just thinking
 

i guess i'm having a hard time right now. i just don't know what to feel, i don't want to feel at all. sitting here thinking and i can't seem to change my thoughts like i've always been able to do before now.

i've said that i thought i was done, but i guess i meant i was done with my husbands active addiction and behavior. i wouldn't write return letters because i promised him i wouldn't. i just didn't think his choice to steal and continue to do drugs were good ones and i decided that if he had to continue to use and go to jail, i wasn't gonna support him in that. i had no idea he would die while in jail. he was suppose to one day get out, then i would eventually see if he could become a productive member of society. it wasn't suppose to happen this way.

i dreamed of him having a good life even if it had to be without us. i think maybe i'm being a little selfish, he's gone now but i really wish he could come back.

i don't know how to go on with my life, never thought i'd have to go on like this. for nearly 24yrs, he and the life we had, was all i knew. i just don't know what to do with myself now.

i'm praying that god will help me get past the constant pain of him being gone.

Teke, I can promise you that the day will come when it will not be the first thing on your mind when you wake.

Please be gentle with yourself as you reorient yourself to this horrible loss.
I understand the shock of it and the feeling that this is your one and only reality, in time that does pass.
In the meantime, you have my prayers.

Live

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. :hug:

so often we are so struck with the unfairness of life. "it wasn't supposed to end this way" is a sentence that God has heard many times. i think what you ARE feeling is what you're supposed to feel. i think you're supposed to feel sad, confused, angry, abandoned, hurt, and that you are sometimes in a desolate place. your kids are probably feeling all of those things as well. maybe the fact that something happened to him that had nothing to do with his bad choices makes a difference - maybe you feel more sad at what happened, sad for him as well as you, that he didn't get the opportunity for another chance at life - a life with you guys.

maybe someone is thinking i'm heartless to write this stuff down, because you are in such grief, but i believe that if i name something you're feeling, well, you were feeling it already. people often tiptoe around someone who is grieving because they don't wanna remind them. well, i know that nothing anyone can do or not do, say or not say, makes any difference in you being reminded. it is constant and following you around everywhere. this is normal and it really won't last - it just feels like it will.

it's enormous, and you need to feel all of those emotions - whatever they are! no "right ones" or "wrong ones". do you have "the grief club"? any other books? is there a meeting you could get to? do you have a pastor?

as for God getting you through, well, you already know the answer to that one.
i'm sorry honey.

((Teke)) - I wasn't with my ex for nearly as long as you were with R, but I still catch myself having the thought that I can't believe he is gone....that my hopes that he would "get it" are gone, thinking that even if we weren't going to be a couple, that we could be friends, is gone, and he died in Dec.

I know when my mom died, even though I did most of the funeral arrangements, sent out thank-you letters to the cards, etc. it didn't actually sink in, until she'd been gone 6 months.

I think that God protects us, in a way, because the pain would be too much to absorb all at once. That's why we kind of flounder around...not knowing how to feel. We get through the days, putting that one step in front of the others and we reach out to others. In time, that gut-wrenching pain doesn't happen as often as it did. We still have that ache, but occurences become further and further apart. We start to remember the good, and there is always some good...your children are living proof of that.

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through, and I'm right here if you need me. We always know this is a possibility for our A's, but it's still a shock.

I've got a couple things to do in the morning, but will call you tomorrow, okay?

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy

teke, did you read any of elizabeth Kubler-Ross's books yet?

((((((((((((((Teke))))))))))))))))))))))))))
There is no understanding of grief until you are in it.
I can't even imagine your pain. I am glad you are able to speak of it.
We are here to listen...

((((((teke))))))

When someone close to us dies, grief shatters our world into a million pieces. It numbs us to the bone and turns us into walking zombies. We don't know what to do with the emptiness created by the loss.

