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-   -   My story-My husband is an alcoholic and I'm co-dependent (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/406170-my-story-my-husband-alcoholic-im-co-dependent.html)

flower959 05-24-2017 09:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by firebolt (Post 6470080)
Hang in there flower, and keep working on making a happy life for yourself - regardless of what he is doing - you'll get there! Can you just get out this weekend? Plan a little get away for yourself, or with a friend? Why hang around and watch the trainwreck ? I remember the holiday anxiety all too well.... HUGS!

Yes, I need to work on my flower bed and do all of my hanging flower pots and patio pots as well. I can also take my dog to the park, do some shopping, or workout. I do find that weekends are better when I have something planned for myself. It usually doesn't work out for me very well when I plop myself on the couch and watch TV all weekend. It gives me too much time to think about what's happening around me. I do have trouble with friends though.

I think that I've lost a lot of friendships and I do blame the alcoholism. I'm ashamed of his drinking so I have gradually avoided social get togethers more frequently. I don't want anyone to really come over to our house and be subjected to it. He's not violent or anything; I'm just embarrassed TBH. I do have a very close friend, but she doesn't live in the same city and she has a large family. We schedule outings here & there. I have confided in her yet she doesn't really understand the alcoholism and has made suggestions that make me cringe. I have a work friend that I talk to a lot but I talk to her about anything BUT my AH. She doesn't know and that's because she's a bit of a gossip. Other than that, I'm afraid to admit that my friends are lacking. It's something that I've struggled with especially in the last few years. It's been better though.

firebolt 05-24-2017 09:31 AM

Quote:

I think that I've lost a lot of friendships and I do blame the alcoholism. I'm ashamed of his drinking so I have gradually avoided social get togethers more frequently. I don't want anyone to really come over to our house and be subjected to it. He's not violent or anything; I'm just embarrassed TBH.
Thats pretty common - I did the same thing. I avoided my family as well :(- anyone that would catch a glimpse of what I was choosing to live with.
Meetup.com is a great place to meet some new people with common interests.

And for what its worth, I think we avoid telling people what is actually going on for a few reasons

we're scared of judgement
we're embarrassed
and were scared of being told we need to leave

cause we'll have to admit it to ourselves....and once we do, well feel like we have to act on that....and that is very, very difficult.

I hope you can let go of fear, get out there and meet some new people, and maybe even tell a friend your story. It helps!!

Ariesagain 05-24-2017 09:35 AM

Does he know that alcoholics can't ever drink socially? Sometimes what seems self-evident to those of us who have researched and lived this for a long time isn't obvious to those who are trying to avoid the whole thing?

He may still think this is just a question of willpower and controlling his drinking. It's not your responsibility to educate him, but I just wonder...

PhoenixJ 05-24-2017 10:28 AM

no. I was your husband. My story (see thread if int.) tells that. I destroyed my family. Alcohol in a way was a mask. You are not to blame. Stay safe. Learn from here and plan YOUR life, not just in orbit around anxiety for the next binge, you deserve better. Empathy and support to you.

flower959 05-30-2017 07:34 AM

An update from the weekend-

AH did what he was going to do. I think I kept pretty busy over the weekend. It went by so fast! We ended up going to visit my family because my brother made a last minute trip from out of state. AH actually did not start to drink until after we returned home from the visit. I was thankful for that. He did drink Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights. I did NOT check the level on the vodka bottle all weekend & I did not dump anything out. When he passed out on the couch on Sunday night, I just left him where he was & went to bed. I did not lose sleep. He did try to get me to drink with him on Sunday night as well. I did not; I just dumped out the drink.

I got in a few workouts. I did all of my flower pots, hanging pots, mulched the flower bed, and planted all of my annuals. I added a few perennials as well. I also cleaned up the front porch furniture & hosed down the porch itself. It looks much better now.

Maudcat 05-30-2017 07:59 AM

Sounds good, flower. I have been mulching and planting as well. Saturday and Sunday weather was okay on this long holiday weekend, but Monday was a total washout. Cold and rainy.
Take care of yourself. Here when you need us.

hopeful4 05-30-2017 10:15 AM

Flower, I think you are doing a wise thing. I got like this too, why even bother to discuss it if you are not there to do anything about it, and he is not either.

