Wow I just came back after being gone for a bit and it looks like a lot went on Jenny! I don't care what his problem is there is never an excuse for someone to speak to you that way, it's verbal abuse. Stay strong girl, you've got plenty of time to meet the right guy, go and take care of YOU for a while! I'm so impressed and inspired!

i am also inspired. rejecting abuse is hard for me, and this post tonight is very helpful. thank you.

I don't know where to begin, yet again.

His thing now.. If he can't have me, no one will.

He is doing everything in his power, to ruin my life. There is some personal information that shouldn't be let out.. and that's what he's now doing. I spent hours listening to him cry and beg for me back. We could do anything. I calmly told him that I did indeed love him very much, but I will not take the abuse anymore.

He cried some more. Begged even more. ---- Then, he went balistic. He is going to do some very hurtful things to me now.. and I'm so scared. I feel like I'm dying on the inside.

I no longer feel the guilt I was feeling - that part has long left me. I'm scared of him. He's acting nuts. Calling me a liar, I'm gonna get what I deserve, etc.

Why.. why does he have to ruin my life? I'm so upset.. I just want to cry and cry.

I'm so finished with him.. but this is my personal information that he is now spreading around.. and I can't stop him. :(

jenny - rise above it. no person is in any position to place judgment on anything you have ever done in your life. you can't control what he is doing, but you can walk with your head high, like a lady. composed and graceful. if anyone looks down on you for anything your ex may say, you may want to reevaluate their place in your life.

Well... it's a serious thing. It's not even a character flaw. :(

Not sure how to rise above it... but, you're right. Thank you very much... As long as I'm moving forward, I'm happy.

One day, I will be at peace.

pills....

Actually.. he's not even on pills anymore. I blamed his addictions to pills and alcohol for his behavior.. it's just him.

He is abusive
He is disturbed
He is potentially Bi-Polar
He is certainly a psychopath

This has nothing to be with being an addict anymore. He simply.. will not change. This is who HE is...

are you safe?

Yes.. I am safe. :(

So what else do you want to do with your life Jenny - besides mourn the loss of your relationship with an abusive drug addict? I'm just asking because once I started focusing on my personal goals - the things that were really important to me - I was able to start moving forward and feeling better. My recovery took action from me. I had to work for it. But it's gotten easier and my life is way more fulfilling and happy now then it used to be when I was trying to help someone who didn't really want my help. When I was so busy trying to love someone who didn't love themself, I couldn't love myself either.

I have so much I want for myself, in all honesty.

I want to continue my education
I want to get back into my health and fitness
I want to seek God.. or something of that nature
I want to find peace and contentment within myself
I want to get into therapy and discover why I am the way I am
I want to travel and explore

I'm actually doing most of those things. I'm still in school. I'm educating myself on self-improvement and recovery everyday. I've dropped my drug addict friends. I've started really thinking about what makes ME happy, and what I want. I have sought out, positive, healthy friends. I took a random road trip to NYC over the weekend.

What I need to do:

I need to find a church.. or a good book, and educate myself on religion. I'm not a believer, because I'm ignorant. I don't know where to begin with this one.

I need to begin my exercise routine again. I've been too sad to do it. I can't get out and mountain bike or hike that much, because I have no one to do it with, and it's dangerous alone. I've been seeking out people for that.

I find it difficult to get into rock climbing again, because I have a serious neck injury. I'm waiting on an MRI, which I can't get until June. Rock climbing was my biggest out. It made me happier than anything too, so I'm a tad miserable without it.

Therapy - I'm trying to figure that one out. I'm a bit detered about therapy now. I had a therapist who denied seeing me, because I denied AA. All I wanted to do was discover all my repressed feelings, and she shut me out. I went to another one afterward, and I didn't like her too much. It's also very hard when you're broke, and it conflicts with your work schedule. This, is the closest I have come to therapy.. but I'm thinking about a solution to this problem. I may in fact.. seek out the abused women's shelter group, just simply, for support.

So, thanks for letting me lay it all out. I'm mopey and depressed.. but I am doing most of the things I need to do...

