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Old 02-21-2010, 07:31 PM
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just thinking

i guess i'm having a hard time right now. i just don't know what to feel, i don't want to feel at all. sitting here thinking and i can't seem to change my thoughts like i've always been able to do before now.

i've said that i thought i was done, but i guess i meant i was done with my husbands active addiction and behavior. i wouldn't write return letters because i promised him i wouldn't. i just didn't think his choice to steal and continue to do drugs were good ones and i decided that if he had to continue to use and go to jail, i wasn't gonna support him in that. i had no idea he would die while in jail. he was suppose to one day get out, then i would eventually see if he could become a productive member of society. it wasn't suppose to happen this way.

i dreamed of him having a good life even if it had to be without us. i think maybe i'm being a little selfish, he's gone now but i really wish he could come back.

i don't know how to go on with my life, never thought i'd have to go on like this. for nearly 24yrs, he and the life we had, was all i knew. i just don't know what to do with myself now.

i'm praying that god will help me get past the constant pain of him being gone.
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Old 02-21-2010, 07:38 PM
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Teke, I can promise you that the day will come when it will not be the first thing on your mind when you wake.

Please be gentle with yourself as you reorient yourself to this horrible loss.
I understand the shock of it and the feeling that this is your one and only reality, in time that does pass.
In the meantime, you have my prayers.

Live
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Old 02-21-2010, 07:42 PM
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I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 02-21-2010, 07:44 PM
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so often we are so struck with the unfairness of life. "it wasn't supposed to end this way" is a sentence that God has heard many times. i think what you ARE feeling is what you're supposed to feel. i think you're supposed to feel sad, confused, angry, abandoned, hurt, and that you are sometimes in a desolate place. your kids are probably feeling all of those things as well. maybe the fact that something happened to him that had nothing to do with his bad choices makes a difference - maybe you feel more sad at what happened, sad for him as well as you, that he didn't get the opportunity for another chance at life - a life with you guys.

maybe someone is thinking i'm heartless to write this stuff down, because you are in such grief, but i believe that if i name something you're feeling, well, you were feeling it already. people often tiptoe around someone who is grieving because they don't wanna remind them. well, i know that nothing anyone can do or not do, say or not say, makes any difference in you being reminded. it is constant and following you around everywhere. this is normal and it really won't last - it just feels like it will.

it's enormous, and you need to feel all of those emotions - whatever they are! no "right ones" or "wrong ones". do you have "the grief club"? any other books? is there a meeting you could get to? do you have a pastor?

as for God getting you through, well, you already know the answer to that one.
i'm sorry honey.
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Old 02-21-2010, 07:56 PM
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((Teke)) - I wasn't with my ex for nearly as long as you were with R, but I still catch myself having the thought that I can't believe he is gone....that my hopes that he would "get it" are gone, thinking that even if we weren't going to be a couple, that we could be friends, is gone, and he died in Dec.

I know when my mom died, even though I did most of the funeral arrangements, sent out thank-you letters to the cards, etc. it didn't actually sink in, until she'd been gone 6 months.

I think that God protects us, in a way, because the pain would be too much to absorb all at once. That's why we kind of flounder around...not knowing how to feel. We get through the days, putting that one step in front of the others and we reach out to others. In time, that gut-wrenching pain doesn't happen as often as it did. We still have that ache, but occurences become further and further apart. We start to remember the good, and there is always some good...your children are living proof of that.

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through, and I'm right here if you need me. We always know this is a possibility for our A's, but it's still a shock.

I've got a couple things to do in the morning, but will call you tomorrow, okay?

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 02-21-2010, 08:34 PM
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teke, did you read any of elizabeth Kubler-Ross's books yet?
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Old 02-21-2010, 08:53 PM
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Teke,

Try not to beat yourself up over the choices you made for yourself. No one could have predicted this. You needed to get your life back...away from all his chaos. How could you have known this would happen.

