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-   -   My story-My husband is an alcoholic and I'm co-dependent (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/406170-my-story-my-husband-alcoholic-im-co-dependent.html)

pizza67 06-14-2019 02:58 PM

Me too
 
Mine is now saying that I am blaming the family dysfunction on him when I say that his alcoholism makes the kids disrespect him and exacerbates their oppositionality. And he sees no reason why he should even try to moderate his drinking. And Iím a ďPuritanĒ. They can do such verbal gymnastics when they are confronted.
Quote:

Originally Posted by caroelle (Post 7205849)
Hi Flower, I just received email notifications that this post has been updated and I now remember reading this post a couple years ago when you posted it. I remember thinking that you and I are living the same life. I never thought I would post on a forum such as this but I really find comfort in reading what you are going through because I'm going through the exact same thing.

Your AH and your relationship sounds exactly like mine. I learned about co-dependancy after finding this forum a couple of years ago and have been working at not trying to control him or his drinking. It's heartbreaking watching him from the sidelines. I just wish he could see how much better he is and how life could be if he just stopped drinking.

My husband isn't violent or abusive but he is annoying and obnoxious when he has been drinking and I stay with him because when he's sober, he's that person that I love again. I also have that hope every day that "today is the day...."

I hope you keep updating us here because as much as others are helping you with advice, you are also helping others by sharing.


flower959 06-24-2019 11:25 AM

I'm finding that I'm dreading weekends with my AH. I actually get some peace in the house when he finally passes out. There have been a few more outbursts targeting me; I think he's gradually becoming more and more verbally & emotionally abusive. It's absolutely, without a doubt in my mind, getting more frequent.

There was something that happened yesterday that made me suspicious of another type of activity, possibly infidelity. I just don't know how to confirm it. I didn't sleep at all because I simply couldn't get out of my own head. I cried a couple of tears, but mostly I'm just angry. I'm running out of tears.

I have reached out to an attorney for a consultation. Ugh, they're expensive! Next step is calling to schedule the appointment and getting the cash for it so it doesn't show up on the credit card bill.

AnvilheadII 06-24-2019 02:12 PM

untreated alcoholism is progressive, which means the associated behaviors and choices also change as the disease continues. more aggression, more picking fights, more fault finding, more random bizarre weirdness. as long as you are there, you are a target.

it's likely there is "other stuff" too - could be drugs, women, strange online activity, spending sprees........

speaking to an attorney, with some quickness, is truly you doing you a favor. this stuff doesn't get better, it just gets worse. and going down hill, tends to pick up speed. your situation today is likely to be the best it's gonna get........1 year, 3 years, longer from now? more damage, less options, more time for him to beat you down, destroy the finances, etc.

Hawkeye13 06-24-2019 02:15 PM

As my alcoholism progressed, I also went from being a relatively "happy" drunk to increasingly aggressive, dark, and began to target my spouse with verbal attacks.

This is quite common.
I second what Anvil said above--it's going to just get worse, and maybe much quicker than you expect.

Protect yourself legally, but also prepare for personal attacks which may be quite shocking in their intensity.

flower959 06-26-2019 05:39 AM

I woke up this morning thinking about how this has progressed. The incidences are getting more frequent and bizarre. I've always thought, "no way, my husband would never do something like that." I think I'm starting to just realize that is complete BS. I feel like there are 2 sides of him, and the 1 side is gradually taking over the other. I do not like this new person he's becoming.

AutumnIsHere 07-11-2019 08:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flower959 (Post 6464369)
So just an update. It's been while since I've checked in here. This week has been a rough one. Last night when I came home from work, my husband had started on dinner and had a glass of wine waiting for me. I immediately suspected that he had been drinking. He had to travel for work during the day and most likely got home a little earlier than normal. Any ways, I did not notice any beer on the counters or his normal "drinking glass". However there was an open can of Sprite sitting on the counter. He stepped outside to tend to the grill and I took the opportunity to take a sip from the can of pop. Sure enough, it was liquored up. I feel deceived and hurt. He has been drinking and according to my knowledge, it's still on weekends (Friday & Saturday, with sometimes a day during the week if we go out to dinner). I'm wondering how often he's done this. Pretending to be drinking a can of pop, when it's been added to?! He's hiding it from me. I've looked multiple times throughout the house over the last few years and have never found anything hidden. I haven't talked to him about it yet. I'm pretty sure that he saw me set the can down after I took a sip. He ended up dumping it out and getting a real can of pop which he opened in front of me. I've been really quiet with him because I'm disappointed. I'm just at a loss on why he is now (or has he been doing it for a while) being secretive.

my boyfriend did they same thing. He has these hiding places you wouldnít even try to think of and would pour vodka into water bottles or pop cans.

