((Callie)) - I truly hope you DO go no contact.

Please, don't ever do that again. You say you think you could have "taken him" if you hadn't been in the recliner..he only weighs 155#. Let me tell ya, he's on drugs, ((Callie)), he's got the adrenaline of desperation in him...trust me, he can do you SEVERE harm or death.

I know I've told you, and I'm sure others have too...don't ever say "he'd never do...." but you had to find out yourself. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, most of us did. Now you know, and you're lucky it wasn't worse.

You can talk about what a beautiful man he was, how kind and gentle he was, etc., but hon, he hasn't been that man in years.

As you've said...you ask him to leave you alone, yet you keep going over there to talk to him, today you withhold a bottle of pills from him, knowing he's high and has every intention of staying that way. You said you were worried about him.

He's high, he wants to stay high. You have two children who need a parent who is focused on THEM, not the addict parent. If you think they do not pick up on your moods and your worry, I think you're wrong, but that's just my opinion. Maybe I was just a very intuitive child.

I hope you're done talking....take him the papers, say "sign here" and leave. He sounds as if he's in no shape to argue or discuss anything, anyway.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

I feel as though I am helping him die or end up in prison.

A common codie feeling. Let it pass. it is simply not true. You're just not that powerful. If he ends up in jail or the grave it is his destiny. All your "help" that you defend and describe over and over for many long years didn't have the power to make him stop. So the reverse is also true!

I just PRAY that he falls to the ground and not in his grave.

The force that drives most of my worst codie behavior is FEAR. When I finally got to the bottom of my fear, my very real & sometimes obsessive fear, that one of my A brothers could die, today, or kill another innocent person in an accident - and there was nothing I could do about it - when I started working hard (with the help of AlAnon - don't go it alone I say!), working very hard, to accept the unacceptable, my life became more serene and I was able to change many of my worst codie habits of mind.

Not easy, but for me it was necessary to accept that I just am not that powerful.

Step One!

peace & a shot of courage as you navigate this rocky passage to calmer seas for your children and for you.
b

sorry this has happened, and i do understand your pain and concern but you did ask him to leave you alone and you've decided to divorce him, still you go to him for whatever reason and decide you are gonna stop him from doing what he chooses to do with his life. kind of sound like a part of you still wants to be in control of what he does.

btw, i believe in the demon theory too. i was once that person who sought spiritual help and yes, i believe it worked for me. i've also seen that look in my ah's eyes twice and trust me, i honestly don't think it was him in control. i also think you put yourself in a very dangerous situation by trying to take his drugs. doing that is like a life of death deal for an active addict. "do what you gotta do but don't mess with the dope", kind of thing.

i know its hard and i know it hurts but you made a decision to let go, now its time to do it. its hard to let go and hang on at the same time.

you and him are in my prayers.

I echo what Teke said above me. I have seen people possessed by drugs and they may look frail and resemble a person you love, but they have the force of evil in them and would kill you for drugs (especially if you took THEIR drugs). They might not do that if they were clean and sober - but people who are high are crazed. When I was fighting my drug demon I seriously thought I was losing my mind - I would hear voices telling me to get high. I was not in control of myself. When I was high I may have looked like me, but inside I was in complete turmoil and not sane at all. I also asked for spiritual help, and this morning I realized I've been clean for over 4 years now. So it can be done. But getting clean has nothing to do with loved ones - it has everything to do with hitting the "proverbial bottom" and getting better on your own.

And the bottom can shift. If I chose, I could "pick up", get high, and then where I thought was my bottom wouldn't be my bottom anymore... it would be lower.

Another thought - when I was going through my divorce, I had to step back and give my now-ex space. I realized it was only hurting him more everytime I tried to comfort him or help him feel better or be his friend. He needed his space so he could recover in whatever way he chose. I had to accept that I was not in control of his life and his choices. I never had been. My role, much as I disliked it and it hurt, was as the ex now. It was not to be his friend. It was the hardest thing I had to do. But it was best for him that I just leave him alone and let him do his own thing.

So hang in there Callie. And take care of your children. They need your support during this time. Your husband is exactly where he needs to be right now. Even if its ugly.

((((CALLIE)))) Try to remember that this has nothing to do with you.

