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I got played again! I don't want to be here again posting about this. I'd rather not hear I told you so because I already know everyone has told me so. I don't know why I'm here except the question has been posed to me: Do you want me to leave? Do I? As you know, my AH and I have gone round and round with the drugs, the alcohol and prescription drugs. First it was pain killers after 10 years of being clean then in the natural progression of things, he moved on up to heroin then 2 detoxes stints. After hooking up with a buddy from "way back when" that he got reacquainted with at AA, buddy fell off the wagon and AH was right there helping pick himself up (as AH was a substance abuse until the 1st detox) and picked up only this time, because he's on methadone for pain and opiate addiction, he starts smoking crack then starts shooting crack until he gets a giant infection in his arm that scares the crap out of him. He drinks occassionally. I don't like it cause I know where that ends up at. He got a job out of town. That was good - distance. I started guessing that he was using crack again but of course it's easy to deny when you live 2 hours away. He came back home, is unemployed, feeling bad about himself and starts smoking crack again (on my dime). He says its not a problem. It's a problem. After investing (today) in a couples kit from the movie Fireproof and him telling me just last night that anything he does that doesn't make me blissfully happy is unacceptable and after offering to make the appitizers for my bible study class tonight, I find out that he's gone to the ATM, pulled out $60 and smoked crack for an hour. He is making some phone calls to professionals he knows from the field. He absolutely knows that I will not live like this. He's finally admitting that it's a problem and he needs help. I know he's supposed to hit rock bottom. In the past, I was always the one determining where his bottom was, not him, so I'd come in when I thought he had had enough and rescue him. My head is about to explode. We don't have health insurance. He gets benefits from the VA and I think the VA Hospital 2 hours away has a detox program but I think it's just a detox program and I don't beleive there are any significant withdrawals from crack if you can get past the first few hours. If he is going to be proactive in finding help, do I make him leave in the interim. He's said he does not want to have my debit card in his possession and is willing to give me receipts for all cash purchases (which he has NEVER been willing to do in the past). He has no access to money except through me and he's already over the past 2 years, pawned about everything of value that I wouldn't outright miss. How do I finish my work day and then go to my small group tonight? He asked me to take the baby to the church nursery because he wants to go to a meeting tonight so that's a relief. |
I keep thinking I've hit my rock bottom. I do. The scary part is that I'm not as devastated each time this happens. The first time was the worst. I don't know if I credit MY recovery meetings for that or if my heart can only break so many times and I'm getting numb to it. I'm hoping that the meetings and support groups are helping because I have a life now, seperate and apart from him. I have places I go for serenity and to get healthy. I just figured out part of my problem too. Everybody (here at home) keeps asking me why I have so much compassion for him. It's a good question and one that I haven't been able to answer until a few minutes ago. Between SR and Nar-Anon and Celebrate Recovery, my life is FULL of addicts and alcholics who have beat back this disease - all have very ugly pasts due to addicition and all are solid in their recoveries and helping people and they are smart, loving people. Because I know and love these amazing people who have the utmost respect for - I can see a future for AH just as well as I can see his past before he ran back into the arms of addiction. I wouldn't turn my back on Amy if she started smoking crack again or Judy if she started drinking or eating pills. I love these ladies (and I'm sorry to use them as an example but since they are well known on this forum....I though they might be good examples XXXOO). Why am I not seeing the difference? |
My God. I don't even know what to say. |
((Magoo)) This would have to be some of the tough questions I would have to ask myself - and did have to ask myself when I decided was I going to keep on giving chances to a chronic relapser who after several yrs of sobriety & recovery couldn't get back on the road to recovery. This is what I had to use to decide if it was a healthy place for me to stay or not. (And of course - look what I am going thru now after staying so many years.) How long has this cycle of relapses been going on? each time he says he is going to get "sober" again - how long does it last? How much is he actually doing (not just saying)? Is there true recovery growth during these periods of sobriety or just some Pink Cloud attitudes and then the bottom drops out at the first sign of difficulty and a relapse comes back in the picture? Only you can answer these questions - only you can decide what is best for yourself. Yes, we can love and support our friends and loved ones who suffer from this disease if or when they relapse - but not at the cost of our sanity, our well-being or our own recovery. HUGS to you, Rita |
