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Update thought I’d update you on things almost a month on after separating from AH. Things are still not how I’d like them to be as I guess we try to adjust to new roles. AH comes over to my new house every single day - without asking. he just walks in if the door isn’t locked, shouts hello as he walks in (4 kids - two teens never remember to put the chain on!) how do I react to that? I can’t just kick him out. The kids are pleased to see him. AH isn’t yet connected to the internet at his own house so .... he uses mine. He brings his laptop and sets it up at the table. I don’t say anything because he’s been pleasant enough this last week... but I cannot allow it to continue once his own WiFi is connected. (It’s delayed because he gave a guy at the first provider he signed up to a gobful of abuse and they cancelled his account!) He’s got himself an evening job (in a golf club bar...... 🙄) so we don’t see him after lunchtime. That’s a blessing. But he’s been unable to contribute to any financial costs as he claims he’s broke. (I believe he is but he still manages £400 a month on booze) I received a huge electricity bill from the house we just moved out of today and will really struggle to pay it (£859) I also am still paying off a loan for the boiler in HIS house but in my name, which is another £100 a month. He so far hasn’t been able to give us a penny. It’s all coming out of my universal credit. So I’m struggling to support myself and 4 kids on that. I’m a tad bitter he’s still using MY electricity and WiFi without contribution. (He says he will when he can) but he’s still driving around an untaxed vehicle with no MOT ... if he gets fined for that he might loose his licence and then job! So he’s still basically managing to cause me upset and drama despite me leaving him!! Tomorrow, my mother invited the family over for Easter barbecue and told him he was invited. So theres a family get together and it’ll seem like nothing’s changed. I don’t expect everyone to exclude him that’d be wrong, but a little breathing space wouldn’t go amiss. My mother is just desperate to be seen to be “fair” and not leave him out. I get it ... but where is the thought that I might need some family time without stressing over him drinking and driving home or irritating me with his drunken egotistical taking over of every conversation and turning into being about him? (You’ve climbed a mountain? He’s climbed it ten times ... on his hands and parachuted back down it) I am doing nice things for myself. I’ve been gardening. Getting seeds planted, vegetable beds prepped, sweet pea frame up. Im also going away next weekend filming something for a project with a friend and I’ve been invited to London to meet with some people that want me to promote a product for them on my social media platform. I’m going horse riding with my daughter. So I’m doing well and despite my reservations and anxiety I’m determined to make it on my own. I guess I’m just feeling as if sometimes he’s still just too much a part of my life and I’m not in control ... but I can’t just make him disappear he’s the father of my children after all... |
Hi RainingButtons, It sounds like you're doing good things for yourself and making progress. Kudos! Some things seem to be continuing. From a past post from you (before leaving -- again, big congratulations on all the huge steps you've taken!): "I have in my head not to argue with someone that’s intoxicated. But I’m angry for being so weak. For not finding my voice." It's okay to not have your husband at your home. Do you have in person support through Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery or something else? |
Absolutely NO ONE , in this world is a mind reader( him nor your mother). If you truly want 'things' a certain way...tell people and stand firm on it.. **Not trying to be rude** |
No, you can't make him disappear, but you can set boundaries and hold to them, such as...No one just walks into my house unless they live here. The amount if disrespect you accept from him is amazing. We cannot make someone respect us, but we can refuse to tolerate their disrespect. |
Yes, the disrespect is terrible. I see where you are coming from, you are not comfortable with confrontation I'm gathering? Lots of people aren't. You could perhaps replace the deadbolt with one of those locks that you need a key for, even temporarily, the ones that lock as soon as the door is closed. Yes, he is their Dad but he will soon not be your Husband and he doesn't seem to get that. If he had approached you and explained the situation and offered to help out that's one thing, he's basically just moved in. He now has the best of all worlds, time with you all during the day and drinking all night, perfect. Where do you live that it takes more than a week to get internet! Granted, I live in a big city but even in small towns a week for an actual visit to the house would