Introduction and need some advice
 

ETA: Wow this is so long I am so sorry. I even left stuff out :(

I have been lurking here for a while--and I have appreciated reading all the advice people have given. I wanted to say hello and give a little of my backstory--and ask for some advice.

My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for almost 4. We have a 2.5 year old son. We met in our 20's so we drank together on the weekends--nothing really ever excessive. There were a couple of times during our relationship that he set off my "spidey senses" in regards to alcoholism (both my parents are alcoholics). But nothing consistent or extreme enough to warrant any action on my part. I caught him sneaking a shot a few times when company was over.

It wasn't until our son was born that things started to go downhill, I guess. He would go out of town for work--then would have to stay an extra day or two because he was drunk/hung over and couldn't get on a plane. This made me furious, and he always apologized and promised to not do it again, etc. He went on antidepressants as an attempt to appease me and fix whatever problem he thought he had.

A few months later he came down with a stomach virus. I was busy taking care of a small child so I honestly just let him hole up in the guest room and checked in on him every once and a while (mostly by text). He sent me pictures of his temperature on the thermometer--told me he went to the doctor who confirmed he had a virus--told me the results of his tests at the doctor. By day 5 of this stomach virus, his mom and I were both nervous for his health and wanted him to go get an IV if he was still throwing up. His door was locked, I opened it with a screwdriver, and there was a large bottle of vodka on the bathroom counter. You can kind of guess the rest--he wasn't ever sick. It was an elaborate lie the entire time. Long story short, his mother and I called 911 because we couldnt physically remove him, he went to the hospital and forced into a rehab facility due to the doctor being afraid he was trying to kill himself. I guess his BAC was that high.

Since then he has been seeing a therapist once a week or so. I have also been going to talk to the same therapist every 2-3 weeks. He has not been going to AA. He did have a "slip up" once when he was on a work trip, but other than that I do not think he has drank in about 8 months.

Even though he wasn't drinking 24/7 before he quit, he has seemed to be going through all the early recovery symptoms I see mentioned. He seems very confused still--not really able to process his emotions--still very selfish. He is like a teenager, 100%. Our marriage has honestly been worse since he stopped drinking. I have felt like I am very unwanted around the home. I feel like the weird kid no one invited to the party when I walk into a room.

I obviously lost a ton of trust in him when the incident with the "stomach flu" happened---and I've been trying to build it up again since then. I have been working with the therapist to try to be a better wife/partner... expressing my emotions better, complimenting him more, etc. I was actually pretty proud of myself and what I was accomplishing.

Then a few weeks ago, to make a long story short, I found out that--since November--he has been taking adderall and xanax (w prescriptions) and smoking cigarettes. I also found a ton of sleeping pills. He had been sneaking around doing all these things. To the extent that I also found spy cameras placed throughout the house so he could see where I was and what I was doing. If he had come to me as he started these things, we could have had a discussion about them,but the fact that he was sneaking around with SO MUCH EFFORT. My entire trust was decimated. I think he abuses the adderally occasionally, and doesn't need it in the first place. I feel uncomfortable looking at his eyes sometimes because they seem strung out/messed up. I even told the therapist months ago I thought that my husband was on cocaine.

And then the detaching started. And since I have started to detach myself from our relationship, I have noticed some things that make me think I need to get out. For example, the end of last year I brought up to him that I felt unwanted around the house--and his response was something like "You have a problem? I honestly thought you were going to compliment be on how great I've been! I am giving all that I possibly can to this relationship, so if you have a problem, it's your fault and you need to work on yourself and go to a new therapist, etc." He was sneaking around when he said this crap to me!! Somehow when I bring anything up, it ends up being my fault. Somehow I'm always the crazy one. I realize he is probably a huge reason I do not trust my own thoughts/judgements/etc anymore. He even mentioned to the therapist that he was sneaking around because he "had to". He says all his anxiety is related to me and it's all my fault.

So since I found out about the sneaking around, I have been asking him what HE wants out of this relationship, because I was on the fence of staying or leaving and I wasn't going to stay if he didn't want me around. He eventually told me that he wanted to split up for 6 months so he could be alone and work on his stuff. I agreed to this--I am interested in seeing how I change without his influence.

