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-   -   My story-My husband is an alcoholic and I'm co-dependent (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/406170-my-story-my-husband-alcoholic-im-co-dependent.html)

LexieCat 06-09-2017 08:43 AM

Seeing a lawyer doesn't "mean you're leaving"--it means you are exploring all of your options so you can make decisions based on facts, not vague fears and speculation. Knowledge is power. Information is ALWAYS helpful. There may be planning you can do right now that will protect you financially, in the event you decide in the future to take that step.

And the fact that he's not "drunk" at any given moment doesn't mean he is thinking rationally. I'm eight years sober, and it took almost a year for my thinking processes to work properly after I quit drinking. While he's in the throes of alcoholism, his primary drive is the drive to drink--and that means everything will go through that filter.

firebolt 06-09-2017 09:07 AM

I second the therapy thing. One that has a lot of knowledge about addiction. And a book - Conquering Codependency and Shame. Both helped me pinpoint all that self doubt - separate how I really feel from what others say or feel about me. We take so much of what they say to heart that we forget how to listen to ourselves. Also - Alanon helped me a lot with detachment.

I also was "boring" because I didn't really drink anymore. I was angry, passive aggressive and controlling. And some of it was true.....a life with an alcoholic takes its toll, compounded on our existing issues. But - some of it was not true...and I had forgotten how to let someone think what they want....while I know my truth and let the rest go.

Hang in there - there are tools that can put a little safe bubble around you in the midst of that chaos, and crazy making. We've been there!!

And like Lexie said - a lawyer doesn't mean divorce, its just putting some information in your toolbox and in no way means you have to act.

hopeful4 06-09-2017 09:22 AM

I will just say this is progressing not only for him, but for you as well. It does come to a point that it makes you begin to feel like you are the crazy one. They practice gaslighting, they do all sorts of things to try to deflect and justify their drinking, even when they are sober.

It's a terrible way to live. I did it for YEARS.

FYI...I also talked to an attorney several years before I left. Then again right before. Just because you educate yourself does not mean you have to leave.

Hugs.

AnvilheadII 06-09-2017 09:55 AM

A lawyer to me means that I'm leaving and I'm not ready for that.

then you will keep living this nightmare, being blamed for everything. and as your AH grows angrier and his disease progresses, you could quite possibly be physically harmed.

the longer you "hear" him berate you, belittle you and blame you for everything, the easier it will become to BELIEVE him. and your self esteem and courage will diminish. you are a target - he needs someone to feel powerful over.

i advise you to reconsider making ONE into appointment to speak with an attorney just so you understand what would be involved with a divorce. knowledge is power. and Wonder Woman ain't no dummy.

flower959 06-20-2017 08:11 AM

A friend of my AHs reached out to me. He's concerned about the binge drinking. Apparently there was a confrontation (online game playing) this past weekend, and he wants to talk to him. He's asking me to talk to my AH so that they can mend things up.

This is the first that anyone has ever reached out to me about my AHs drinking. I'm surprised that it's taken this long, but I wished that more people cared like he does.

Maudcat 06-20-2017 08:53 AM

What does your husband's friend want you to talk to your husband about, flower?
If it is about his drinking, I think I would stay out of it and let the two of them talk.
In fact, while it is a comfort to know that someone else has noticed that your spouse drinks too much, I am not sure what your part in it is.
I see ablaming situation--spouse to you--in the making here.
Who needs that?

flower959 06-20-2017 09:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maudcat (Post 6505097)
What does your husband's friend want you to talk to your husband about, flower?
If it is about his drinking, I think I would stay out of it and let the two of them talk.
In fact, while it is a comfort to know that someone else has noticed that your spouse drinks too much, I am not sure what your part in it is.
I see ablaming situation--spouse to you--in the making here.
Who needs that?

He just wants me to talk to him about reaching out to him. He wants to keep him as a friend and mend the fences. He sees me a bridge to this.

I posted this because I'm not quite sure how to word it and how much I want to be involved. I think he's going to be angry that this guy contacted me. And, I know that he's going to talk to him about the drinking because that's what fueling the arguments. But I've thought about the blaming as well which is why I'm hesitant.

SparkleKitty 06-20-2017 09:09 AM

It is their friendship, I say you leave it to the two of them.

honeypig 06-20-2017 10:41 AM

Yep, his friend, his problem to deal with. You have no place in the middle of this, flower.

tomsteve 06-20-2017 01:38 PM

My story-My husband is an alcoholic andI'm co- dependent

ya want to start being a codie for hubbies friend?

tell the friend to get his big boy pants on.

