Feeling hopeless, looking for success stories!
 

I've just read through absolutely loads of posts from people who have gone through the same thing as me and now I feel completely hopeless because it seems that there is only one way this can possibly go.

Is there anyone out there who has a success story of managing to stay married to an alcoholic and remain sane and bring up their kids to be normal human beings who do not have major issues?!

As a kid growing up in an alcoholic home, I'd say no to the last part at least.

Growing up in that kind of dysfunction is just incredibly damaging.

It models addiction as a "solution" to pain, unreasonable compromise of needs from the sober partner to the addict,
denial of truth in the family, and that isn't even getting to the part where the addict directly hurts the child emotionally
when drinking either by anger, guilt, or ignoring them.

I'm a recovering alcoholic now, and I have intimacy issues due to being raised like that so I'm not the success story you are looking for,
unfortunately, but the number of posts you've been reading should be telling you the odds are certainly not in your kid's favor.

I know this is really really hard to hear, and I hope your partner chooses recovery instead of forcing you to a very difficult choice.

With an active alcoholic? No.

With a recovering alcoholic WORKING a recovery? Yes, I consider myself a success in progress. :)

DD11 has most certainly been affected (unavoidable) but she's not destroyed by any means.

That doesn't mean it can't change tomorrow. If either of us fall down on our recoveries, it'll hurt everyone. Part of *my* success is in trusting myself enough to know that I am always going to be ok no matter what surprises come my way, & that I'm teaching DD the same.

I am also an ACoA, my father was an alcoholic & drug addict. My mother's codependency is still suffocating & has often been more difficult to manage than dad's addictions. DD is my mini-me; she looks, walks, talks & thinks just like me - but in the ways that matter, she's the opposite of who I was at her age - confident, secure, open, authentic. The difference is due to being raised with BOTH parents in recovery & providing her with education & tools to manage the things that affect her, far earlier in life.

JMHO & I absolutely realize I'm in the minority on this.

With an active alcoholic not possible.

In recovery yes. However, I think it requires both spouses to be in recovery just as important to deal with codependency issues and out side of the street as the alcoholic side.

My husband and I are a success story. lots of work to get there.

It's a virtuous cycle with NO end , unless you change the ending . My story's pretty much like the other post's . Brought up by alcoholic parents , which in turn - I became one - which on turn - messed up my children life's .
Your children will either grow up resenting there father & or you for staying in it . Or worse ( if that's possible ) become just like him - thinking it's normal :(
Your the only one that can brake it . I know these are tough words , but it is what it is .

Nyinabo, I'm going to refer you to the following 2 places. I think reading these might change your thinking about what a "success story" really is.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html

And I especially like this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html

Maybe we can resurrect that 2nd one and get some new posts on it--I know there are many here who didn't see it the first time around and who definitely have something to add to it!

Ditto to what everyone else said above. And, the recovery phase is SO difficult. I have just lived 8 months of my life I never thought I would have lived. And, it isn't over YET.

I was coming back to do this same thing, :tyou.

Ny, the Success is in knowing your boundaries, honoring yourself, defining the life you want & going after it. Including your alcoholic partner means they have to be on board with all of that & work as hard for it, if not harder in some ways. But you can't *make* them want it. You can't control what that other person will or won't do & that's why it very, very often comes down to separation/divorce in order to having a shot at that happy life you've been visualizing when you are dealing with active addiction or a sober-but-not-recovering alcoholic. My success is that I got brave & took control of my life. (very different than the illusion of control I'd been living with.)

ShootingStar1's story is arguably one of the most enthralling, eloquent & inspiring stories you can possibly read here on SR.


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rd-health.html


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-choosing.html

FS, thanks for posting about Shooting Star^^--that is some seriously great stuff, and it makes the hair on my neck stand up every time I read it...

Again, I hope that those who are newer here and maybe haven't seen Shooting Star's posts the first time around will get a chance to look at them now. It is well worth the effort.

