When does it stop becoming my story.
 

Was thinking about this tonight.

Was chatting to a woman online from a forum about "my story" and what has happened in my life recently. She said she was an alcoholic and could relate to his needing to put recovery before everyone else. In her opinion, she said she doesn't think he will come back into my life. That he will change completely, he has to, I get it! Not the best of news, though I want him to flourish and be happy, that said it's just one opinion and appreciated her honesty. It's nearly 2 months now since I've heard from him.

That got me thinking tonight. Learning about myself and codependency, trying to self care more and work some spiritual programme is helping me detach and focus on me. The question popped into my head, when does this stop being "my story"!

If he never comes back into my life, do I continue talking about him, it, what happened, at what point do I say, well he's not in your life so what are you still going over this stuff for?

It's bizarre, I don't know what kind of answer I'm looking for but as it came into my head tonight, I decided to throw it out there as I know at least 1 person will relate.

My instinct is, it will be my story untill I'm ready to let it go and stop talking about him. I don't know when that will be but it helps me to talk about it in here and elsewhere to work through it.

I get what you are saying. For myself, it's hard. I share kids and a 20 year history with my XAH. So when memories are discussed, he is many times part of those memories, good or bad.

That being said, when I did divorce, I decided I would make new memories to replace the old ones! So my family never sits around, we DO things. We create those memories, and you will too!

Give it time. Your story is going to be a great one!

Thanks hopeful, I will give it time, still not there yet, but I look forward to that day where I can make new memories, whoever it's with.

Glenjo…...ruminating is a part of the grieving process.....and you are still in the early side of grieving.....you will let it fade away when you are ready....

How about it's a chapter that you are in, at the moment? :)

Using the story analogy, for me, I flip around the book quite a bit.

Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing but, I don't define myself by any one thing.

Recovering alcoholic, married to an AH, recovered from breast cancer, sister, friend, etc. All of those and more, sometimes all at once, sometimes one at a time.

Let's add 'rambler' to the list :lmao

One of my favorite sayings: let go or be dragged. I let myself be dragged by an invisible recovering alcoholic longer than was wise. Finally got busy with other things, opened up my life to healthy people, and he became just a faint memory. Alanon made all the difference.

I think you are looking at the way you deal in the world because you went through this and stopped and thought, hang onnnnnnn that's not right and this has made me see this.

Right now it's all tied in together, early days yet.

Why do you have to do all this (at times painful) self-examination for someone you aren't even talking to! Who hasn't contacted you in 2 months!

I think you will see that eventually, if you decide to continue on this path of self-care that it's not about him at all. I can also see how right now it's probably a bit annoying to you.

Small steps, think about how far you have come (and you have even if you don't quite see it yet).

I think your ex will always be part of your story, as all people you cross paths with. But right now, maybe your focus shouldn't be on him anymore but on your own recovery which I think you are starting to really focus on. So talking about him in a way that is helping you realise who you are and what you need or want to work on would be your story again. Thinking about how or when he might change not. If that makes sense :)

Your story is evolving just like you are Glen, you're writing it yourself. You get to change the direction, velocity & tone any time you are ready.

When you're ready, it'll just be. This was a big, big, BIG moment for me when it happened... and the thing is, that moment was nothing without the 48,000 (give or take) baby steps that came before it. Without those, I would never have arrived at that place.

You're doing great, cut yourself some slack. :hug:

I have a degree in ruminating! Big codependent trait.

I like that this is a chapter, never thought of it like that. Only one part of the whole.

Yes it is early days. I think sometimes anxiety takes over, even on the days where I meditate and read, and on those days I question and ruminate about everything. One day at a time I guess working on recovery.

Thanks, I tend to be hard on myself, perfectionistic, all codependent traits and it's not untill others point it out I realise how easily I do it. Self compassion today! It's a journey rather than a destination as melody beattie says.

I recently say this quote from Orson Wells………..

If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.

When we face our own recovery, it’s like we are being asked to give up everything we know in order to get something better that we don’t yet understand.

I do think your story will always include your ex but he’s not the main character in your story, you are. Maybe he's just going to be in a few chapters.

I'll be honest, that made me sad when you say he maybe he's just going to be in a few chapters, but it is a possibility if not probability.

Something better that we don't understand....I love this. Its the surrendering the knowing to universe, getting out of it's and my own way, and seeing what comes next.