Originally Posted by MrsMagoo
(Post 2114435)
Between SR and Nar-Anon and Celebrate Recovery, my life is FULL of addicts and alcholics who have beat back this disease - all have very ugly pasts due to addicition and all are solid in their recoveries and helping people and they are smart, loving people. Because I know and love these amazing people who have the utmost respect for - I can see a future for AH just as well as I can see his past before he ran back into the arms of addiction. As Anvil already stated, why are those addicts where they are in recovery? I'll tell you why I am where I am in recovery. There was NO ONE LEFT to pick up my pathetic carcass when I hit bottom. You're not living in the moment and accepting what is. You're living in the fantasy that perhaps some day, some how he will get it like others have. Till everyone got out of my way and let me fall hard, I never got any better, only worse. |
It seems like most of the recovered people on here are women. Is it that difficult for men to recover...also?? Or, is it that women are more codependent than men?? I hate to hyjack this thread but that question just entered my brain while I was here....Take the best care of yourself MaGoo and it sounds to me like you know what to do....for yourself. Hugs, Bonnie |
Mrs. Magoo... I'm sorry you're going thru this...again. Don't feel bad...lots of us stayed too long.. Everyone's situation is different, of course, but I bet alot of people (including myself) stay because of fear...and because, just like you, we can't let go of the outcome...we see this person we love and we think recovery is just around the corner because that is what they tell us. Stop listening to his words...they mean nothing...and look at his actions. I didin't leave my exah for a long time because I was afraid of the outcome. I was certain that if I left him to his own devices, he would never find recovery. I thought he'd fall into this deep, dark pit and never find his way out. But when I finally let go of my expectations...and let go of my need to control him...he slipped a little further into addiction but then he clawed his way back and found recovery. To this day, he tells me that he would have never done it had I stayed and continued to make things easy for him. He would probably be dead now or still using if I had stayed and made his life easier...trying to save him from himself. Everyone has to work thru this at their own pace... Please change the PIN number on your ATM card and make sure you protect yourself financially as best as you can...and protect yourself emotionally by not relying on him for support or help...Let him go...let him find his own way...let him feel the consequences of his drug use...and focus your energy and love on yourself and your kids. You'll know when you've had enough. There won't be any 'maybe' about it...you'll just know. Until that time comes, protect yourself against the legal, financial, and emotional fall-out of his addiction. Hugs...I know this isn't easy. |
Originally Posted by outonalimb
(Post 2114496)
I didin't leave my exah for a long time because I was afraid of the outcome. I was certain that if I left him to his own devices, he would never find recovery. I thought he'd fall into this deep, dark pit and never find his way out. But when I finally let go of my expectations...and let go of my need to control him...he slipped a little further into addiction but then he clawed his way back and found recovery. To this day, he tells me that he would have never done it had I stayed and continued to make things easy for him. He would probably be dead now or still using if I had stayed and made his life easier...trying to save him from himself. MrsMagoo, I stayed with my ex AH for almost 20 years hoping THIS time would be the time he would change. I finally reached my enough is enough point. He's been gone almost 5 months and it's still not easy some days, but each day is now mostly drama free. You'll know when and if you decide to leave... it will be when you've had enough and the worry will be for your happiness, not his. ((HUGS)) |