be maximum. Although since he lost the first contract. Anyway, the bottom line is, none of this is your circus. You left him for a reason, to get him out of your everyday life and yet a month later he's still there. - He does have money, he just chooses to not support his children or pay his bills. He will have you do that and he will use his money for alcohol. - He just barges in to your house unannounced and proceeds to set up shop. What happens at lunch time, is he eating there too? Do you feel you could discuss new boundaries with your Mom so she understands that he can't be invited to anything anymore unless you request it. That should always be your call. Personally, I wouldn't go to the BBQ, just drop the kids off and pick them up. Now, these are just some thoughts, of course. Basically all i'm saying is, you need boundaries if you want some peace and contentment? You are obviously a really nice person, that's clear, but he is just walking all over everyone, oblivious to the damage he leaves in his wake. but I can’t just make him disappear he’s the father of my children after all |
Depending how tech savvy you are, you can 1) hide your internet network from showing up on his machine (which is a good idea for security reasons) 2) set up a password for the network (which you should be doing anyway) and 3) prevent HIS machine from using the network anyway even if he makes it through the first two hoops. I encourage everybody to do the first two list items - making your internet network public is such a bad idea. One case I heard of that pops into mind - somebody got falsely accused of distributing child porn because the police detected activity on his network. It turned out that his neighbor was mooching his wifi and was the one doing the deed. Also, is your husband tech-savvy at all? Because if he's on your network, and you haven't turned off file sharing on your computers, he can easily muck around and check out what you have. When I would go to hotels and use their wi-fi, I was agog at the number of people who would forget to turn off their file-sharing. I could have just copied God knows what and had a field day with it. |
No, you can't just make him disappear, but you are separated. There has to actually be some separation between you. You are allowed to have space that he is not welcome into. You deserve your own home that is yours alone. He can get internet at the public library, at coffee shops--you are not responsible for finding the solution to his issues. |
A dear friend told me just yesterday, "Your home is your sanctuary." My jaw dropped in the simplicity and even the trite nature of the comment - but so powerful. I realized that I had allowed my XABF to turn my home into a place of anxiety, not by any acts of abuse or violence (he is actually a sweet guy,) just by his presence. His mere presence in my home became more and more disconcerting, which was apparent even more so by the "energy" left behind when he departed each time. My friend reminded me that my home needs to be my safe place, my beloved place, my sanctuary. THAT is the one and only reason we ever need in order to claim dominion over it, grant or deny access to every single person who requests to enter. Your home is your sanctuary. |
him being the father of your children has NOTHING to do with his access to your HOME. no one gets to just waltz into my home any dang time they feel like it. nobody just drops by on a whim. ok, hank has one buddy that doesn't always get it, but he lives quite a distance from us and is rarely in the area. like it or not, you are going to have to up the boundaries game. you are going to have to confront him and change the rules. you will not be punishing your children by doing so! if he's coming over and getting on the laptop he isn't there to be with the children and actively engage with them. he is simply tromping all over your boundaries, and doing what HE wants. as others have said he can go get wi fi anywhere. that is about the lamest excuse ever. |
Thankyou Thankyou - all really good replies and things I NEEDED to hear. I am lying here nodding and saying yes! Yes yes yes I need to sort this out now. I refuse to continue like it this took me years to do and finally I break free but he is still bringing anxiety to my door! He turns up today after I take our daughter horse riding - apparently he’s promised to watch a movie with our son. Here. At my house. So whilst I was out riding he was here in my home drinking my coffee on my sofa feet up. It IS just his presence that irritates me! Just his energy yes! It winds me up and I can feel my blood pressure starting to rise. I went to the barbecue. It was ok he drank about 4 beers then left early (drove home presumably to drink more) He said something odd. I’ve been noticing these huge gaps in his memory lately and today was a shocker. Opposite my mums outside porch where we all sit talking is a mountain with a pinnacle on the top