Given his present state, his "expertise" would give me a whole lot LESS faith in him, because despite all he knows, he has still CHOSEN to go back to using/lying/manipulating. He has ever so much LESS excuse, for his decisions, than anyone else.

About now, I'd be calling the cops and reporting that an active crack user is threatening me, and I fear for my safety and the safety of my children while he is in the house. It's the truth.

I'd let the cops come out and deal with it. Why should you have to leave? The answer is you shouldn't.

And if by some other mechanism the cops come out and find out you've knowingly allowed an active crack addict around your family, you will be responsible for allowing that and will have to face the consequences, which could be as serious as losing custody of your children. Your job is to protect the children, not the addict.

CLMI

Yes. Me too. Hang in there Mrs. Magoo. Please stay strong and stand up for yourself and your children. Do you own the house? Because if you don't, then maybe you need to look for a place to stay and stop paying his rent. Someone here once said, "don't ask an addict to do anything you wouldn't be willing to do yourself." We are really forced into making hard, horribly difficult decisions. But there is life on the otherside.

Life is like the ocean. It comes in waves. Sometimes it comes in a really big one. And all we can do is hang on and ride it out. There is always calm after the storm.

Find out what your legal rights are, but in NO WAY, let this escalate into something physical....get the heck out, with the baby, if you have to, and fast. This has gotten nasty, before, and you know it can, again.

Keep us posted.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

I think you can get an exparte. You'd be able to get it in my area for this. All you do is go to the court and fill out papers in the morning. The judge hears your case within a few minutes or hours and issues documents granting you temporary custody of the house, vehicles, and children for 7-14 days (depending on case load) until they can get the case onto the docket for a hearing. You then get near your house and call the police to meet you there, where you give them the papers and they evict him and tell him not to come within shouting distance of you and the baby/house/workplace
/daycare/car/your parents.

Then in 7-14 days, you go to court with a court-appointed lawyer (or your own if you want) and get custody for longer, a month.

Then it goes to permanent hearings for the divorce and permanent custody. You don't have to go through the whole process. Lots of women don't. But it's pretty easy to get it rolling in this post-OJ Simpson country now we have a pro-domestic violence victim atmosphere (thank God).

I did this and it was really easy. Painful, but easy. Go for it. You can change your mind later if you want. But I bet once you get some peace, you won't want to.

Love,
KJ

Last night was a bit of a roller coaster. Once I got on SR and called Judy (SerenityQueen), he changed his tune a little bit and called his sister (the pastor's wife) and told her that he had "messed up" and then went into great detail with her about the things he had done. Of course the bottom line is that if I wasn't such an awful person, he wouldn't have (fill in the blanks).

He slept on the couch last night. Next to him was an 800 number for the mental health system here in NC that you have to call to find out where you can go for treatment.

He got mad last night because I asked a friend of mine if her daughter would babysit Saturday so I could get 8 hours of community service in. Normally my husband has kept her. He was furious and I explained (nicely because this was before the blow-up) that neither one of us could guarantee that he would be around on Saturday, that hopefully he could find a bed and I needed to get as much CS in as possible because my court date is March 18th. He said that nobody would watch his daughter but him and he was the final word on that matter and I told him that he was not capable of making those types of decisions right now and she was going to a babysitter. My job was to protect my family while I do what I have to do.

It occured to me while I was on the phone with Judy (SQ) that when I told him to go to a meeting and when he refused I stated that he was not serious about his recovery and he had to leave, that I did call his bluff. I've never done that in a calm way. He thought he'd lay around on the couch for a couple of days licking his wounds and that by day three, I'd kinda be over it, see that he hadn't been out drugging and give him the benefit of the doubt again like I have in the past. I didn't do that last night. He also knows between SR and Celebrate Recovery, I have massive support and knowledgable people helping direct my next move and he's very threatened by that because alone I could probably be manipulated but with my wall of friends cheering me on, I can do what I need to do (and what he knows I need to do).

I talked to my daugther's teacher and the director of daycare this morning and asked that they call me if he shows up to pick our daughter up. They said that they would keep him busy talking and call the police. They do it all the time. He doesn't have a car seat and I parked my van where I can see it from my window today in case he trys to come by and snatch it.

You know what bothers me about him actually reaching out and telling people what he's done? Maybe this is stupid. He tells them that he's been doing cocaine and I know crack IS cocaine but it's different. The high is different, for the most part the people you get it from are different, it's just different. Cocaine by itself is not as addicting or all consuming as crack. It seems like he downplays it by saying cocaine and I know that's ridiculous but it irks me to no end. He HATES when I call it crack or make reference to somebody or him being a crackhead. He also doesn't like that I know there are no physical withdrawals from crack - only mental ones.

He was in bed all day yesterday and all night. He didn't clean out the shed like I asked him. Oh, when I asked him why wasn't sleeping in the bed last night he said "I can't f*(kin be around you right now!". Geeze - Judy said that I'm the enemy right now. She is right but it's almost funny that I didn't do anything to deserve that kind of contempt. He's the one that screwed up and I don't have contempt for him.