This guy has bigger problems than drug addiction, he is a rotten person. Thank God you left when you did he certainly sounds like the type that would have turned physically abusive at some point. If this information is being sent around via the internet there are steps you can take to make sure those sites (Facebook, Myspace etc) know about it and can take action. I had an issue with an internet stalker (an old insane boss!) and a friend of mine (a police detective) said to save each and every email, and then bring them to the police station in the town my boss lived in. He also had me type an email to him letting him know that any and all contact was unwanted and that any emails/voicemails etc would be saved from that point on and sent to the police station. Luckily that worked and I never had to take the next step and involve the police any further. You really do deserve better and you absolutely have the right to protect yourself and your life from anyone that threatens it.

Krys,

You're right. I came here for his pill addiction. I thought that is what caused it. The further I dug into it, I saw the bigger picture. That is why I keep referring to him as a psychopath. He lures me in with his kind, innocent, sweet words.

He tells me that we have something special. That we have what people search their whole lives for, and most don't find. That he's an honest, loyal, good man. I fall for it. Each and every time. I'm standing my ground now. But, I can't deny, it's hard not to get sucked back in. He knows the exact words to say.

I swear, he can be the sweetest guy I've ever met. There were times when we had the most amazing, loving relationship. I'm just not sure how much was real anymore. He swears he's not an alcoholic.. maybe he isn't. Maybe, he's just a psychopath.

I've started to think.. I'm on the wrong forum now. That I need one for psychopaths. but, it's the same nonetheless. I just don't want to bore anyone else with my crazy exboyfriend. If people don't mind, I WANT TO STAY HERE. It has helped SO much...

He's not sending information around on the internet. It was all a threat. However, that threat led me to have to deliever the news first.. so it wouldn't be coming from him. It hurt, and it was hard. He never followed through, but it crushed me.

I've never mentioned physical abuse... Do you believe this because how quickly his mood switches? Just curious.. I've thought about it too. He swears he'd never lay a hand on me, but don't they all? I'm actually getting on oprah dot com, to take some assesment test for your danger levels. I saw a program about abusive men, after a womans husband tried to kill her. Thought, I'd check it out. We'll see what it detects...

So, an old, insane boss? That's rather creepy in fact... I'm sorry you had to go through that...

Actually.. and I started to think. You say...

"This guy has bigger issues than drug addiction"

When I first came.. to here and the other forum I was on.. everyone said his behavior was common of that of addicts.. but the more I've read.. I haven't really seen that exact behavior. I've seen lies, and maybe some outbursts... but no one really seems to describe their AH to quite the same extent. Perhaps I reveal more than others?

In the end it doesn't matter what he is. He's sick and he's trying to take you down with him.

Follow your dreams Jenny.

I agree whole heartedly w/ hello kitty. sorry i didnt respond til now. I had a brutal exam today and then thought I had a blood clot so I spent most of the day in urgent care.
But yea, run! Ive dated liars, losers, and now a pothead drug dealer....
Ive seen more than I care to. Im taking a hiatus to get my head straight.
Sounds like he's feeding you a load of bull. Dont take the bait.
I did, with my first ex for 4 years longer than I should have. He was a total snake in the grass. Dont be deceived by his charm. Reclaim what is left of Jenny

And Ive had that same ex spread rumors about me too.
Let him lay his own bed. Even if he smears your name, he will have to answer to God one day. Karma is real.

how about alanon meetings?

if you can find a good sliding scale therapist, keep trying. they should allow you to interview you them once for free if you ask.

i love my therapist, but it has to be the right therapist.

the university campus (did you say you were taking college classes) may have psychiatry students who need to donate hours as part of their certification programs.

Good Luck!!! :You_Rock_

also - re: a forum like this for mental health / family & friends - i was poking around for that yesterday but i am most comfortable here. I think it all ties together, and it's actually not our role to diagnose them....

i am noticing similar stories and threads amongst so many of us, different degrees, but similar threads. ultimately we are reclaiming our lives.

go Jenny go!

Go Jenny Go! Love it, thank you! Man, I'm trying to go.

I just can't simply, detach 100%. He's been begging me, and I've been saying no, but I can't block him. Just can't.

I think I finally pissed him off enough, by not feeding into his ********. He finally said he was done, but haven't I heard that a million times?

I don't understand why I'm so weak. I do know.. just because I am talking to him, I haven't given in entirely. I'm pretty scared.. not just about him. There's something else, and I'm scared. Maybe that's why I cling.

Who knows. Maybe this is my moment of weakness.. I'll get it back.

Oh, and as for al-anon. I was too chicken **** to go back.. :(