made of limestone. It’s visible from the porch and looks like a person stood there. There is a folklore story about it and I wrote an article about it for a local newspaper about 4 years ago. To say we’ve chatted about it often is an understatement. I’ve been on hikes to photograph it. 15 years we’ve been married and he’s known about this stone. Today he suddenly asked my mum what that was on the mountain. Denied all knowledge of ever knowing it existed. Could it be early onset dementia or is this alcohol related? It scared me. I am going to have to sell my eternity ring to cover the huge electricity bill from our last house. He refuses to sell his Tag Heur watch and a very expensive guitar he bought himself when he decided he was going to learn to play and never did. He could easily clear the debt with what he’d get for it. Yet he won’t. So I’m damned if he’s going to continue using my WiFi and electricity for free. I had a row with my 19 year old daughter tonight too. Since moving she’s practically moved her boyfriend in. He’s been staying here more and more eating meals here too yet he works and his parents are loaded. Yet they never stay at his. They come in, cook food and leave me with the dirty dishes and laundry. Acting like a couple of entitled brats. She rolls her eyes when I ask her to do chores. Expects a taxi service at the drop of a hat. They spend money on holidays and take aways and offer to pay me nothing, so I kicked off about it tonight and she’s stormed off in a strop with boyfriend in tow. Just been feeling like I’ve been a total doormat for too long and that everyone is taking the p***. Sorry for the rant lol xx |
good for you, buttons! one of the biggest "altercations" i ever had with my daughter was when she was a young adult. she'd finished college and finally moved back to our area a few years later - so obviously independent and self-sufficient. she stayed with us so she get get settled with a job, save a little $$ and then get her own place. this became seven VERY long months. now i love my kid. and i was soooo happy at first to have my "baby" back. but she's not a baby. and it was a small beach cottage. so one day, and i'm not even sure what started it, she's cooking in my kitchen, using my utensils, and in some fit of pique claims that i "have never done anything for her EVER". i burst into tears. it was awful. things got very chilly between us. but she was out the door in a short number of days. i offered to help. NOPE. and off she went. things remained chilly for a while.....and then they got better. way better. it was perhaps the best thing that happened - that BREAK from the nest. it taught me she is NOT a baby and i no longer needed to treat her as a helpless child, but instead respect her as an adult. and she needed to cut that umbilical cord and go BE an adult. |
He’s been staying here more and more eating meals here too yet he works and his parents are loaded. Yet they never stay at his. My sister used to pull this stunt on me all the time when we lived together. Why couldn't her friends just show up? Why did she have to let me know? The ironic thing about this now is that those same friends have now grown up and distanced themselves away from her - it was one thing when she trampled on the boundaries of others, but it was a whole other ball game when she began trampling on theirs. If your daughter and boyfriend end up shacking up, I'm sure they would just love it if you just showed up without notice and started eating all their food. She may end up allowing her father to do that to her if he continues to stamp all over your boundaries, and that just makes me sad. |
More... So this morning I’m sat on the loo (tmi! Lol!) and I hear the front door handle being pushed. It’s locked so I hear knocking. Because I don’t answer immediately the phone rings. It’s XAH with his laptop under his arm again. I open the door door and say “oh ... wasn’t expecting you?” And he looks incredulous and says “well I’ve come to see my son (never includes DD in this it’s always “my boy”) and take the dog for a walk.(never walked the dog in all the years we were together btw) I let him in with the purpose of this conversation to follow. It’s kept me awake all night so time to lay down a few things. I made him coffee and he set up shop at my dining table as usual - takes a phone call and I switch on the hoover passive aggressive yes but I’m feeling bl**dy minded 😂 so I sit down next to him and say we need to speak. I’m worried about money. I have an £859 electricity bill and an over payment of tax credits to repay. I have £900 left to pay on a loan for the new boiler at HIS house and also £2000 on a credit card which I used to put a deposit down on this house. The home for HIS children! He said “you know I’ll give you everything I have” I said “good! I’m glad you said that because there are a few things we could sell to pay these bills off. I’m going to sell my wedding and eternity