Help
 

I am looking for anyone out there who can help me. I do believe this is my rock bottom and i have no where else to turn.....

just hang in there. Your not dead so thats a bottom you have yet to hit. Theres always another bottom, stay positive, stay sober you can get a better life.

Cassandra. What do you need to help you get from where you are at to where you want to be?

Cassandra.... talk to us. We have all been in a bad way. Reaching out is the only way to go.

I am just an emotional wreck and I am starting to feel that there is more here then just dealing with an addict. The pain has become unbearable. I feel trapped. Its not even about him anymore its about me I am losing myself and I dont know what to do. I thought for awhile that I could just manage this myself but I am sinking. My friends keep saying I am strong I will get through this but they dont understand.

And now I truly feel alone. I am slowly destroying myself

Cassandra, believe me I know how you are feeling right now..... take a deep breaths, pray and keep posting...this too shall pass I promise.

What is happening today? What happened to trigger this?

I dont even know where all of this is coming from. Its like life is just going by and I dont even care anymore. My family has all moved away so I have no family here. I am trying to finish up a semester at school, work, take care of the kids, maintain. And I am no longer maintaining. I am snapping at the kids and just feel out of control. I feel like I am losing a grip here.

I hate my life and what it has become and yet I say that with my three beautiful children here. I can no longer function at this level anymore. I have lost 55 pounds and I am still losing. However, I will say my appetite has returned. I went to one ala non meeting and thought I am cured. Now I am scared to go back.

I keep telling people that I just cant handle this anymore and they smile and pat me on the back and tell me that it will be ok. And I am screaming NO I AM NOT OK. why doesnt anyone believe me.

I dont even know who I am now. I have changed into this mean person,

Cassandra,
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I know what it feels like to feel completely lost. Is there someone you can talk to? Does it help to write in a journal? Are you seeing a counselor or psychiatrist? It may help you if you can find someone that will work with you and who you trust. It is important that you take care of yourself, because you do not need to feel like this. I have a psychiatrist because I work with the talk therapy & some medication help.
Take care.

Cassandra, We are here for you. Keep posting.

Sending you prayers & hugs,
Chris

Cassandra, Sweetie, we were not meant to handle this disease alone. When I found my way to Alanon & naranon I was very close to having a nervous breakdown. Please try meetings again, f2f hugs and encouragement will really help you.

Chris

I am finally just trying to save myself after trying to save my addict and now I am looking around at the sinking ship going oh crap how do I stop this? The boat is going down....I dont have any idea how to stop it. I didnt even want to reach out for help because I was scared. Now I have no choice and I still dont have any idea how to get out.....For the first time in my life I dont know how to save myself. I dont know how to fix it and make ME better....

It took me a long time to be able to reach out for help, after all I was the fixer of all problems, I was in control, then I realized that I could NOT continue going the way I was, I NEEDED to reach out to others. The only thing you can fix is you, take a deep breath, say the Serenity Prayer. Don't be scared, we ARE here for you.

How do I start to dig myself out. I have let so much go. Its like I dont even have the strength to do anything at all so its just easier to not do anything because I am staring at a huge mountain that seems impossible for me to climb so why not just sit here at the bottom and not climb it. Its like I no longer have the strength to save myself emotionally at this point. I have NEVER been in a situation like this before. I have always been able to read a book. Watch a tape. Talk to someone. Find the solution to a problem. Now I am the problem and I dont know what the solution is.

ok - step 1 - take yourself off the hook.

I'm not kidding.

I'd say your top priorities are to keep your job and finish out the semester.

How old are your kids?
What are you yelling at them about?
Can you farm them out to sleep at friend's houses?
If they are young let it all slide. Feed them, make sure they are dressed and get to school, and other than that let them watch tv. I'm totally serious. Years ago my soon to be ex-husband had cancer. I basically let it all go.
messy house
weird meals
tv on all the time
one child didn't learn to read until the next year -- oh well


I think you will feel better if you take pressure off yourself.

