Nyte, your being quiet....that kinda worries me as it is out of character for you sweetie.

Judy - I love you and I do see the cycle you wrote about. I understand this....I began detaching from John when he took out of town work, actually, probably before that because it was not that difficult to let him go. I cannot put him out in the streets if he's going to be actively working a program and moving heaven and earth to be the man he was when I met him.

I am telling you, I promise, not to get caught up in his recovery because I will continue to focus on my own and taking care of the children. The terms will be clear if he comes home that he must, must, must be in outpatient treatment which will subject him to drug tests and that he must, must, must be a participant in the household. I don't know how outpatient treatment works with jobs but he needs to become a recovery junkie. The last time, he did sometimes 2 daytime meetings a day and then another at night. He needs to fill his time with recovery related or employment endeavers.

I can honestly say that I have changed after this last fiasco. Everytime it happens I change more and more and I am pretty comfortable today with where I am at emotionally because my world is not revolving around him.

I will check the Al-Anon/Nar-Anon schedule and see when and where the other meetings are. Child care is an issue it seems which is why I like my Celebrate Recovery meetings on Friday night's - we have child care.

I have to say too, the reason why the widow's were bothersome to me is because is was an Al-Anon meeting and the DRUGS were the biggest problem (for me as I'm a little desensitized to the drinking) and I didn't want to shock these sweet little old ladies into an early grave by talking about something they in no way could relate to. That's why I felt uncomforable - because their only experience was with alcohol related issues and I had multiple issues (and kids in the room because there was no child care).

I'm probably regretting this post already. I'm sorry. I know all of you want what's best for me and I know everything you say is because you care.

Progress - not perfection right?

[quote=MrsMagoo;
I can honestly say that I have changed after this last fiasco. Everytime it happens I change more and more and I am pretty comfortable today with where I am at emotionally because my world is not revolving around him.]
MrsM, I really don't see it. I still see you being more emotionally involved in his recovery than your own.

I will check the Al-Anon/Nar-Anon schedule and see when and where the other meetings are. Child care is an issue it seems which is why I like my Celebrate Recovery meetings on Friday night's - we have child care.
I know that it is not the best, however I have taken my gd's to meetings with me, and my RAD does also.

I have to say too, the reason why the widow's were bothersome to me is because is was an Al-Anon meeting and the DRUGS were the biggest problem (for me as I'm a little desensitized to the drinking) and I didn't want to shock these sweet little old ladies into an early grave by talking about something they in no way could relate to. That's why I felt uncomforable - because their only experience was with alcohol related issues and I had multiple issues (and kids in the room because there was no child care).
As far as I can see, addiction is addiction no matter what the DOC, whether it be alcohol or drugs. In the beginning I attended both Al-alon & Nar-anon, and I gotta tell you that some of the older women and men, (in Ala-non) knew exactly how I felt. And their insight & recovery was very helpful to me. Don't make too many excuses to yourself, please take care of you, you're right we DO care, and you are so worth it.

[Progress - not perfection right?]
Thank God for that, because we each work our program in our own way & time. With help from all who care.

Hugs,
Chris

I have to agree with Anvil. I still see a big director's wand being waved around, Mrs. Magoo.

I'll reiterate-when I relapsed, there was no rehab, no intensive outpatient, just me dragging my humiliated carcass back up the steps of AA when I had hurt enough.

There was no significant other to come home to with stipulations.

From my perspective, you're still cushioning the fall for him.

Your posts were completely different when he was still in the home, and you were determined to do whatever it took to protect you and those kids.

I don't see that anymore, and it makes me sad. :(

Janet,

I am being quiet because there isn't anything I can say that I haven't said already, but since you insist :) okay here goes.

You drive around looking for his car? Why? In whose best interest was that for? Was that for the benefit of your recovery?

You get him names and numbers for/of places he can call or go to. Whose recovery does that benefit?

You're already talking about what he will or won't be allowed to do WHEN HE COMES HOME (He hasn't even had a chance to come down long enough to get a clue yet)

But yet, he has already appeased you by going to a program. That is really all you needed him to do in order for you to be happy and then you're off to planning your future with him in it.