ring. You could sell your guitar and tag huer watch? And the van that you’ve not taxed or mot’d.” He flipped out. Started to pack up his laptop in a rage and ranting that I want to “take away what little he has left” i said “YOU have ALL the assets!!! A house with a mortgage. Two businesses and two vehicles! What do I have? A rented house and a disability car in my daughters name.the only thing of value I own is the rings which I’m going to sell!” He then starts on about my daughter. Her car used to be mine. We gave it to her for her 18th birthday. He said that I should sell that!!! She WORKS! She goes to college so .. I’d then have to taxi her everywhere if she had no vehicle? Plus an extra driver in the family is helpful for me. He wouldn’t see it. Totally blamed her for having the car. Yes I will be having a convo with DD about her attitude and I shall be asking her for rent this summer but that’s my issue. (She’s not his biological daughter and he’s always picked on her) he tried to plead poverty then by saying he’s surviving on discount food from the whoops isle in the supermarket. (Failed to mention how much goes on booze of course!!) I said - well you only gave yourself to support!!! I’m struggling to do this for five of us!!! he stormed out. I’m feeling a bit shaken up but proud that I made my feelings clear. Thanks for listening - I’m so grateful for this space to vent!! Xx |
RB...you are going to get to a point that enough is enough. This is craziness, him just marching in, coming to YOUR family functions, not paying for anything. There is a switch in your brain that is going to flip when you have had enough. Sending you peaceful hugs! |
Hey. Okay, stop allowing this person into your life. He is a parasite. He is not a father. A father is someone who is emotionally and financially responsible, someone who is a good example to a child. This guy is not any of those things. The way he treats you and your daughter sends your son a very bad message about how one can treat women. The guy comes in an says he wants to see "his boy". Not his "Jack" or "Stanley" or "Ben" or whatever his name is. Just "his boy". From his point of view, you basically incubated this guy's donation for 9 months and now he can play with the result. And you are also paying to keep "his boy" alive. Stop talking to him unless it's about visitation arrangements. Let him see the kid once a week when you are free -- maybe on a weekend. How old is this kid? When the kid gets old enough, this visiting "Dad" will be offering him alcohol (if he hasn't already). You are not going to get a cent from this idiot. He's not going to sell his guitar or anything unless it's to buy more booze. Just write him off. You should have nothing left to give him and want nothing more from him. He is not capable of reciprocity. Also... great job with moving out. You did the right thing. Now protect your peace. |
If you needed any more proof that he just doesn't "get it", this is it: I open the door door and say “oh ... wasn’t expecting you?” And he looks incredulous and says “well I’ve come to see my son (never includes DD in this it’s always “my boy”) and take the dog for a walk.(never walked the dog in all the years we were together btw) One has nothing to do with the other. You not expecting him and him wanting to visit his son are completely different things. So this isn't an exchange between two equal, respectful adults, this is you stating something and him defending, defending, defending and I bet he has a book full of defenses for every possible scenario and if he doesn't he can make them up on the fly. This is called BS lol I'm so glad that you are putting your boundaries in place, it will honestly make life so much better for you! As for your Daughter and BF, good for you for saying something. They will be back though because the options are probably few but personally? I wouldn't allow him to stay over ever and if they want to eat they will have to bring food in, my food would be off limits. If it was a once a month thing ok and if they were cleaning up ok, otherwise as you have pointed out, they are just taking advantage. Keep on keeping on, you are doing so well! |
Here's the way I look at people coming to my home: This is my safe space. It's the one place in the world that I don't have to take anyone else's crap. If you don't consider it an honor and privilege to come into my home and act accordingly then you don't belong here. I consider my home sacred. |
Wow I would have had fits if my wife had done that with the devorce under way. She tried pushing her way in at one point and the law was called with her going back out. She was putting the kids in the middle as is your husband. She never has learned that boundary. Action |
By allowing him to act like the new house is his you are telling him that the new house is his. And you are allowing him to control you and your children. Please consider telling him he can't come to the house uninvited-- ever. By not doing this you are just setting yourself up to continue to be victimized by him, and continuing to let him use your children to control you. C- |
