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Maybe you should stay in the family home and he can go live with his mom. Do you have legal separation agreements in your state? |
Don't leave your home. I think you will regret it and it will make it way too easy for him to continue using. You have your equity and future tied up in a home that will be sold soon. Don't compromise on this--he wants space, let him move. If he moves, his mother will be there and he may actually quit because it will be much harder for him to use around her. You really need to get to a lawyer in case he doesn't stop and things continue to go South. Him saying he's quitting is different than actually doing it. |
Originally Posted by AutumnMama
(Post 6834476)
How do I stop thinking “maybe I’m over reacting. Maybe I’m making all this up.”? He put cameras in your house without telling you. None of this is even remotely normal. You need some time away to get clarity if nothing else. You are not over-reacting. Who puts cameras in a house without telling their wife/husband? I'm sure there is a lot more that you haven't mentioned but just that one fact alone is incredibly abnormal. |
Originally Posted by AutumnMama
(Post 6834476)
Well his mom talked to him and he told her he was going to quit the cigarettes and Lexapro. Also said the spy cameras were just for watching our son and I was making a bigger deal of it that it warranted (he didn’t tell me about them when he bought them and told me used them a few times to check to make sure I was in the basement so he could go smoke) Anyway, she says he is miserable. I’m sure he is. She doesn’t want to get into the middle of it. I totally get it. How do I stop thinking “maybe I’m over reacting. Maybe I’m making all this up.”? You do need some perspective if you have any doubts that him installing spy cameras secretly in your own home without telling you is, as previous poster said, incredibly abnormal and a huge invasion of your privacy. That crazy stuff :dee |
I smell a rat here. From all you say, your husband is not to be trusted. Some good advice being given to you here. I hope you consult an attorney before you move out. This is not a good environment for any of you to be in. |
I have a bit of an update: Husband told me that he had a drinking problem long before I thought he did. Apparently he used to go through two fifths of vodka on some weekends and I wouldn’t notice. He said he had an elaborate system of fans and window openings set up in the bedroom so I couldn’t smell his breath. I feel like such a fool for not knowing! Am I nuts?! Hah. He said there’s more he needs to tell me. I get that it’s a process but that is a little scary. I found a new therapist and I met her the first time today. I have been going to see his therapist previously but I needed someone for myself that was more of a cheerleader and less of a mediator. She seems to agree with most of your comments here that something isn’t right with him. But the therapist we shared seemed to think he was doing okay so again I ask.... am I nuts? He just moved out of the house to one of his parents rental properties that’s like... a mile away. It’s slow season so he can stay there for a couple months while they fix the carpet in their house. Still not sure If I want to be the one to move in there, but I will cross that bridge when it gets closer. There are so many things up in the air with my life right now that I’m having an immense amount of anxiety. I’ve been told it’s normal but it sucks. My thoughts just get so jumbled sometimes and it’s hard to talk myself out of being anxious. At least he moved out,I guess. At least the train has started going down the tracks instead of being stuck in some neverending limbo. |
Well this week is a disaster in terms of my professional life--juggling watching a (sick) son during his spring break while having a training event for work that I have to do a presentation for (public speaking! ughhhhh!) But since my husband moved out I feel so much more in control of my thoughts/emotions. Or more equipped to handle them. It's only been a small amount of time, and I'm sure it will be a roller coaster, but I am happy for the moment. He says he doesn't like staying at the rental house, and it "feels wrong." Not the house itself, but sleeping somewhere else. I am worried he is going to want to move back in sooner. He wants to go to dinner as a family this Saturday--which I am okay with, I guess. He didn't move out so that I could pretend he fell off the face of the earth. We also committed to doing couples counseling but havent made any appointments yet--he wanted to get some 'space' first. Our 2.5 year old son is probably the most confused. He hasn't seen his dad much in the last two weeks and it's starting to affect him. When my husband came over the other day to see him he said something like "Dada, remember when you were gone? You were gone. Remember when you left?" and I think it broke both of our hearts. I realize now that I can not live with someone who goes to such lengths to lie and hide things from me--even if it isn't drinking. Even if it's just cigarettes! What's the point of being with someone if you have to do that to them?! I will never understand what makes people do it. Is it a trait of all addicts? |
take your time Autumn, don't let him set the pace or the timetable. make the best of the space and distance. if he's only gone for a week, well what's the point? i'd say AT LEAST a month.....for you AND for him. not to make him MISS YOU and therefore want to BEHAVE, we aren't training puppies here.....but spouses tend to act as buffers.....by their very presence they fill the rooms and interrupt thought patterns. you deserve some peace...... |
But since my husband moved out I feel so much more in control of my thoughts/emotions. Or more equipped to handle them. It's only been a small amount of time, and I'm sure it will be a roller coaster, but I am happy for the moment. Just think of how loud the REAL YOU is going to be in 6 months - without someone invalidating your thoughts and feelings by implying that you are crazy. More will be revealed about your husband....and yourself. Hugs, peace and strength to you - you deserve it all! <3 |
Between the spy cameras that he didn't tell you about (BIG RED FLAG!); and the elaborate system of fans to hide the cigarette smoking; and the tantalizing tidbit that "there's more I need to tell you ..." ... but not actually TELLING you the "more" because "it's a process"; and moving out but not wanting to sleep somewhere else; and committing to couples counselling but not making app'ts ... ... I am forming the opinion that there's more than a little bit wrong with your husband, in the messing-with-your-mind department. The fact that you've asked several times if you're crazy/overreacting suggests that you may be wondering the same thing. Your intuition is telling you something about this man. Please listen to it. |
Stay in your house. My AXBF trashed my house too when I chose to leave once for a WEEK. Holes in the walls and everything. It was really hard to get him out eventually and when I did, I had to get all his stuff (lots, he was pretty much a hoarder) moved too. And do all the cleaning and repairing of the walls etc in order to sell it. But luckily I was able to get him out and get what I wanted for the house and make a profit. None of which is his. We were never married and the house was mine. The profit was used to pay off debt accumulated supporting his a** but that’s another story. Moral of the story: Don’t leave an active addict in charge of a home you wish to sell. Best wishes to you! I empathize, I’m a single mom of a 3 y.o. boy now. :) |
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