I would find my XAH's cans, bottles, whatever. I would just sit them on the table and say nothing. My life was a bit more peaceful after that.

It's really good you are focusing on YOU. Keep posting, you are not alone!

firebolt 05-30-2017 10:31 AM

Sounds like a good weekend. I'm glad you enjoyed it and got some rest!

I got my flower pots planted this weekend - feels so good!!

flower959 05-30-2017 10:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by firebolt (Post 6478150)
Sounds like a good weekend. I'm glad you enjoyed it and got some rest!

I got my flower pots planted this weekend - feels so good!!

It's a lot of work, isn't it!? I enjoy doing it for the most part though. AH did help me with the mulch part. It's hard for me to lift and carry those bags of mulch. Whenever I get into a landscaping nursery, I just get so overwhelmed by all of the choices. I want this, and I want that. . . . They're all so pretty!

flower959 06-02-2017 07:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariesagain (Post 6470166)
Does he know that alcoholics can't ever drink socially? Sometimes what seems self-evident to those of us who have researched and lived this for a long time isn't obvious to those who are trying to avoid the whole thing?

He may still think this is just a question of willpower and controlling his drinking. It's not your responsibility to educate him, but I just wonder...

He doesn't think that he's an alcoholic. He wants to desperately be able to drink socially like "normal" people do (I do too!). He just hasn't come to terms with the fact that he's an alcoholic and alcoholics process alcohol differently than non-alcoholics. He needs education on the subject but I've stepped out of the equation as much as possible. I've told him before, several times, that he was either going to be an active drunk or he would have to completely abstain. There would be no middle road for him. He is in denial. He doesn't want to stop. It gives him a high; he feels invincible.

When I first started to voice my concerns about the drinking, he denied that he was an alcoholic for a long time. Then he finally admitted it. However, he only "admitted" it to shut me up. He later confessed that and went back to his denial. However, I had a small talk with his mother last year about it and she had told me that my husband asked her if she thought that he was an alcoholic. So I know, that the thought of possibly being one has entered his mind. She told him YES and she doesn't even know 1/4 of what goes on.

So, he's practicing "controlled" drinking, which I think will ultimately fail. I hate to be negative. I try to look for positivity; it helps my mood! I'm in the process of reading Understanding High Functioning Alcoholics, which has been helpful. I read something and say "YES! That's my husband right there!". The book talks about "controlled" drinking and how successful it is amongst alcoholics. It's not successful AT ALL. He's trying to control his drinking. Yet I feel like he's standing (teetering) on top of a dam, and I'm behind the wall protected. Water is flowing through at a decent by managable rate. I've got water boots on, an umbrella, and also a floaty that has a pin hole leak in it. I'm just waiting on the dam to give in. Once it gives, he'll drown and so will I. My life saving supplies are powerless over the alcohol (the water). I feel guilty for wanting to get out of the water before the dam breaks. I want to save him too. I'm not yet ready, but I know it's going to happen eventually. I want to make the most of the marriage before I have to bow out.

Jaeger 06-02-2017 07:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flower959 (Post 6482207)
It gives him a high; he feels invincible.

This is spot on. I heard an AA speaker describe it as being able to take the first deep breath. In the Big Book the Doctor describes it as "the sense of ease and comfort." That's some pretty powerful stuff.

I also want you to know that when that dam breaks, you don't have to drown also. There's help available.

Hugs!

ArtMachine 06-02-2017 09:25 AM

I played this game with an alcoholic partner for 13 years, nothing actually changed until I kicked him out and even after our break up, he's been in and out of AA. The more we focus on them: snoop and count drinks, etc., we are not living our own life. I agree with the person who suggested outings, friendship and time away... it will get you used to loving yourself again and let him have his path, which you can't change by observing and confronting or being silently upset about.