The problem is--we can't afford another place right now, so someone has to move in with his parents (~5 min away). Is it weird if I am the one who moves in with his parents? We are going to list our house to sell in May, and it might take up to a year to sell. At that point we could either move back in together or go our separate ways. We lived with his parents for about 2 years while our house was being built, so I know what it would be like.

The negatives are that: I would have to share a bedroom with my 2 year old, I wouldn't have a full kitchen (I could use the one in the house if I needed to, but this is like a mother-in-law apt with minimal stuff), somewhat reduced privacy. The positives are that: I have support from his parents with our son, I have people to talk to, I don't have to maintain/clean a 3BR house by myself. I wouldn't have to live in a house while it was for sale (w a child that goes to bed at 6:30!) I also have developed a sort of irrational annoyance at our house right now, because I have devoted so much energy and effort into making it a cozy home, and it's just full of bad memories.

If my husband truly wants to be alone to work on his crap, then being around his parents is the exact opposite of what he needs. Before he started blaming all his anxiety on me, he blamed it on his parents. I am somewhat curious to see what happens when he has nothing else to blame his stress/anxiety on but himself.

It would be a lot easier logistically for me to stay in the home and have him move. But I don't know. I need some advice! I am worried about the impact of moving on my 2 year old, but he is at his grandparents house every day after school and loves it there. It has more to offer a small child in terms of outdoor play space and fun animals to look at. And it's just temporary--but could be for up to a year or so.

I am terrified of being a single mother, even though my husband says he wants to help out whenever he can. I feel like I do a lot of it myself anyway--he travels quite a bit and goes to bed in the guestroom at around 6PM every evening. I am thankful that I have a good job and can financially support myself and provide a good life for my son regardless of whether or not I have help from my husband. I am just worried that he's being screwed up emotionally, or is going to be screwed up.

The other day I asked my husband if he was excited to be alone. He said yes--that earlier that day he went to get a 90 min massage and was really relaxed afterward. Until he pulled into our driveway and thought about seeing me. What a charmer!

Ugh. Active alcoholics are selfish to the core. I think you already have the answer as to what you should do. You just need some encouragement. Keep repeating the three C's....
I didn't cause it
I can't control it and
I can't cure it.

I think its a great idea to move in with your in-laws! It will get you out of the house, being there probably brings a lot of anxiety. Your son will be much better off living away from the negative environment AH is causing. He already knows grandma and grandpa's house, and they can be a lot of support to both of you. Its a wonderful idea, go for it!

Autumn Mama, I'm so sorry you're going through this, but as wamama said, I think you do know that moving out is a good call. I don't have kids, but I moved out for 10 -days and it was the best thing I did for myself. Being away from the active chaos is so freeing, you deserve that time to work on yourself. I've been listening to podcasts from the recovery show on walks, and those have really helped me. Are you going to Al Anon meetings? That has been a tremendous support as well. The only thing we can do is take care of ourselves and hope that our AH's can do the same. I'm thinking of you and glad you posted here, you will get great support from this group.

Hi, AutumnMama.
Welcome.
Very sorry for your situation.
Have you consulted an attorney?
Might be a good idea to know your rights.

I'm so sorry you have to be here but also glad. It sounds to me like you have really taken the time to step back and take a good look and things and really think about it. My husband too seemed to go off the deep end starting right before we had our first child. I also understand the sneaking. Although I know it hurts, perhaps think of the time apart as almost a "favor". It's a selfish one, but it gives you time and you will have help.

"I am terrified of being a single mother, even though my husband says he wants to help out whenever he can."

It sounds like you are pretty much a single parent anyway. A two year old adjusts quickly, and he will love having his grandparents there. But it always drives me crazy when a father says he will "help". A father is not a sitter or a friend stepping in "to help".

Do you have a good relationship with the parents? I'm sorry if I missed it. Do they know what is really going on?

The spy camera thing sound AWFUL. That alone, independent of any drinking or substance abuse, would be a deal-breaker. This is your home too, not his private property. You are being treated like an intruder in his kingdom. What's next, big yapping Alsatians guarding the bathroom?

It also sounds like you're effectively a single parent anyway. You're just a highly-stressed single parent with a paranoid and unpleasant roommate.

