callie, i'm so sorry for your pain hope you feel better soon.

i pray that your ah finds his way down the road to sobriety real soon. try to remember that nothing is over until its over. who knows, if you choose, there still can be a future in the yrs to come. i actually know divorced couples who after yrs, reunited.

not saying this for you to hang on to that hope, wait for that hope or expect that hope, only that anything is possible. hopefully at least one day you two can become the best of friends if nothing more. i would give anything to have the choice to divorce now rather than have my husband gone out of our lives forever. you do have kids so he'll probably be apart of your lives regardless in some way. you know i'm praying that it all works out the way its meant to be,

(((((( Callie )))))) I hate that you are hurting.

Sorry. I have been through it. Surgery with a hacksaw. Like you said, financially you will be more secure (creditwise). You will have peace and serenity down the road. I am good 2 1/2 yrs. post divorce. I didn't want to do it either but my X's disease was progressing so bad and financial risks and risks of being busted (he grew pot in the house). You did what you had to do. You did what was healthy for you. Responsible. But it is still hard and terribly sad.

Callie, you and yours remain in my thoughts and prayers, including your husband.

understand
 

I know exactly where you are right now. My AH was on Methadone and Xanax also. He was like a diffrent person. I would search the house and cars until I found his pills and then I would flush them. For a long time he would never have the nerve to confront me about the pills being gone. After awhile he got much worse and just became a very short tempered. That was so unlike the sober him. When I was pregnant with our last daughter who is now 1 he became violent. He never hit me but that doesn't make it any better. One night he put his hand through the kitchen window and came aftter me because I wouldn't allow him to stay in my home any longer. He even blamed me because his hand wouldn't stop bleeding and got mad because I wouldn't take him to the ER. Not long after that he showed up and dropped his bottle of pills on the floor. I picked them up and all hell broke loose. I was 9 months preg at that time. He ripped them out of my hand and pushed me out of the way and left. My point here is that no matter how much you fight argue or throw their stuff away it doesn't make a diffrence. They are not them selves and the addiction has total control of them. It's not because he doesn't love you or care about you. The need for the drugs takes over. My AH stopped using after that night. He was clean for over a year. He relapsed a little over 3 months ago and died of an overdose of Methadone and Xanax. I am very angry with him, but I also know that there is nothing I could have done to change things. All I can do now is try to heal from all of this and go on with my life and raise our children the best I can. I pray that your AH doesn't end up like mine, but if he does just remember there is nothing you could have done to change it and theres nothing you can do now. He has to do the changing all on his own. Hope I haven't been to harsh.

Oh Callie, what an outcome huh? I am so sorry. I know losing him is a huge loss for you. You did all you could possibly do. :(

XYZ: Well good...hey, I saw your name in the paper (last saturday divorce proceedings)
Callie: Yeah
XYZ: Hey, I just wanted to know if I could take you out sometime.


Can you say stalker?

Awww honey. Your healing begins now - based in the reality of the situation, self love and protecting your children.

It's much easier for me to love my ex from afar because I'm not caught up in his addiction or being destroyed by his bad choices.

He is free to do what he wants now. You have given him a great gift and an opportunity.

(((Callie))) My heart hurts for you. What a painful lesson for all of you. You are doing the right thing for your children and are to be admired for being so brave. I pray that you find serenity soon. XOXO.

Divorce will be final on March 22 @ 1 pm. Meanwhile AH is off in lalaland. I may start another post about how to deal with the kids. AH is really pi$$ing me off today. DS is struggling with him not being here, not calling when he says, not answering his phone etc. (this is when the kids call - it's a given he does this with me during a binge) AH does this when he binges. It's fine to do it to me or whomever else, but don't mess with my kids. I don't know whether to rip AH for not being there for DS or try to eliminate contact between DS and AH for now. He still talks of getting into treatment, but I've heard this $hit for 3 months now. A few more days, a few more days etc.

Any thoughts?

Not sure how much your kids know about what's going on with their dad. Could you maybe explain to them that he's not doing well right now and needs some time to feel better? I mean, I don't know how much detail you'd want to go into, but if they knew that he was ill or something, at least they'd know that he's not avoiding them because he wants to. Does that make sense?

Callie I know this has to be so difficult for you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I sometimes don't post because I'm not sure if it will help or not but I had to give you my two cents worth ; )

When I read your post for some reason I felt pain for you and your children AND your AH. I don't have children but my ex ABF has children and I watched him be a good dad when he was clean and then the total opposite when he is using. The drugs just take over. I have seen him cry many times because he KNEW and felt in his heart what he was he doing to his children but he could not bring himself to stop because of his addiction. It tore him apart inside and he would just use more to escape the pain of what he was doing to other people and his children.

