Doubting myself and if he really does have a problem
 

I have read many threads, and it has me doubting. Maybe my husband doesn't have a problem with alcohol. Maybe it's just me?
He doesn't get drunk.. He can go months without.. But I don't think he could go a year. He States he doesn't Drink anymore because I hate it. But last week he had a couple beers on the way to work, and he was edgy(alcohol makes him edgy) and got into a huge argument with his bosses. He blamed drinking on the way to work on me, because he isn't allowed to drink, he has to sneak it. I just don't know. Drinking has always been a fight for past 16yrs. But he really doesn't fit the alcoholic profile. How do you know if it's just you, or they really have a problem? Ugh!

I think maybe the bigger question is do YOU have a problem with his drinking and how it affects your life? It doesn't have to fit a particular description beyond that for it to be an issue in your marriage.

I do have a problem when it, but maybe I'm wrong to.

You don't need anyone's validation to be unhappy about how much or how often your partner drinks, but it's clear that because HE isn't concerned about the consequences his drinking has on his marriage or his job, it might not reasonable to expect him to do anything about it.

In all relationships, we have to decide what is acceptable and what is unacceptable behavior, but we can't expect someone else to change to make us more comfortable. You've been arguing about the sixteen years. Is this how you want to spend the next sixteen?

If not you need to figure out what you can do to make your life better--whether that's letting go of worrying about or nagging about his drinking and living with the consequences, or letting go of the relationship altogether so that both of you can find peace elsewhere.

You don't have to decide anything right this second, however. I'm glad you found us here.

Do you ever and did you ever drink on the way to work? I haven't. Also if he is "sneaking" it that time, he is sneaking it other times. By the way, how does that make it your fault?

Two parts to my reply here: First of all, the quote above jumped out at me. Do you, or most people you know, drink before work? Does your job, or the jobs of most people you know, allow employees to show up under the influence of alcohol? In my life, the answer is a resounding NO to both questions. This behavior on his part is a big red flag, I feel. People who do NOT have a problem w/alcohol don't drink on the way to work, period.

The second part is what Sparklekitty said. If YOU are unhappy w/how things are and HE is not, then the one who needs to change things is YOU. Unfortunately, as you're beginning to see, the one thing you cannot change is him. Only he can do that, and he sees no need to.

So where does that leave you? Well, with changing the things you CAN change, which is going to be all about you. You know that saying "If you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got"? It totally applies here. I know, it seems unfair that YOU have to do the work when it's HIS problem, right? That's very much how I felt in the beginning too. Fair or not, it's the way it works--and once I came to grips w/that and started doing the work on myself, my world began to change in ways I'd never even thought about.

Hope you can take some time and read around the forum. I'd also like to suggest Alanon for some f2f support.

Keep reading, keep posting, and get to Alanon!

Maziemae....Welcome to the forum!
Yours is a question that lots of people come, with, to this forum.
I'm thinking that you must be worried about the effects on your marriage, for you to come and post about it to us.
Well...you have come to the right place...lol!

I don't think that most people know very much about alcoholism, itself, (even if they have lived around it). And...a lot of what people do think about it is a combination of "old wives tales" and urban myths.
Usually, people get schooled in the facts and natural course that alcoholism takes, is when they have a special reason to do so. (who knew?)....and, that includes professionals, too!

I am going to give you a link to our Classic Reading collection of articles. There are dozens and dozens of informational articles about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. I hope you will look them over and read the ones that appeal to you....
Knowledge is power...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html

(Note that those Classic Readings are located in out "sticky" section of the forum...just above the threads. I am going to give you a link for a diagram of what that section looks like).....below...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...find-them.html

I hope you will stay around the forum and continue to read and learn.

Drinking before work = problem. Like - a thing for which you can get fired type of problem.

Maizemae-

I don't know even many years after the fact that my husband was physically addicted to alcohol. He drank daily, mostly in moderation but ever few months would have a bender that would lead to problems.

However I do know that every time he drank I got a pit in the middle of my stomach. I know I walked on eggshells to make everything perfect so he would not feel the need to drink. I know that the consequences of those benders were scary to me. I know he apologized but the truth of the matter is that what he said without a change in behavior did not mean that the problem was done.

He said similar things to your husband. Do you know how common it is when an addiction is being challenged for the person living with the problem to want to pawn it off on something else (or someone). It was finally when I started to get support that I realized how often a loved one was "blamed" for the problem drinking. In my case it was because I was too sensitive to it.

He said, because if he was allowed to drink, then he wouldn't have to sneak a beer. The only chance he gets to drink a beer without me knowing is on his way to work..

I'm sorry, all that says to me is that he REALLY likes his beer.

Your husband knows that you don't like him drinking. Yet he chooses to stay with you anyway. You don't like him drinking, but at the moment you choose to stay with him. Neither of you can have it both ways.

That said, he also chooses to put his job in jeopardy, just so he can have a beer. He likes beer more than he likes to keep a job? Seriously?

And the whole "You forced me to..." routine. You didn't force him to do anything. You didn't put a gun to his head before work and tell him to drink. You told him what makes you unhappy, and it was totally UP TO HIM to decide what to do with that information.

When I was looking for a partner, I had a whole series of deal killers that ended the relationship immediately. Racist. Out. Homophobic. Out. Inability to eat anything else besides Italian or American food. Out too.

On the surface, that last deal killer seems really petty. But 1) I really enjoy eating and trying out new things. 2) I also wanted a partner who was amenable to traveling. A limited palate was not a good sign. 3) My parents are immigrants, and I didn't want family dinners to turn into a battleground when my partner refused to eat anything they cooked.

You may argue that my reasons for the last deal killer are still petty, but I know who I am and that is the deal.