This is no quick fix. He has a long hard road ahead of him and if you make it all cushy comfy then the addict thinks he can just cut it short and come home.

Hands off the addict - hands off his recovery.

I wouldn't even begin to consider letting him come home until he has a year of recovery time under belt.

He needs to be free to (pardon my french) sh!t or get off the pot. If you leave him alone in his recovery then he will be free focus on recovery. He doesn't need to be distracted by the happy little honeymoon awaiting him when he has jumped through enough hoops to satisfy you. IMO you are letting your heart get ahead of you and all that you have learned in your own recovery.

Which I (again IMO) don't see you focusing on YOUR RECOVERY. You're recovery is the stuff you do for you. Not the stuff you do for John.

Cut the umbilical cord and let him be a grown man, stop doing for him what he is capable of doing for himself. Let his recovery be just that. HIS RECOVERY.

Take your hands off the wheel and let God be the driver .. quit trying to take the short cut (there isn't one).

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
"If you settle for less you'll get even less then you settled for."

When I read you getting excited and giddy over your own accomplishments in recovery as I hear you get over what John said or did .. then I'll know you're headed in the right direction. Right now, I just don't see that.

YOU SURE BOUT THAT MM? D E N I A L
Getting John off drugs is about as comparable to getting you off your drug off choice = John

Now dontcha wish I had just kept quiet? LOL

Nyte

Mrs. Magoo,

When I truly hit rock bottom, I stopped managing my (now ex) husband's life. I set him free, out the door. I did divorce him after a year of watching him fall, get up, fall get up, and so forth. It's been over 4 years and he has recently been sober for going on 5 months now. I myself have gotten quite used to the lack of drama and the serenity that largely exists in my house due to my making.

I think that you might be regretting starting this thread because it is uncomfortable when the codies call each other out on codie behavior that we, as just bystanders, can see when you cannot. No one means you any harm, any threat, just loving support but honest support and honest observations. Step away from the addict -- I know you've heard this before, but have you ever truly HEARD it and realized it works? For both of you, it can work. But it definitely works for you. Prayers.

((MM))

You DO realize that we A's can SAY we're going to meetings and not go, right? Or we can actually go, but be thinking about everything BUT recovery while we're sitting in there. People who are doing it just to appease someone else do it all the time.

So, while you're thinking in terms of making him be a recovering junkie, keep in mind that we A's can make you THINK we're focused on it, and be manipulating the he!! out of you just to get you to let your guard down.

I say this to make you listen to everyone above...focus on you, sweetie. If he wants recovery..he'll find it, and it doesn't have to be in your house. In fact, he will do much better if he's NOT in your house, because he will be have to find recovery while facing all the reality of life. My recovery is stronger because I've had to struggle with life, right along with recovery.

Now that I've posted this, how are you going to KNOW he's working recovery? You're not....only time (and a lot of it) are going to prove it. You really need to use that time to work your own recovery, sweetie.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Thank you for this PT - I know alot of times when I start threads or comment I appreciate the 2x4's, but also feel like there are a 1000 eye rolls going on out there in cyberspace. 1000's of people saying to themself is she that much of a dimwit that she really doesn't get it? Does she realize how stupid she looks for posting this? I know MM feels somewhat the same as well. We've BOTH been around here for long enough to get it, but although the addicts actions are very similar across the board, it's easy for us codies to think our sitch is different. Sometimes they are and sometimes they're not.

Neither of you can know how the recovery will go. People who have never had the disease of addiction can woefully underestimate the pull that drugs have on addicts. As Anvil has already said, even with the best of intentions and tons of desire, recovery can more easily go off track than any well-intentioned non-addict can ever grasp.

Bottom line is that you don't need your SR friends' permission to let your husband move back in after only a few days of recovery. The only thing that we can do to dissaude you from this very unwise and probably painful in the long-term course of action is to withhold our approval of it and suggest what we think are better courses of action at this time. Like waiting a while.

Most of us are not going to cosign this decision to let him move back so soon, MM, however, if you keep rewording it, you'll get some women to agree that it might turn out OK. Keep in mind that the women who are willing to tell you this is an OK decision are more than likely doing it to justify some codie actions of their own..LOL..or they want your friendship and are unable to stand you getting a bit grumpy with them if they told you something you don't want to hear now.

