Standing my ground is very painful
 

My son who got into a wonderful rehab was kicked out. It seems that he drove the people crazy. I had to make him leave for my own sanity 3 months ago.
Now that he was kicked out, he has absolutely no where to stay. Not one single person.
He called me crying, begging me to take him in.
I found myself screaming and yelling and getting so upset I was nauseated. I wound up hanging up on him. It seems all he wants to do is make excuses for his behavior.
He has no insurance, no job and not one single penny.

He called back, and once again I found my voice getting louder. I hung up and realized I was getting caught up in the very insanity I made him leave for. I turned off my phone. It's just too much to take.

I hate it. I don't want to fear what will happen to him.
I think he's mentally ill, self inflicted due to drug use.
I can't help him.
I just feel so miserable because of it all.
Why is it that we have to constantly fear the call whe hope we never get?

I would love some encouragement. Thank you all in advance.

I think you are doing the right thing. I cannot imagine how hard it is as I have no children. You asked for encouragement.. you got it.

I wish someone had handled my XABF the way you are handling your son. If that had happened when he was young maybe he would not be an addict of 40 years?

We can do nothing and nothing changes. We can do something and nothing may change but we have increased the odds in our favor.

find out where he is call 911-he is a danger to himself as you say he is mentally ill--they will take him to the hospital--where they don't throw you out....let the pros take it then you won't have to worry.Or you can just leave him in the street.And you just may get that phone call you fear.

It's okay Wabbit,

Please don't believe he has nowhere to go. It's all manipulation. He is trying to guilt you into rescuing him from another one of his failures. When that didn't work he escalated into anger to shame you into rescuing him. He has places to go. There are shelters available. He is just trying to find an easier, softer way through you.

Regardless of whether you lost it or not, you did great! My boundaries are being pushed right now and since I am new at setting them I tend to get so frustrated I use anger to do it for me. Good thing I am not employed at the U.N. :)

Take care,

Lithloren

1==he is mentally ill
2==he is an addict
3==he has a mental disorder that got him kicked out of rehab
4==she is worried about him
5--with all the above he is a danger to himself and to others
6==no one can judge if this really is manipulation-let a pro decide that
7==some really have no place to go and not enough sense to figure out a shelter/alternative.

Sorry--I don't mean to be a bitch--I can see you are worried and angry-no disrespect to you--if you don't want to worry about him--and you are--the hospital for an evaluation is a good start. Better than leaving him in the street crying ...

Wascally, Do you know 100% for sure that he has nowhere to go or is this what he is telling you. Addicts lie to get what they want and right now he wants you to enable him. My daughter told me in March how bad her situation was and yet a month later she is telling me that she is doing good and for me not to worry about her. What that meant was that the abf now had money for drugs. Your son is looking to you for a bailout because you have always done it in the past when things got rough. Turning off your phone was a good first step. Now take a few deep breaths and try to remember the other times you have felt the same fear for your son and nothing has happened to him. Say a prayer and give him to his HP. Sending hugs and prayers for some peace for you. Marle

he may be lying--but are you positive--are you willing to take that chance?

Lithloren, I like the way you put that. I never thought that my anger was my way of dealing with not being able to set boundaries. Lightbulb moment for me. Thanks, Marle

Wascally, If you know where he is right now and you think that he is a danger to himself you can always call 911. You don't have to let yourself get sucked into the drama. They will send someone to evaluate him. If he is a danger they will take him to the hospital. If he is just pulling your chains then he will know not to do that in the future. Marle

What you ultimately decide to do is up to you and you WILL make the right decision for YOU at the time. And it's ok no matter what you do. I have a very VERY hard time giving up on my AH, as evidenced by my recent threads. Last night I sat with him for two hours trying to talk him down and get him to agree to rehab. Was that the safest or smartest thing for ME? Probably not...but he went and I feel better in the long run. I won't regret it.

I will say from experience that addicts are verrrry good at finding what they want. The things my AH has done to get drugs or use drugs, it blows my mind. MOST times the addict on the street is there because they choose to be, NOT because they have no where to go. There are shelters and detoxes and hospitals. What you could do is compile a list of phone numbers for these places and if your son calls for help give him the numbers. I would help my aH go to rehab but he could not come home because it wasn't safe for me or my son. If my AH choose to be out there and homeless, then I could do nothing to help him.