I am telling you all of this so I will remember it for myself and keep applying it to my own relationship with my son who struggles with addiction.

flower959 06-06-2017 07:21 AM

When AH came home from work on Friday and says "we should celebrate", my heart just sank. Sure enough, something good happened at work and therefore we "had" to celebrate with margaritas. He was on a high. Anything gives him a reason to drink-a high, a low, the sun coming up, the stars are out at night. Y'all know what I'm talking about. There was an incident that night as well. Saturday night, he tried to get me to drink with him again. *sigh*

I've been thinking (oh no! LOL). There's going to be a boundary in place starting this weekend. Maybe seeing Wonder Woman gave me a little bit of woman strength!

flower959 06-09-2017 06:33 AM

I'm so frustrated so I'm going to vent here. 2 nights ago, my AH went golfing and that, of course, "requires" drinking. He tried to get me to drink with him after I got home from work (there was a glass of wine waiting for me on the counter). I proceeded in pouring out the glass of wine down the kitchen drain. I do like to have a glass of wine here & there. I'm trying to lose weight and alcohol is the easiest thing for me to cut out of my calories. Additionally, it feels like enabling him and I don't want to do that either. He knows how I feel about it but he continues to trying to get me to drink with him. So because I dumped it out, he got upset over it. I didn't do it in front of him, btw. He then proceeds to try to get me to engage him in an argument but I didn't take the bait. He did say something disturbing (& confusing) to me, which I ignored. I had thought about it all day yesterday. So last night, I wanted to know what he meant by saying what he said. The heated conversation began. I just feel like he completely blame shifted me. He says that I was passive aggressive because I didn't drink the glass of wine. HUH? I told him that I learned to never engage him when he's drinking. The conversation escalates and ends up being about more than what I even intended. Apparently, I'm boring to him. Of course I'm boring to him! He also said that he's never told me that he wasn't an alcoholic. WTF?! Seriously!? We've had many conversations about this! I guess now he DOES think he's an alcoholic but he CAN control it.

I feel like I'm going crazy! It's one way this week & another way next week. Per him-it's my fault, I'm boring, I'm angry, I'm passive aggressive now (it's a first for that one), I make him feel like **** for drinking, and I don't appreciate him. He asks me "Do you think that you're actively working on improving the marriage". So for me, that implies that he believes I'm not. Now I'm doubting myself. Am I really this person he says I am?!

honeypig 06-09-2017 06:40 AM

Is there anything really new here, flower? Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes...

LexieCat 06-09-2017 07:06 AM

You're expecting logical, reasonable behavior from an addict.

You're taking his absurd comments to heart and allowing them to hurt you.

These are classic deflection tactics, as you seem to see on some level, but you are allowing them to get to you and cause you to question yourself.

Have you been to Al-Anon? Talked to a lawyer?

flower959 06-09-2017 07:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by honeypig (Post 6491500)
Is there anything really new here, flower? Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes...

Nope, nothing new!

I think he really expects me to bow down at his feet & I should be so grateful to have him as a husband. Oh, and one of my favorites from last night. . . . . . I need to "let go" of the last decade of drunkenness and stop punishing him. :headbange:headbange:headbange

SparkleKitty 06-09-2017 07:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flower959 (Post 6491528)
Nope, nothing new!

I think he really expects me to bow down at his feet & I should be so grateful to have him as a husband. Oh, and one of my favorites from last night. . . . . . I need to "let go" of the last decade of drunkenness and stop punishing him. :headbange:headbange:headbange

I think if you want to find peace, you might have to "let go" of something -- whether it is the relationship, your expectation that he will behave differently, or your resentment when he doesn't, that's up to you.

flower959 06-09-2017 07:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LexieCat (Post 6491524)
You're expecting logical, reasonable behavior from an addict.

You're taking his absurd comments to heart and allowing them to hurt you.

These are classic deflection tactics, as you seem to see on some level, but you are allowing them to get to you and cause you to question yourself.

Have you been to Al-Anon? Talked to a lawyer?

I'm expecting rationality from someone that isn't drunk. He's a smart guy, yet I can't wrap my head around why he doesn't see things the way that I see them. I do know that he's deflecting onto me. I truly do know that. And yes, I'm taking the comments personally & allowing them to hurt me. Yet, I KNOW that I shouldn't. It's so frustrating!

Yes, I've been to Al-anon. No, I haven't seen a lawyer. A lawyer to me means that I'm leaving and I'm not ready for that.

SparkleKitty 06-09-2017 08:21 AM

He might not be drunk in any given moment, but he is still an addict, and that distorts thinking and behavior as much as the actual substance.

I'm sorry you're in this position, flower. I know just how frustrating it is. A therapist really helped me move past a lot of things that had me stuck in recovery.


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