What helped me the most - was setting a small and simple boundary... I am going to honor MY integrity and self worth... and what I feel. You get high.... DO NOT come home. Do NOT come home to detox. That is a boundary I could live with. Now, IF he did come home and refused to leave... then I was prepared to call my brother, my mother and who ever else I could think of to stand by me - when I asked him to leave! Grant it--- he pulled a fast one on me and was smoking heroin the night before we all got on the plane as a family for a visit to see his family. But then when we came home - the next day he was getting on subutex. Had he of not and kept on using - I would have had to go through with my boundary - because I do not want to enable him killing himself. I do not want addiction in the walls of my home. And the only way I can get rid of the addiction is by getting rid of the "host". What I learned in therapy last night..... is Part A, Part B and Part C Part A: Event Part B: Thoughts/Feelings Part C: Reaction/Action When an Event happens.... it is very easy to move quickly from part b to part c. What the best thing is you can do for you..... is stay in Part B quietly and on your own thoughts / feelings. Do not enter into his world and what he is thinking and feeling. It is only going to make it harder for you. He asked you a question ... about whether or not he should go. Put that question right back to him and tell him that you don't have an answer right now because you are still in "Part B".... but he needs to be thinking of the answer to that question himself! Hugs to you Magoo....... I know how hard it is. Peace oxoxo |
Mrs. Magoo - I'm so sorry girl. You know, one thing that I realized is that even if AH DID or DOES get clean yet again, he's got a long road ahead of him. His financial situation is a disaster, he, needs to learn to live this life without drugs and without me doing it for him. One thing that I've learned is that although HE is not good for me as an addict, I am NOT good for him either. For me, I feel that that very unhealthy connection needs to be broken. If we can reconnect it in a healthy relationship somewhere down the line (years) than maybe we can start over or give it another go. For me, I have lived through relapse after relapse after relapse. I will not risk another one. For me, it's not just about him getting clean. It's about living a life with respect and dignity, not sleeping all day, not being lazy, not allowing me to do all of the work, helping me with the kids etc. I've learned that he's not just starting at ground zero in our marriage after his 4th attempt at a rehab (he's been in there 23 days so far - a record for him) he's starting at ground negative one thousand. All of the lies, deception, manipulation the years and years of this has basically trashed every emotion that I have for him. I DO still care about him, I DO still want the best for him and will support him in his recovery. But he's done this to me so many times that it is NOT healthy for me to be by his side and risk yet another letdown. Like you, I've become numb. For so many years I kept thinking "he gets it this time". For so many years I was let down time and time again. It's slowly sinking in for me that you can still love or care about someone and NOT be married to him anymore. Is your AH surrendering to YOU or is he surrendering to his recovery, knowing that he cannot do this anymore. I see your AH doing what mine did/is doing. You are his lifeline right now. He has no money, no nothing financially without you right? Since being in rehab the cloud is slowly starting to lift for AH, he's being nicer, kinder, more apologetic etc. BUT I think part of the fear for him is losing me and starting all over again with finding a job, a place to live, taking care of his bills etc. I know he does care about me, but I'm sure it's also the fact that he doesn't want to lose me because I've been the glue that has held him together for so long. I'd be there right behind him sweeping up the mess that he made. I know the draw to give them "just one more chance" "maybe he gets it this time". But you've seen periods recently with him in sobriety. Do you like what you see? For me, I didn't. I liked it BETTER than addiction, but I still deserved more and so do my kids. PM me anytime - I'm here for you girl and proud of you for posting. I know how hard it is to do that imagining all of those "I told you so's" out in cyberspace. Hang tough. |
I want to add please don't use your SR friends' success in recovery as a reason to stay with this man. We are the minority of addicts here at SR. I meet hundreds and hundreds of addicts in meetings. Out of all of them that pass through the doors of NA, less than 10% stick and stay by my reckoning (don't send me any statistical data people, this 10% is just my experience, not a controlled scientific study done at Harvard, ..lol). So though I'm an addict, I wouldn't seek out a relationship with another person with this disease. I can only guage my own willingness to stay clean, not someone elses', and this disease scares the he!! out of me. I certainly wouldn't engage in a relationship with an addict who isn't clean, and I mean clean for years, working a program, has a sponsor, working steps actively, has a network, goes to meetings every week, etc.. Anyway, so remember that the people you've gotten to know in SR who are really working a recovery are the minority of addicts, and guage your choices realistically! Love, KJ |
