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I feel lost right now!

Old 02-09-2010, 02:08 AM
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I feel lost right now!

hey you guys, thank you all. other than the kids, my mom,l you guys are all i have, literally.

just a little update and kind of a rant. the kids, me and my mom made it there today but was way too late and i couldn't see him at all. jborrowred money to get a rental, drove 5hrs one way only to find out someone from the prison gave us the wrong info and that we didn't have to come at all. appologies excepted.

i know nobody is to blame and so far, the only guilt i might feel, though i know its not my fault, is the fact that i didn't know he was sick, but how could i, he didn't know. he had a inoperable brain tumor. somebody at the prison noticed he didn't look right, thought he was acting mental then rushed him to er.

i was told that some of his weired, unconcerned,uncaring attitude and behavior are also symptoms of that kind of tumor now add the drug use. i also googled this tyoe of tumor and i could not believe the symtoms that were described. knowing this helps me to forgive even more than before.

as the hours go by, the reality of all of this is beginning to sink in. his enabling family now wants to step away and let me "deal with my own husband", all these yrs its been "MY SON" now all of a sudden it 'MY HUSBAND", they say they are not doing anything to help. no ins.and no money, i can't bury my husband, i can't bury my kids father.

i'm beginning to realize that i may have already seen him for the last time months ago.the kids overheard somehow, the prison warden say that they could discard "it", the kids looked at me and said "mamma please don't let them throw my daddy away", my heart broke. how in the world am i suppose to tell my kids that i have no choice?

you guys have to know i really appreciate all your kind words and prayers. i know that god will see us through this. i know we are gonna be ok eventually. even though i feel so all alone right now and don't knnoe whaar to do, i know that you guys are here for me and wiith me. some of you who were here when i first came and others, may remember, i came here in a very very dard place, so broken and beaten. you guys have walked with me through sp so much, "THANK YOU" is not strong enough words that could says whats in my heart right now.

i kind of posted some of this elsewhere and i'm sorrry but i need any tyoe my thoughts, my heart feels like its gonna explode if i don't talk to someone. i'm suppose to be the strong one, for my kids sake but now that they are asleep, 'its a lonley night in georgia"

forgive me for the long post and i can't promise there won't be another one before this is over, i just know you guys understand and if there ever was a place i could do this, its here. when i say "I love you guys",or "i'm praying", the good lord knows i honestly mean it from the bottom of my heart,

now, if you read this far and even if you couldn't, THANK YOU,
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Old 02-09-2010, 04:41 AM
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I am thinking of you and your kids right now. I don't have the words to make the pain go away, but know there are lots of people out there thinking of you.
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Old 02-09-2010, 05:05 AM
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Don't have any answers for you but have said a prayer for you an your family..
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Old 02-09-2010, 05:33 AM
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you just keep writing those long posts. it is therapuetic i truly believe that. if you think about all the tough times you have had, when you're in the middle of them, it's hard to see your way out and sometimes you don't know which way is out and you don't even feel like you can ever get out. this is where we're at when we're in despair. you will be on the other side of this one day, and then you'll look back and see things for what they were. right now you are in the midst of grief and feel some loss of hope. IT WILL PASS.

you can be strong sometimes, teke, and you can break down sometimes. it is ok for your kids to see your weak side too, it will illustrate that you did love this man, their dad.

i am so so sorry for what his family is dumping on you. it's not right.

prayers are with you round the clock
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Old 02-09-2010, 05:50 AM
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Teke. I'm just at a loss for words. We are here for you. Keep posting. Sometimes it just helps to get it down on paper.
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Old 02-09-2010, 07:11 AM
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I am sorry you are going through this. Prayers are winging their way to you.

On a practical note, contact some funeral homes about cremation. With the 255 from Social Security (death benefit for funeral) they may let you pay off the small portion left for the cremation.

Then when you have the money you can take whatever 'urn' his ashes are in and have them buried.

It is a practical solution to the problem. Both my parents chose cremation and then to have their ashes spread out over the ocean (that has not been done yet) in a certain place, so they sit in their urns in the family home in florida for now.

Again, my prayers are with you.