FWIW I was really worried about being a lone parent when I left an alcoholic with a young child (albeit older than yours) - and it turned out to be much, much easier parenting on my own than with the alcoholic power struggles getting in the way of my relationship with my daughter.

Yeah we get along! His mom can be a little dramatic about things, which drives my husband crazy (almost literally) but it doesn’t bother me for some reason.

The problem I’m also struggling with is that she doesn’t know about any of the recent events. And he doesn’t want to tell her. I feel like she needs to understand the situation before I move in there. I don’t want her to think I’m at fault or I’m being dramatic etc. but he doesn’t want to tell her about the medication, smoking, etc and it’s his mom. She doesn’t even know he’s on antidepressants. He’s terrified of her and not seeming perfect to her. She does know about him being an alcoholic, therapy, etc.

When he brought up me moving in there with her.... she was confused about why I would be the one moving. But seemed excited to have her grandson around. I’m a little worried about not feeling totally “welcome” there either but I feel if it’s only temporary and would be more of an awkwardness than the somewhat Abusive situation I’m in now.

It’s not perfect. I wish it was a perfect solution.

No I haven’t. I have found a couple locally I thought might be good. And i was going to ask the therapist for a recommendation. I don’t want to move out before I talk to an attorney so I don’t screw something up with my equity in the home.

AutumnMama.....the way I look at it....I believe that she deserves to have all of the cards on the table...if she is drug into the middle of this, anyway and extending herself to help out. I think that it is fair to you for her to know the facts of the situation....otherwise, you could be made to be the "bad guy"......and he needs to be honest with his mother if he is taking help from her....
Alcoholism thrives on secrets and manipulations.....

In recovery, alcoholics are advised to exercise honesty in all their affairs, I believe......
He might as well get started now....

See. This bothers me.

I agree with dandylion. I think she should be told before you move in. Who knows what he has told her. And she is his family. I would want to know her reaction prior to making that leap. That's just me.

Would she still help out of you weren't living there? Could you afford a one bedroom apartment?

My ex had a similar attitude, and so I never told his parents the worst. That ended up with us dancing to his tune. He manipulated situations in order to play us off of one another and keep all eyes off his drinking.

Al-Anon helped me to step away from this. His parents, after they finally saw how bad he was for themselves, also detached from the craziness. I think they may have thumbed through some of the literature I sent them when I was, um, maybe overzealous in my "recommendations" that they check out a meeting.

But until everyone knew the entire truth of the situation, none of us could let go. It was too easy to get pulled into the manipulative dance.

I think you guys have helped me decide that her knowing what’s going on should be a condition of me moving out. I think I should bring it up in a joint therapy session, though, otherwise I might be bowled over by him.

No I can’t afford an apartment. :( we built this house as an investment that we were going to sell after living in it 2 years. The two years is up in May. We have stretched ourselves kind of thin in our mortgage payments knowing we stood to make quite a bit of money on the other end. Anyway. That was probably more explanation than you needed. But after the house sells I can definitely afford something for myself.

Hi Autumn,

Just one thing that came to mind. Since you are planning to sell your house is he the best person to leave in charge of the house?

I ask this because recently another member here left her AH in the house while they were selling and not only was it a mess the pipes were left to freeze.

I actually think your idea of moving is solid just thinking that you will probably have to go check on the house at least 3-4 times a week?

The other member's username is Zircon, a recent post of hers can be found here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...continues.html

To see other posts by a user, just click on the username above their picture and choose "Find all threads" or "Find more posts"

Well he isn't currently drinking (8 months or so) so I have that in my favor. But due to him locking himself in a room and drinking himself almost to death that one time, I am worried that it might happen again. I'm not sure really how to handle that worry without it becoming a burden for me?

Yes I was just thinking that the ton of sleeping pills seemed a bit odd.

Ensuring your investment is taken care of might mean a visit to the house a few times a week to make sure things are in control house wise.

I suppose you could hire a third party to do this, or a mutually agreed upon friend. No doubt that is going to be a burden for you but I'm guessing the investment is important.

I guess if he relapses and that's not the case you will need to step in. Perhaps it would be a good idea to draw up a simple agreement before moving out.

Welcome! I second trailmix’s question if he is a good choice to care for your home. It sounds like you will be depending on this for financial stability moving forward. I would strongly recommend talking with an attorney before you move out and possibly considering some sort of written agreement. If you do move out, I would also keep close tabs on the home and communicate regularly with your realtor.