Okay, sweetie, now that you've used me as an example (and it really is okay).... My family would not let me IN THE HOUSE when I was using. Yep, they loved me, no doubt about it. But you have to understand..I did not use around them. I lived 2 hours away. I sheltered them, as much as possible, from my using. The only time they saw what my life was like, was when my dad drove down there, and found me on the streets, and took me to lunch in the park. I didn't call, I didn't ask them for money, I didn't spend their money. That is a HUGE difference in what you are dealing with. When I relapsed, I left home...again. When I came back home, after the relapse, I was done with the drugs. I was sick as a dog, with bronchitis, I slept for 3 days, then I got on the internet, started applying for jobs, and 2 days later, I started going to work with my dad. Do you see the difference? I didn't just say "I'm sorry"...I ACTED!!! Within 3 weeks, I realized that I could not make enough money, working with dad, to pay back what I owed him (he did get me out of the financial mess I'd gotten into during my relapse..only because of my actions of trying to get a job right away). I tucked my tail, went to the company I'd been working for and begged for a job...I went to work that night. I paid my dad back every cent I owed him, in less than a month. Again, look at my actions, sweetie. In the past 6 months, I have been robbed and pistol-whipped at work, I have been dealing with a stepmom who is addicted to pain pills and a dad who is in denial, I have been dealing with issues at work that have put me further into debt. Any single ONE of these things could have easily led me back to crack. Judy has been dealing with her mom, she has neighbors from hell, her health is failing and she is in pain and can't breathe half the time...any one of THOSE things could lead her back to pills. Both of us are strong in our recovery because that's what we WANT, more than anything. Neither of us have anyone who is sitting there, taking care of us. If we go back to the drugs, we're on our own. Yes, my family and friends will still love me, but they certainly won't enable me. Think about it, hon....just because you say "I will not tolerate this..you use, you're out" it doesn't mean if he gets his act together and he continues to work on recovery, you can't reconsider things in the future. Hugs and prayers! Amy |
Amen to what Freedom said. She is so right on when she said she got it together only when there was no one left to help!! There's the answer! Move on with your life and take care of your child. I am happy that you took the baby with you ,as I think it's too risky to leave a child in the care of an addict! My son is 46 years old and I have picked up after his messes for years and years. It's only been the past months that I flat refuse to do one thing to help make his life comfortable. It's now or never and it's all up to him! We're not doing the addict any favors by giving them a soft place to land. Praying for you and Hubby Hugs, Devastated |
No words ... Just a big ol hug I love ya girl You've got my phone number - give me a jingle - Lets talk :ghug3 Passion |
Hi and thank you. I'm very fragile right now and I have to sit here and try to work and slap on a happy face when I really want to curl up and cry. Last night didn't go badly but it didn't go well either. I did take the baby to the church nursery and went to my bible study class. I don't know how I got through it except that I had to listen and there was very little interaction. My friend that knows what is going on sat next to me and was a source of strength. I almost hyperventiliated when I got in the van to go pick up the baby and go home. I prayed alot and told God I did not want to go home. I just didn't but my son was there. I wanted to hide. My husband and I did a little bit of talking but of course everything got turned around on me so we took turns acknowledging that blaming me for the woes of the world was not addressing the issues. I did explain that I was always the one left picking up the pieces and trying to salvage whatever was left of his most recent mess and that I resented that. I told him I'm not angry but maybe I am. At the very least, I'm getting bitter and I feel like he's betrayed us. I made him get up this morning (as opposed to sleeping in and feeling sorry for himself) and help me get the baby ready for daycare. I am tired of him being able to skirt responsibility so I did the co-dependent thing and tried to make him step up. I'm not proud of that. Then I told him that I wanted him to clean out the shed today and take stuff to the dump because it was becoming increasingly obvious that he was not going to be around either because he was in rehab or out on the streets and I wanted him to help me prepare and not leave me to do everything again. Of course that made him mad. He spoke to his "supervisor" last night. She is his substance abuse supervisor, like maybe in intern has a resident to report to. She told him that if he wanted to go to long term treatment, she would make it happen. I'm discouraged however because the conversation was only 30 minutes. I think she is beginning to realize her little protege is not God's gift to humankind and maybe has to eat some crow. He placed mutliple calls to his substance abuse counselor (the one she assigned him after his last relapse) and the guy has not called back. AH was telling me that because so much funding has