You'll work through it with time...it's not a race, and I am sure you have many unresolved feelings that you have not yet gotten completely out of your system. After a while, you will sort them out and get through them little by little.

You will go on with your life, and we'll be here for you.
Just remember to take it one day at a time.


(((((((: sending a smile )))))))
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Old 02-21-2010, 09:49 PM
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((((((((((((((Teke))))))))))))))))))))))))))
There is no understanding of grief until you are in it.
I can't even imagine your pain. I am glad you are able to speak of it.
We are here to listen...
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Old 02-22-2010, 07:06 AM
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((((((teke))))))

When someone close to us dies, grief shatters our world into a million pieces. It numbs us to the bone and turns us into walking zombies. We don't know what to do with the emptiness created by the loss.

We ask "why" and "what if." As someone once said "this is the bleeding stage of grief." To make matters worse, we believe we have no right to mourn the loss of an alcoholic or addict. I felt exactly the same when my ex died 2 years ago, and I had divorced him 25 years earlier.

You will slowly begin to adapt and rebuild your inner world. It takes time. It may help to write him a letter or sit in the sunshine and say all the things to him you didn't have a chance to.

And, although no one can grieve for you, we are here to love and support you through it.
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Old 02-22-2010, 07:41 AM
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((((((((((((((((((((((Teke)))))))))))))))))))))))) )
Just a big hug and a prayer for peace of mind.
b.
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Old 02-22-2010, 08:48 AM
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thank you guys,

hunny, i did have my alone time with his remains and it did help me to talk to him and i still talk to him at times, i did that before he was gone. a part of me feels that his spirit may still be around to hear my heart.

before, i took solace in knowing that even if i said no to him coming home, he would sooner or later still try. i recieved a letter 3 days prior to his passing, wanting to come home when he got out. he was looking forward to going into this 90 day rehab program he had applied for and got excepted into. he said he was hoping i would let him come home if he showed us that he would be better. now it is so final, i know now, he'll never try to come back, i'll never have the chance to decide whether or not i want to or can live with him again. its all over.

even coming here sometimes feel like my reason for doing so is gone but when i think about all of you, i feel like i have to come. i have to be here for me, even though its sometimes feel like a reminder of all i've been through and is trying to get through. don't mean to carry this on and on but being here right now, at this time, seems like all i have left...

i know you all do but others may not understand my grief of an addict but that does not really matter. what matters to me is that i know what its like to be that addict, doing all kinds of crazy stuff, that i did love my husband and had high hopes that he'd find his way one day. it matters that he was not always the way he turned out to be and that it could have been me still out there using, getting into trouble then passing on, rather than him.

not lookng for anything but a place for my heart to speak. thanks for letting me.
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Old 02-22-2010, 09:10 AM
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hopefully i'll feel better when he's finally laid to rest this fri. this has been the longest feburary ever.
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Old 02-22-2010, 09:26 AM
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((Teke)) - we don't need to have qualifiers to be welcome here. Look at ((Ann)) - her son has been MIA for years, yet she never fails to share her ES&H with us, and if she needs us...she knows we are here for her. She is just the first one to come to my mind, but there are others.

You and I came to this forum because we wanted to try to make amends for some of the stuff we did when WE were using; we wanted to figure out a way to deal with the pain of loving an addict. We've stayed because it's like home to us....sometimes we give, sometimes we take. No matter what life throws at us, the people here can walk us through it.

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 02-22-2010, 10:26 AM
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Originally Posted by teke View Post
a part of me feels that his spirit may still be around to hear my heart.
In my culture, we believe they stay around for as long as we need them. I know my paternal grandmother is still with me and so is my dad. If I told you all the reasons why I believe that, it would rival the Twilight Zone.

Not too long ago a friend asked me if I believed we're divinely created. My answer was unequivocally yes. We're a mass of electrical current and without it we can't live. We can give someone a shot of that current if they flatline but we can't keep them alive with it. We can keep someone artificially alive but we can't bring back that current once it's truly gone. In the same way we can't create that initial current when life begins.