Love and hugs,
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Old 02-09-2010, 07:23 AM
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Teke, my sister was cremated inexpensively as well, and some of us were able to have a ceremony that helped us get some closure. We're saving our pennies for something better some day, but in the meantime it really helped. Can you follow Laurie's advice and call around a little? Places that do cremation (like the cremation society of georgia or the national cremation society) may know about resources that we don't. (((hugs))) to get you through this tough time.
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Old 02-09-2010, 07:28 AM
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teke,

i just spoke with a gentleman at the atlanta cremation society. asked if he was aware of anything for someone in your situation.

he suggested you contact the DCFS in your county
(department of children and family services)

he thought that if there was anything available to help you with costs for your husband, they would be it.


christine
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Old 02-09-2010, 07:37 AM
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((teke))

my eyes are filled with tears as I read your post - you so beautiful expressed your thoughts and pain - my friend you know that is part of the process and I for one am so grateful that you are sharing it with us.

It helps me to know that I can share my pain with everyone here too.

It helps me to know it's ok to NOT know and still come here for comfort.

You have a beautiful heart and I hate so much that it is hurting and that the children are hurting too - I pray that your HP will intervene and there will be a way for you and them to have a type of service for their father.

Also, my friend, please try to take care of you during this time too - remember you need your basic care also - your rest, try to eat at least something and know prayers are being said for you constantly.

Love ya,
Rita
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Old 02-09-2010, 07:43 AM
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((((teke))))

You just post away, as much as you want, as long as you want. Sometimes in this virtual forum, I wish our arms would reach through the screen to hug you, to hold you and give comfort. So the very least we can do is listen.

Collectively, we are all holding you and the kids in our hearts and our prayers. And as you sit here reading this, even though we aren't physically there, you will feel our presence. We are right there with you. So even though you may not have a whole lot of family there by your side, you have the biggest family anyone could ever have...right here.

As always, take it one step at a time, do the things you can do, and hand the rest over to your HP. Every one is drawing off of you and your strength, but the only ones you have to be strong for is yourself and your kids. Nothing else is important, just you guys.

HP has you in his hands right now, even though I know it may not feel that way, but he does and things will be all right, they will work out. You are not alone.

We love you teke. Hug those kids for us, and always remember, we are standing right there beside you in spirit.

B
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Old 02-09-2010, 08:14 AM
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Originally Posted by frankly View Post
((((teke))))

You just post away, as much as you want, as long as you want. Sometimes in this virtual forum, I wish our arms would reach through the screen to hug you, to hold you and give comfort. So the very least we can do is listen.

Collectively, we are all holding you and the kids in our hearts and our prayers. And as you sit here reading this, even though we aren't physically there, you will feel our presence. We are right there with you.
Ditto the above.

Sending love and encouragement in your time of grief, Teke.

CLMI
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Old 02-09-2010, 08:35 AM
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Sending you hugs and prayers. This too shall pass.

We love you!

Teggie
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Old 02-09-2010, 09:22 AM
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You are Loved and remain in the arms of God, Teke. I am praying for your peace. (((Hugs)))
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Old 02-09-2010, 09:47 AM
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Oh Teke,

I am just so sorry for your loss.

I'm praying for you and your children today. I hope happier memories of your AH sustain you today and in the days to come.

I know the pain and shock must be overwhelming at times. Time will heal these wounds. In the meantime, hold fast to your faith and know that we're holding you in our thoughts and prayers.

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Old 02-09-2010, 10:01 AM
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I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through right now.
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Old 02-09-2010, 10:24 AM
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Teke-
I have no words. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 02-09-2010, 10:35 AM
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****{Teke}}}

So much has already been said, just adding my thoughts as well. Please call if you need anything and keep posting.
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Old 02-09-2010, 12:10 PM
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Praying for things to work out where you can have a service or cremation so you and your children can honor the good memories and have a sense of closure. Praying for strength for you to get through this terrible time. I know words just aren't enough, but the Lord will be with you through it all.
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Old 02-09-2010, 12:42 PM
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Keeping you in my prayers, Teke.

Talk to your church, perhaps they will hold a small memorial service that may help you and your children find closure.

Hugs
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Old 02-09-2010, 04:26 PM
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Teke, I'm so sorry. I'm saying prayers for you and your family.
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