"We have driven ourselves crazy trying to control the behaviors of our addicts, certain that "doing it our way" was not only reasonable, but right. Our past sometimes may appear to be a series of failures. But our present experience can be peaceful, hopeful and successful. It's our decision to let go. A small decision that we can make many times today, every day...Peace will be my reward" Hazeldon

He let you go without a fight. The marriage and family and children go without a fight. The xanax provoked a fight. I'm so sorry that you're coming to the realization of where you stand in comparison to xanax. I've had many many many TOO many experiences with xanax. Being a passenger in my own car with him driving and nodding out on a bridge. Nodding out into a plate of food in restaurants. It is a horrible drug and for your STBXAH, now he has a valid/justified (in his mind anyway) to use it. You are a very strong woman and a year from now, you will be in the position to seriously help another woman in similiar circumstance. You are in my prayers.

For me, God is either everything, or he is nothing.

Maybe it's different for you.

There are no medals for martyrs.

You're blessed to have gotten out of there in one piece.

Thank you. He is out on the streets again and possibly behind a wheel right now. His druggie friend was over earlier with a car. Neither have a license and he is MIA. I'm doing my best to stay calm and stay out of this. My phone has been ringing off the hook from his family members wondering what to do.

I am stepping aside. I am helpless to stop this. He is in God's Hands right now.

Callie, he has ALWAYS been in God's hands. Just as you and the children have always been. He just did not all of of sudden start taking on this job of looking after you guys. I know it's hard to keep out of it all. But worry won't help or fix anything, just make you physically and emotionally crazy. Prayers for you and your family.

My phone has been ringing off the hook from his family members wondering what to do.
His family knows he has a problem yet are ringing your phone off the hook? Looks like maybe a gossip circle is going to start. YOU go take a bubble bath and turn off your phone. DO YOU! Of course you are worried, his family is worried. The worry is going to consume you and make you sick, spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, womanly, etc. You have come this far in staking your boundaries, the storm is beginning to thunder and when the storm dies out you are going to be a stronger, wiser, healthier woman. Step out of the crossfire and keep doing what you're doing.

callie i agree with insulated, turn off the phone or use your caller id if you have one. when i decided i was done, i found it a lot easier for me to not know anything at all about when/if my ah went awol, using or whatever else he decided to do with his life. knowing did keep me worried and it kept me stuck. i had to set boundaries with my inlaws, i don't mind converting with them as long as we don't have to talk about ah and whatever is going on with him, at least til i'm in a better place mentally and emotionally.

Turn off the phone. (I did :-)). At least you can enjoy a little serenity this weekend. All of his issues, his psychotic family, all the problems will still be there Monday should you decide to do

But at least you can enjoy a little "SERENITY NOW" as Anvil put it in my post. Let it be for now. It reminds me of a saying from early in my recovery:

If you don't like the serenity today, you can always trade it back in for your problems tomorrow.

Y'know, those dang Science Projects with the kids take up so much time and effort a person can't even answer the phone!!! And the kids will never, ever, again have the chance to do that Science Project in that grade, I mean, I will never regret letting that SCIENCE PROJECT take me away from all the repetitive drama that is out there in the world.

Bubble baths, trips to the Library, quiet hours spent with young minds figuring stuff out and yet still so full of innocence, a clean house that stays clean? Girl, you are FREE in each moment!

peace-
b

His family knows he has a problem yet are ringing your phone off the hook? Looks like maybe a gossip circle is going to start.

Oh, you have NO idea. I usually do NOT answer the phone when his aunts or even MIL call. They do love him, but just want the low down. I have always distanced myself from them in that respect. His family gives a phone company a run for their $ when some piece of gossip just NEEDS to be spread. I started out my day just fine and a single phone call started a flurry. 3.5 hours later I was still dealing with it. Everything from what do we need need to do to help, what should we do, he called xyz and needs $1200, he tried to borrow $150 from so and so, so and so just drove by MIL's house, there's a pontiac grand am there, whose is it? Blah, blah, blah.

By the time I got the kids off the bus I was exhausted. I ended up doing not much of anything except laying in bed and catching up on desperate housewive's that have been tivo'd!

Then right before bed AH txts me and wonders why everyone is freaking out? His phone has been ringing off the hook from SIL, MIL, Aunts, Uncles etc. What is their problem he says? Uh - YOU are. You're taking too much methadone and getting hopped up on Xanax. YOU called your aunt acting 'fearful and needed $1200 because someone was coming to collect'.