I was in therapy but felt it was doing no good. Also had some insurance issues and had to abruptly stop the sessions. Went to ala non once thought I was cured. The thing that I dont understand is that I am talking about it letting it out and it just keeps coming and coming out and I dont know why. I dont know why it wont stop. I feel kinda alright for a few days and then bang here I go again. Weekends, I have realized, are the hardest for me. Those are the times when you have enough free time to think about things. I am really starting to hate my life. Even when I was in an abusive marriage I didnt hate my life I had a job that I loved to go to. Now when I wake up I think I have to do it all over again and it sucks.

I have NEVER hated life. Well maybe as a teenager but not really ever HATED living. It has come to that point. I hate living with this person that I have become.

Keep posting, Cassandra.
Have you eaten anything today? Have you been crying? Are your children with you today?

It is exactly at moments like these.....when life takes a turn. It has been called the "sundown effect". A pattern that is going down burns its hardest and brightest just at the end.

This means that for you, the turning point is at hand. And God wants you to HOLD ON AND TRUST HIM.

This is what the saying "don't give up five minutes before the miracle" is about. Because the turning point IS AT HAND if you will hold on, trust God, and be there when it happens.

How are you tonight?

Let the tears flow.

How do you take yourself off the hook?

With my heavy class load I am already slacking with meals (usually pizza or anything in a box). I was thinking about teaching the 6 year old how to work the remote just so I wouldnt have to stop what I was doing to turn the channel for her. My oldest is being punished for getting caught at school with her cell phone.

I really let her have it for that. Told her she was grounded for 2 weeks and I wasnt getting the phone back for her. She told me she was losing friends because she cant ever do anything (I depend on her alot to help me with the two smaller ones when I study and take my exams) that made me feel like crap. I keep telling her its for the good of the family. but I am starting to wonder.

I have eaten some today. I have been crying some today. I have been feeling hopeless alot today. Like this is never ending. I just want my life back. I want to be able to live again but I dont know how. I have isolated myself so much now that I feel scared to go and do things that normally would have been fine before.

I feel really bad that I have let my kids down. I mean after all I am their mom I am suppose to be their example and what kind of example am I setting when I cant even get through the day without crying or yelling or retreating to my room.....

If your kids eat pizza or even bread and butter every meal for a week or two they will be ok.

Teach the youngest one how to use the remote. :)

Your older daughter will still have her "real friends" even if she has no cell phone.

We have all lost it.
We have all screamed at our kids and run our households in ways that we swore we would never do.

One of the ways that you take yourself off the hook is by relaxing your expectations of yourself.

Many many families (including mine) are having their lives turned upside down for one reason or another.

I too had to tell my oldest daughter that her life will never be the same because I need her help taking care of her younger sister. She was weeping. I have no choice and she needs to help out for the good of the family.

you are not alone ...

You are showing them that you are human.
Humans sometimes cry, yell and can't get out of bed.

I don't think it is a terrible idea to let them sleep at friends' houses if you need a break.

Don't discount the fact that you could be really depressed. It happens. Get help if you can asap.

Hopelessness is a keynote symptom of medical depression.

Waking up and dreading the day. Eating way too little is a symptom. Waking at 4 a.m. is a symptom. Tearfulness day and night. Withdrawing from family.

Resenting family. Unable to enjoy previously enjoyed activities. Believing life will never get better and the pain will not stop.

Wanting to die. Blaming oneself for one's misery. Feeling shame for one's misery. Believing one does not deserve to be happy.

Being unable to make simple decisions, even whether to turn left or right at a stop sign.

Medical depression is a condition which cannot be wished away, exercised away, nor Al-anoned away.

It is a physical and mental illness and requires medical treatment.

A major depressive episode lasts at minimum eight months and can last two years, untreated.

Honey, see a doctor tomorrow. Go to a clinic, describe your symptoms, and get medical help. Not narcotics. You don't need to get hooked on xanax or any benzos.

Medication for medical depression.

Sending you love love love tonight. I pray God finds a way to wrap an angel around you as you rest tonight. Please just find the strength tomorrow to pick up the phone and go see a doctor.