Your husband knows you. You don't want him to drink. That is the deal.
You know your husband. He wants to drink. That is the deal too.
What you decide to do with that information is completely up to you.

SR is a great place. Keep posting.

PS. My husband eats everything.

no chance on his way home????
idk too many people that dont have a problem with alcohol drink going to or from work. seems people that dont have a problem with alcohol dont drink during a commute, either.

buuuuuut as others have said
this isnt about if HIS drinking bothers him.
which it didnt matter how many people had a problem with me drinking- that wasnt my problem.

mazie.....for someone who wants to drink...there is always an excuse. If it isn't one thing, it would be another.
Alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics. That is what they do. And they HAVE to have something to blame it on (they can't blame themselves!)....otherwise they would have to face themselves. So much easier to blame you.

Having said that....it is useless to even argue with him about. You will never "win" that argument.

A question.....is it really true that the only place and time he ever drinks anything is on his way to work?

I used to take the garbage out in those big white trash bags... and see a little brown paper bag in there. I would open it up to find an empty beer can- then there was spearmint gum and gum wrappers around but I NEVER saw him chewing gum- so he would drink on the way home from work and chew some gum, spit out the gum before he got in the door.

Maziemae, you posted about your husband drinking on the way to work just a few weeks ago. Has it happened again...or are you looking for different answers than you got last time?

I never drank on the way to work.

He got into trouble at work from drinking. As one old timer once said, "If drinking is causing you problems, you're a problem drinker.

maziemae.....how are you doing? I hope that you continue to keep posting....
The more you post, the better we can help you......

My XAH usto say that. So then I made a deal w/him. Ok, you can drink two beers. Low and behold, that did not work either, and he still drank more and hid it.

I would bet he likely drinks more than you know about.

Ultimately, if it bothers you in your marriage, it's a problem.

That's exactly how it is, awhile back we made a deal, and he couldn't even stick to that. :(. I agree I'm sure I don't know about everytime here does. :(

Do I keep posting in this thread? Sorry, I'm a newbie!

Sure, use this thread...it helps you keep track of history, yes?

The words of others can be helpful, but YOUR words, especially over time, are really powerful as it's so easy for us to revise history in our minds.

Sending you a hug.

You can start a new thread or you can continue in this one, up to you.

I like to start a new thread if I'm addressing a different topic.

I also like to start a new thread if the existing one is covering too much time or too many pages. I know that I'm unlikely to wade through 10 pages of a thread, will often just skip over it, and imagine others may do the same.

What Aries said about using your threads as a history is so true. I find an easy way to do that is to click on the "User CP" at the top left of your screen. Scroll down to "Subscribed Threads" on the left side, then click on "Subscriptions." This will show you every thread you've posted to since coming to SR.

From here, you can cancel subscriptions to threads that have become inactive or that you're no longer interested in. You can also group threads into folders using whatever criteria you like. It is indeed very powerful to go back and look over your own posts, and I'm grateful that SR provides this archiving feature!

Either in this one if it's about the same issue. Or you can start new ones. Or join in other threads.

BB

This was my addict's excuse too. It was one of his many excuses: I didn't like him using drugs, so he lied about it and did it sneakily. It is because of ME, you see, that he lied to me, and put his health in jeopardy.

Who drinks first thing in the morning? It's strange, no?

Ophilia...."Who drinks first thing in the morning?"
Answer----alcoholics.

To be fair, it's not morning, the times he has done it, it's when he is on nights. So it's around 6pm.

It's when he is on nights, so it's not morning. It's around 6pm.

This sounds like an excuse an A would make--"well, it was 6 PM, it's not unusual to have a drink at 6 PM!" No, not for MOST people, who are done with work and relaxing for the evening. However, not the brightest idea in the world for someone who is GOING to work in a short time!

I deliver for a bakery, and my punch-in time varies from midnight on very busy days to 1 AM on more normal days. As such, my whole schedule is oriented differently than most people's--I go to bed between 2 and 3 PM and get up around 11 PM. Now granted, there are definitely still people who are out drinking at 11 PM, or midnight, or even 1 or 2 AM--but that does NOT mean that it would be acceptable for ME to get up and have a beer or two before work "b/c other people are drinking at this time of day"!

Mazie, the logic just doesn't work...as several of us have said, most, if not all, jobs DO NOT allow employees to show up under the influence. In fact, in many jobs, if you hurt yourself or have any kind of accident while on the job, the very first thing that is done is a drug/alcohol test. If you're found to be impaired, things will not go well for you...

I guess because he doesn't Drink allot at a time, and he isn't the typical alcoholic. He blames having a big beer before work on me, because I won't let him drink a beer. Yes, I feel torn still. Maybe I over react. Maybe he never had a problem and it's me, but he keeps quitting to keep the marriage.. But he just does it in secret.
The other part of me isn't torn. We had an agreement last year, drink once in awhile, and once a month h he could drink as much as he wanted. Well on Thanksgiving we had a beer together, I thought all was fine. He went out to the garage, and sucked down since vodka...I was like what the hell.. To me, that shows a problem. I have other examples in another thread.

maziemae.....I think that my comment was snarky....and, I am sorry for that....
Sometimes, I don't think before I speak. (even though my grandmother warned me time and time again...."think before you speak".

mazie...please keep reading the articles in that link that I gave you to Classic Readings.
There is sooo much to learn, about this thing.

Lots of alcoholics try to "cut down"...in other words, to try and control the drinking. This does not work for an alcoholic. The only thing that works, for very long, is total abstainence.
That is usually the last thing that an alcoholic wants to hear.
Most loved ones, also. This goes against most people's logic. ***sometimes, even medical doctors don't know this!

Keep reading...keep learning....
knowledge is power.