One thing you might consider is installing a peephole. They are not expensive and they are easy to install. Then before you open the door to anyone, check to see who it is first. You have no obligation to open the door to him unless he has a prior engagement with you. If you don't open the door, you don't have to argue with him. |
I believe you should call a meeting and explain boundaries, to him and to your daughter. Just my two cents. You deserve more. |
Agree with hopeful--you need to hold your ground--this is your sacred space of peace, but only if you don't let them trample all over it and you. You deserve to be comfortable and safe in your home. Bottom line. |
Thankyou thanks for all the feedback. It really helps to know I’m not being unreasonable or over reacting. He has clearly had me second guessing myself for years. Today he’s kept away. After our discussion. I thought something must’ve sunk in until I received a phone call from the agent regarding the deposit owed back on the house we moved out of. The landlord had requested the agent pay AH half the deposit! AH had asked him in person and he had agreed! . Fortunately the agent has to abide by the law and pay it to me in full as the tenancy agreement was in my name only. I paid the rent every month for 4 years, never missed a payment. AH doesn’t know this yet - he actually text me to say “deposit will be released tomorrow 👍🏻“ I replied that I knew that already. And that he’d requested half of it be paid to him and was disappointed he’d gone behind my back. I didn’t tell him he wasn’t going to get it. (That gem will be tomorrow and I’m dreading his reaction.) He replied “of course I did I have 9 grand on my credit cards! I’m desperate for money”. I didn’t reply. He’d have been drinking the time he sent it. No point. I went to get my jewellery valued I can get £500 for it. Only gold and diamond value so my mums offered to buy them from me so i can buy them back if I ever want to. I want to pay off every bill we have together so I can start a clean slate. I’ll be using the deposit money to pay for bills that are in my name but equally are his debts. I have money owing on my credit cards too! But all the utility bills and a loan for him were in my name so I’m liable. So it will still benefit him as I’m paying off his half of the bills plus his kids will benefit as their mother won’t be struggling to make ends meet for months. He won’t see it like that though. He says he needs it to pay the deposit he owes to the tenant that moved out of his house. He should have legally had that in a holding account but didn’t so he’s going to either be sued or have to sell something to pay it. Not my problem. I’m going to keep my door locked tomorrow and be on my guard. He’s never been violent so I’m not thinking that... but I do think he might now begin to play very nasty and use the kids to assert his authority over me. I’m nervous for the first time ever, that he could really try to bully me over this. Now he’s nothing to loose in his eyes (financially anyway) by kicking off. The front door is frosted glass. I’m thinking I need a curtain across it so the caller cannot see through it. It does unnerve me a little if I’m honest. |
You are doing really well RB - seriously, you have it together. I also have a glass piece in my front door and I really like it, I never open the door haha (people do not show up here unless invited, it's a thing). So when people selling stuff etc come to the door I talk to them through the glass. The funniest part is some of them pretend they can't hear me. This is a seller "trick", I guess they expect me not to notice that I can hear THEM. If they keep it up I just walk away - not very friendly - but anyhoo, the curtain is a great idea. Good luck tomorrow, what a ridiculous deal he tried to make there, very underhanded. |
RB, I think the only thing I would add to what you're planning now is to get the kids on-side. That doesn't mean they have to take sides, but that you spell out your intentions and tell them the reasons for doing it. So they understand and don't inadvertently encourage him to cross boundaries. They may push back, but it shouldn't be a discussion of right or wrong, just putting them in the picture. In regards to your plans for getting out of debt, I think it would be a very good precaution to seek legal advice, even if it's just a free clinic or legal aid. In a marriage it may not be relevant whose name a debt is in. At least find that out, because voluntarily paying off loans just because they're in your name may still leave you liable for credit card debt in his name. Very important. |