We ask "why" and "what if." As someone once said "this is the bleeding stage of grief." To make matters worse, we believe we have no right to mourn the loss of an alcoholic or addict. I felt exactly the same when my ex died 2 years ago, and I had divorced him 25 years earlier.

You will slowly begin to adapt and rebuild your inner world. It takes time. It may help to write him a letter or sit in the sunshine and say all the things to him you didn't have a chance to.

And, although no one can grieve for you, we are here to love and support you through it.

((((((((((((((((((((((Teke)))))))))))))))))))))))) )
Just a big hug and a prayer for peace of mind.:Meditate:
b.

thank you guys,

hunny, i did have my alone time with his remains and it did help me to talk to him and i still talk to him at times, i did that before he was gone. a part of me feels that his spirit may still be around to hear my heart.

before, i took solace in knowing that even if i said no to him coming home, he would sooner or later still try. i recieved a letter 3 days prior to his passing, wanting to come home when he got out. he was looking forward to going into this 90 day rehab program he had applied for and got excepted into. he said he was hoping i would let him come home if he showed us that he would be better. now it is so final, i know now, he'll never try to come back, i'll never have the chance to decide whether or not i want to or can live with him again. its all over.

even coming here sometimes feel like my reason for doing so is gone but when i think about all of you, i feel like i have to come. i have to be here for me, even though its sometimes feel like a reminder of all i've been through and is trying to get through. don't mean to carry this on and on but being here right now, at this time, seems like all i have left...

i know you all do but others may not understand my grief of an addict but that does not really matter. what matters to me is that i know what its like to be that addict, doing all kinds of crazy stuff, that i did love my husband and had high hopes that he'd find his way one day. it matters that he was not always the way he turned out to be and that it could have been me still out there using, getting into trouble then passing on, rather than him.

not lookng for anything but a place for my heart to speak. thanks for letting me.

hopefully i'll feel better when he's finally laid to rest this fri. this has been the longest feburary ever.

((Teke)) - we don't need to have qualifiers to be welcome here. Look at ((Ann)) - her son has been MIA for years, yet she never fails to share her ES&H with us, and if she needs us...she knows we are here for her. She is just the first one to come to my mind, but there are others.

You and I came to this forum because we wanted to try to make amends for some of the stuff we did when WE were using; we wanted to figure out a way to deal with the pain of loving an addict. We've stayed because it's like home to us....sometimes we give, sometimes we take. No matter what life throws at us, the people here can walk us through it.

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy

In my culture, we believe they stay around for as long as we need them. I know my paternal grandmother is still with me and so is my dad. If I told you all the reasons why I believe that, it would rival the Twilight Zone.

Not too long ago a friend asked me if I believed we're divinely created. My answer was unequivocally yes. We're a mass of electrical current and without it we can't live. We can give someone a shot of that current if they flatline but we can't keep them alive with it. We can keep someone artificially alive but we can't bring back that current once it's truly gone. In the same way we can't create that initial current when life begins.

The next time you see an electrical storm, think about that. It comes from somewhere and has to go somewhere too. The next time you look at a star in the heavens above, remember that when they die, they never really do. They are transformed into white dwarfs, neutrons, and black holes.

Nothing ever truly dies and especially not the spirit :)

[QUOTE=teke;
i know you all do but others may not understand my grief of an addict but that does not really matter. what matters to me is that i know what its like to be that addict, doing all kinds of crazy stuff, that i did love my husband and had high hopes that he'd find his way one day. it matters that he was not always the way he turned out to be and that it could have been me still out there using, getting into trouble then passing on, rather than him.

I am so, empathetic to your grief, your pain and your loss. I also went through the loss of an alcoholic husband in Oct.09. Even though we were divorced for many years, i never stopped loving, worrying, caring. I detached, but not all the way. When he passed away it was finally over. I was devastated, but at the same time, I was relieved he wasn't suffering any longer. I am relieved I'm not in the gut wrenching angst of "what's going to happen next, what tragedy, will strike this time," all that stuff. I still miss him, but it's in a more peaceful way now.
Give yourself some time to grieve. It's a necessary part of healing and it's okay, to cry, feel the loss and go through the mourning. You are wandering through the sadness, but you are not lost. In the proper time, for you and you only, you will find your way again.
"She decided to start living the life she'd imagined"~Kobi Yamada

http://http://slackrthemes.com/test/...alk-trail1.jpg

Sending hugs and keeping you in my prayers, Teke.