AnvilheadII 06-20-2017 01:58 PM

Your AH's friend should man up and call your AH directly and leave you out of it. now, if he had been calling to see if YOU were ok, safe, secure, that would be one thing - but asking you to relay messages FOR him - uh NO. you are not anyone's errand girl or messenger service. these aren't two 8 year olds standing at opposite corners of the sandbox that need adult intervention and supervision. NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Irnldy001 06-20-2017 03:11 PM

I won't tell you what to do - although you can see there's some very strong feelings here.
I will say that if you are choosing to live a life with an alcoholic spouse then you will need to develop a lot of tools for yourself so that you can remain as healthy and happy as possible.

1) Develop a full and rich life outside of the home. You have no children, so no responsibility to be around on weekends.

2) You need to stop paying attention to his drinking - how much, how often, days of the week, what time it started, his level of drunkness etc..

3) Don't interfere. Don't question, don't guilt, don't manipulate. And don't for a minute think that an alcoholic will quit/start/change for you because they love you so much.

4) Choosing to live with an alcoholic is a lesson in acceptance. At some point if you choose to remain it will likely involve home healthcare as well. As you have chosen this path, learn what to do with your resentments. Alanon can be very helpful - it's not just an organization for people to learn how to walk out on a spouse. It's very much also for people who either choose to stay or have no choice (children of alcoholics for example). Use their tools to remember to stay in your lane and make your life about you.

firebolt 06-20-2017 04:14 PM

Yeah, I'm with everyone else....its your hubs and his friends deal.

You are in a happy, safe, peaceful detached bubble!

LexieCat 06-20-2017 04:42 PM

Agree--let them work it out. Kids in HS use go-betweens, grownups do not.

flower959 06-21-2017 06:43 AM

Thanks everyone! I'll be taking the advice and staying out of it.

Sometimes, I feel like I get sucked into the crazy vortex and just need some voice of reason to yank me out.

LexieCat 06-21-2017 07:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flower959 (Post 6506301)
Thanks everyone! I'll be taking the advice and staying out of it.

Sometimes, I feel like I get sucked into the crazy vortex and just need some voice of reason to yank me out.

We've all been in that vortex and are happy to be the voice of reason for others who find themselves there. It's much, much easier to be objective about someone else's situation than it is our own.

That's why we edit each other's writing in my job. :)

Loneshewolf13 06-25-2017 08:04 PM

How?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Irnldy001 (Post 6505514)
2) You need to stop paying attention to his drinking - how much, how often, days of the week, what time it started, his level of drunkness etc..

I struggle with this so much. How does one stop? I feel just as sick as he is by incessantly counting and watching as if I have any control which I know I don't...

Loneshewolf13 06-25-2017 08:14 PM

Ditto!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by flower959 (Post 6365596)
I hate spending weekends with him. I dread Fridays because that begins the binge. I just hate who he is when he drinks. On Saturday, he plays his video games so heís not even around me. However, I know what heís doing. I can hear the multiple trips to the frig, and it disgusts me. Iíve searched multiple times for hidden alcohol but Iíve never found any. I watch the level on the vodka bottle. Sometimes, I pour some down the drain. Iíll check the trash bin for empty beer bottles. Iím not sure what I expect to accomplish by doing these things.

Your story could have been written by me there's so many similarities between our AH's. I feel the same way about weekends. Everyone else is excited to spend time with their spouses yet I'm hoping whatever we end up doing he doesn't drink too much or doesn't get too annoying because he's been drinking all day. I'm hoping he only has 12 beers instead of 20. This way of living isn't really living yet I can't seem to get off the ride. Nothing I suggest is a good idea unless alcohol is involved. But I'm like you in that I love spending time with him when he's sober. That's what keeps me there. Thanks for sharing and letting me know I'm not alone.

FallenAngelina 06-26-2017 05:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flower959 (Post 6491598)

Yes, I've been to Al-anon.

You're asking how to not monitor his drinking and Al-Anon is the place to start. Are you participating in the Al-Anon program? The more you share with us, the more it's clear that you need broad support and a soul-recovery program, such as Al-Anon offers.

hopeful4 06-26-2017 08:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Loneshewolf13 (Post 6512716)
I struggle with this so much. How does one stop? I feel just as sick as he is by incessantly counting and watching as if I have any control which I know I don't...


You at least understand the concept that you have no control. Thing is, this behavior robs you of your life. It becomes your life. Only you can decide when you have spent enough time dedicated on a behavior that is doing nothing but making you feel like the crazy one.

Said from someone who has been there and done that....for years.


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