This sounds like itís progressing. In my experience if it starts to become that they are hiding it and being deceitful itís the warning sign that itís about to get way worse.

I hope he decides to get the help he needs before it worsens

flower959 12-23-2019 11:04 AM

Does anyone else get anxiety about the holidays when it comes to your Alcoholic spouse? Do you worry about what's going to happen? My AH has extra time off around the holidays, and it just increases my anxiety. I hate that. I hate knowing that he's home when I get off of work. I wonder what I'll head into as I walk in the door.

There have been some updates since I last posted here. Things have transpired yet nothing has transpired. Does that sound crazy? I'm letting things run their course. We're fighting quite a bit now. It seems to get into a cycle. We fight, things get a little better, we slowly slip back into the "old ways", then we fight. It starts all over.

I'm now in counseling for myself. We talk a lot about my marriage. The counselor doesn't think that I'm co-dependent. She says that I definitely have some tendencies, but the label is too strong for me (her words). Interesting. I do think that I've improved on that area.

I'm just having a tough time lately. And the stress of the holidays just adds to it.

trailmix 12-23-2019 11:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flower959 (Post 7339617)
Does anyone else get anxiety about the holidays when it comes to your Alcoholic spouse? Do you worry about what's going to happen? My AH has extra time off around the holidays, and it just increases my anxiety. I hate that. I hate knowing that he's home when I get off of work. I wonder what I'll head into as I walk in the door.

There is a way to discard the anxiety. What do you normally walk in to at a holiday break? He goes on a bender? Well instead of "hoping" he won't be - just accept he will be. You've dealt with this before so really it's just more of the same.

Hopefully you have a plan for a place to go to if you need a break?

Quote:

Things have transpired yet nothing has transpired. Does that sound crazy? I'm letting things run their course.
Doesn't sound crazy, nothing changes if nothing changes. In reading back on some of your posts - nothing has changed.

Last holiday I saw was memorial day I think, he drank.

Quote:

The counselor doesn't think that I'm co-dependent.
That's a good thing but are you happy and content in your relationship? That's probably the more important issue?

flower959 12-23-2019 12:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by trailmix (Post 7339633)
There is a way to discard the anxiety. What do you normally walk in to at a holiday break? He goes on a bender? Well instead of "hoping" he won't be - just accept he will be. You've dealt with this before so really it's just more of the same.

Hopefully you have a plan for a place to go to if you need a break?



Doesn't sound crazy, nothing changes if nothing changes. In reading back on some of your posts - nothing has changed.

Last holiday I saw was memorial day I think, he drank.



That's a good thing but are you happy and content in your relationship? That's probably the more important issue?

Yes, I have a couple of options if I need to get away short term.

He drinks every holiday, every weekend, & any time that he's home really. He's finding more reasons to stay home from work. He's hiding it better. When we fight, I can see how mind blowing ridiculous things are (the stuff he says). I can also see how manipulative he's become. He knows just what to say in order to get me back in line. I know he's likely drunk when I head home from work and that's why I dread going home to him. He's ruined our HOME. I like the house, but I don't like what should make it a HOME.

Happy and content? No way.

I have an attorney lined up but haven't moved forward with it. I'm getting counseling because I want to be a stronger person. I want to find myself again. That may be without him.

trailmix 12-23-2019 12:43 PM

I think that is a brilliant step flower, the therapy.

It's good you have a lawyer lined up, so you will have your information and be able to move forward with that if you decide to.

It's your timeline.

Are you detaching at all? I notice you said you have these ridiculous arguments - well what he says is nonsense and he has become really good at manipulating you.

The solution for that is to detach. You don't need to allow yourself to be drawn in to the alcoholism. You don't need to participate in the insanity, how about just observing, not participating, because what is the point?

flower959 12-23-2019 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by trailmix (Post 7339664)
I think that is a brilliant step flower, the therapy.

It's good you have a lawyer lined up, so you will have your information and be able to move forward with that if you decide to.

It's your timeline.

Are you detaching at all? I notice you said you have these ridiculous arguments - well what he says is nonsense and he has become really good at manipulating you.

The solution for that is to detach. You don't need to allow yourself to be drawn in to the alcoholism. You don't need to participate in the insanity, how about just observing, not participating, because what is the point?

Yes, I struggle with not engaging at times. I just get so angry and I can't keep that anger pent up inside me. I usually try my best to ignore, but once in a while something will just be too much for me to ignore. I do know better than to fight with him when he's drinking but sometimes that just goes out the window. I'm not perfect. :lmao


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