You are obviously upset and for good reason, so be gentle with yourself. Don't feel pressured one way or another. This is a horrible situation for anyone to be in, but remember if a rehab kicks someone out it IS for a good reason. rehabs are there to help, not screw people over.

Hugs and serenity to you....

So sorry you are going through this. No advice, but many BIG HUGS.
Terri

Wascally.

I wish I had an answer for you.
Man, I hate addiction. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

It sounds like you are doing the only thing you can do at the moment.
You've tried everything else, right?
When things are at at their worst and most painful, the only thing I could really do was offer the whole tangled up mess to my HP and let Him figure it out.
You didn't cause this.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

You're powerless. Back to step one...

Sending prayers for you and your son tonight.
I hope you find the peace and strength you need.

i think that you are doing the best you can, addicts are very resourceful, they can always find a place to do drugs and find away to get the drugs that they do, yet they depend on others for their true necessities.

i helped my ah until i was literally insane, and then when i was so sick that i couldn't help myself, he walked away. i believe if my family had been there to bail me out of everything then i wouldn't have found enough determination to fight my addiction.

i know that depression sometimes is a sympton of active addiction. keeping you and him in my prayers.

you are doing the best you can--no doubt--BUT you are not powerless--there are options

(((((((Wascally)))))))

Just wanted to send you some love and support, sweetie.
I know what your going through. I took my son to a hospital once
and told them that he tried to kill himself in his closet. Just so they would hold him for 72 hours to be evaluated. He got tired of waiting for a doctor to "do something" and wanted me to tell them the truth. That he was a junky and sick. Truth was, he wasn't even living in my house. I just told him I would ride him somewhere to get help. He wanted to leave and I had him 302'd. A danger to himself and others.

24 hours later, he was kicked out, because he had his gf bring him heroin into the ward, and he used in the bathroom.
He knew he couldn't come home, so he couch hopped from one "friend" to another.
A few weeks later, he broke into our house and stole alot.
You know the rest...
Your doing what you need to do for your own sanity. That's all you need to do right now. Breathe...
Know that we are here for you, with support, prayers, and love.
Your a good mom. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
All said with love and understanding.
http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j2...InHisHands.gif

if you are sectioned for 72 hours they do not''kick you out" for ANY reason--they can't legally--he is a danger--they have to keep him.As far as his girlfriend getting in and bringing him herion--HOW? They don't allow them to have visitors and the unit is locked. If you went to visit--they search your bag etc...very secure.In the hospital I worked in she would have been arrested--but he still would have had to stay...how did she get acsess to him--they even guard you in the ER prior to getting a room---sounds fishy.
Remember after the 72 hours you can go before a judge and have his time extended to 30 days(against his will)and then you can do it again for another 30---you can even have him commited to a state mental institution for a year---horrible I know--but he will be clean won;t he...it at least gives him time to think clearly. And maybe none of it will work--who knows--but for over a year or a few months--you know where he is--you know he is eatting-has a roof over his head-individual and group counseling---some time for the fog to clear out of his brain. To me it's worth the try...I did it all short of the institution--because by then he was in recovery--but It was the next step and I would have done it to him--He is my son--I want him alive.

Ya know what, Sunflower?

Uh, never mind.

i feel for you.i am pretty much where you are with my son but he does not ask to come here.i feel bad for them.it actually breaks my heart but we can not do it any more.prayers for you & your son.

Ahahahahahahahahahahah

Thank you Book!!!

Lithloren

((((((((((Wascally)))))))))
You know sometimes what we fear usually doesn't happen. We always fear the worst. I agree with Teke, they are very resourceful people. Sounds like you are really being strong. I know how upsetting all of this drama can be. If you can't deal with it you did the right thing, don't answer the phone. I had my daughter 302'd once. She spent 2 weeks in the hospital. She got clean, at least for a while.

