I'm just scared he won't take care of it without a little push from me.

but you did, YEARS ago. and......

I told him this time that he has to take the initiative. A couple years ago I printed out lists of AA meetimgs as well as substance abuse counselors on our insurance and he never did anything with it. His turn. He has to care enough to take care of it.

it's not that hard to type two A's into the google.........you can't watch TV for long without some type of addiction hotline coming on. he KNOWS what to do...........he's just not DOING it. it isn't that important to HIM.

i think the fear is a little deeper.
why are you afraid he wont change?
why are you afraid your wasting time?
why are you afraid he wont get help without a push( has a push helped before?)

tomsteve...you take the words out of my mouth. I feel like the fear goes deeper, too....
I think your questions would be good ones to answer......

And I don't want someone in my life or my kids' lives who is so weak he can't say no or admit something is wrong.

Herein lies the answer.

You can't change him but you can choose a healthier life for you & the kids. There is support here for you should you need it.

Regards
Rosie

If this is the last time, you need to stick to it. My wife never gave me ultimatums, but I could see the writing on the wall. You and your kids come first....if he has to go to rehab or whatever, so be it.

That doesn't sound sad at all - it sounds like you are being clear-headed about the possibility that your husband will not seek help and his condition will deteriorate. I was once exactly where you are - and I remember how nerve-wracking but also empowering it was to start looking through the classified ads for apartments to rent, away from an alcoholic husband. It doesn't mean that you're leaving next week, it means that you are starting to move from fear and anger into imagining new possibilities for yourself, which may or may not include your husband.

For me, leaving was the best choice I have ever made in my life. That doesn't mean it is the right choice for everyone.

(I also tried to find resources for my now-ex husband to get help. He told me he knew he had a problem but he was not going to do anything about it. It sounds like my ex was putting into words the same thing that your husband is showing through his actions, or lack of actions).

You mentioned earlier that your husband is hesitant to seek help because he's worried that people at his workplace will learn that he has a drinking problem. If he doesn't stop drinking, they will definitely find out that he has a drinking problem. From what I have experienced in my own life, functional alcoholics don't stay functional forever. It would be far better if his colleagues learned about his drinking problem in the context of his attempts to get help, rather than learning about it because it's becoming more and more apparent at work that something's wrong with him.

As for how long you wait - how long do you want to wait living the way you do now? You have the right to leave tomorrow, if you choose, or to give it another year, if you choose. Ask yourself "how much longer can I tolerate living the way I am living today?", not "how long should I give my husband to get sober?".

To this I would add that it's likely that his drinking is not nearly as big a secret as he thinks/says it is. Quite possibly it has been noticed already, but people are giving him the benefit of the doubt, thinking it's an isolated incident, or otherwise excusing him. Eventually the point is reached where it can no longer be ignored, and that's when it all comes tumbling down.

I would certainly agree w/Sasha that when his alcoholism comes out into the open (and it is a matter of WHEN, not IF), it would be far better if it's b/c he's acknowledged the issue and is taking action rather than that he denies the problem and is continuing to try to hide it.

Yep, they are ALL functional--until they aren't...

I can only say that once I decided to be open and honest about my XAH's addiction, MY OWN life got lots better. I was so busy covering for him that I isolated myself and had no support for me and my own children.

I don't know your faith base, but if you have faith you may try to find a Celebrate Recovery meeting for yourself. Many have childcare, ours is free. It helped me so much, combined with therapy, and the fine people here at SR.

Addiction is out there. It's everywhere. If you (or he) cower in shame, it will put up all sorts of roadblocks from getting the help you need.

I would say his openness is coming from him seeing that you are very close to being at a decision on this soon. I would encourage you to make some firm boundaries for yourself.

You can certainly see an attorney, many times for free, to just get a feel for the situation. They are going to be familiar w/the judges in your area, and how those judges treat alcoholism in a custody dispute.

Gentle hugs.

Thank you to everyone's perspective, and for being so responsive when there are so many in need on this site! Sorry I haven't written back in so long...my kids came down with stomach bugs and I have been missing work plus trying to get them healthy; it's been a crazy week and I'm exhausted.

Plus this site logs you out and won't let you log back in on your phone sometimes. I think there's a glitch. Has anyone else noticed this?

Anyways, no news. Husband hasn't had a drink this week, which is good. He's commenting on how well he's slept this week. Amazing when you're not passed out. This weekend will be interesting. Can he make it a weekend without drinking? I've honestly become numb to it all. I'm happy he hasn't had a drink but I also know he can't stick to anything for too long, so I don't trust it to last. I don't trust anything really.

I don't want to beat a dead horse, so I just wanted to check in and let people know I'm still here. I haven't decided what my next move is yet. Just living life and busy right now. I think he knows I'm pondering things. I haven't been rude or mean to him, just a little quieter than normal maybe. I just need to think. And I still need to read over the lawyer thread posted above and do some research of my own.

Thanks y'all. Really. This helps so much.

Thanks for checking back in, JG. Don't feel rushed, or pressured--it takes time to make big decisions. Do the research, see what all your options are, get your feet underneath you. As the storm begins to calm, the water will clear, and you'll begin to see deeper into things.

It is always amazing to me how willing I was to settle, to accept so much less than what the world really could hold for me. XAH certainly had his good features too, or I wouldn't have stayed 20+ years. He fixed things, built things, didn't cheat on me or hit me, was emotionally present in the early years at least--but he also lied to me innumerable times and spent money that was not his to spend. And I wondered if that was "good enough", too afraid to be alone to consider life on my own.

Don't know if you've discovered this feature yet, but if you click on a member's name, over on the left-hand side of the page, you'll get a drop-down list of various choices. Among those choices are "Find more posts by Member X" and "Find All Threads Started by Member X." Using this feature to go back and read to see where someone started, what they've been through and where they are now can be a real eyeopener. It will also give you an idea of how some of us come here pretty much ready to let go and do so fairly quickly while others take much, much longer to make and/or act on their decision.

Take things at YOUR pace. You may not be 100% sure when it's time to leave (I don't think I was 100% sure until maybe a year after I was actually divorced!) but you'll be sure enough, and you'll act then.

Songs always reach me. I love music. My newest favorite lyrics.

http://www.metrolyrics.com/praying-lyrics-kesha.html

Jeepgirl,
I have not left my AH yet because of my 3 children but I have made great progress. The children and I are in therapy. I am setting boundaries with my AH. I am rebuilding and nurturing relationships with friends and family. I am becoming whole and happy again as are my children. Our greatest wish is for him to get help
although I know in my heart that isn't likely to happen. What I do know is that I'm laying a solid foundation and that the children and I will be okay.
I reached rock bottom and reached out for help with a psychologist. It has been life altering.
I'm so sorry for all your going through.