Mentally Moved On
 

As I was taking my daily walks the last two evenings, I noticed my thoughts were on how I might think and feel should I divorce from AW. Was thinking about things I might do, how 'free' I might feel. Yes, I also thought about taking care of DS alone, and the house by myself, and the sadness and angst that goes along with a marriage breaking up.

But there was also a sense of calm that I felt, a sense of relief that might
Also come about by removing an active A from the household.

I read so many posts here of people trying to hold on to their spouse, gf/bf. Me, I think I'm ready for the break. The only thing that makes it difficult is our 6 yr old DS.

Nothing big here, just thought I would share. Since sharing my thoughts and feelings are something with which I have trouble, I guess this is my therapy for the day!!

You're rehearsing your next life...I do that, too.

And the fact that your reaction is the word "free" instead of "scared" says you're ready.

Good for you!

The difficulty for your DS6 is just trading one for another. IMO, difficulties of dealing with divorce and separation are easier (and more widely supported and understood) than dealing with the often-invisible difficulties of living and growing up with an alcoholic parent.

You sound calm and healthy. Proud of you for sharing!

I am at the same place your at. Luckily the kids are grown but we have been together almost 30 yrs. With a business a splitup will be expensive but I am fed up with living with an active A. Adding bipolar is not a help either. She is stuck with the BP for life but the addictions are a choice.

Don't let the anxiety of the future catch up with you. It's a step at a time, and you are going to do great!

I think "trying your decision on for awhile" is a great way to acclimate yourself to what lies ahead. There is no way you can fully prepare for every detail of how things will transpire, but it's such a great sign when you can try the decision on for a few hours and examine how you would feel, without feeling abject terror.

I fantasized about a life without XABF for a long time before I left. It kinda became my mind's 'happy place."

And maybe it's a "The Secret" kinda deal....but for me, when I envisioned it, it eventually became how it was.....and it was just as sweet, if not sweeter than I had imagined. My life and the misery I had with the X seems like a surreal dream, rather than a huge part of my past, and I cannot fathom ever living in that kind of situation again.

A few months after going NC were awful - off and on, but always had an overlaying sense of peace, and the peace is eventually what took over - and now, I will remove people from my life as needed and mercilessly to protect it.

Keep daydreaming - it leads us to action.

(((COD)))

I am happy you are coming to terms with the reality of the situation and that you are playing the tape forward and realizing that you can have a life where you feel free and not anchored to an active addict.

While it might be difficult to raise your DS and run the house without your AW, I truly believe that in the long run it will be a lot easier to just run the house on your own without all the worries that come with having an active addict in the house. Also, your DS might be upset for the short term about the divorce, but the pain from a divorce compared to the pain of a lifetime living with an active addict are not comparable.

In the end you need to do what you believe is best for YOU and your DS and I think each day you get closer and closer to deciding exactly what you want.

Ahhhhhh... I remember that feeling well. When my first AH kept beating me down saying he wanted out, I remember finally seeing the light and accepting the fact that it would actually be a GOOD thing for ME to split. It was like a huge weight had been lifted from me. However, we did not have children, so there was no burden about the "extra work" that would put on me. In your case, you should frame it as being important you're removing your DS from the toxicity of an A household and the "extra work" will be worth it.

My AXBF is gone from my home, a situation I have fantasized about for awhile. The chaos is gone. Peace and calm and freedom flow through my home. Yes, I am taking care of my son and my house by myself. But in all honestly, I was doing most of that anyway, only with tons of added stress, mess and drama while AXBF was living here.

I have dreams, aka nightmares, that he is still here, still doing the same things...scaring me with unpredictable moods and activities, starting arguments, etc. What a relief to wake up instead to only my baby crying. Even if I am the only one getting up with him. Like I said, that part hasn't changed much anyway.

AXBF is in treatment at the moment, so this situation is temporary. I imagine there will be some sort of shared custody when he gets out if he is serious about recovery, but he will not be coming back to my home. He was kicked out, then chose to go to treatment I think as a last resort.

Warm thoughts and best wishes to you.

I understand completely thinking about a future life beyond active addiction of a spouse. I do it too. It is a sort of calm space for the mind. Funny how our mind does that. Almost as if it knows it needs to get back to a place of peace and healing, and that is the way it knows how.

Not true. I think this is a big step! Whether you are intentionally forming those thoughts or not. Wishing you well.

Divorce comes and goes, you feel hurt, but you get better. Being married to an active A who does not even think of recovery is not what a marriage is supposed to be. That person is already in a very committed relationship with somebody else.

a child needs, at least, one stable and healthy parent and a peaceful, secure environment.....at least, half the time.......

dandylion

Ugg, I've had dreams like that. Waking up just sure someone was drukenly yelling at me, slamming doors, etc. They invoke that same type type of terror as my being chased by a zombie / ax murderer / Satan himself dreams.

THankfully, they are getting further and fewer in between!

I was right there where you are last year.

I threatened to leave last January but talked myself into staying for another year. (Truthfully, I was scared to leave and was looking for any reason at all to stay).

And like you I considered what it would be like to not have an alcoholic in my life. And I planned for the day when the other shoe would drop. I think I read here that spouses of alcoholics get to a point where they are always waiting for the final straw. When my breaking point finally arrived this January I was calm, focused and ready.

And it feels so good looking back after 6 months of peace and sanity.