been cut for all these programs, the only real option for him is a religious based inpatient program and he was not real hip on that. He thinks I want to get rid of him. I told him that I wanted him someplace safe where he can get healthy and reprioritize his life and if that's what it took..... I don't know what he's going to do. We've agreed that talking right now is not the best thing and that he needs to decide how bad he wants to get clean now. I'm tired of limbo and I'm tired of not knowing from day to day what addiction is going to do to my life. I've let myself be a victim of sorts and I know I need to take control of MY life back, much like he does. I have my card back. I will change the PIN today in case it falls into his wallet somehow. Callie, I was scared to post. We have talked about that. Anvil blistered me. Not what I needed at that particular moment. Amy, thank you. That 10% is what gives me hope. I know its not good odds but neither is the lottery and I find myself buying a ticket here and there. Sher, I'll call you when I can. I just don't know if I can face you right now sweetie. I know your disappointed in me. You and Judy have spent so much time trying to help me get this. This time is more shameful than the other times (for some reason). Maybe because I talked the good talk and now find myself back where I was a year and half ago doing the same thing....whining and crying. |
Mrs. Magoo, I don't think there is one single solitary person who has responded to you here who doesn't truly care for you and genuinely hurt for you. There are days I wish I didn't have the life experience as a codependent, having been married to an addict, having a 31 year old daughter who's an active addict, and as a recovering addict myself. For me, it's heart-wrenching to read of your struggles with someone who has repeated the same pattern over and over, and see such a jewel of a woman sell herself short, and miss out on so much of what life has to offer sans active addiction in her life. Every post I read from a struggling codependent has something in it where I see myself! Last year was probably the scariest one for me when I took the plunge at age 50 and enrolled in college full-time, but I am so glad I faced the fear and did it anyway. I wish you nothing but the best in life and a healthy recovery from codependency, but sadly I can't hand that to you. :( |
Thank you Freedom. Good for you for going back to school and doing something for you. I'm sorry that the pain of addiction has been a reoccurring theme in your life but I'm glad you pulled yourself out of it. I'm so glad. I'm glad that there are special individuals that can. Prayers for your daughter - I can't imagine how painful that must be!! I know I need to be a little gentle with myself right now but I think it's still too early. This really sucks. |
Originally Posted by MrsMagoo
(Post 2115464)
This time is more shameful than the other times (for some reason). Maybe because I talked the good talk and now find myself back where I was a year and half ago doing the same thing....whining and crying. Believe me MM, Many, MANY of have been there. My AH has been to THREE rehabs during the last 8 months. Every time I was hopeful, shortly after the fine people at SR picked me up off the floor a sobbing mess because no sooner than he got out he was right back at it. This time, I'm the MOST hopeful. But for whatever reason I'm hopeful from a distant. You will know more in the next few days/weeks what your AH will do. You can make the decision then. One thing that I've been thinking alot about lately is my TRUE feelings for AH. I do love him, I do care about him. BUT he's disrespected me, taken from me, shamed me, lied to me, provided for HIMSELF before his family, not been an equal partner, checked out of this world for 8 months while abandoning his family. While I DO still care about him, can I ever get passed the things he's done and look at him as a true partner or an equal? Can I ever look @ him with trust? maybe 5 years ago I could have. But now I can't. Can I in the future? Maybe, but although I'm pretty fragile right now, I'm not going to risk supporting or standing behind another relapse. Your AH is hardcore, just like my AH. They're doing HARDCORE drugs. It's not just a vicodin or a percocet. It's CRACK and HEROIN! To me, there's a difference. I know where you're at. Holding on partly because you want too, partly because you believe in him and partly because you feel like you owe him another chance, partly because you feel guilty of the quality of life that he'll have without you. Take your time and look at the big picture, your decisions will come and they will be the right ones. You said your AH got mad when you asked him to clean out the shed. That comment ticked me off for you. But I realize that my AH did crap to me like that every day - all the while living under the roof that *I* provided and eating the food that *I* bought. My friends could never understand how I could take that. They felt he should be on his knees begging for forgiveness and doing whatever it took to help me around the house. With AH, that never happened. Of course I heard "I love you, I don't want to loose you." His actions spoke way louder than his words though. Hang in there - it's a stressful time right now. You don't have to make a decision right this second. :ghug3 |