I think if I had children I would just tell them Dad is sick right now and you may be able to talk to him sometimes and sometimes you might not be able to but he still loves you. That is all you can do. Ripping AH for not being there won't solve the problem because he is too far into his addiction for it to have an impact ....just my opinion.

Take care and hang in there.

My bff said the same thing...when daddy is on drugs he may or may not be reliable/return/answer calls. It's not because he doesn't love you, it's because he's sick right now. I just sat DS down and told him this because AH DID take ds's call earlier and the idiot said he'd call him back in an hour. It's been 2 and he hasn't called. I think that I need to try to minimize contact for now and just tell them what is really going on.

They do know it's because of drugs, but @ 9 they don't yet grasp that concept. I think I just need to make sure that they KNOW he loves them and make sure they have outlets to vent.

On top of this, I have been on the phone ALL day because his family is calling, calling, calling wanting me to probate him into rehab. Guys - I'm so sick of this and so done. His BS has put me in a coma. My own personal stuff that needs done has all been cancelled, rescheduled, put on the back burner or whatever. I finally said today enough is enough. I called AH and left a msg saying that I no longer wanted contact or to speak with him UNTIL he wants to enter treatment. I've made it clear to his family as well. Papers are signed, I'm done until he wants help. IF he chooses help I'll arrange for a ride to help and a plane ticket to his dad's beyond that. Probably more codie than I should be, but a huge step. Please remember that I am still in the midst of a divorce that could be easily be revoked if someone is pi$$ed off enough.

by the time i was 12 my mother had been hospitalized 3 times. (severe depression)
the stint when i was 12 is the one i most clearly remember - it lasted for a month. she had ect (shock treatments). one time my family went to visit her/take her to grandma's for the afternoon, and in the car, well my birthday was coming up. she did not know when my birthday was, or how old i was. it must have made quite an impression since i still remember it vividly. my point, though, is this:
i do not ever remember feeling unloved, less than, or abandoned (although i was) by my mother because i was unfit, unloveable, or in any way to blame. i always KNEW, as a youngster, that my mother was gone and unable to be herself much of the time
BECAUSE SHE WAS ILL. She was ill.

i think that, even though there are wounds, you can make the distinction that their father is whatever is going on (fill in the blank) because of a situation completely separate from them, who they are, and their value.

Thank you CD - That's really all that I can do right now is make sure they know daddy loves them, but is sick. I can only reiterate and prove that I'll be here for them and won't ever leave them.

Thank you for sharing your own upbringing. Just really worried about DS and his clingyness. DD is a tough chick, but I worry about that too because she holds things in and plays tough (thanks to her mama). I don't want that for her either. I'm just new to this, but I will say that my focus needs to be taken off this punk a$$ acting junkie and put on them. I made a vow when I got married and when we tried for kids that I would never leave them and give them my best. Because of AH's antics my best isn't what it could be, but I'll be damned if I will fail them now. Thanks guys.

Callie, let the children know that this must be very difficult for them knowing how much they love their daddy. Daddy is sick, not thinking right. Most importantly let them know it's not their fault. Sometimes daddy will call and sometimes he won't be thinking right to call. Let them know that you will always be there for them, hoping and praying that daddy gets better someday.

Most of all just listen, and validate their feelings. And lots of hugs.

Huggs to you,
NH7

Hi Cal. Lately I've been trying to figure out how to validate my sons feeling about his father. He's starting to understand time so he knows that when daddy says I'll see you in a couple days and then he doesn't show up.... that he's not following thru on his promises. Right now I'm stuck on "maybe he meant a couple of weeks and we can call him if you want to." But the whole maybe he meant a couple of weeks shtick sounds so lame and so far he hasn't taken me up on the whole "call him" offer.

I'd like to get to a place where he knows that it's not ok to make promises and not follow through like his daddy does. And it's not his fault daddy does this. Daddy has "issues". Some mommies and daddies aren't always there as much as kids would like. I also want to validate however he feels about it - like his disappointment or anger. I just don't quite know the words for this yet. He usually ends up defending and covering up for his daddy so I just avoid the topic for now. (Can you say codependent in the making?!)

Anyway, if you come up with the answers let me know.

It breaks my heart.