like HE wasnt happy when really it was ME.
I stopped feeling things towards him because he would NEVER open up.
We would argue about this. He says he's had this problem w all his exs. WELL DUH! WONDER WHY???
He puts everything behind the pot and I was sick of it. It was my reason to leave. I had been planning to leave for a couple months prior. He had been acting distant (found out its because of the stash) so I wanted out.
Then of course when I left him, he cried and cried but ya know what I said??
Im sorry but its too late. And it really was. He hurt my self esteem by never opening up to me. He hurt me in such ways he nor I may never even realize.
Its a terrible thing addiction. It steals your very soul and those around you too.
I hope this helps! feel free to ask more ?s

ps I have to add, he was a great person too. He was kind, gentle, loving, and affectionate. Just not enough of the time. It was those glimpses of time that kept me in it. He was like jeykl and hyde. terrible rollercoaster ride.

GOSH! The only thing I can say today is WOW! I relate to everything I read! I give you major props for walking away! You realized you deserved better, and you went with it! How long ago did you say you left him? I've read so many different things, I'm getting confused. Two months of no contact? Or Last March? Sorry. You said since he was 16.. how old is he now?

Even after leaving him, he hasn't offered to change? I'm sorry for your pain. I took my boyfriend back, and I can't help but question whether I made the right decision. All I can say.. is my pain is gone. I no longer feel a void. I no longer walk in a daze.. so I'm not sure. I shouldn't have to question it though.

So, what are you doing to help yourself heal? Besides, these forums of course!!

thanks! yea its been two months NC. I wrote him a letter stating that unless he got clean i didnt want to wait around for him. I told him that he changed me into someone I didnt want to be anymore. I told him that my dad was an addict and I couldnt raise my future kids to be that way. He apologized and said he never realized how much he had hurt me over all this time. But I knew that was the manipulation talking. We dont speak now. He and I are VERY stubborn. He knows if I walked away, I meant it.
I was BEYOND FURIOUS when I found out. I told him that he could screw up his own life, but I would NEVER let him ruin mine.
I was extremely firm on my grounds and even told his brothers gf under no circumstances am I looking to reconcile. I was put through enough. I dont want addiction in my life ever again.
He started smoking pot when he was 16. He's 26 now. Thats 10 yrs of addiction that I cant reverse. He gave up doing the things he loved. He only wanted to sit around and get high. He had no ambition for life WHATSOEVER. Never would go out and be social (d/t his social anxiety which is made 10x worse w/ pot)
I got sick of the struggle. They say in Alanon when youre too sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was tired of feeling an icky feeling in my stomach. I knew it was the scapegoat for me to finally end it.
He isnt going to change. Hes a straight up bonafide pothead. Hes told me when we met that he would never give up pot. Back then I didnt date anyone that did it and thought pot "wasnt that bad"
I think sometimes its WORSE because it steals your soul. Youre emotionless.
Its so depressing too!
So now, I stay busy w/ school, work, stay out w/ my friends on weekends (those are the hardest times).
I know I deserve better and my ex even told me so. I said I have too many people counting on me and too much going for me for you to do this.
I cant allow it. And he said, youre right you have more going for you than I ever have.
I feel sad for him. He may end up alone the way he's going. Addiction is a dealbreaker now w/ me. Its a progressive disease. And having no ambition in a partner isnt ok either. I want someone that challenges me to be a better, stronger person. Sitting at home with cheetos and family guy just isnt going to change my life. Im a doer, not a follower.
Anyway....sorry for the rant! Hope this helped!

That's a powerful post! I enjoyed reading it. I can see your strength and it inspires me. Good for you! How long have you been dating him? It's still really hard after two months of no contact?

You seem like a sweet, wonderful person! I can really relate to what you're saying, I feel the exact same way. I was talking to my boyfriend yesterday about his lack of hobbies. He takes pride in his work though. He LOVES fixing things, and last night he installed new car speakers for me. That will suffice! We have differences in what makes us happy. He planned our friday, and he wants to go rock climbing, with and for me! I see progress; just hope it lasts.

I wish you the best with everything! Are you still going to Al-Anon?