Ya'll are going to get me through this! I'm almost dancing a jig. I said the words I have been unable to say for a very long time and it was pretty libertating. I know he's not gone yet but he will be soon - one way or the other.

Mrs. Magoo, I said a prayer for you and your daughter before I went to bed last night. My old dog got me up in the middle of the night, and you were the first thing on my mind. I said another prayer.

I have to confess I haven't been this scared for someone in a long time. My stomach turned when you talked about him calling his sister, and 'confessing' while placing all the blame on you.

He is self-will run riot to the extreme right now, and he has absolutely no spiritual connection. He's got a God complex a mile long, and I suspect his anger at not being able to manipulate you is going to turn into rage. The game is up.

He can't stand the reference to crack or crackhead because he thinks he's better than that. Like I said, his ego is full-blown.

Please please if you feel bad things are going to happen when you go home, stay somewhere else for the night.

Please protect you and that precious daughter. :ghug :ghug

Awwww Freedom - your prayers worked!! I hate that you were so concerned but I'm very touched too.

AH is not in the best state of mind right now. Besides depression, he also has PTSD that he takes meds for. I think that's his biggest fear with inpatient treatment is that he will have to come off all this meds including the methadone (that's what he told me). Too bad - so sad!!

I haven't heard from him. I have my Celebrate Recovery meeting from 6 till 9 tonight and I'm taking a girl home (a recovering crack addict as a matter of fact!) after that. I'm in no rush. I'm sure she and I will have alot to talk about because I'll be bringing all this up in tonight's small group. The baby will be with me and we are fortunate enough to have child care at our meeting.

Hopefully he will be gone when I get there or packing to go somewhere and tomorrow's babysitter issue won't be an issue.

I will keep ya'll posted and let you know if he call's me (the evil one). If I get a chance today, I will call some of my lawyer friends and find out how to get him out of the house if I need to. I really really don't want to involve the police because of the probation thing. AH will work every angle on that he can because he knows how humiliating that was for me since I've worked in the legal community and/or at the courthouse for the past 20 years. He keeps threatening to call the DA and tell him that I haven't finished my community service yet and I have to keep reminding him that I have until my court date to finish it but he is being unreasonable and not making an sense. I understand he's desperate for some kind of control in his out of control life.

That's exactly what it feels like isn't it? So TRUE!

MM, it's hard to see it, but maybe this is a GOOD thing that it's escalating so quickly. You're seeing what you need to see and taking appropriate actions. Hang in there - I've been there and it's nerve wracking and you rely on instincts only right now.

I promise i'm not critisizing this because I know its just an honest feeling and i felt that way before in the beginning so i do understand. That being said I dont take whether or not my son uses drugs as having anything to do with me personally. He's not using because of me so he wont quit because of me. Why should he feel like he has to be appreciative of me doing something to help him when he never really wanted me to? I dont do it so that i'm rewarded or loved - i do it because i love him and want him to be alive. There is no personal reward in the end for me and he will probably never appreciate what i have done or gone through. Honestly, if my son never spoke to me again but got clean and had a happy life i would be be content.

Someone else's addiction or recovery is not a reflection on us. I am not a superhero who sweeps in and saves others and then receives their undying gratitude and admiration. I'm just a mom trying to keep my kid alive and trying to keep my sanity.

I called him to see if he had made any plans yet and he was very short, curt and rude. He informed me that he had not and he was tired of me trying to control him.

I sent him this text message: This is not a joke John. You need to get help or take what is yours and leave. You cannot beat your addictions on your own. You have tried and tried and it is obvious that it's too big. I love you but cannot support you if you are not willing to do what it takes to keep our family together and safe.

I felt I had to have some sort of documentation of the issue and my wishes in writing.

I've sent an e-mail to my attorney's office asking them what needs to be done. He got pretty PO'd at me last year when I took him back after the ex parte custody order and the custody/support/separation papers and a couple of hearings that he never charged me for. I hope he understands because he is a recovering alcoholic too and surely he's done the manipulation thing too to get what he wants and feed his prior addiction. Keep your fingers crossed.

I have thought about calling our former social worker and asking her what to do but that seems a little extream. She loved me to death and rode John like crazy with urine tests and home visits. Even though I went to jail and was the one initially in trouble last year, they were quickly able to figure out that I had a bad moment because of all this and lost my temper. They were on him like white on rice once they got a hold of his medical records and blood tox showing all the pyschotrophic meds he was on. They were very helpful to me and very supportive but I don't think they can just come riding in on a white horse without police involvement either since the case has been closed. For months, he was unable to unsupervised with his daughter which is how I was able to get my community service extended (child care issues). He was not ALLOWED to be alone with his daughter for months.

MM... he's doing what an addict does.... playing the blame game. Blaming YOU is so much easier than taking responsibility for his life and accepting that's HE'S too blame. Just remember it's part of the game... don't ACCEPT the blame. It's not your fault.