Endings are sad if or when they may happen. And one of the hardest things we will ever have to do is grieve the loss of a person who is still alive. I know for me, once I got busy with me, focused on my recovery I began to realize I was no longer working on a happy or healthy relationship but was rather participating in a very long goodbye.

Good awareness for you, that you were participating in a very long goodbye.

Glenjo…..time and distance are your friends......

Never because we all think of Grandpa often.. ok need a tissue..

Yes they do help with the detaching.

Glenjo99, are you familiar with MBTI or Enneagram personality theory at all? Discovering my “types” helped me a lot, especially the Enneagram, that gets into core fears. I’m a type 9 (9w8 to be more specific), I have a very hard time with separation from loved ones/ loss. There’s some good info in both of those theories, I think. I do the obsessing/ ruminating too, but I find I’m like that in general and it’s just the way I am, I even do it with everyday things (very particular about products; foods that I like, etc) so I just try to go with it until it passes.

There’s that whole period after break ups where all of it just feels so crappy, too. The no contact (even though that’s the logical thing to do/ the way out); contact may be a relief momentarily, but then the roller coaster ride starts again... all of it just feels crappy for a while.

Anyways, I personally relate to what you and others are going through too. You’re not alone :).

Glenjo, here is something that I came across in my early recovery. At the time, it was pretty cold comfort, but now that some time has passed, I can see how true it really is. Lately my recovery is pointing me towards the Buddhist beliefs about impermanence and change, and finding ways to apply those teachings to my own life is making a difference already.

I hope this helps you, if not now, then later:

A Reason, a Season, a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed or just felt. They have come to assist you through a hard time, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. Then, suddenly, the person disappears from your life. Your need has been met; their work is done.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share or grow or give back. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They give you great joy. Believe it; it is real. But only for a season.

Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons—things you must build upon to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all your other relationships.

Think about the people in your life over the years. Whether they were there for a reason, a season or a lifetime, accept them and treasure them for however long they were meant to be part of your life.

And when they are gone, be thankful for the gifts you received from them when they were here—for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Glenjo, don't know if you will find this talk helpful but I found it really interesting, it discusses mental wellness but also rumination.
https://www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_...tional_hygiene

... and clarity. ;)

Do you have links? I'm pretty sure I've done the MBTI one before but not the Enneagram.....
:tyou

It looks like I don’t have enough posts to post links, but if you check out the enneagraminstitute.com, they have links to online tests. Also personalitycafe.com has all of the info and links to both MBTI and Ennegram tests. :)

Hi pdm22, no I'm not familiar with those at all but I will look into them.

I do have a hard time letting go of things in general, or when things are over, I get very morbid and down. For example when birthdays, holidays, even a good film are over I get excessively sad so you might be on to something.

Yeh detachment has been the hardest part for me particularly because of the abrupt way it happened. I'm learning I can't control anyone only myself and I'm responsible for my own self care, loving myself and building my confidence. Doesn't stop me ruminating some times on him and the situation though, but I expect that's normal, I'm only 2 months into codependency recovery.

I love this, it's the second time this has been brought to my attention this week so it must be a sign! Going to print it off and put up on my wall. Thanks

Thanks! I remember taking this now.... I'm pretty sure I'm a type 4 on the enneagram & an ENFJ on the MB test...... we also do similar personality tests at our office when we hire someone. I've been surprised at how useful they can be. Once a potential employee takes a test, our back office helps us interpret it & helps figure out how that person can fit (or not) into our team.
:tyou

Me too, I have a very hard time with things like that. Very sentimental and emotional. I also seem to be wired for long term/ long distance relationships, and can go months or even years not speaking to people I’ve bonded with, and with some of those people, we can pick up right where we left off. Which is kind of cool sometimes, in other ways it can be problematic. I think it’s the being able to mentally time travel like that, being oriented in the present doesn’t come easily.

Please look up the song “A Song About Late Night Nostalgia” by Ollie MN, I wanted to send that YouTube link to you but I can’t do the link yet.. I think maybe you’ll relate to it :)

Oh yes, ENFJ, you guys are everyone’s favorite type :). And I’ve mistyped myself as an Enneagram 4, but eventually realized I’m a 9. I’m an INFJ. The book “Was That Really Me?” By Naomi Quenk was rather helpful, that book explains how each type manifests itself when not doing so well. In my case, I tend to isolate and brood, and over rely on my intuition/ instincts, and can start spinning on them :/.