Does the therapist you’re seeing specialize in addiction? Your husband may not be drinking, but with the other meds he’s using I would be concerned he just changed substances.

Big hugs to you and your little one. You’ll find great understanding and support here.

Typical active A. I have heard the same mantra, 'it's your fault, you make me drink, I live in fear of you, I am changing, what have you done to better yourself, blah blah blah."
Do NOT take on any of his blame shiftings, the reality is that you and your son stand in the way of his need to use, it is that simple.
I suspect he will go downhill if you leave but he has to hit his bottom, there is nothing you can do about the current circumstances.
Personally, I would let his parents handle him and have the peace of my own space in the house. You can still have a cordial relationship with them and they can take care of their kid. Why should you or your kid leave the home. Let you AH handle his own s*** with himself and the parents. Unless you think it will be too much for them to handle and you leave him in your house.

Hi there. I have no experience of this but have been through divorce etc. Personally i would not and did not leave the family home. Once youre out its very difficult to get back in or for that matter ensure that you are aware of what is happening with a sale. Documents posted to the address you may never get to see, he could sabotage the viewings etc etc. I would let him go to his parents and let them deal with him.

I think this is, perhaps, an idea worth considering. There were no children involved when my ex-husband divorced me, but having him leave was preferable--even for me.

And yes, please, do consult an attorney ASAP, especially since the plan is to sell that house in May. That isn't very far in the future!

I agree with Seren on consulting an attorney. One never knows what is coming round the next corner and your husband has already behaved in a way that demonstrates you are not dealing with a rational and logical person and so, in this situation, you absolutely must be full metal jacket. In a way the sale of the house in May is your saviour. You have around 8 weeks to get it ready for sale and throw your energy into that.

I would not leave the house if I were you. I did leave the house and my ex trashed it. It was in such a bad state it had to be sold for way less then its value. Once I had left he refused to let me back in to see what it was like and he also ended up with all the equity out of it when it did eventually sell. Oh and he also moved people in after I left too which complicated things further...drinking buddies mainly and he never paid any bills. As I was still on the lease I had to pay half the bills he ran up. He also fraudulently claimed tax credits which meant I didn't get any for 6 months as, until the divorce was through, we were classed as a couple.

A better option would be your ex go and live with his parents ( I know the shock of finding out what he is like might be bad but they need to know anyway) ...or somewhere else but I would consult a lawyer before you do anything. Addicts cannot be trusted to do anything they promise. You could end up at his parents and he never sell the house or it end up in such a bad state it can't sell.

Well so this morning I went to him and told him that I think if I'm going to move into his mothers house that she needs to know what's going on. That I didn't really feel comfortable moving in there otherwise.

He then said "tell her whatever you want..." but it was pretty obvious that he didn't want me to. He said he didn't understand how my brain worked etc. I told him to stop saying things like that to me. That turned into a big argument where I would give him examples of ways that he called me crazy, blamed it on me, etc. And then he would defend them. I used the quacking suggestion I've seen mentioned here and it helped although I found myself struggilng to respond because I was distracted by the imagery.

Once I took myself out of the situation of the fight I felt it really hard to respond to what he was saying because it didn't make sense to me. That made me feel a little crazy? I don't think I'm crazy but when I'm around him I sure feel that way.

So I was working at home and on the verge of tears, and decided I had to get the f---- out of there if I wanted to accomplish anything. I left and went to his parents house to work. I walked in and asked his mom if I could work at their house today and I just started crying. I couldnt help it. Then she wanted to know what was going on so I finally told her.

I feel awful. I don't think it was my place to tell her but I am THE WORST at keeping secrets and it makes me act so strange around people that I'm trying to keep stuff from. I feel guilty--it wasnt my place. She isn't my mom. I don't know.

She is upset about everything and thinks he's replacing one addiction for another. She is going to go over to our house and talk to him right now. I told her it wouldn't really do much good but she was just like "he's my son--what would you do if you were me?" god I have no idea what I would do. I don't even know what *I* am doing right now.

I'm afraid he is going to go from nice, placating, give you what you want (but get the hell out of my life) husband to some vindictive person. I'm scared I just messed up my short term living situation.