You didn't Cause the addiction, You can't Control it, and You Can't Cure it.
It's all up to HIM. But, you are the enemy now because you're rocking the boat
and his life of using isn't as easy now that you've found some recovery!

One thing that helped me when dealing with my active AH, was remembering you are dealing with the ADDICT personality in your H, not the loving person you fell in love with. And there is just NO reasoning with an ACTIVE addict. Reading and re-reading "What Addicts Do" is very helpful too.

KNOWLEDGE = POWER

The more you know about addiction, the more prepared you'll be in making decisions.

Hang in there... you're doing a great job!

(((HUGS)))

Sweetie in no way am I disappointed in you .. I've been right where you are before. The crossroads is never an easy place to be, but a place that we find ourselves in when we have an addicted loved one and we are on our way in our recovery. You are learning so much. The lesson is painful, but oh so powerful at the same time.

I am here for you my friend.

I love you,
Passion

I have read that "what addicts do" several times. I have it printed off somewhere as a reminder. It was one of the hardest things I ever read. Nytepassion used to send me stuff too, old stuff that she had written (talk about wise!) and you are right - I am not dealing with my husband, I'm dealing with a desperate, depressed, sick man. He is a shell of the man I married. I hope that one day he can find himself again, if not for me, for him. Everyone I've talked to that has done crack said their fall was extremely quick once they picked up that pipe and even after years and years of other drug use. The crack gets em.

I can't even imagine what that does to your mind.

He hasn't responded to my text message. I thought about going home at lunch but I'm going to kill time doing something else and just not see him till after my meeting tonight - if he's there. At this point, I don't care what he takes as long as he's gone.

That is so funny Nyte!!! You posted right when I as singing your praises. I need to go back and print out all that stuff you wrote to me last year. I think it can finally penetrate my brain now!! Amen!

I hope you had a good birthday. I think about you all the time and if not for the time difference, would probably call you more often!!! I will.

Thank you for the encouragement (all of you). It keeps me pushing through and keeps me from getting overwhelmed because I know I'm not special and there have been too many before me dealing with and conquering this!

:ghug2

I love you too Judy.

I did find out a little something from my mechanic who goes to my Friday night meetings. He said I need to go to the magistrates office and swear out a warrant for him. Tell the magistrate about the drug use, the possibility of it being in my home, his outbursts etc. and the cops will pick him up and take him to the Oaks (treatment) for 72 hours. That's not long enough but he said it could get the ball rolling because and a friend did that for his friend's dad and within a couple of days, he was in long term treatment.

The problem with that is if he hasn't used for a couple of days, he might not drop dirty urine and since he has only been verbally abusive....

I'm not making excuses. I see the clock ticking too and I don't know how I'm going to have time to do this since the meeting is at 6 and I have to be at work at 10. Maybe I can leave my daughter at the meeting and go to the Sheriff's office with somebody (???) tonight.

One thing that I'd found out too when my AH had the walmart incident is...I'd called a local hospital with an addiction and behavioral floor. I'd asked about getting a psych eval. on AH because he was so out of it. They said I could either call the sherriff to bring him to the ER or if I could get him to the ER and request it that they would HAVE to do it whether he wanted it or not. Not sure how "OUT" of it your AH is, but that could be a possibility too.


Do you know when he last used? Maybe time all of this SHORTLY after that. I agree with Judy, it's the weekend and their are only a few more hours to get the ball rolling if you're going to go the social worker route or courthouse route. Stay strong - he has a CHOICE in all of this and it's apparant the stance that he's taking.

BTW - Judy, I love the bitchology and am now not offended to be a bit$h! ;)

OK, so this is the plan so far.

I'm not going to miss my meeting. After the meeting, some friends of mine are going with me to the Sheriff's Dept. with me to swear out a warrant. They will keep an eye on my daughter so that I can talk. I'm trying to reach a friend of mine that IS a magistrate (but not working tonight :( ) to see what the "magic words" are to make sure this happens and it's not just a waste of time. Maybe he can call and tell them I'm coming.

I despise having to do this. I know he will hate me so much for this and it's not even really what he needs because he doesn't need a detox or a court date - he needs long term inpatient treatment. It almost feels more like a battle of the wills right now more than about him hitting rock bottom or getting clean. Am I getting a little scewed here?

I just called AH's cell phone. Was going to ask him again if he's made any arrangements yet for a bed or to leave. His phone is turned off. I left a message. My son will be home from school in a few minutes (I HATE that too) so I'll be able to ask him if AH is home or not. Hopefully not. Please pray that he's not!

Yeah, MM! So proud of you stick with it! You're doing what's in the best interest for EVERYBODY involved.

Not my parents or anyone else had any idea what I needed in order to hit a bottom and get help.

What it took for me was the brutal and violent marriage I was in to EXAH before I finally hit a bottom in my own addictions.

My mother got down on her knees and begged me not to marry him.

I understand why she did that.

I also believe that marriage was an integral part of my hitting bottom.