Yes, Nero.....it seems easier to stay in the comfort of known misery than to face the fear of changing......
Same thing applies to alcoholics as well as their partners......

dandylion

Sounds like a big step to me COD; like you've turned a corner in your Acceptance which will make it easier to be able to Let Go fully, IMO. :scoregood

Is there a reason that you haven't considered a separation even if you aren't quite ready for divorce? (I'm just thinking that for some, it can be easier to baby-step from married to separated to divorce. I don't really remember you ever talking about it, but I'm getting the feeling that for you it's more black/white - either you're married OR divorced, not interested in middle ground?

It's amazing, isn't it, how just the thought of not having to deal with a loved one's addiction on a daily basis can be so freeing?

DS was 3 going on 4 when I left AXH. He was 6 when I filed for divorce. After we left and before the divorce, we'd created a nice little rhythm for our lives that was only occasionally interrupted by the appearance of his father. The divorce, and the time leading up to it, created a huge upheaval. It was hard and so painful, probably for all of us, but I know it was hard on DS and I.

Even though it didn't feel like it (oh, man, did it ever NOT feel like it), going through the upheaval of a divorce is a relatively temporary situation. Eventually, it did settle down again. It may not have been exactly the routine or daily rhythm that I imagined, but it did stop feeling like a constant magnitude 8 or 9 earthquake.

Keeping a rhythm in place for DS for the times he was with me helped him adjust to the overall changes. It was something he could count on: our days will be about like *this* for the most part. I also found a play therapist for him and AXH's attorney FINALLY got him to agree to it part way through the divorce. She helped DS and gave me pointers on how to address issues when they came up.

I found that keeping DS and what was best for him in mind while I went through all of the divorce and custody things helped me not crumble completely.

Best wishes

I think this is a good thing :)

FireSprite - I realized I never answered your question. In Ohio, we can have separation, but I'm not thinking how that could help - I think that might just muddy the waters. I think, in order to make my point, that it would have to be full-blown divorce proceedings. Maybe I'm wrong, and I will discuss that with the atty. if it comes to that.

As I wrote in another post, I'm pretty much checked-out of this marriage, and feel that moving on would be the best for me and DS. I'm kind of a black-and-white kinda guy anyway, so it makes more logical sense to me. And, at this point, I think it would be difficult, if not impossible, to turn my feelings around, and be back in a truly loving marriage.

COD.....these days there are support groups for people preparing for, going through, or have divorced...which deals with all the issues that come up for those in that kind of circumstance......
I have heard very good things about peoples experience with this.....

to me....the better prepared for a difficult journey--the better!

dandylion

To whom are you hoping to "make a point"? If it's your wife, I'd forget about that. She doesn't care, and will probably respond to either course of action the same way.

If it's the court, I don't think filing for separation vs. divorce is going to undermine your credibility one bit. Many people opt for separation on the path to a divorce. I'd go with whatever will get your home stabilized the quickest. An attorney could give you the best advice on that.

I echo so much of what has been said here. Is it exhausting taking care of the home and 2 little ones, all while working fulltime and running my own business? Absolutely. However, now that my STBXAH is out of the house, I swear the amount of energy I have has doubled simply because I am no longer dealing with the stress that comes with him and his issues. I think being 100% on my own and realizing I can do it ALL on my own is a really important step in my healing. Whenever I'm ready to move on and date, I will know that I don't NEED someone else to rely on. Only now that he's been out of the house for awhile, am I able to look back and really understand the craziness I was living in.

LOL....looking from the historical perspective.....for eons....women have been raising much of the world's population without household help...and,often without any financial assistance and a minimum of resources. And, they have successfully gotten the young from the nest to independence.....

I'm thinking that if a woman can do it...men have the ability to do the same.....

dandylion

I have no doubt in my mind I can do it!! I can't sew (which she can, but rarely does), but I cook, clean, do bills, do laundry, iron, kiss boo-boos away, etc. And, I can do it all, while being quite sober.

COD....yea for you...as you have the practical stuff locked down......
Zero problema for you on that front.

Can you imagine how hard that would be if you were in the throes of alcoholism?
sometimes, the best thing for an alcoholic is to get out of their way...

dandylion

Hi CoD,
In my state, according to my attorney, a separation costs the same as a divorce but has few legal consequences. Early on I considered it as an option but that was when I was looking for legal means to get my STBXAH to realize his problem was serious. Later, like you, I realized that I was ready to give up and move on.

P.S. It can be really nice on the other side. :)

Yes, a separation here was going to cost a lot as well, especially adding in the custody issue. I was advised by my attorney at that time that I was better off just to get a separate bank account and start building up my funds (I had nothing at that time). I was also better off b/c there was no custody agreement at that time, and my X had no interest in spending time w/my kids one on one.

In this state, once you file, there is an immediate stay preventing you from moving money, insurance, moving kids out of state, etc. Go against that and it's contempt of court.

All of that changed when I actually filed for divorce. However, it had gotten to the point of no return by then.

It's a process, and one that you should have good legal advise on.

Excellent points, hopeful. The real lesson here is that the law varies SIGNIFICANTLY from one state to another, and it's best to get professional guidance from a lawyer to determine what will be the best for your unique situation and concerns.

I have a lawyer all lined up once I decide to make the next move. It's going to be a battle, especially in regards to custody. I have documented proof that she can't be a parent after DS goes to bed, so he should have ZERO overnight stays with her. That will P*** her off big-time, and she will fight hard for that.

I'm not mentally or emotionally equipped to handle this on my own - that's why we have lawyers