live thank you for the tip!

Good luck at Al-Anon, if by any chance you might be disappointed, you can try other meetings, diff times, diff places, diff days, all should have different people. Keep trying, it is so worth it, we are usually critical when new. (smile) Al-Anon has saved lives. hugs

Nope. But even more "usual" was your response. You got upset by her words. You listened. You were harmed by her addiction. You are still asking questions that lead me to believe you think something you do or something you say will keep her/get her/make her... sober or not sober. Knowledge about addiction in general can be good, but about addiction in particular in a loved one has been, for me, more about wanting to control the addiction.

Nothing you do, nothing you say, nothing you don't say, nothing nothing nothing will make her drink/use or keep her from it.

Her recovery is all about her. It is for her. It is by her. It is hers.

.... and do you have any idea how often I have to relearn THAT lesson? (grin... REAL often).

Those of us who love addicts.... we REALLY love them - we want the best life for them.... we are willing in fact to give up OUR life to make that happen. But even giving up our lives does not change the addiction.

The hardest thing I have ever done was to turn each of my addict children out into the street with no skills, no jobs, and drug affected maturity (otherwise known as IMMATURITY)... when my entire being, up until then, was to CARE for them.

But to save ME so there would be any part of me left when they finally decided to get and stay clean and sober... I had to do it. Their addiction got so painful, all I wanted was "off this planet". It got so the pain was so constant that all I could think of was ways to make it stop.

Alanon gave me those ways. I didn't think so at first, but after attending awhile, I began to not only get it "intellectually" (the steps are simple), but to be able to apply it in a practical way to my life (the steps are some days so hard to apply that it seems impossible) and to find that easier as time went on (whaddya know - the steps are not impossible).

I hope you can find something in this very long post to relate to and find a way to figure out how to be happy and enjoy life, whether the addict/alcholic you love is still using, or not.

And now after letting that sit on my screen for hours, I see your note!

I do hope you can find what I have found at Alanon.... some of the most caring and wonderful folks on the face of the earth (well, of those I've MET... smile).

((((GAC)))))

what's frustrating also, is she always projects what her soon to be ex husband would have done.
GAC- when i d do this, he 'd do that so naturally you (GAC) must do this also.

Clancy and BigSis gave you some things to think about...for you
Why are you still repeating the same stuff you said earlier....
Hopefully, you will take a break from that and just think about
how you can help yourself......sigh.....

with all due respect pm
i am trying...i have been on the phone for 2 hours trying to find all available meetings, in fact, one number tells me it is wednesday.
i am trying to improve my life as well, and it seems that now that i am trying, Kathy tried to drag me back into the addiction part of it and i will NOT go backwards into that, i am trying to improve.

I guess what I am trying to say is that every post you make
Kathy is a the center of it, heck she is all of it. I personally
would like to hear more about you and how you are doing.
Kathy has her own issues, her own program to deal with.
We are a forum for friends and family that have been affected
by someone else's drinking problem...we are here for you.
Kathy has AA and a whole support group for her if chooses to do so.

i am struggling because of this, and of the addiction, and how it puts tension between her and me.
I am struggling because she often projects past experiences on me

so I AM STRUGGLING and hurting because of this addiction
and it puts a lot of pressure on her and my relationship

I am really sorry you are struggling with her addiction....

Basically that is the very reason most of us are here...we came here in pain, struggling, confounded, confused.

Keep coming back, read and post...it will get better for you.

It takes time, I am glad you are trying.
As pmaslan said, she has all kinds of support if she goes to AA and a therapist.

So tell me something ....

We know her drinking/soberity is causing you pain.... What is your plan for getting out of the pain? Are you ready to do something about it?

alanon

reading codependent no more

I am re-reading that one again myself.

GAC -

Go back and reread the July 1 ODAT I posted..

reread it a few times..

she is texting me now like nothing happened

should i tell her im goin to alanon tonight??

why would you need to do that?

Personally, I would advise you to not respond at all.
This nothing happened ploy is so very common.