I feel lost right now!
 

hey you guys, thank you all. other than the kids, my mom,l you guys are all i have, literally.

just a little update and kind of a rant. the kids, me and my mom made it there today but was way too late and i couldn't see him at all. jborrowred money to get a rental, drove 5hrs one way only to find out someone from the prison gave us the wrong info and that we didn't have to come at all. appologies excepted.

i know nobody is to blame and so far, the only guilt i might feel, though i know its not my fault, is the fact that i didn't know he was sick, but how could i, he didn't know. he had a inoperable brain tumor. somebody at the prison noticed he didn't look right, thought he was acting mental then rushed him to er.

i was told that some of his weired, unconcerned,uncaring attitude and behavior are also symptoms of that kind of tumor now add the drug use. i also googled this tyoe of tumor and i could not believe the symtoms that were described. knowing this helps me to forgive even more than before.

as the hours go by, the reality of all of this is beginning to sink in. his enabling family now wants to step away and let me "deal with my own husband", all these yrs its been "MY SON" now all of a sudden it 'MY HUSBAND", they say they are not doing anything to help. no ins.and no money, i can't bury my husband, i can't bury my kids father.

i'm beginning to realize that i may have already seen him for the last time months ago.the kids overheard somehow, the prison warden say that they could discard "it", the kids looked at me and said "mamma please don't let them throw my daddy away", my heart broke. how in the world am i suppose to tell my kids that i have no choice?

you guys have to know i really appreciate all your kind words and prayers. i know that god will see us through this. i know we are gonna be ok eventually. even though i feel so all alone right now and don't knnoe whaar to do, i know that you guys are here for me and wiith me. some of you who were here when i first came and others, may remember, i came here in a very very dard place, so broken and beaten. you guys have walked with me through sp so much, "THANK YOU" is not strong enough words that could says whats in my heart right now.

i kind of posted some of this elsewhere and i'm sorrry but i need any tyoe my thoughts, my heart feels like its gonna explode if i don't talk to someone. i'm suppose to be the strong one, for my kids sake but now that they are asleep, 'its a lonley night in georgia"

forgive me for the long post and i can't promise there won't be another one before this is over, i just know you guys understand and if there ever was a place i could do this, its here. when i say "I love you guys",or "i'm praying", the good lord knows i honestly mean it from the bottom of my heart,

now, if you read this far and even if you couldn't, THANK YOU,

I am thinking of you and your kids right now. I don't have the words to make the pain go away, but know there are lots of people out there thinking of you.

Don't have any answers for you but have said a prayer for you an your family..

you just keep writing those long posts. it is therapuetic i truly believe that. if you think about all the tough times you have had, when you're in the middle of them, it's hard to see your way out and sometimes you don't know which way is out and you don't even feel like you can ever get out. this is where we're at when we're in despair. you will be on the other side of this one day, and then you'll look back and see things for what they were. right now you are in the midst of grief and feel some loss of hope. IT WILL PASS.

you can be strong sometimes, teke, and you can break down sometimes. it is ok for your kids to see your weak side too, it will illustrate that you did love this man, their dad.

i am so so sorry for what his family is dumping on you. it's not right.

prayers are with you round the clock

Teke. I'm just at a loss for words. We are here for you. Keep posting. Sometimes it just helps to get it down on paper.

I am sorry you are going through this. Prayers are winging their way to you.

On a practical note, contact some funeral homes about cremation. With the 255 from Social Security (death benefit for funeral) they may let you pay off the small portion left for the cremation.

Then when you have the money you can take whatever 'urn' his ashes are in and have them buried.

It is a practical solution to the problem. Both my parents chose cremation and then to have their ashes spread out over the ocean (that has not been done yet) in a certain place, so they sit in their urns in the family home in florida for now.

Again, my prayers are with you.

Love and hugs,

Teke, my sister was cremated inexpensively as well, and some of us were able to have a ceremony that helped us get some closure. We're saving our pennies for something better some day, but in the meantime it really helped. Can you follow Laurie's advice and call around a little? Places that do cremation (like the cremation society of georgia or the national cremation society) may know about resources that we don't. (((hugs))) to get you through this tough time.

teke,

i just spoke with a gentleman at the atlanta cremation society. asked if he was aware of anything for someone in your situation.

he suggested you contact the DCFS in your county
(department of children and family services)

he thought that if there was anything available to help you with costs for your husband, they would be it.


christine

((teke))

my eyes are filled with tears as I read your post - you so beautiful expressed your thoughts and pain - my friend you know that is part of the process and I for one am so grateful that you are sharing it with us.

It helps me to know that I can share my pain with everyone here too.

It helps me to know it's ok to NOT know and still come here for comfort.

You have a beautiful heart and I hate so much that it is hurting and that the children are hurting too - I pray that your HP will intervene and there will be a way for you and them to have a type of service for their father.

Also, my friend, please try to take care of you during this time too - remember you need your basic care also - your rest, try to eat at least something and know prayers are being said for you constantly.

Love ya,
Rita

((((teke))))

You just post away, as much as you want, as long as you want. Sometimes in this virtual forum, I wish our arms would reach through the screen to hug you, to hold you and give comfort. So the very least we can do is listen.

Collectively, we are all holding you and the kids in our hearts and our prayers. And as you sit here reading this, even though we aren't physically there, you will feel our presence. We are right there with you. So even though you may not have a whole lot of family there by your side, you have the biggest family anyone could ever have...right here.

As always, take it one step at a time, do the things you can do, and hand the rest over to your HP. Every one is drawing off of you and your strength, but the only ones you have to be strong for is yourself and your kids. Nothing else is important, just you guys.