Take care and stay strong. Prayers for you and your son.........Lo

if you disagree with my post just PM me-I am very openminded. She was wondering what to do-concerned--and I told her what some options were. I am a take action kindof person--this is not a game..If you come here for a pat on the back and to be told''there there just think about yourself now'' I didn't realise it. I come here for education--wether I agree or disagree with what people posts.
I told her what worked for me and some others I know....something wrong with that? Can't sugar coat addiction. She has choices to make and they are hers alone--I feel her pain. In the end if something did happen she would live a life of guilt. Sometimes letting professional handle it is a good idea.She says he is mentally unstable--thats scary for her.It was for me too!
Wabbit to you I apologise if I offended you in anyway--not my intention,
but my son is clean--that shows the results of my forced treatment--I wanted him alive by any means needed....
And bookmiser???uh nevermind its too childish-but I am an RN and I do know how psych units work--they don't kick you out unless they want to be sued---so they don't ever---you get wild they lock leather you to a bed and shoot you up with Ativan...and the psych units ARE locked 24/7

Ok, everyone take a breath and chill out. Remember why we are here...for Wascally Wabbit and this is about her particular issue, not our own.

Hugs!

OK I don't get it--are we playing little kid games here?
--I shared with everyone my own personal knowledge and experience as an RN
don't worry I won't give anymore ofmy personal experiences as a mother or a nurse anylonger. My son is sober I don't need to be here anymore to be subjected to this crap.
If I post I will just use the standard around her''''''you are wonderful-take care of you''''''
Sorry wabbit that this happened to your post when you are already dealing with so much pressure.......PM me if you want to talk to an adult.

Wascally,

I've set my boundaries and will not let my son live with me, but when I think he is in danger I have him taken to a hospital. I've learned to tell the difference from manipulation and real danger most of the time. Either way he can't live with me when in active addiction. I've had him taken to the hospital 3 times and each time had positive results. It did not cure his addiction, but it got him past the suicidal depression.
He will either have to threaten suicide or threaten others to have him taken in. Just being homeless is not enough. He can also admit himself.

There have been other times when my son was just without a place to go because of the choices he made and this is a different situation. Being homeless was a consequence of his own choices. There were times he had to steal food. There were a few times he was arrested. These were all his own consequences. There really is a difference between mental health issues and bad choices and manipulation. It's tough to make decisions in the middle of it. If I am in real doubt not knowing which way to go I have him taken to the hospital if I can. If he threatens to harm himself you can call 911.

You can also have numbers of shelters on hand to give to him. He can stay the night in a hospital emergency waiting room. They usually don't know who is waiting to be seen. He can check himself into a mental hospital if he wants help. They can help him locate treatment. He has lots of options. If he won't choose any of the options there isn't much you can do if you can't get them to take him in.

There are risks to their addiction and sometimes we can't change that. I've tried just about everything. Rehabs, hospitals, psychologists, psychiatrists, jail, picking him up off the streets, having him live with me, kicking him out homeless, you name it. They will find the way when they are ready. The more I can give him responsibility for his own life and recovery the better chance he has. Any time I can let him pay natural consequences for his choices he has a better chance of changing his choices.

Most of it is out of my control and it's very, very hard sometimes.

Hugs,
MG

(((MG))) Excellent post, thank you.

Dear WW, It is so hard & I am so sorry you r having to go through it.
Prayers for you & your son,
Love,
Diane

I agree that addicts are extremely resourceful when they want something. If he really really wants to turn his life around he will figure out how to do it.
Good for you detaching yourself from getting caught up in that phone call again. You are doing the right thing. Just breath and give yourself a hug. And here's one from me to you! (((HUG)))

Here it is Mother's Day. I am driving 2 hrs to see my mom, but niether of my own children can see me. How terrible and I bet that's happening to a lot of us.

I want to thank every single one of you for your encouragement. It means so much to me, it gives me options, and it helps me think.

The mentally ill part is what every user suffers: the inability to think clearly, the chaotic behavior, the insanity, the fears and the dread they all feel.

I will be back later today when I get back from my moms. Thank you so much once again. Without this board, I would truly feel all alone.

Hang in there. As we heal it gets easier...I think.
I empathize with you. My MIl is going through the same thing with my AH and BIL. We talked yesterday bout getting life insurance policies, due to the sad reality that they are worse then they have ever been