ME TOO! I got chills just skimming the threads to make sure I was linking the right posts!

I know that it is partly due to her way with words; but her compassion, determination & bravery as she forged forward into the uncertainty that she faced takes my breath away every time I read her story. She FOUND herself in all of this & I think that's the greatest gift any of us can receive in recovery. :grouphug:

I asked the same thing once I got here and realized the magnitude of the problem of alcoholism in my household.

My definition of success has changed substantially now that I am out of the situation.

I think we have to change our mindset from feeling like the success of the family has to mean 'the alcoholic recovers', to one of 'the family will be happy and healthy NO MATTER WHAT.' We already understand that means life without an active alcoholic in the picture..... Our downfall in this line of thinking is that if we wait long enough, they MIGHT get better when the fact is, we do not have to live with it TODAY.

Wanted to take the opportunity to include Wisconsin's amazing thread here, just in case the OP would miss it:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ess-story.html

Go go GO, Wisconsin! What a story, what courage, what a gal!!

It's astonishing the common patterns you learn. Usually they have grown up in an alcoholic environment. Its usually multi generational. It usually continues.

Its a crushing disease.

I think defining "success" is key to achieving it.

For me, with an active A, success right now is protecting my kids from his insanity, allowing his hurtful actions & words to bounce off me, and detaching with love by living each day in the moment.

Sometimes true success is breaking free and moving on. We don't have any control over another person's thoughts or actions, but our destiny lies within our own hands. Hugs to you & praying for your "success story" <3

Since I was in a painful relationship with someone verbally abusive, my success story was leaving. That and learning that I was never going to change the other person, he is who he is. Happiness is being with healthy, giving people. Children are the real victims since they have no choice. While I can learn to diminish the damage of an active alcoholic, they can't.

The bit about your DD is amazing to hear and so encouraging! Openness and providing kids with the tools they need to manage are almost as crucial as love I think.

Part of the reason I'm not too enthralled at the prospect of just getting up and leaving (which is very tempting I have to say) is that I am no angel. I have my own issues stemming from my own family which, although they are not as in-your-face as the alcoholism, are certainly as damaging. There is no guarantee that leaving my husband would ensure a happy stable childhood for my kids. From what I've seen so far (we're only 3 years into parenting) he provides them with what I lack and vice versa. I imagine that, if I left, the stress of trying to bring them up alone would bring out the worst in me and I would have defeated the object of leaving.

Does that make sense??

Knowing how your life is right now, since that is all you can depend on I have to ask why do you want to stay? What are the positives that are outweighing the negatives?

Thank you, I have read these already, that was partly what got me feeling so hopeless! I get that success looks different to everyone but almost everyone on this forum seems to have had no other choice in the end but leave... :(

If the alcoholic seeks true and lasting recovery, and you also work a recovery program, there is hope.

If what you're asking is can you have a happy family life living in the periphery of an active alcoholic
whose disease continues to progress (as it always does if they continue drinking) then I suppose you are right.

I am curious why you would think children, or a spouse could do more than survive in such a situation?
The person they are married to is an addict, and no longer a fully participating partner.

Marriage takes two.

When you say that it seems "better" for the kids to stay than it does to leave, you are also making that assessment based on how things are at this moment. Alcoholism is progressive, and it tends to progress slowly, by degrees. By the time you realize how bad things have gotten, a lot of damage can be done.

I'm not saying it's impossible for kids to grow up as reasonably happy, reasonably well-adjusted adults with an actively drinking alcoholic parent in the home. Based on what I've observed, the odds are heavily against it. I guess it comes down to Dirty Harry: "Do you feel lucky?"

None of us has a crystal ball--if we did, life and its many difficult decisions would be a lot easier.

You don't have to make any decisions this minute. But I think getting involved in Al-Anon could help clear your head so you can see what's going on with a clear head and make the best possible decisions when the time is right.