Thank you! Yeah we were dating for a year and a half. I truly loved him with all my heart and walking away was the hardest thing I've ever done. But his parents enable him and baby him to some extent to keep up this pothead lifestyle. I wasn't going to win with them on his side (parents are in denial about it all), nor was he ever planning on getting clean. Its been very hard not to call him, but I know that I did the right thing. We are moving in two totally different directions and I cant go where he's going. Its a steep slope that I just dont need. I've worked too hard for nursing school to have it all thrown away through a relationship. That and I dont want to go to jail!

I feel I am a very good person and I give my all to relationships which is why I finally realized I was codependent and stepped away. Im tired of giving everything and receiving very little, and that goes for my family and friendships as well. I didnt want my life to repeat itself the way my mom raised us kids. Its a very unhealthy environment to be around an addict and I still carry those emotional scars.
My ex was a very kind person. He tried to look out for my best interests and always supported school. He just always seemed so unsure of himself. Even though he displayed a little cockiness at times, I saw the side of insecurity that came from not having a GED or any higher level education. We couldnt communicate on a higher level and I wasnt happy with that. Im a very intellectual person.
I guess it just progressed from that feeling of not connecting on a mental level. Im not much of a tv person and thats all he wanted to do for the majority of our relationship. I could never get him to go out and be social. I need someone that can keep up w/ me intellectually and socially. I have alot of friends from all walks of life, and I want someone that embraces that rather than is intimidated by it.
I hope that your bf does change. If my ex was motivated to turn his life around, I would have tried to work it out. But he doesn't and I didn't.
Glad to hear that I inspire you! That makes me feel good

oh and yes i go to nar-anon and al-anon during the weeks when I have time. Its hard being so busy.

Jenny,
This is a very interesting statement to me. Would you read it? Then read it again, and say what you think in response.

I understand that you are not in pain right now - that constant ache in your chest, the periodic heart racing, the obsession with the break-up. It's so, so awful. But I would guess that there has been a pattern to the relationship. Doesn't it always feel like such tremendous relief when you reconcile....only to go to the scary, ugly part again? Rinse, repeat.

I found that I would get upset, fearful, anxious, and think we should end the relationship. Then, when he got a little better with everything he struggles with, I would get hopeful, and so relieved that he was on track. One day I just started thinking that this pattern might go on for the rest of our lives. Yuck, I deserve better than that.

I have so much to say now! This may be a long post.

Newlife - reading everything you said is nearly words that would come out so naturally from my mouth. Here I am preaching about what needs to be done to make things better for you, all the while ignorning myself. Perhaps we can continue to build each other up and NOT call them. It'd be easier if you replied to my private message if you'd like :) All your thoughts and feelings are the situation are the same as mine, when I'm thinking rationally.

Coffeedrinker - those words couldn't have come at a better time. You nailed that one entirely. We made it three days, three whole days. You're right, there is a pattern. I've been thinking about it non-stop, but trying to ignore it. I've gone against my better judgement to temporarily heal my pain. I have to say, the pain, and anger I feel now is worse than the loneliness I felt then. As my good friend said, it's better to be lonely than it is to be miserable with someone. I need to vent.. so here goes my story.

The reason he sucked me back in.. after I blocked his number.. after I made the decision to cut all ties and be done with it. He knew EXACTLY how to bait me. Someone stole my diamond earrings he bought for me. He KNEW how devastated I was. He was begging and pleading for me to see him, talk to him, give him a chance. I said no. I was indifferent. I wanted nothing to do with him.

Then I see him.. there at my front door handing my brother the fresh new bag to replace those earrings. I step outside to talk to him, and tell him I'm not sure I can accept them. What does he say, "I don't expect you to talk to me or take me back. I just wanted to replace these because I know how important they are to you". With that,I melted. I hugged him, and from there I couldn't let go. Maybe it was the tears in his eyes that told me he cared. That he was sorry. That he'd change. That finally, this time would be DIFFERENT.

WRONG.

Again, reasons I left... (I really need to ramble here)

He was blowing me off to get drunk with friends. I told him I will NOT come second, especially to alcohol. He said, "I promise this time I will change, I'll go back to us"

Day Two: I wait three hours for him to get home from his friends. Finally, he comes home. We go to the store to buy speakers to put in my car. I bought a new cd, and really wanted to listen to a song. He FLIPPED. He was irate, because he didn't want to hear that song. He screamed and yelled at me. I immediately became disgusted and stopped talking to him. An hour later I got the endless slew of, "I'm sorry" "can we move past this". I was repulsed. I wasn't angry, I was digusted. I didn't talk to him for about three hours, where I finally said, this is pointless... gave him hug and kiss, said I love you and went to bed.