Originally Posted by MrsMagoo
(Post 2115525)
Thank you Freedom. Good for you for going back to school and doing something for you. I'm sorry that the pain of addiction has been a reoccurring theme in your life but I'm glad you pulled yourself out of it. I'm so glad. I'm glad that there are special individuals that can. Prayers for your daughter - I can't imagine how painful that must be!! I know I need to be a little gentle with myself right now but I think it's still too early. This really sucks. I went through it so many times that I eventually got to that point where I am indifferent. Whether that is good or bad I don't know. It just is what it is. The few times I see her face to face, I feel nothing. She has used the family up. She has profoundly influenced her children even though she doesn't have custody. I gave birth to her, but there is just nothing there anymore, if that makes sense. I did as my sponsor suggested the last time I felt the rage building over damage she had inflicted once again. I wrote a letter to her, tucked it back, re-read it in 30 days, added some more, and let it all go. Sending it to her would have served no purpose. It was for me, to get my feelings out, and to let them go. Sometimes I wonder if I had been able to detach from the enmeshment with her insanity sooner, if I would have been left with some semblence of love for her, but it's a moot point. Now, at age 31, she will most likely win her case for disability, and spend the rest of her life supported by taxpayer dollars, popping her Xanax and whatever else she can get the psychiatrist to prescribe that keeps her mind chemically altered. |
I agree Callie --- a little more humility and alot less ego would go a long way. What is it, Step 9 that has the addicts make amends? I've never gotten that and it makes me mad because everybody else has walked away but me although I have to admit, I've only been dealing with this for 3 1/2 years whereas every body else has had a lifetime of it. I felt sorry for him in a way. He did it. He gave them no choice. I'm a slow learner. I think the older I get, the more stupid I get. When I was 20 and had enough of my addict boyfriend (which didn't take long), I took my baby and moved to Chicago and enrolled in college. I didn't hesitate to put 2000 miles between us to ensure that our child was protected and I wasn't tempted (to take him back). Where did I go? |
(((((MrsMagoo))))) I hate to tell you this but you are not alone in the thrashing about of trying to get free of someone else's addiction. I have made leaps forward on to be thrown way back into believing my H's stuff so many times. I have just been so sick of myself so many times. It is like trying to get gum off of my shoe in a hot parking lot on a summer day. I know how you feel you want what is best for all concerned, you want your H to get clean, you want a happy normal family. I know I have had my life on hold for so long waiting on my H to straighten up and realize what he has:wtf2 My H blames everyone and has the worst attitude. I have left him and have seen him a few times since I have left and he is still wondering what I am going to do to make his life better. I am just wondering how long it is going to take for him to get his stuff out of my property...His time is running short. What I really want to say dear one is take very good care of yourself and your child and please be gentle with yourself!!!! |
MM.... you wondered if you were just "numb" or if your recovery is helping you. I think your recovery and knowledge is what is helping you! Good job on getting your card back! That is good you guys are staying in "Part B" right now. I'm thinking of you....... I'm praying that you don't get too wrapped up in the "crazy making" and that you find peace in whatever action you decide on taking. As you know...... staying in your recovery is where it's at! Peace xoxoxoxo |
I went home at lunch. Of course he was asleep and not cleaning out the shed like I asked him to. Anyway, right as I was leaving (I had to lay down and close my eyes for a minute cause they hurt so bad!), his supervisor called and asked him about outpatient treatment. I heard him say that he couldn't afford (I couldn't afford) outpatient treatment. She is waiting to hear back from the lady in inpatient treatment. Apparently there is some sort of halfway house here in town that she thinks he might be able to get into. I don't know how I feel about all this so I'm just going to wait. I was pretty adamament last night that I wanted him in inpatient treatment and that if he was serious about being clean, he should want it also (thank you SR!) regardless of where it was or for how long. I guess he's trying. I think between SR and my meetings (oh, did I mention I'm in leadership? lol), I am in a different place than I was. At least my face-to-face reactions are different. I went to jail in Feb. of last year because I didn't react so good. I assaulted a police officer because the SOB called the police and said I was out of control and a danger to my child. He was not only drunk but high and they carried me off to jail! I'm finishing my community service and go back to court on March 16th to have the case dismissed. I guess I need a babysitter since AH won't be watching the baby this Saturday (lovely - more money!). I typed this post without crying. Progress? baby steps..... |