It takes time, but healing will begin.

Hugs

Give yourself time to grieve honey. There's no right or wrong way to do get through this.


Coping with Grief and Loss: Support for Grieving and Bereavement


How are the kids doing?

Hi Teke,
I truly understand this, my sister passed away 3 months ago. I have said these things too.
I kept thinking "All I want is for her to come back so we can start again", so she can have a great life.
I do realize though that is my dream for her. The pain is so heartbreaking, I know Teke. Thoughts/memories pop into your head on a daily basis and I am frustrated that I have no answers to my thoughts. I too feel alone, what to do with myself. So busy working, etc etc but still a big fat hole in my heart.

I'll give you a big hug and tell you that "its going to be ok" Jo

oh teke, you are in my thoughts more than you know. grieving and mourning are two separate processes and each on is unique to each individual. i understand the pain and a level after only 3 years, no kids with my fiance'. We always have a sliver of hope...when that hope has to expire, it's hard work. I think that your AH is whole, at peace, and blissful. I too believe very strongly that my fiance' is in spirit form and with me in so many ways. You will feel this too maybe and it's very comforting. I wish I could be with you so you could have a shoulder to cry on and vent. I'm sorry.

thanks,

insulated, meonlyme, justjo, and all those who have lost loved ones here. i'm sorry for your loss too.

kitty, the kids are as good as to be expected. our only daughter together is kind of having a hard time and so is my oldest son of another marriage, he was 4 when we first met and became his best friend until his addiction progressed as far as it did, together we all are trying to comfort each other.

chino, insulated, the spirit belief does kind of give me comfort. its good to know i'm not the only one who may feel this way.

the spirit world does make themselves known at times. coins, electronics, etc. i am the most skeptical of anyone, but I am now coming around and it's comforting to know they watch over us. Personally I keep reminding myself that he is finally released from the chains that bound him. He is in bliss, whole, and in God's glory. I highly recommend Hospice, they have such a gift of matching the candidate with the appropriate counselor. It benefited me greatly. You will know when you're ready to make that move, go slow and know that the waves become less over time.

i'm feeling kind of numb right now, i guess questioning god, i just don't understand why he had to go. i'm a widow for the 2nd time, makes me not want to even think about being that close to no one else ever. this is so unreal.

there are times i'm ok, but nights gets really hard. i can still see him standing in the door way. what did i do to deserve this.

i feel like i really need help here but what kind, i just don't know. you guys have been great. i just wish i could go to sleep and when i wake, i find it all just a bad dream...

i'm getting closer to the day that i'll have to lay him to rest forever and my heart is really hurting. i've gotta do what i just don't want to do.

so very very very sorry, honey

(((Teke))) - Big hugs and prayers coming your way sweetie.

Amy

Teke - you are living what is our biggest fear here. We're here because we love addicts. Sons, daughters, husbands, wifes, brothers, sisters, parents. Come here anytime and vent. When addiction escalates to this WE don't know what to do. You know, my bff said the other day of ALL people - I can't believe that YOU would tolerate this. Teke - my response was 'you never know what you'll do until you walk in my shoes.' I strongly believe that.