Thank you all so much. A few hours ago I truly felt alone. Like I was the only person and no one understood what was happening to me. I keep telling myself that I am doing the best that I can but I know that is BS. Last semester I got an A in every class now I can only manage B's. I know that sounds stupid but I set a goal when I first went back to school that I would graduate with honors.

I guess when you feel bad about something you tend to focus on what is REALLY bad and then throw your hands up in the air and say "you see life sucks".

Somewhere on the net I found this article about what you should do when you feel like you are falling apart. The first thing it said was to be grateful for things in your life...

So today I am grateful that I can come here and find all of this support and realize that while things are bad they arent that bad.

I am grateful for my kids. I am grateful I have everything I need for today. I am gonna stop thinking about tomorrow and just try to think about today.

SQ you are so right about the punishment thing. I wont back down on that because the first thing I did feel was guilt. I still have to be a mom. And I did tell her that her friends werent very good if they were gonna not be her friend for petty reasons.

My fear has subsided a little. I think I will go take a hot shower and pray do ALOT of praying.

Thanks everyone. I really needed to hear your kind words.

Let us hear from you tomorrow, Cassandra. Sweet dreams. xo

Cassandra, Bluejay is so right on target about major depressive disorder. Situations or stress can wreck havoc on the chemical balance in your brain. It happened to me years ago when i was totally overwhelmed and trying to keep everything together with young kids. I too wasn't sleeping or eating and no longer cared about anything. One day I just shut down...completely...almost like being comatose. It was my brain's way of protecting me. I didn't ask for help when I should have and so my God found a way for me to get help. It's hard to deny needing help when one shuts down and doesn't even remember a week of life.

Please don't wait for something like that to happen to you, Cassandra. Please talk to your doctor and tell him or her what is going on, both physically and how you are thinking. Hugs.

Sweetie, tomorrow (or today) you are going to do one thing for just yourself. Something that makes you feel good about yourself. It can be anything, buy yourself a piece of candy, watch the sunrise or set, take a long, hot bath, listen to a song, take a walk and smile feel the sun or wind on your skin. Delight in what you see as a small child seeing it for the first time. You will do this for yourself because you are special and worthy of treating yourself well. Then the next thing you will do is something for someone else. Something to make someone else happy. Let someone move ahead in line, let a car at a four way stop go first, pick a flower and lay it at a neighbors doorstep, give the guy begging at the corner a few dollars, drop some change into the donation box at a church, tell a mother her baby is beautiful. You do this because you are loving and kind. You love yourself and you love others. Do something good every day. You are worthy and you are important.

Later you will make an appointment with a physician. He will determine if you need a wee bit of medical help to get you through this temporary low. Believe me that it is temporary.

You will get through this. Many of us have been right where you are. It won't be permanent. And at the end of your day, hug your kids and tell them that you love them. THey love you because you deserve the love. Say a prayer at the end the day and thank God for giving you the strength to handle all that he sends you. He never sends more than you an handle. We are all stronger than we first come to belive.

Later you will post of the forum what you did and how it make you for that moment feel good. And you will begin to feel better, kind acts lifts the spritis and when happiness ensues it is contagious and it will begin to spread to all around you.

Take baby steps at first and soon you will be happy and all those around will be joyful because you are.

Good Night Cassandra, sweet dreams!

I've been where you are and was there for a long long time. Everyone said things like "you're so strong" and "god doesnt give you more than you can handle" well - enough already.

So what i did was first prayed and i'm not talking about a bend your needs and have a quiet talk with god - i'm talking about crying, screaming, begging to to HP and telling Him that i had enough that i couldnt go on like this. miracles happened, people i didnt expect then started coming to me and helping with little things. then i found free counseling on my own, i started simplifying my life - okay there's too much to handle what can i cut out of responsibilities and bills. I stopped being afraid to go and ask help when i needed it. I stopped thinking that everything had to be perfectly done - the house didnt always have to be spotless - the laundry didnt always have to be done. I let my church help buy me groceries once, i had a friend help me find a cheaper car i could afford. sometimes people will blow it off as "you're strong" becuase they arent or because they dont really want to get involved so you have to find others to help you with your walk.