Glenjo99, are you familiar with MBTI or Enneagram personality theory at all? Discovering my “types” helped me a lot, especially the Enneagram, that gets into core fears. I’m a type 9 (9w8 to be more specific), I have a very hard time with separation from loved ones/ loss. There’s some good info in both of those theories, I think. I do the obsessing/ ruminating too, but I find I’m like that in general and it’s just the way I am, I even do it with everyday things (very particular about products; foods that I like, etc) so I just try to go with it until it passes.

There’s that whole period after break ups where all of it just feels so crappy, too. The no contact (even though that’s the logical thing to do/ the way out); contact may be a relief momentarily, but then the roller coaster ride starts again... all of it just feels crappy for a while.

Anyways, I personally relate to what you and others are going through too. You’re not alone :).

Glenjo, here is something that I came across in my early recovery. At the time, it was pretty cold comfort, but now that some time has passed, I can see how true it really is. Lately my recovery is pointing me towards the Buddhist beliefs about impermanence and change, and finding ways to apply those teachings to my own life is making a difference already.

I hope this helps you, if not now, then later:

A Reason, a Season, a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed or just felt. They have come to assist you through a hard time, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. Then, suddenly, the person disappears from your life. Your need has been met; their work is done.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share or grow or give back. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They give you great joy. Believe it; it is real. But only for a season.

Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons—things you must build upon to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all your other relationships.

Think about the people in your life over the years. Whether they were there for a reason, a season or a lifetime, accept them and treasure them for however long they were meant to be part of your life.

And when they are gone, be thankful for the gifts you received from them when they were here—for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Glenjo, don't know if you will find this talk helpful but I found it really interesting, it discusses mental wellness but also rumination.
https://www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_...tional_hygiene

... and clarity. ;)

Do you have links? I'm pretty sure I've done the MBTI one before but not the Enneagram.....
:tyou

It looks like I don’t have enough posts to post links, but if you check out the enneagraminstitute.com, they have links to online tests. Also personalitycafe.com has all of the info and links to both MBTI and Ennegram tests. :)

Hi pdm22, no I'm not familiar with those at all but I will look into them.

I do have a hard time letting go of things in general, or when things are over, I get very morbid and down. For example when birthdays, holidays, even a good film are over I get excessively sad so you might be on to something.

Yeh detachment has been the hardest part for me particularly because of the abrupt way it happened. I'm learning I can't control anyone only myself and I'm responsible for my own self care, loving myself and building my confidence. Doesn't stop me ruminating some times on him and the situation though, but I expect that's normal, I'm only 2 months into codependency recovery.

I love this, it's the second time this has been brought to my attention this week so it must be a sign! Going to print it off and put up on my wall. Thanks

Thanks! I remember taking this now.... I'm pretty sure I'm a type 4 on the enneagram & an ENFJ on the MB test...... we also do similar personality tests at our office when we hire someone. I've been surprised at how useful they can be. Once a potential employee takes a test, our back office helps us interpret it & helps figure out how that person can fit (or not) into our team.
:tyou

Me too, I have a very hard time with things like that. Very sentimental and emotional. I also seem to be wired for long term/ long distance relationships, and can go months or even years not speaking to people I’ve bonded with, and with some of those people, we can pick up right where we left off. Which is kind of cool sometimes, in other ways it can be problematic. I think it’s the being able to mentally time travel like that, being oriented in the present doesn’t come easily.

Please look up the song “A Song About Late Night Nostalgia” by Ollie MN, I wanted to send that YouTube link to you but I can’t do the link yet.. I think maybe you’ll relate to it :)

Oh yes, ENFJ, you guys are everyone’s favorite type :). And I’ve mistyped myself as an Enneagram 4, but eventually realized I’m a 9. I’m an INFJ. The book “Was That Really Me?” By Naomi Quenk was rather helpful, that book explains how each type manifests itself when not doing so well. In my case, I tend to isolate and brood, and over rely on my intuition/ instincts, and can start spinning on them :/.

I did share yesterday, but alas ghost in the machine.

I will liken your question about when does it not be your story- to mine.
My story per se is well documented here so that bit is not important...but now?
In my case it is- when will that part of my life, my story stop hurting- be left in the past where it belongs.
When it stops hurting, when I stop having so many memories- so often all the time, when I can go a day without even noticing I have not thought about it..when I let go. I understand and accept- but letting go is the biggie. I need to experience the recurring mem's and feelings (although those feelings- today are not relevant and I am just looking at mem's, which cannot harm me))- riding out the surge in the waves- to remain as the rock. I do this with SR, journal writing, art- and talking to my 'professional friends'- GP, psychologist.

Support to you.

Thanks for the book recommendation! I’m an INTJ which, upon some research, tend to come off as strange to a lot of other personality types, haha. I have never thought about analyzing it in the context of how I react to situations.

Everything you described sounds like me, very sentimental and emotional, often isolate myself and the long distance thing!!

I'll check that song out on YouTube thanks