No I don't believe anything that he says for the most part. MIL is staying with SIL because both of them do not believe that MIL is strong enough to tell him no. Both of them know that he will have her broke and take her car. But yes, he does have free reign in the house. It's been that way for a month.

AH is going to end up getting his butt thrown in jail. He's doing NOT GOOD things. He thinks he's invincible. He is very cunning AND very connected. Everyone has warned him when he throws XANAX in this mix he loses his mind, becomes a careless, sloppy dopehead. I don't want him to be in jail @ all, but the rate he's going it's likely and possibly the only thing that will dry him out.

Today my dd has FINALLY decided that she wants her ears pierced. She's 9. About 3 years ago she asked if it hurt. I wasn't going to lie so I said yes, a little. Explained that it was like a shot or like if I pinched her hard. It would hurt for a few seconds and then sting a little after. Well, after I told her that there was ABSOLUTELY no talking her into getting it done. ;) Finally about 3 days ago she came up to me teary eyed and said 'mom, can I talk to you' I said sure. 'I'm finally ready to get my ears pierced' (through the tears). I said you don't have to until you're ready - I'm ready she said. Soooo kids and I, mom and dad, My sister, BIL and 2 nephews and DD's BFF are ALL going with her (her choice - I think it's a bit dramatic ;) but hey she's thought long and hard about it) to get her ears pierced. I pray that I don't have to hog tie her through it when we actually get to the store! J/K.

Judy - what a beautiful post. You've pegged exactly everything that's going on. Everything. I don't know what I would have done without being able to talk to you through this. Pm'ing you.

Have a great day everyone.

BTW - just re-read my post about the phone calls that came in? It obviously SCREAMS no contact. I see that and will abide by that.

so glad you are going to do such a normal, american thing - getting the girl's ears pierced. when my daughter decided, at age 11 or 12, we made it an outing as well. i have a picture of on one side, her clutching my hand, and her best friends surrounding her. your girl sounds sooo cute.

i shared the pill bottle story with abf. he kinda went "oohhh" in a low foreboding voice and said, "yeah, you do not wanna get in the way of an addict's pills." just his tone kinda sent chills. then i said he takes xanax and once again i got the low, doom-y sounding, head-shaking "ohhh". it sounds very scary.

when abf was using last year and i figured it out (was out of town for four months) i got more peace from not having contact than trying to communicate with someone who seemed so out of touch with reality. i remember when he tried calling me and i just walked away from the ringing phone. i felt sad, but i felt a sense of power. that little action was really something for me.

There is a rainbow in your day after all and your lives are moving in a forward direction without interference of an addict.

She did it! She was surrounded by family and friends. Her cousin held her hand and there were camera's everywhere. It was hilarious. We overtook the entire Claires store! lol This was a HUGE feat for her because I've tried to talk her into piercing her ears for 4 years!

AH called this am wanting to go. I told him about it last week (pre-xanax) and he was going to go. Then last night/today acted like he didn't know about it. Then wanted to go and I said you've been in no shape to go. He didn't call beyond that. I get a txt after I'd sent a pic to family of her getting it done saying why didn't you pick me up blah, blah, blah. I tried calling him and again he wouldn't take my call. Whatever.

DD had a great day, basketball was a success for her cousin. We went out to eat after and dd and ds wanted their cousin and dd's bff to spend the night. Sooo for a second weekend in a row I've got a housefull of kids. It's all good though - we had a great day. AH will one day regret this. It's his loss, but I have an awesome support system and our kids will grow up around GOOD people.

Found out that AH TOOK the check from the insurance company. For the car that HE totaled. The car that I paid for, the car that I paid insurance on. The car that he snuck into his name instead of mine. (that was the stipulation - MY name so I could legally pull the keys if he was unfit to drive.) Took the check and it's was gone in a matter of days. It was about $4000 - the car was paid for by ME no lein. I was pi$$ed OFF!! I can't believe the SOB would stoop that low. I've been paying for his a$$ for months and he does this? Whatever. It's his loss. It was alot of $ and it's GONE. Guess he'd better get that Huffy 18 speed tuned up because he won't have four motor powered wheels for a LONG time. Probably never if he continues on the path he's on. That will come out of HIS part of the settlement.