a bit of an eye opener today So a few weeks on again. I paid the debts off by selling my jewellery and .. I paid the tenant her deposit back myself. After taking advice it was the best option because legally my name was on the lease as joint landlord. Ive kept my door locked and despite the fact XAH still tries the handle and would walk in without knocking at least I’m keeping my boundaries clear. He has the last two weekends taken the kids out once swimming and another time cinema. It’s unusual and something he never ever did before but the effort is appreciated. I’m still not keen on him driving them around but I limit these visits to mornings and I think his driving days are numbered anyway. If he gets a DUI which is more likely now he lives in town - then that problem is solved. My youngest daughter has autism and has expressed her dislike of “daddy’s new house”. She says it’s “weird” and doesn’t want to go there again. Now he has two of our cats there which I had hoped she’d want to see and I accept that with autism any new changes take a while to process but even so I made an excuse to “pop in” today on the way back from the dentist to see the cats that I’ve really missed. (I’m concerned one of them isn’t getting the care she needs and I was right ... she’s terribly matted I may have to take her back) i don’t know what I was expecting really ... but I was shocked at how bad his house was. He’s clearly done nothing to unpack! there is just boxes junk and stuff everywhere. It was filthy - clothes, dirty dishes ... awful. No milk for coffee. Huge bottle of cider, gin and wine though. (Meaning he’s not drinking coffee!) he didn’t even seem embarrassed. He went to the corner shop to get milk and left me there. I had a look around (ok ok I snooped) he hasn’t even put bedding on the bed! His bathroom - ugh. He told me he’d fallen out of the bath three weeks ago and was black and blue he’s also bust his knee. (He “slipped”) he said he’d pulled the shower curtain down when he fell - it was still there on the floor with the pole. I didn’t stay to help I didn’t comment or offer any help at all as I know that’s enabling and codependent. But it was tough I’ll admit it. I cried when I left I just wanted to hug him - I hate the thought of him sat in that dump all alone but he COULD make it so nice!!! He’s got everything there to make it good, he’s just not bothered. I needed to offload and feel terrible but my energy is here now in MY home which I’ve made cosy welcoming clean tidy and lovely. I also reminded myself of all the times he made our lives hell by nagging about little things - the kids couldn’t leave a cup out without him making a point about it he was (still is) ultra critical. That’s why I find today so hard to believe. so I can’t force my daughter to spend time there. He has a bedroom for her and our son but it’s piled high with boxes. I don’t see any opportunity they’d go there overnight which I’m glad about but still very shocked he’s not made any effort to make it good for them if not for himself. He was always so critical of my first ex for being a terrible father to my oldest girls. Now he’s being just as bad. He’s also taken £170 from our sons account and still not paid it back. Son isn’t aware yet he would be devastated. It’s all his birthday money saved up. |
I have massive anxiety just reading about this guy. My ex GF used to open any door I shut, all the time. She'd wake me up rudely from a deep sleep at 2AM just because she couldn't sleep due to her alcoholism & massive insecurities/control issues. I moved out & live in a tiny bedroom now... but it's MINE (& thank god she doesn't know how or where to find me!) Everyone is correct... completely unacceptable. Don't allow him to control your new life for one more second. That's YOUR home. Guard it well, same with your son, same with your heart. You deserve peace & safety. |
Hi RainingButtons, glad to hear from you. It is all rather traumatic really, for all concerned. In thinking about the apartment, when one is so self-centered, I doubt it has crossed his mind that his apartment being a disaster means anything to anyone but him. He's good with it! In this case, with your Daughter's sensitivities and the fact that they do go over there periodically, I would actually broach the subject with him - as in, the kids won't be comfortable in your new place until you sort it out. Alternately it could be a boundary which you share with him - the kids can't visit until the place is sorted out (this would be my personal choice). |
He’s also taken £170 from our sons account and still not paid it back. Son isn’t aware yet he would be devastated. It’s all his birthday money saved up. Also, I would make sure that he hasn't stolen any of your children's identities to score additional credit cards/loans/etc. |
I suggest closing your son's account and moving his money to his own account to which AH has no access. Ideally get the money owed first if you can. I also favor no visits until at least the children's rooms are habitable. |
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