Is this addict/alcoholic behavior?
 

Well Kathy is hanging in there somewhat after our latest "tiff" the other night.
We took daughter out for dinner last night and as we were leaving Kathy said wow i really feel the cravings, i used to come here to this restaurant after drinking. Well we went to her house and she went to bed, I stayed up and worked on cleaning house for a showing of the house (it is for sale) this afternoon. Well she was quite lethargic, and anxious, and depressed and as the day went on seemed a bit better. Well then she dropped me off at my house at 5:00 pm.....sent me a text telling me thank you so much for all your help with the house, i dunno what i d have done without you.


2 hours later she goes on a texting rampage accusing me of lying to her and breaking a promise and "her instincts are telling her i am lying and that i should just come clean with her now cause if she finds out i was lying she is leaving".

i called her and said i realize you are stressed, overwhelmed with alot of stuff and depressed, anxious, etc but there is no need to take it out on me.
I ve kept up my end of the bargain, no more lying etc and that i love her and if she needs a hug or to talk or get coffee etc that she can call and tell me t hat but that her accusations insulted me and hurt me and she had no right to say those things to me.

A little bit after the voice mail i got a text asking if it was still storming outside?

I said yes and wished she was here to watch (we like to watch storms)
and asked if she had cravings.

I ve not heard anything since.

help?

Now that I go to Al-anon, it has really helped me detach from the crazy roller coaster of living with an alcoholic. Basically, I do not ask my alcoholic daughter anything about her drinking, her AA visits, her recovery, etc..

If she offers the information, then I listen, but I am not her therapist or sponsor. I'm just someone who loves her. This is called loving detachment and it has really helped me gain some peace of mind.

Is it alcoholic behaviour? Well, alcoholics are erratic, emotional, unreliable, and any number of other unpleasant things. They are just really hard to live with. Until the person has a solid three months of recovery, their behaviour is probably messed up in general, whether they are drinking or not.

well she the first stab at recovery had 76 days sober....now as far as i know she has 8 days sober, but she has been missing her meetings again.
:(

GAC -

Can't remember, but are you going to Al-Anon meetings or a therapist? What are you doing for your support?

i am going to start going to al-anon meetings soon
I am hoping there is one tonight.
I knew this would be a roller coaster but
to have her filled with praise and happiness and then 2 hours later
telling me i am lying to her , etc......

I really think that Al-Anon will help you..you'll have face to face support with people who have been there...

Also - going to open AA meetings will help give you an understanding of the disease...

Only you can get off the rollercoaster - by focusing on yourself..

is what she did last night unusual?

I ve not heard anything from her since last night when she asked me if it was raining/storming here.

I know she is cleaning house as she has a big open house this weekend and had stated we'd not get much time together this weekend due to her needing to work on the house, but....after what she did last night, feels weird being in limbo

The whole point GAC - is not whether what she is doing or not doing - but for you to get the focus off of her..and on to you.

As F&F of A's we spend inordinate hours focussing and obsessing about what they are doing..

These are precious hours that we can spend on making our life better and more peaceful..

Get it?

You can never understand what is going on in an A's mind - or anyone's mind for that matter.

That was not unusual behavior for my ex-abf... he would switch moods/decisions at a drop of the hat...

Minix is right though, you will never figure them out... there is just no understanding how their minds work. I suggest just getting busy with the job of living your life, see if you can attend a meeting and keep getting educated about the disease.

Do something special for yourself today

i understand minx....just really bothers me that at one moment she is thanking me for all i did for the house and then turnign around and accusing me over and over of lying to her (which i have not done)

And you can find a lot of relief for those feelings by attending Al-anon and working your own recovery program.

There is no logic to how the alcoholic behaves - it is guaranteed to make you crazy - it doesn't make sense - you really have to step off the roller coaster.

God Bless

i did call an alcoholic/drug addiction helpline and talked with them for quite awhile. They thought Kathy was trying to get me to fight so i could "feed the addiction" by giving her reason to "justify" her going to drink etc, and when i would not fight and instead showed backbone and love, that the fight went out of her. Thoughts?

Yes..that's true..she could be looking for a reason to drink..

AND you will learn more tools in Al-Anon to help retain your sanity..

There are 3 C's of Alcoholism: you didn't cause it, you CAN"T CURE IT, and you can't control it..

remember that in the upcoming days...

yea it hurts to see her struggle this way , and even more so when she lashes out at me.

one thing i just remembered. She mentioned yesterday that her soon to be ex husband would lie to her etc when she d get into this mode, so I guess it does make sense that when she is in this mode, she'd feel like "gac MUST be lying coz xh used to do that all the time when i d feel low etc..

Dude....you really need to do something for yourself....
You spend way too much time focusing, thinking and guessing
about this woman....you need your own life....

pm yep i am going to my first alanon meeting tonight!

whew......glad to hear that

yea i need to get that support.

Have you read the stickies at the tops of the anon forums? They are very helpful and insightful!

live thank you for the tip!

Good luck at Al-Anon, if by any chance you might be disappointed, you can try other meetings, diff times, diff places, diff days, all should have different people. Keep trying, it is so worth it, we are usually critical when new. (smile) Al-Anon has saved lives. hugs

Nope. But even more "usual" was your response. You got upset by her words. You listened. You were harmed by her addiction. You are still asking questions that lead me to believe you think something you do or something you say will keep her/get her/make her... sober or not sober. Knowledge about addiction in general can be good, but about addiction in particular in a loved one has been, for me, more about wanting to control the addiction.

Nothing you do, nothing you say, nothing you don't say, nothing nothing nothing will make her drink/use or keep her from it.

Her recovery is all about her. It is for her. It is by her. It is hers.

.... and do you have any idea how often I have to relearn THAT lesson? (grin... REAL often).

Those of us who love addicts.... we REALLY love them - we want the best life for them.... we are willing in fact to give up OUR life to make that happen. But even giving up our lives does not change the addiction.

The hardest thing I have ever done was to turn each of my addict children out into the street with no skills, no jobs, and drug affected maturity (otherwise known as IMMATURITY)... when my entire being, up until then, was to CARE for them.

But to save ME so there would be any part of me left when they finally decided to get and stay clean and sober... I had to do it. Their addiction got so painful, all I wanted was "off this planet". It got so the pain was so constant that all I could think of was ways to make it stop.

Alanon gave me those ways. I didn't think so at first, but after attending awhile, I began to not only get it "intellectually" (the steps are simple), but to be able to apply it in a practical way to my life (the steps are some days so hard to apply that it seems impossible) and to find that easier as time went on (whaddya know - the steps are not impossible).

I hope you can find something in this very long post to relate to and find a way to figure out how to be happy and enjoy life, whether the addict/alcholic you love is still using, or not.

And now after letting that sit on my screen for hours, I see your note!

I do hope you can find what I have found at Alanon.... some of the most caring and wonderful folks on the face of the earth (well, of those I've MET... smile).

((((GAC)))))

what's frustrating also, is she always projects what her soon to be ex husband would have done.
GAC- when i d do this, he 'd do that so naturally you (GAC) must do this also.

Clancy and BigSis gave you some things to think about...for you
Why are you still repeating the same stuff you said earlier....
Hopefully, you will take a break from that and just think about
how you can help yourself......sigh.....

with all due respect pm
i am trying...i have been on the phone for 2 hours trying to find all available meetings, in fact, one number tells me it is wednesday.
i am trying to improve my life as well, and it seems that now that i am trying, Kathy tried to drag me back into the addiction part of it and i will NOT go backwards into that, i am trying to improve.

I guess what I am trying to say is that every post you make
Kathy is a the center of it, heck she is all of it. I personally
would like to hear more about you and how you are doing.
Kathy has her own issues, her own program to deal with.
We are a forum for friends and family that have been affected
by someone else's drinking problem...we are here for you.
Kathy has AA and a whole support group for her if chooses to do so.

i am struggling because of this, and of the addiction, and how it puts tension between her and me.
I am struggling because she often projects past experiences on me

so I AM STRUGGLING and hurting because of this addiction
and it puts a lot of pressure on her and my relationship

I am really sorry you are struggling with her addiction....