Originally Posted by MrsMagoo
(Post 2115464)
This time is more shameful than the other times (for some reason). Maybe because I talked the good talk and now find myself back where I was a year and half ago doing the same thing....whining and crying. You know, I talk a lot - to other people and to myself - the reason i do that is because i'm trying to train myself. The more i verbalize what i should do the more i am able to do it when the real tests come up. No one here has been cured of their codepenancy - we're all still working through it. Somedays, some weeks, some years we do good and others we dont. But as long as we learn and come back to the truth then we are on the right path. Its a not a succeeding or failing situation - its just life. My first codie relationship was with my son's AD 16 years ago. I realized i was a codie then. Got rid of the guy and thought i was fixed. Then suddenly I'm being told that I'm codie with my AS. So just like the addict - I'm going to be codie all my life. I have to work at it not to do things that harm myself. If you were an addict and you fell off the wagon - everyone would just tell you to pick yourself back up and start again. Its no different. Before you go any further why dont you just forgive yourself? |
Hi I hardly ever reply because I am learning sooo much from everyone else. But, I did need to say MM please stop talking to your AH about the situation. I am just now learning that silence is golden. With my AH he was sooo use to hearing my voice and my plan and what he should be doing...... I found that it was wasted time that I could have been spending on me and my children. Everyone here says that over and over but, until this week it didn't click. I learned the less I talked the more VALID information my AH provided. I don't think no one out there has a bigger MOUTH or HEART than me LOL. But, I have learned that when I'm quiet he starts to wonder what I am thinking and how I would respond. I just don't say much at ALLLLL. I took the time to see that he is an addict and it does sound like we are nagging them when we talk even though we have good intensions. Use those good intentions on yourself right now. If he truely loves you, you will see it in his actions not his words. Wow I can't believe I just said that. That is what everyone told me and I ignored it to the point of my blood pressure being affected. Please if you never listen to any of my words. I have hindered my own life to the point where I put my last class for my PHD on hold while I played inspector gadget searching for awnsers and clues for my husband. MM PLEASE JUST DO YOU......... By that I mean LIVE YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!! If it is meant to be it will be. Because when the sun came up this morning you were still who you are and he was still who he is... Just pray that one morning he will wake and become a better him and will be able to assimulate(SP?) to the BEST YOU!!!!!! Hugs |
Call me thick, but I don't see where he's trying. When I relapsed after 4 years, I didn't have the luxury of going home and sleeping while waiting on phone calls. There was no one else in the home working, paying the bills, providing the food, and giving me a cushion to fall on. I was a single parent of two daughters. The youngest was still in diapers. I was working full-time. I had a choice. Either get back into recovery, or die and leave two daughters without a mother. There was no inpatient rehab, there was no outpatient, there was no halfway house option. I had already been given the tools I needed to stay clean/sober before I made the decision to relapse. So after two months of the most awful agonizing emotional hell (and working during those two months), I drug myself back into the rooms of AA. I clawed my way back out of that pit of living hell, inch by inch, moment by moment, day by day. I'm sorry. I just don't see 'trying' here. |
Originally Posted by MrsMagoo
(Post 2114330)
If he is going to be proactive in finding help, do I make him leave in the interim. |