Day Three (today): He get's off work early. He goes to his co-workers. I ask when he'll be home. He says a few mins after I do. I asked kindly if he could be home before me so he'd be showered and ready, and we could go grab dinner. He said no, he'd be home when I got home...which means about 45 minutes after me. I know how this goes everytime.

So.. I'm upset. I thought he said he'd make more time for me. I thought after only three days I wouldn't be constantly waiting around. Well, he calls me on my way home.. and I mention that I'm irritated, but it will pass. He asks why, and I said.. "I really don't want to discuss this because it will lead to a fight". Said I'd be fine and it'd pass. He insisted I tell him.

Calmly, I said.. "I'm just upset that I'm still waiting around for you two days in a row.. when you said things would be different". A reply that I expected would have been, "I'm sorry honey, I'm on my way" or something along those lines of normalcy. Instead, this is what I got. No joke.

"You're such a fu$$king Bi$ch!" - Then, I got about 20 minutes of screaming in my ear. I kept saying, calm down, I don't want to fight. I got mad that he was disrespecting me and told him to talk to me when he could be nice. That led to, "YOU FU%%KING APOLOGIZE TO ME NOW. YOU GET DOWN ON YOUR HANDS AND KNEES AND TELL MY FAMILY YOUR SORRY AND YOU LOVE ME" "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT JENNY. YOU'VE DONE THIS AND NOW WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS" "IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A FU%%KING BI$CH" Then he proceeded to break up with me.. and say, "YOU STUPID FU%KING C%NT!"

I WAS BLOWN AWAY! No idea what happened. So then, because I didn't say how very sorry I was, he broke up with me. HE THEN ASKED FOR THE EARRINGS BACK. When I said no, he said, in a very sinister voice, "Oh, I'll get you back sweety" and hung up on me. I'm actually scared. I texted him and said the earrings were a gift, to which he replied they weren't a gift.. he gave them to me to make me happy because a junkie friend of mine stole them. That'd he bill me for replacing my speakers, and that he now hated my guts.

Then, about four hours later I got, "You're so cold. Thanks for everything. You won't see me anymore, no one will, I'm done". He blocked my number, so not like I can reply.

I'm SO blown away. I can't take this crap anymore. Are there people who don't act like this? Has anyone had something similiar happen to them?? He yells at me out of no where, very, very often. I can not handle it anymore. Yet, I'm laying in bed without him, and I'm missing him. What's wrong with me? Maybe I shouldn't have been so controlling and upset that he was making me wait.. but I didn't deserve that reaction. Not at all.

I'm scared to date again. Scared to let myself love again. He's damaged me. I'm growing stronger though. I know that this is not something I ever want to tolerate. It's nothing new. I've been putting up with this behavior for over a year. I let him do it, but I don't know.. which is why he hates me.

Please offer advice. I'm falling here. I'm really sad, angry, hurt, confused and alone... Thanks..

coffeedrinker, you are reading my story. Its true. rinse, lather, repeat. Same drama. Except I would question things and bury it inside until I had to ask him if he was happy. Then he would always blame me for doubting things. One of the only times we really fought (another bad sign) was towards the end and he said
"I cant handle this conversation one more time" And thats when I FINALLY said "Yea well I think you have a drug problem and THIS isnt working. So yea, I cant handle this conversation either."
Its just a vicious cycle of denial, acceptance, denial, acceptance. The problem was we were both in denial of a problem. I'm not anymore. He can stay in that land of denial. I hope its as cushy as his jail cell.

Jenny~
Its ok. Youre off the ride now! Be happy. This guy is bipolar and who needs that crap? No one. I've been down the same road as you. Blamed for stuff I didnt do when HES the one that needs to look in the mirror. Codependents care too much about others. I know I did. I dont anymore. I CARE FOR PEOPLE THAT CARE FOR ME. Sounds selfish, but hey, if I dont look out for me, who will? I dont need people that drain me, make me feel bad. He's making YOU feel bad because HE feels bad about himself and drowns his feelings in drugs. WAY TO BE A MAN! Dont let him manipulate you. Dont apologize. You did nothing wrong. I would always apologize for bringing up the discontent I felt but you know, those were MY feelings and I will NEVER let anyone make me feel bad about that EVER AGAIN.
I will feel however I feel and thats that!
You will be sad for awhile, but when the fog clears, you will breathe a sigh of relief.
The drama is over. My suggestion is to do some self reflection to recognize how you got here. I know I personally look for the "bad guys" Im attracted to them.........but thats how I ended up here.
Find out what your reasons are. You'd be surprised how subconsciously you sabotage your own well being sometimes. We all do it.
Hugs and prayers,
One day at a time,
YOU ARE STRONG!