The next time you see an electrical storm, think about that. It comes from somewhere and has to go somewhere too. The next time you look at a star in the heavens above, remember that when they die, they never really do. They are transformed into white dwarfs, neutrons, and black holes.

Nothing ever truly dies and especially not the spirit
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Old 02-22-2010, 10:57 AM
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[QUOTE=teke;
i know you all do but others may not understand my grief of an addict but that does not really matter. what matters to me is that i know what its like to be that addict, doing all kinds of crazy stuff, that i did love my husband and had high hopes that he'd find his way one day. it matters that he was not always the way he turned out to be and that it could have been me still out there using, getting into trouble then passing on, rather than him.

I am so, empathetic to your grief, your pain and your loss. I also went through the loss of an alcoholic husband in Oct.09. Even though we were divorced for many years, i never stopped loving, worrying, caring. I detached, but not all the way. When he passed away it was finally over. I was devastated, but at the same time, I was relieved he wasn't suffering any longer. I am relieved I'm not in the gut wrenching angst of "what's going to happen next, what tragedy, will strike this time," all that stuff. I still miss him, but it's in a more peaceful way now.
Give yourself some time to grieve. It's a necessary part of healing and it's okay, to cry, feel the loss and go through the mourning. You are wandering through the sadness, but you are not lost. In the proper time, for you and you only, you will find your way again.
"She decided to start living the life she'd imagined"~Kobi Yamada

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Old 02-22-2010, 01:36 PM
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Sending hugs and keeping you in my prayers, Teke.

It takes time, but healing will begin.

Hugs
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Old 02-22-2010, 02:53 PM
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i'm praying that god will help me get past the constant pain of him being gone.
Give yourself time to grieve honey. There's no right or wrong way to do get through this.


Coping with Grief and Loss: Support for Grieving and Bereavement


How are the kids doing?
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Old 02-22-2010, 03:18 PM
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Originally Posted by teke View Post
i dreamed of him having a good life even if it had to be without us. i think maybe i'm being a little selfish, he's gone now but i really wish he could come back.

i don't know how to go on with my life, never thought i'd have to go on like this. for nearly 24yrs, he and the life we had, was all i knew. i just don't know what to do with myself now.

i'm praying that god will help me get past the constant pain of him being gone.
Hi Teke,
I truly understand this, my sister passed away 3 months ago. I have said these things too.
I kept thinking "All I want is for her to come back so we can start again", so she can have a great life.
I do realize though that is my dream for her. The pain is so heartbreaking, I know Teke. Thoughts/memories pop into your head on a daily basis and I am frustrated that I have no answers to my thoughts. I too feel alone, what to do with myself. So busy working, etc etc but still a big fat hole in my heart.

I'll give you a big hug and tell you that "its going to be ok" Jo
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Old 02-22-2010, 03:56 PM
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oh teke, you are in my thoughts more than you know. grieving and mourning are two separate processes and each on is unique to each individual. i understand the pain and a level after only 3 years, no kids with my fiance'. We always have a sliver of hope...when that hope has to expire, it's hard work. I think that your AH is whole, at peace, and blissful. I too believe very strongly that my fiance' is in spirit form and with me in so many ways. You will feel this too maybe and it's very comforting. I wish I could be with you so you could have a shoulder to cry on and vent. I'm sorry.
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Old 02-22-2010, 04:30 PM
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thanks,

insulated, meonlyme, justjo, and all those who have lost loved ones here. i'm sorry for your loss too.

kitty, the kids are as good as to be expected. our only daughter together is kind of having a hard time and so is my oldest son of another marriage, he was 4 when we first met and became his best friend until his addiction progressed as far as it did, together we all are trying to comfort each other.

chino, insulated, the spirit belief does kind of give me comfort. its good to know i'm not the only one who may feel this way.
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