You do what you have to. To get through this. I've not shared this here before, but my 18 year old brother was killed in a car accident 19 years ago. He was the most awesome person you could ever meet. He was set to go to school @ a great college - had a full ride. He was going to be an architectural engineer. He played basketball, played golf, was very popular in high school. He was 18 and a month away from graduation. A person ran a stop sign and ended all of that. I spent months trying to figure it all out. If I would have just called that am and delayed him a bit. If he had just taken out the trash, just fed the dogs etc. I blamed myself for so long about this. I tried to bargain with God to just take me, bring him back. I swear I would have given myself to spare him. He was so loved, had so many gifts, was better, smarter etc. I don't know how or why, but eventually I just knew he was with me. Somehow I found peace. I didn't find an explanation, but I just (as chino said) knew he was with me all of the time - whenever I wanted.

Was he taken early to spare him from cancer or a tragic death? What was the reason? In MY mind their will NEVER be a justifiable reason -. I don't know what to say except I'm sorry for your loss. I remember the line @ the funeral home. People came through upset, with all of the wrong words. People came through saying God has a reason. For me that just made me mad. WHY would God take my brother. A good person, destined to be great. Why is he leaving he scum of the earth here and taking HIM? I don't have that answer, but I know he's resting in the arms of the angels right now. I KNOW he is MY guardian angel right now. He IS watching over me and protecting me.

Maybe you AH is doing right now what he couldn't do on earth...protect you, your kids and watch over you. Maybe God is taking him to MAKE him clean - something that he couldn't do from the outside. Teke - I think of you often. You are living a huge fear of mine. Hugs to you and PLEASE keep posting. In the end - you have to lookout for YOURSELF AND your SEVEN kids. Your AH wouldn't want anything less. Just as your AH has trusted you, mine has trusted me. He knows they're in good care.

Again, I'm so sorry. PM me anytime that you want. You are loved.

i would only be able to echo what so many others here have already said. i am so sorry that you are grieving... not only the loss of your husband but grieving because of the circumstances and status of your relationship. dont berate yourself over the choices you made.

thanks.

callie, that helped a lot. i have got to figure out what could possibly be next for me. i'm 56yrs old, totally grey headed and partially disabled. i just can't imagine any kind of life after this. i've spent most of my adult yrs hoping for change or that miracle to happen and now that he's gone, i feel kind of hopeless.

i know i'm not alone, i have my kids and you guys but now i think i know what real loneliness feels like, i only thought i knew before. i wish there was a pill i could take, even the voice of my addiction has tried to call me out but don't worry, i won't let that happen. that would be worse than anything.

i've been sitting here most all day, every day and half the night, i just feel like typing, doing whatever i can to keep busy. this is where i come when i can go no where else. i hope you guys understand. i'm not crazy or going crazy, it just feels like it sometimes.

if any one gets tired of reading this, please just pass on by, i do understand. sr is not all about me and my trials, i just don't know what else to do right now.

Teke,

I have not been on SR for very long, but I want to tell you how much I appreciate your warm, kind and thoughtful replies to everyone here.
I am so sorry for your loss.
From another woman who has passed the half century (eek!) mark, I know you will find your peace and serenity again. It is always right there.

Thank you again,
Beth

thanks wicked, so there is hope, huh?

I can relate to how your feeling. I lost my AH 3 months ago. He had been clean for a little over a year and had relapsed and overdosed. He was working out of town at the time and was found my a hotel maid. He was close to the town that we left when he got clean. I was worried it would be to much for him and told him so. My worse fear came true. At first I was in shock and just wanted him back here with us and kept expecting him to call or walk through the door. When I finely got to see his body it made it more real. For the past couple of months I have been so angry with him. If he walked through the door right now I'd kill him for putting everyone through all of this. He is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep. I think part of it is that all the hope I had for him to stay clean and the life we should have had together is now gone. I know that there is no hope for us to have the life we wanted. We won't raise our baby together and we won't grow old together. He took all that hope away. Hope has kept me going through all of his addiction and that is gone. I don't want to be angry any more. It makes me mad because I feel like me being angry with him still gives his addiction control over me. My prayers are with you and you are in my thoughts. I know how hard this is. Hope I didn't get off of the subject to much. LOL Much love.