HP has you in his hands right now, even though I know it may not feel that way, but he does and things will be all right, they will work out. You are not alone.

We love you teke. Hug those kids for us, and always remember, we are standing right there beside you in spirit.

B

Ditto the above.

Sending love and encouragement in your time of grief, Teke.

CLMI

Sending you hugs and prayers. This too shall pass.

We love you!

Teggie

You are Loved and remain in the arms of God, Teke. I am praying for your peace. (((Hugs)))

Oh Teke,

I am just so sorry for your loss.

I'm praying for you and your children today. I hope happier memories of your AH sustain you today and in the days to come.

I know the pain and shock must be overwhelming at times. Time will heal these wounds. In the meantime, hold fast to your faith and know that we're holding you in our thoughts and prayers.

:candle6D:

I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through right now.

Teke-
I have no words. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

****{Teke}}}

So much has already been said, just adding my thoughts as well. Please call if you need anything and keep posting.

Praying for things to work out where you can have a service or cremation so you and your children can honor the good memories and have a sense of closure. Praying for strength for you to get through this terrible time. I know words just aren't enough, but the Lord will be with you through it all.

Keeping you in my prayers, Teke.

Talk to your church, perhaps they will hold a small memorial service that may help you and your children find closure.

Hugs

Teke, I'm so sorry. I'm saying prayers for you and your family.

Teke -

you post and write all that you want. We are here for you through thick and thin. I am so sorry that your kids had to hear that at the prison. I hope that the suggestion from CoffeeDrinker will help you. On top of your grief and dealing with your kids you have to worry about that too.

My thoughts and prayers remain with you. Hang in there my friend....lots of love....

(((Teke))) There have been some good suggestions that I hope you will be able to consider. You have been such an inspiration and such a loving member here and you are truly loved by so many. You aren't alone...I promise. We're here for you and your God is walking with you.
Continuing to send prayers for you and your family.

thinking of you

I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through.. My thoughts and prayers are with you..

Know matter what happens in the coming days I hope you and your family will find peace in knowing that your AH is all better now, he is truly in Gods hands and he is no longer a slave to his addiction.

Sometimes funeral homes will set up a payment plan for you in situations where there is no insurance.

I hurt for you and your kids and I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.... lots of prayers for you tonight and in the coming days..

I come here having two difficult days in a row that have culminated in tears and I am reminded by your post that life is about the here and now. We can only do our best and let God handle the rest.

I hope your husband's family is only showing signs of their grief with their behavior. Maybe their hurt has caused them to want to detach now and think of him more as someone else's husband who died in prison rather than their own son. Maybe seeing it come from a place of pain will help you to cope with it as well.

There have been some heartfelt suggestions here and I know you will find a thoughtful way to honor his passing for you and your children.

Please keep posting. We care and want to hear from you and know that you are working through this.

Much love,
Alice

a little update:
 

hey you guys,

first, forgive the typo, i can't find my glasses and i'm not the best typist, sooo!!! i can tell that you guys are really praying for us and that god is listening, so i want to share my day so far.

don't know how his family really feel but i do believe they are grieving. his mom is now reportedly hallucinating, seeing and asking for their other deceased long gone family members, so please pray for her too.. i also believe that his mom meant whar she said(another story) but his 2 brothers say they have been searching for options but yet to find anything. i believe they may want to help but maybe really can't, one is sick already and both are unemployed right now. they've call furnaral homes in the area to no avail, nobody is willing to do a plan. i suggested that while i was gone yesterday that they spend time checking around looking for a place who might do a plan, providing him with one that i thought may help. well he talked to them and they couldn't do nothing for him.

i got to thinking, my family know this fh, my mom grew up with these people, one my family has always used. so, me, my mom, and my brother, said a prayer and when to just truthfully lay our cards on the table, so to speak, telling him up front just where i am. i let him know i had no money, no ins and didn't know what to do but i knew he did.

i left with him telling me about cremation, how he had contact where my ah is, if i wanted him to handle a memorial for him, he would have his urn sent here, make sure we have a decent memorial with as many trimmings as possible, all i had to do was find out just where the body was, release him to them and go home, take care of me and the kids, he promixed to take care of everything FREE OF CHARGE FOR US, because he knows my family and care. he said he was gonna make sure me and my kids have some closure, what a load release!! thank you lord!

wait, it gets just a little better. my ah is a vet but i didn't understand anything about that other than he gets a flag. i called them anyway to find out that ah had an honorable discharge and he gets to have a military memorial, honor gtuard and all, no cost to me.

now, i'm thinking, with this info, i don't know what kind of rabbit our fh friend can pull out of his hat now, imo, he has already pulled out that one unexpected rabbit, so back to him i go. i figure, who knows what i come out with this time, even if there is nothing more, i'm still so very grateful. i'll know in the am.

the sun seems to shine a tad bit brighter, thanks to you all, i'll keep you posted and please keep praying, god is really listening to you on my behalf. right now, i do feel the love, am embracing every hug and still praying for all of you and your loved ones.

just to note; every thing we think and worry about don't always work out the way we think either so too much worring can be useless. just because sometimes we can see a way out, don't mean god don't have a plaa of his own. he knows how to get whatever needs to be done, done. there is a ram in the bush.

I'm so thankful that things are starting to work themselves out for you and your family..

Stay strong, you've got this

Teke - glad to hear that things are starting to come through. I'm chiming in here late, but I agree with the others post away. You'll go through a myriad of emotions coming up I'm sure. Gentle hugs to you and your kid's.

Thanks Teke for posting. Your experiences and handling of life has been an inspirational testimony to our HP working in our behalf. Reminds me to pray to my HP and let him take control of my life because he really does have a plan. Thanks again and I am thinking of you and your family at this difficult time.