A Rough Week
 

I came onto the forum just to let you know about ryan's funeral. The first thing I read was about Stephensmom. I am just devastated and I hurt so badly for her. Addiction is cruel and evil and I am very angry about Ryan's fraternity brother that first introduced him to heroin because Ryan was hooked from that moment. what a horrible way to live, if you can call it living at all.

Ryan's funeral Mass was beautiful. The church was packed; I didn't even know half the people. Ryan had oviously touched so many people and they loved him. We started with the song "Angel" by Sarah McLauglin. A perfect song, especially for one who has died of an overdose. The viewing the day before was so hard to go through. I do not think I could have gone through that without the support of family and friends. I talked with Ryan then and just kept patting his hands and rubbing his cheeks. I just needed to touch him, even if he was dead. Then just last Thursday was his burial, a touching ceremony. I hated that all 3 events were spaced out over 3 days but it couldn't be helped.
The last of my guests went home today. I do not know quite what to do with myself. Part of me wants to just cry my eyes out. The other part tells me to clean up and put things away and to start on my road to recovery.

Thank you for all you wonderful thoughts and prayers and for providing me with your support. Thank you also to those who sent me private messages. They were wonderful.

hey nenacarol.
(((HUGS)))
my heart is breaking reading your post and again I am so so sorry that you lost your son. It is exactly because on some level, daily, we all know addiction can end in an untimely death that it causes such a strong unmanageable reaction in those of us trying to deal with the addicted loved one.
I just finished an amazing book of poems called "Life as a Novice" by Jeffrey Kane. He lost his son five years ago. It's a pretty intense and moving little book.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family--
:praying
B.

(((nenacarol))))

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Let yourself do whatever you need to do. The grieving process cannot be denied, whether that be crying or cleaning. My heart breaks for you, and all parents especially, who lose to this horrible disease.

:praying

Hugs and prayers to you.

Be good to yourself

((((Nenacarol))))
I know your week was physically and emotionally draining. I'm not sure what is best for you right now when others have left; I just know that you need to be very gentle with yourself. If it helps you to clean, clean. If you need a good cry, please cry. I know for me, I sometimes had to keep moving and so my house was cleaner than it almost ever is. Other times I felt like I just could not get out of bed. But I came to understand what other moms here who have walked through the pain of loosing a child taught me, that each moment grieving can be different, and that there is no "right" way to get through it; just do whatever feels right in your heart.

I too am very connected with the song In the Arms of an Angel. To me it captures both the despair my daughter felt and the peace she has found. I have struggled too with forgiving the boy who told her she would feel good snorting heroin and that it wasn't bad since she wasn' injecting. I know he too was sick, and that has helped me let go of some of the anger and ask God to help him and to help me forgive him.

Ryan's services sound beautiful. I know he touched so many lives and I also know that his message is not forgotten. We may not ever know who our children helped, but I know they helped at least one person.

There is something very beautiful and touching I find when I go to my daughter' gravesite. First it was a white keytag...then a 30 day; a 90 day, a 6 month, nine month and now a year. Someone...someone touched by my angel, found sobriety because of Kristen. Her life had meaning and Ryan's life had meaning too. I hope the joys and wonder of Ryan's brief time with you will bring you comfort as you grieve for him. Many hugs of comfort and prayers too.

Prayers continue for you and your family

(((nenacarol)))

I'm sorry I didn't see your original post.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Just my opinion but I think the funeral isn't the hardest part- our feelings are not suddenly over. Grief and mourning is hard and takes time. Be kind to yourself.
Sending you a big cyber hug:ghug

Nenacarol,

You are so strong, so very strong. I just bet your son is so proud to have you for his mom. He will always be your Ryan and you will always be his mom. God bless him.
He would want you to take care of yourself. So do whatever you want to do, not what you think you should be doing or what others tell you to do. Just do what you want to do.

Blessings on you and your family........Lo

My thoughts are with you.

my thoughts and prayers are with you

Sending hugs and prayers. Marle

((((((((((nenacarol))))))))))



So very sorry for your loss.
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j2...ympathy014.jpg

Nenacarol,

Sending more Mother Hugs to you.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Colleen

(((nenacarol))))

I know all you have gone thru is just awful. I would like to point out just in case you did not know that there is a "grief forum" right here at SR. I send my support and prayers.

More hugs and prayers from mom to mom.

Cats

Nenacarol,
I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Well wishes coming your way at this difficult time.

Thank you so much for taking the time to share about the services and funeral with us in the midst of your grief :ghug2 :ghug2

You and your family remain in my thoughts and prayers...

Your son touched the lives of so many...

please accept my deepest condolences

Thinking of you tonight, Nenacarol. Keep coming back, sweetie.

Sorry for your loss.

You must be so tired, Nenacarol.
Please take extra good care of yourself right now.
I am just so sorry for your loss.
God bless Ryan...
and God bless you too.

I'm sorry I'm late on this, but am still sending you hugs and prayers.

Amy

Wondering if the person from the paper was there, and if he/she wrote a follow up to the not-so-nice article?

I know you're exhausted and I'm praying for your serenity. Your son will always be with you because he came from you. Nothing can put out the spark of life that resides inside you. May it nourish you and sustain you until you meet again.

CatsPajamas -

Good question. There were so many people at the funeral, i did not notice if the reporter came. so far no follow up article and i think maybe that is ok. i am now thinking of sending a letter to the investigator. i really wonder why they released my son to the County Work Program under "sheriff's supervision"
(what a joke!). His death was considered to be an inmate death while in custody. he was arrested feb. 17 because of a dirty urine test, an obvious probation violation. who in there right minds would release a drug addict two weeks later and give him all the freedom in the world to drive his car anywhere he wanted to go while not working CWP? where was the supervision part of the deal? he was allowed to fall through the cracks of the system. even the probation officer who arrested him in february apparently gave her approval for his release. they must not understand the disease of addiction very well or maybe they just don't care.

There will be so many whys, what ifs, and if onlys Nenacarol.
This is one of the loneliest painful roads that a Mother will ever walk.

I'm so glad the service was beautiful.

I have kept a candle lit for you and Stephensmom.

i am sorry about ryan. i am sorry for you. you have got to feel all the feelings that come with the lost of someone you love so much.take it a day at a time. my heart goes out to you. hugs & prayers,

please accept my heartfelt sympathy at the loss of your beautiful Ryan.

may the memories of the days untouched by the disease fill your heart,
prayers for you,
Rita

:Val004:
hugs and prayers from another mom. Ryan is no longer in this earthly pain and suffering. God's blessings for you both,
susan

(((nenacarol)))

I’m glad the service went well and I too find special meaning and comfort in “Angel”. We didn’t play it at my son’s service, but at the one-year candlelight vigil. I used music a lot to help me, especially during the first year. I have a long commute to work and would blast my favorites in the car … The City of Angels soundtrack, Josh Groban, and one I really love … Believe, Songs of Faith.

As Greet said, be very gentle with yourself and do only what you can. I know sometimes I couldn't do any more than what was right in front of me at the time, for fear I would break into a million pieces. Other times, it helped me to "do" something, anything to keep moving forward. It really can change minute by minute. Loving thoughts and prayers remain with you and Ryan :hug: