An alternative version of the 12 Steps
 

Empowered Recovery’s Version of Al-Anon’s 12 Steps

December 2001 - Updated June 2002

Empowered Recovery is not a 12-Step program. However, there is value in looking at Al-Anon's 12 Steps through the eyes of Empowered Recovery.

The following steps were influenced by Jyude A. Allbright’s “Soul Steps.”


1. We admitted we are powerful beings, yet, are powerless over others—that our lives only appeared unmanageable.


2. Came to believe in the indomitable power of the Human Spirit; and that we already have what it takes inside of us to restore us to sanity.


3. Made a decision to turn within ourselves to connect with our rational Higher Self in order to determine positive solutions to negative circumstances.


4. Gave ourselves permission to be afraid of taking an honest moral inventory, but did so anyway in an empowered way.


5. Admitted to ourselves and others our role in contributing to a dysfunctional relationship.


6. Were entirely ready to accept personal responsibility for our lives and effect positive changes to negative circumstances within our control.


7. Humbly embraced the human right of Free Will, recognizing that only we alone can remove our shortcomings through Self-Acceptance, Self-Responsibility, and positive action.


8. Made a list of all persons we thought we harmed—beginning with ourselves first—and saw the healing power of Self-Acceptance and the willingness to make amends.


9. Made direct amends to anyone we believed we harmed so long as doing so would not harm them further, and were at peace even if our amends were not accepted.


10. Continued to take personal inventory, being careful not to assume personal responsibility for that which was not ours, and then made appropriate behavior changes as necessary.


11. Sought through deliberate inner contemplation to connect with our rational Higher Self to accept personal responsibility and change only the things we can change to the benefit of all concerned, but especially with regard to ourselves and our children.


12. Having had a spiritual awakening to the harmful effects of a codependent-alcoholic relationship, we continue to grow in self-awareness, and give back to the world by helping others to grow also.

wow!
wish I'd written that!
I'm going to print that one out, thanks

J

Hi Jane!

I found this on www.empoweredrecovery.com

This is actually how I have learnt to interpret the 12 Steps for myself and it makes life so much easier. Each to their own and all that.

Sounds like a plan to me.
Nice one Minnie :)

I like that minnie a lot.

Like it!!

:)
That site looks very very interesting. Thank you for the stimulating start to my day!
Off out to a school to be inspired by the genuine smiles on the kids' faces. Their eyes smile, it's the nicest thing.

J
xxx

Excellent! This is EXACTLY where my head is at! This is exactly how I rationalized the changes I needed to make in my life and the methodology to do so! Just never could have articulated it so well... Thanks minnie!

I like this a lot. That #9 has always been a hard one for me. Not the amends-making part, but the being at peace if it's not accepted part.

This makes me wince!
segment 3: Resolution

Segment 3 is where the power behind Empowered Recovery lies: Resolution. Because of the Resolution segment, Empowered Recovery is unique and stands apart from every other non-alcoholic recovery program. Empowered Recovery doesn’t settle for a random, ambiguous, and endless discussion of techniques that serve to keep a non-alcoholic in a dysfunctional alcoholic relationship. Empowered Recovery strongly emphasizes practical steps and principles that help clear the non-alcoholic’s cloud of confusion, and empowers him or her to resolve the situation permanently.



There is simply no valid reason on earth why a non-alcoholic should endure a long-term and pointless existence in a dysfunctional alcoholic relationship when that relationship is not improving. More definitively, Empowered Recovery maintains that it is not healthy, prudent, or necessary to continue in and suffer through an abusive alcoholic relationship when the alcoholic either (1) will not take active steps to recovery; or (2) does not see the need to take active steps to recovery.



Empowered Recovery teaches the non-alcoholic problem-solving techniques and strategies to help in resolving the serious issues affecting the relationship. Empowered Recovery is not circumspect in maintaining that there is always a solution to every codependent-alcoholic relationship: (1) the alcoholic recovers; or (2) the non-alcoholic leaves the relationship. Of course, recovery of the non-alcoholic is implied and essential in either outcome.



This is not to say that Empowered Recovery promotes separation or divorce as the only solution to correcting a codependent-alcoholic relationship. Every reasonable effort should be made to heal the relationship and keep the family intact if possible (and desirable). However, to heal and correct a codependent-alcoholic relationship requires the efforts of both the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic. If the alcoholic is not interested in recovery, then there is little other choice than for the non-alcoholic to leave, lest the family be subjected to further harm or violence. No matter how strong one’s desire, love, or efforts may be, the non-alcoholic simply cannot control another person, especially an alcoholic.



Many alcoholic recovery programs teach that those affected are “powerless over alcohol.” While heated debate over this issue continues among researchers as it relates to alcoholics, Empowered Recovery strongly disagrees with this concept as it relates to the non-alcoholic. The alcoholic may or may not be “powerless over alcohol,” but the non-alcoholic is most certainly not powerless. Quite the contrary, Empowered Recovery teaches that the non-alcoholic is in the best position to correct the situation and protect the family from further harm. Furthermore, it is the non-alcoholic’s moral responsibility to do so (since the alcoholic is usually incapable). This may sound codependent at first glance, but the nature of alcoholism usually prevents the alcoholic from seeing his or her disorder as the primary agitating aspect of the family’s dysfunction. However, the non-alcoholic can see it, and is usually more agreeable and able to effect positive change within the family.

They appear to promote leaving and quite honestly the implication that Al Anon is merely about coping is tiresome. Al Anon is all about empowerment and choice.

Oh and what if that Alcoholic is your child as it is in my case??

Those are great Minnie.
I think a big part of recovery is getting in touch with our "higher self".
Oh, and JT...I'm wincing right along with you.
I couldn't get my focus narrow enough to relate to that passage.
It seems to ignore a vast population of people who deal with alcoholic loved ones.

JT - I have no idea about ER's opinion on non-partner alcoholics as I am not in that position.

I really can't see anything outrageous about this stance. Am I missing something?

S'alright, I've figured it out myself. Of course there are many reasons why someone might choose to stay with an alcoholic and it is not my (or anyone else's) place to judge. I'm sorry if I've caused offence. However, I will continue to add to my knowledge and share it here.

I think this version of twelve steps is much more inclusive to a wider population which has to be an advantage.

I do wish though that there was less centering full stop on powerlessness 'v' control. I noticed even in the above it required to accept we are powerless over others, if that's the case what are we all doing here?

We can't control others, we are NOT responsible for others but powerless suggest a lack of any influence at all. I know full well it's other human being that have played the major part in influencing my development as a human being. Conformity (the effect groups have on an individual) is well researched and shown to be very powerful. People close to us especially have some influence - again this should NOT be confused with control or responsibility beyond their own actions.

The comfort zone offered by black and white thinking is often short lived - I think in the long run it leads to further confusion, doubt and self doubt.

That long standing niggle out the way - I also struggle to comprehend staying in an abusive relationship. I understand it acedemically but emotionally I think I'd throw a wobbler in that situation. I could never see myself staying where abuse outweighed respect. Dysfunctional? Uhmmmm maybe that's different, I think we keep learning in any relationship and to some extent a large part of that is about weeding out dysfunctional bits. Again I don't see an absolute black and white to it, more a learning curve towards healthier, more functional ways of interacting.

Re-word the steps anyway you want...it seems that this version has the same basic spirit.

The problem I have is when a "program" specifically sights another program as faulty...thereby "our way is better". I understand that ER says if Al Anon is not working consider us...there is money being made on some level at the expense of people like us.

I am a huge proponent of choice. That being said I am also a huge proponent of getting out if there is abuse. So is Al Anon. If there is no abuse then one can afford to take some time to educate, center yourself and make an informed, level headed choice. Anyone that says either the alcoholic gets into recovery or leave doesn't get my vote.

No offence at all Minnie...there is an ongoing undercurrent along these lines around here all the time.

Cool

As far as I can see, ER isn't doing this. In fact, the "basic text", if you like, is a free, downloadable e-book. Which is more than al-anon literature is - and I say that as a huge supporter of al-anon.

I know...keep digging. I would be suprised and admittedly impressed if that was not the case.

Al Anon literature is purposely very inexpensive and I have never seen anyone being denied anything that they could not afford.

Gotta go!

I'm confused - am I missing currents? Am I a part of this? Is it wrong? No-one here's trying to make money out of it. JT I really respect you but this has just left me absolutely confused - is the undercurrent any discussion about Al-Anon that isn't 100% pro?

I know there have been some critical threads but I can't see any relation to them in this post.

Please unconfuse I!!

Edit - I said texts insteads of threads! DOH!!

The reason this struck a note w/ me is my situation was this: second marriage, no children of the marriage, my history of an A father while in my teens..
I had a very low tolerance of subjecting myself and my children to an emotional and verbally abusive AW or A step mother, so.. she is now my exAW.

Now applying this approach to an A son or daughter, or spouse w/ children together... very different situation all together.. I doubt anything ever written or discovered could ever be ALL INCLUSIVE..

ok here's my $.02 worth. I believe that the friends and S/Os we choose are reflecting aspects of who we are to ourselves. My children press my heart and make me get honest.

In all honesty I have wanted to completely separate myself from all the other people who are drinking and drugging in my life. But, doing that is not going to get the compulsive behavior out of my life because I am compulsive and obsessive. I can try to sever myself but, I beleive if I am unhealthy everything around me is going to reflect that to me.

THe healthier I get the healthier my relationship will be.

At the alanon group I go to for f2f support there is a little talked about division between the ones who left the relationship and the ones who stayed. It took me a while to figure it out. I stayed so I get pushed towards a certain group even if I liked what one of the leavers said and try to talk to them about it I subtly get moved to the stayers side.

My sponcer and I have talked about it... she was left by her unrecovered AH after years and years of living with him and it was quite a blow to her. She is the one who brought it up cause she noticed that I wouldn't stay put in my subtly designated place. I asked what what she doing being my sponcer then? She couldn't really answer it and it is pretty much a secret at this group that she is my sponcer. I go to AA meetings with her some too and study the steps with her she is much more open and friendly with me at AA than she is at alanon. But, you know part of me has left my H. The sick part okay... I told my sponcer that the other day. To me the flip side of that is leaving the A phyiscally but, the sick part stays with them. This is still more about my disease than it is about his my disease is harder for me to reckonized cause just like all my other As I don't want to look at it okay. It's much easier for to to tell one of my As hey I saw you down in the hood the other day. Where's the "hood" in me how am I like a prostitute standing on the corner looking to make enough money to get myself a fix, how do I abondon myself and my relationships, what I am doing to myself, cause what I am doing is just as deadly as what my As are doing how am I going to let go of my own sickness? Do I want to get well or do I want to ride on the back of some other person blaming them for how messed up my life is...

phew

Got it in one!!:) <!-- / message -->

Equus...what Splenda said. There is a bit of division between the stayers and the leavers...(I am a Cleaver..lol). Staying or leaving is constantly discussed around here and in the rooms as well. That's all I was talking about.

Also people often misunderstand Al Anon as a way to learn to live with alcoholism. It is no such thing. And there have been plenty of threads along those lines around here too. Not now...but since day one. Know what I mean?

Oh and I never thought anyone here was making money. My experience with many alternatives that pop up is that they are formed to make money....if not primarily then at least on some level. There is a lot to made in this area and it can be exploited.

For a "program" to so blatantly promote leaving seems irresponsible to me. How can someone who is severly affected by years of living with alcoholism make that decision? In ER the decision has been made for the person. I can see that there are people who would find that appealing.

JT,

Please allow me to address a couple of points...

Just for the record, I've never made a dime off Empowered Recovery. Quite the opposite... I've spent countless thousands of hours coaching and helping people at my own expense. I also cover the costs of hosting ER out of my own pocket. I don't even ask for donations. The only products I have are ones associated with my professional websites, which are also linked to ER. I've also given my products away to my online group for free at least two times.

As you can see, I have strong ethical issues with charging anything for helping others with alcoholic relationships.

May I suggest you read ALL of the information at my site, including my FREE eBook before you draw conclusions as to what I think or don't think regarding recovery.

I'm afraid that you are not the first person to criticize ER, nor will you be the last. But here is what I have learned from those who criticize me or ER: It doesn't matter how right you are; it doesn't matter how honest you are; it doesn't matter how well-intentioned you are. Some people will like you. Some won't. Some people will agree with you. Some won't.

I found that Al-Anon didn't work for me and many others. So I developed an alternative approach. Al-Anon has helped many people. So have I. Everyone is not cast out of the same mold. Different things work for different people.

JT, I know you feel the pain of an alcoholic relationship. So did I. I'm human. I have feelings. I am doing the best I can to help others minimize or avoid suffering as you and I have. I can't tell you how many times I've thought about just quitting the whole thing. But until people stop benefitting from my experience, I'll keep offering it.

Perhaps there is something to learn from my painful experience as reflected in ER. The very reason that so many people have been affected by alcoholism for "so many years" is the very reason why ER exists. I'm tired of being affected by alcoholism. Aren't you? That's why I believe that we must resolve an alcoholic relationship, even if that means leaving the relationship.

I wish you well.

Doug Kelley
Founder of Empowered Recovery.

My .02 worth :-)

Any improvement in a persons life is good. No "program" is perfect. Everybody flounders about looking for a way to better their life until they find something that helps. Some folks do well in one "program", then move on to another. Other folks do well in one program, then learn to adapt that program as they grow.

All programs have _some_ fault, somewhere, that makes them incapable of helping _everybody_ on the planet. The trick is to find a program that is flexible enough to allow _me_ to adapt said program to my needs.

As an abused child I would have been eternally grateful if my abusers had adopted _any_ program, no matter how twisted or expensive, and stopped abusing me for just one day. To me that would have been progress.

I'm not going to analyze this "ER" program and find faults in it. That's a waste of my time. If somebody else wants to try out this "ER" program I would be delighted to hear how it _worked_ for them. I'm interested in results and experience, not opinions.

Oh Minnie, making an e-version of a book is a _huge_ amount of work. Especially if it's not already in some kind of electronic form. If you would like to volunteer to help with the conversion of Al-Anon text to e-books call up the Al-Anon central office, they'd love to hear from you. The biggest challenge right now is not conversion to electronic, but distribution in many countries where any woman who even _thinks_ of being respected and empowered risks getting beaten to death. 'tis just a matter of priorities.

BTW, the AA Big Book, english version, is already electronic and free to download.

Mike :-)

Minnie & DRK1

I can't thank you enough!

OMGdess

Hey, I'd just like to say that I make electronic books all the time.
Unless there is absolutely no electronic text available in any form it's not hard work. I would get another job if it was, because I don't have the attention span!

J
xx

I much prefer those steps over the traditional. More impowering!! We all need to be reminded about our inner strength. Thanks Minnie

Do you have the url?