He did mention that he would be willing to move out during our argument. So maybe I just pushed that scenario forward, since it would be much faster for him to move than it would be for me + child.

I know you said he hasn't been drinking for like 8 months, but you found adderall, xanax, sleeping pills and spy cameras - he is not ok. Adderall and Xanax are very addictive and easy to get (like ridiculously easy to get). I would 99% guarantee he is abusing them. My ex didn't need adderall but convinced a dr. he was ADHD and needed it to focus - he was the least adhd person I have met. He would then buy more on craigslist to supplement what he was getting from the dr. He got super paranoid and was buying cameras as well. It was the beginning of a huge downward spiral. He quickly switched from pills to street drugs (meth and heroin) and our whole life became a tornado of chaos. It took quite a while for me to catch on that he was abusing pills in the beginning and by then he was in deep. It was an out of control freight train I couldn't figure out how to get off.
My ex was using pills, not drinking, because it was easier to hide. I could tell something was off, but couldn't quite put my finger on it, and then my denial would take over and I would convince myself I was the one that was being crazy.

I'm saying this because I want to make sure you understand how serious adderall and xanax are to someone who struggles with substance abuse.

From my experience as well him stating that he want 6 months to work on himself is really 6 months for him to indulge his addiction without you all up in his business. I left my ex for 7 months at one point and he destroyed our home, most of our belongings, and was completely out of control. His shady AF addict friends moved into the house once I left - it was just gross. He wasn't trying to work on himself (never claimed he was), I left because the chaos of his addiciton was too much to live with.

I was never married and I did not own the house, but I would definitely check in with an attorney and see what you need to do to protect the house and yourself. I don't think you have to tell his parents before you move out if it is going to cause a bad or unsafe situation for you in the home, but I do absolutely believe you need to tell them when you are in a safe situation. If you move in with them, then sit down and tell them everything about what is going on. Addiction and alcoholism thrive on us all keeping secrets and not talking about what is going on honestly - I believe it also helps keep us in denial.

Good luck with whatever next steps you decide to take. Take care of yourself and your child. That is the most import part.

I just saw your most recent post - telling them is good. You did the right thing - keeping his secrets will destroy you. I used to say the same thing, it's not my place to tell them, etc. He convinced me of that. It was my place to tell them - it was my truth - I was living with a drug addict and it was devastating.

It might make him less amicable at this point, but what's done is done, and you just keep moving forward. Thinking of you during this very difficult time.

Here is a l ink to a website that might be of help to you...It is organized by state. It is educational...and, it can give you a way to start organizing your thoughts for when you do talk to a lawyer.....

www.womansdivorce.com

I just want to thank everyone for responding and showing support. These situations are ones you cant just go rant about to your acquaintances at work and feel better. I am sorry you all had to go through the things you did in order to learn the lessons than you are showing me :(

Hi Autumn, I am sorry to read your post, but happy you found us. Have faith that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, when a new member has such a similar story to mine I try not to comment too much because it can be a trigger for me. I just wanted to tell you that I understand. You are not crazy. Hold fast to your truths. You've believed his lies/manipulations for a long time, please read and learn all you can and work on your own recovery from the effects of living with active addictions. Your own healing will take time, being away from it/him will help. Also, I am a strong believer that if you say/do something with the right intentions in mind (i.e. telling his parents) that it happens for a reason and ultimately good will come from it, even if the unknown makes you nervous right now. Keep making the next right decision for yourself and your child, everything will fall into place for you. Hugs :grouphug:

Well his mom talked to him and he told her he was going to quit the cigarettes and Lexapro. Also said the spy cameras were just for watching our son and I was making a bigger deal of it that it warranted (he didn’t tell me about them when he bought them and told me used them a few times to check to make sure I was in the basement so he could go smoke)

Anyway, she says he is miserable. I’m sure he is. She doesn’t want to get into the middle of it. I totally get it.

How do I stop thinking “maybe I’m over reacting. Maybe I’m making all this up.”?

I hope hi s doctor has told him that it can be dangerous to suddenly stop antidepressants.....they should be tapered off....

Yeah he knows. He tried a couple weeks ago cold turkey and got awful headaches. He is placating her by doing something he already wanted to do hahha.