man....how we put ourselves on the back burner.
to not make waves.
to "help" our loved one through his/her anguish.
to keep the peace, waiting for the battle to end.

jenny,
i know you're worried about someday wanting to trust and love again - but you don't need to go there right now. jumping into a new relationship (and i know you're not doing that....yet) is not the cure. but we can't help but wonder.

i suspect he's not done with you yet. i suspect he'll show up again one day, expecting you to be the good ol' jenny you have been each time this has happened.

if and when he contacts you, if you find yourself talking to him, maybe tell him that the instant he curses at you, raises his voice, or calls you a name, you will simply hang up. then you do it.

it sounds like there's more than just alcohol going on with him. out of control.

i'm sorry you went through that. what a world of hurt. but maybe you needed to.

Coffeemaker.. why do you say you suspect he isn't done with me yet? Because this cycle never ends? I definitely don't want to date anytime. I need to enjoy me, and to be honest.. I do. I have no restraints anymore. I've lived over the past year of my life in CONSTANT fear. I can't see, talk to, or do certain things to not upset him. He has instilled a great fear in me, and I need to work through these issues now. I didn't realize how much he's damaged me, along with my three exes before him. I have to say, ultimately he's the worse. Like you newlife, I've always picked men with issues, or wrong for me. You suggest that if he comes back, tell him that if he raised his voice I won't talk to him, etc. I've actually started doing that.. and I did it last night, and you know what he said.. "You're worse than you've ever been". I don't get how he thinks, and I never will. I know why he thinks I'm worse though, it's because I do not cry and beg for him like I did before. That's what makes me cold.

newlife.. why do you say he's bi-polar? Have you ever dealt with a bi-polar person before? I've been questioning if he truly is or not for an entire year now. I truly believe he is. I'm just wondering why you say that. Classic behavioral signs?

"He's making YOU feel bad because HE feels bad about himself " - do people really do that. I'm so naive to the good in people. Is this a conscious effort?

I want to thank you both so much for talking to me, offering me advice and supporting me. It feels so great to be able to connect with others.. and just vent. I can't thank you enough!

well put cynical one. Its true, we teach others how to treat us. Im ashamed that I allowed my ex to let me sit in a corner day in and day out while he got high.
Its embarassing to be honest. I put HIS feelings in front of my own EVERY TIME.
I think he may be bipolar just for the signs. Im not really sure. Theres obviously some deep issues here. My ex has social anxiety and ADHD and he preferred to "self medicate"
I think thats just an excuse personally.
I think right now you need to get your big girl panties on and stay firm.
Thats what I had to do. No more should I or shouldnt I.
Stick to a decision to either stay or leave. Once youre firm on that, you can start moving forward.
From what I can see, living w/ someone that makes you afraid is NOT ok.
Ive been there. For 4 years I was there.
My ex before my ex was a liar and I found out some scary stuff about him too.
If you really feel afraid, dont file a restraining order. It does no good. Tell people around you. Start carrying mace. Dont go obvious places he knows about alone. etc etc
I hope this helps.
Guys can be real JERKS but....we dont need to take it one day more. And thats the beauty of it all.

It's true that I let him treat me this way. It's true that I'm putting an end to it. I just can't say it's very easy to stay firm all the time. I really believe I'm finally at my end with him though. I suppose talking about it makes it easier to accept and move on. The more I express his insanity, the less I want to ever deal with it again. No more excuses. None.

I agree. Thats why I go on here. I heard a couple sad breakup songs while I was out tonight. I felt crazy but I couldnt stand to hear them. Then I spiraled back into "I wonder what HES doing or where HE is or who HE is with." Frankly why should I care??? For all I know, he's probably growing barnacles in his basement from smoking too much weed. And thats where he can stay.
Right now, Im actually contemplating moving to Hawaii when Im done w/ my LPN.
Get as far from this loser as I possibly can.
Hindsight is 20/20. Im SO THANKFUL I took those stupid rose colored glasses off!