Cass, when i first joined this site i picked my avatar it was Winston Churchill's quote Never, Never, Never Give up - which is one of my all time favorite quotes. At that time, it was never give up for my AS - as time went on that changed. Now its never give up on myself! so take that never give up attitude and use it for your own life and use it to make your own changes instead of making changes in someone else. if you put 1/2 the effort in yourself as you have put into your addict you will be able to pull yourself out.

I too wanted to chime in and say I know that hopeless feeling all too well. Sometimes it got so bad that it was everything that I could do to get out of bed. I really mean that. The depression can run so deep. As winnie said, people also told me "you're so strong" blah, blah, blah. Maybe so, but it wears on you after a while. I'm not sure if your addict is living with you or not, but addiction sucks the life out of everyone close that it touches. In some ways I feel that the addict 'gets off the hook', cause at least he can remain high during the storm and not face the full effects of the devastation.

No real advice, just wanted you to know you're not alone. Sometimes I think I'm on the right path, trodding along and bam I fall apart. Hugs to you, I know where you're at.

I guess our posts crossed...

Cass - I 100% understand how you feel. If I can say the right words or be mad enough or cry hard enough or just make him understand what he's losing. If I can just make him think about his family or our 21 year relationship as HS sweethearts. I put the picture in his head that our 20 year class reunion is in June. We were voted cutest couple, I was homecoming queen, he was my date. What's everyone going to say at the reunion now about how far he's fallen. Just get it together in the next 1.5 months and let's move on with our lives. Let's have addiction be a large bump in the road that we SURMOUNTED and moved on from. I KNOW from everything I've learned that this is HIS battle, but yet I can't seem to let go. I can for a while, but then frustration just builds and builds until I explode because he fully agrees with everything that I'm saying. But for the most part his actions speak differently.

To have to let that go is a tough thing - one that I haven't been able to fully do yet. Just the fact that you are at that point and realizing it is HUGE! I'll be honest, I'm not sure 100% of your story, but I remember you jumping into recovery and really seeming to "get" the steps and work them. You seemed to shine in recovery rather quickly. Do you think maybe you pushed too hard or too quickly and your emotions and reality is/are just catching up with you?

Keep posting, 'cause I know MANY of us are in the same situation at about the same time frame.

I too started taking Lexapro a while ago - I couldn't handle it - really bad vertigo. I've tried a few different anti-d's. I gave them up. My conclusion for 'me' is that I have a reason to be depressed and so far no pill has helped me with that. Diet and exercise have, but I've gotta make my butt get up and do it more! ;)

Cass - I know right where you are. I've been there many times, but yet keep jumping back into the fire to try to pull him out. Hugs to you.

This is where I think that I have the MOST difficult time handling. He says he is working his recovery program but his actions speak differently. He says he loves me and the kids but his actions speak differently. I think that was what was making me work harder at trying to "help" him.

The sad reality though is that all of my "help" was sending him further into it.

Yesterday, I started rereading the getting them sober books. Only because I know that now it has got to be about me. I really was letting the information sink in that THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME. I DIDNT CAUSE HIS BEHAVIOR.

That is when it hit me what I have been doing. I have still been trying to fix him and thinking that when he doesnt pick up the phone when I call that its because I said this to him or I did this to him. Grasping that simple statement that I didnt cause this is so important for me.

So here I am.

C,

I know where you are at right now. I just had to let go of my addication of 18 years. I tried to fix him, but you know what I cannot fix him. This is his fight and when or if he shows me that he has changed, not with words but with his actions. Remember words are not worth anything unless the show they have changed you are going to think why or what did I do wrong.

If your older daughter does not understand now, one day she will see what you were doing to better your life. They do get sooner or later.

As for the younger ones teach them how do things that would help you out. Even if it picking up dirty clothes, or picking up there dishes.

Take the depression one day at time. Look in the mirror and say this is going to be a good day. Smile. If it is not a good day then let your kids know that you have had a bad day and need time alone. They will not break.

Cassandra, I came to a similar revelation with ABF's last relapse. During the first recovery, I did everything to help him. I reminded him to go to counseling appointments, I gave him a hard time if he was skipping meals, etc. I kept on top of the whole recovery thing--quizzing him, giving him advice. So, did my hard work pay off??? No way. Despite my best efforts, he relapsed. Not only did he relapse, but he took an even stronger drug the second time (Oxycodone).

I finally learned that I couldn't fix him. It didn't matter how hard I worked, or how diligent I was---it made no difference. If he was going to relapse, he was going to do it on his own.

The good news is that I am much better this time around. He is working on his recovery. I listen to him, but I try not to give advice unless asked. I have finally realized that if he is going to do this, it is going to be all on his own. I have to let whatever happens to happen.

The bottom line is that sometimes we have to learn our lessons the hard way. Try not to beat yourself up. What can you do except learn from those mistakes? What is it they say? "Progress not perfection."

Isn't it amazing how once we let go of that illusion of control and say help...I need to work on me, that things start happening and we start climbing out of the hole...the deep bottom we reached?

Glad things are looking better, sweetie...Keep working on it and focusing on you. :hug:

It sounds like you are on the way to a better life
Muf

((cassandra))

I'm sorry I'm late to the post here, but I wanted to respond. Your post took me back to a time that I was exactly in your frame of mind. Worse even. But it started pretty much like you described. For me, it would all come in waves. My realization and acceptance of the whole situation would smack me upside the head, I would read and learn more, and in my head, I would understand. For some reason, understanding became more important than fixing at that point. It would make me feel better for a little while.

Then the tide would swamp me again. I would just become so tired. Overwhelmed really. I knew and understood the dynamics of the whole addiction thing. I accepted the facts, they were what they were. I understood and accepted that I couldn't save anyone, I could only save myself.

I'm a pretty logical person, when I figure something out or learn it, then I expect that when I apply what I learn, that it is supposed to work, it's supposed to make things better.

What I didn't understand about my own recovery, is that even though I learned all of this and thought I was applying it, there is the emotional and spiritual portion that really can't be learned from educating myself about the problem, it is only learned from experiencing it and comming to terms with whatever it is I was fighting.

Sub-consciously, I was fighting that first step. Admitting I was powerless. That there wasn't something else I could do or try. My head understood that I was, but my heart kept fighting it.

Those waves kept hitting me, I would get knocked down, I would fight to get back up just to be knocked back down again. Feel better and more in control of my life, then feel like it was all just spinning out of control....again.

It kept getting worse with each wave that hit me, until one day, I didn't want to get up and fight any more. I was loosing hope and I was loosing my faith, worse, I was loosing myself.

What turned the tide for me? A breakdown. The day that I fell to my knees in the middle of the room and truely completely gave it all over to my HP. Prayed that no matter what the outcome, that HP give me the strength to accept his plan, not my own.

Something happened to me that day, a chill went through my body and I knew, I was going to be alright. I felt a peace that I had never felt in my life. A understanding that can never be learned in a book.

The waves didn't stop hitting me, but they never had their hold on me like that again. Even now, today, years later, when things feel like they are spinning out of control, I reach back to step one and have to let go and have faith that whatever happens is in HP's control, not mine. His plan...not mine.

Love and Hugs and Prayers going your way.
B