Go ahead and get grumpy with me...I love you anyway. And I will be your friend no matter what mistakes you make on this issue. But I suspect that you already know that this is a bad decision, or you wouldn't have to keep on giving us reasons why it isn't...
It's unlikely, dearest MM, to turn out OK if you keep your hands in his recovery. We just don't want to see you hurting. And we want to see you working on your own recovery and spending time with your children at this point.

Love,
KJ

This is the second time on here and I wanted to thank you all for the replies you've given to MM.
My life mirrors hers - in a very eerie way - and this thread has helped me immensely. Thank you all so much for taking the time to help her, as it has also been helping me.

I second what KJ said. We Love You MM :ghug2

:Val004:
Passion

I love you ladies too!!! Please beleive that!!

I AM working on my own recovery. I go to meetings, all my friends are in recovery, I have a sponsor/accountability partner and I am doing so much better than I was this time last year (when I went to jail because I melted down over this stuff if you will recall). I may have been posting under DevastatedJP back then (??).

I was trying to think this morning which would be easier, quitting a drug or completely overhauling your whole life. It occured to me that sometimes co-dependant behavior begins at a very early age for some and is often not recogized as such until something like this happens or perhaps we are affected by addiction issues, either or own or somebody else's. Nobody every called me co-dependent until John. Nobody ever called me weak or wishy-washy or indecisive or a bad mother or sorry excuse for a human being.

I think IF John gets out of rehab this weekend and IF he goes into outpatient treatment and IF he works a program, he's entitled to my support but IF he's not going to do these things than I have to cut him loose because I don't want to go (any further) down with the ship. I don't know what the odds of him being successful are but I believe that with the right supports and programs in place, he has a chance. If he blows this chance, and for some reason, this chance is different from the others, at least it is to me because I have changed and vow to continue to change, than it's just over.

I'm putting things in place so that IF that happens, me and kids will be okay. I have my own vehicle in my own name that I just bought and I paid off the vehicle in both of our names. When the title comes, I'm signing it over to him and will not have to carry the insurance on it anymore. He can live out of that vehicle but I don't want my name associated with it.

I am getting ready to downsize when I get my income taxes back. We will move from a three bedroom house to an apartment so that I can easily cover the rent, my car payment and other expenses without having to borrow from Peter to pay Paul and I can support me and the children on my income comforatably. The bank accounts have already been seperated as well and the plastic is just no good. There will literally be nothing left but the good-byes.

I will continue coming to SR, going to meetings and surrounding myself with healthy and supportive people. I am not going to get caught up in HIS recovery because I have enough on plate. If he relapses again, it is truly over but I need to give him this one last chance. I have been very clear. I understand that I'm probably setting myself up for one last kick in the teeth but I've got my mouth-guard in this time and just in case, I have the dentist already lined up.

I may be foolish but I'm thinking more along the lines of compassionate and we have all been in situations where compassion would have been nice. Can't one enforce boundaries with compassion? I'm not being bitchy, I'm serious.

He still knows how to play you like a fiddle. That makes me incredibly sad. :(

I'm not commenting anymore on your situation because I need to step back and just turn you over to God.

:ghug :ghug :ghug

I think I'd have more chances as an addict than I do as a Codie.

<a href="http://www.sweetim.com/s.asp?im=gen&lpver=3&ref=11" target="_blank"><img src="http://content.sweetim.com/sim/cpie/emoticons/00020309.gif" border=0 ></a>

MM, know that if you're still married to him and your D is not final and he wrecks it or kills somebody or whatever, they can come after YOU as his wife. No matter whose name it's in. I've had to deal with the same thing.

MM,

Thank you for posting to me, I really appreciate you taking time out of your busy life to help out.

I've read through this entire thread and I am amazed at the compassion and willingness you have to help your AH and help yourself.

I can see how confusing this is

and how painful

But I can also see from your posts how rewarding it is to pick yourself up and get yourself together and surround yourself with positive people to ensure that your life and your childrens life are the best you can possibly provide for them.

I love that.