"Mrs. Magoo" (Man, that feels weird referring to you as Mrs. Magoo! lol) I love you so much! (For those who may not realize it, I'm the Judy MM was talking about and others are referring to) We have gotten so close over the past, what, year maybe? So close that we refer to each other as our best friend. I have to say, at first I was a little bit puzzled why I had to find out about these latest revelations in a thread here on SR. But then I think I figured out why. I was surprised I didn't have my usual email today from you but I know your schedule so well that I remembered you had your Church Support Group last night. In the two emails you sent me yesterday, you were so hopeful after the events of the evening before that "this time was for real." I responded with my usual, "for your sake, I hope it is but . . . " You've told me many, many times that you hate to say to me, "You tried to tell me, you told me so." Honey, I don't like being "right" about certain situations or being able to predict what is more than likely going to happen next with you Hubby. But you see, I've been where he is for the most part, and an addict can pretty much predict one of the next moves of an addict in active addiction. I wish you could go back and re read all of the emails you sent me when he was OOT, working with Andy. You were happy, you didn't have all of this walking on glass that you are going through right now. You often said that you felt like a single Mom. . . and as far as parenting and running the household, you have been for a few years now. I cannot fathom having to drag a 2 year old out of bed everyday to take her to daycare when her Father is at home all day. I understand your fear of leaving her with him. I sure the hell wouldn't. But Sweetie, this is NOT normal or healthy! You try to convince yourself that you do this so your daughter has other kids to interact and play with. Ok, that's a plus. But the real reason is, her Father won't get out of bed because he's been up all night doing God knows what while you are sleeping. If he were working a third shift job, that would be different. I hear so much joy when he does, on rare occassion, get her up and get her dressed. In most marriages, these instances are just another day's activities. It saddens me when you share having only an hour's sleep the night before because your baby was throwing up all night. Then, you have to go to work in order to support your Family. I'll ask why your Hubby didn't get up with her and you'll say that he wouldn't or you didn't trust him to stay awake. That's crazy!!!!! He has no reason whatsoever to get clean and into Recovery. You continue to let him have your money card and take money out, yet you tell me that you are going to get it back and he will never have it again. Then two days later, you're upset and sharing that he took another $60 out. It's always, "I told him I want to see receipts for every penny he spends." Sweetie, you have got to take action, not for him, but for yourself and your kids! You cannot love him well, you cannot fix him, you cannot save him. I know you say that you're worried about where he will go. You need to let him deal with that! Does he worry about how the bills are going to get paid? He may say he is worried, but he doesn't make any effort to get a job to help out at all. There is always an excuse. Us addicts are masters of excuses and manipulation. You have shared that when he smokes crack, you point out to him that his job seeking is pretty much out of the question because if they want a urine sample for a drug screen, he will be dirty. He knows this! Bam! He's off scott free for a week. He knows you can't or shall I say won't, tell him to get up off the couch and go look for a job. It's so easy for him knowing that all he has to "tolerate" for his using is making the wife mad and listen to her b*tch for a day. Those are his only consequences so to speak. He doesn't even run out of cigarettes, he knows that if he whines a little about not having any, you will either get them for him or give him money to go buy them himself. I have shared with you so many different things that I did when I was using, things I am not proud of at all. You'll respond with saying that you cannot believe that I did these things. I had to hit my bottom and scratch my nails til they bled so to speak in order to be where I am at now. I had alienated everyone in my life, my son didn't want to come over, the rest of my Family was so ashamed of me, embarressed. I had no one to cover for me, keep giving me a money machine bank card and say, "Just make sure you bring me a receipt." "J" has to hit his bottom and I truly don't think he ever will if he has you to catch him every single time he falls. It's time for you to think about yourself and your kids. You always tell me to take care of myself, Honey, start taking care of you! It breaks my heart to hear the hurt in your voice and read in between the lines day in and day out. You know I had no money what so ever when I sought out detox and treatment. But I found it! With J being a licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor, he knows the ins and outs of the system. If it's something HE TRULY WANTED he would find somewhere. An addict has to be willing to go to any length in order to get clean and stay clean. In my honest opinion, and being an "insider" to the goings on in your life, I see him making no effort at all. We can all make phone calls, it's like talking the talk, but not walking the walk. Please start loving you! You didn't make him an addict, you didn't cause him to pick up, and you cannot, no matter how big that loving, caring heart of yours is, make him better. I love you, Judy |
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