You are a good person with a real bad picker. Focus on you, why you chose these people, and how not to choose these type people.

Your reality check is that EVEN IF this person decided to get into recovery it is a very hard and long road. Very hard on a relationship. I'd need to see YEARS of recovery before entering into a relationship with an alcoholic.

I had years with my RAH and he relapsed anyway. He got back on track and is doing fantastic but if we had kids - he'd be long gone. Your children deserve stability.

Move along.

I've stayed single 3 yrs because I knew it was time to stop the madness. In this time, I did date "men" who were just as bad as the last, so I knew my inner healing still needed some work.
What I came to discover was how it was I, ME, responsible for the mess. I was fully responsible. What I was doing was reliving my story from my parents over and over and over. Never was I allowed to be authentic at home and was always put down, so I kept recreating this over with men (and friends).

You can tell yourself over and over and listen to us tell you or remind you how bad this situation is, but the truth is, you only heal and stop the madness once you tap into and connect to your inner child and grow up in a sense and heal.

Wishing you love and healing...I know how hard this i

The commitment I've made with myself at this point in my life is:

I will only engage in a relationship with someone who ENHANCES my life. (My life is pretty great, so this commitment alone has an impact on my choices!)

I expect relationships to require some "work" and compromise, but if it ever feels like the percentage of time and energy going toward challenge and uncomfortable conversations is greater than that spent in happiness, this isn't the right relationship for me.

Even if someone is extraordinary, or handsome, or interesting to me, it doesn't mean they are a good fit for a relationship. I can enjoy or admire someone, I can claim them as friend, but I will only get intimately involved with people who I feel treat me with respect and kindness.

My intention is to find my partner, a single committed relationship. That means that in the zillions of people of the world, I am only seeking one. Many will pass by that are ALMOST the person I am seeking, and that's just fine. They can pass on by. I only want to find my partner.

I enjoy being single. I love spending time with my puppy. I have interesting work, a cute cabin, fabulous friends. I like reading and movies and hiking and yoga. I am financially independent. There is NO REASON to take on a relationship with someone who is unkind to me. When I had small children, or times I have been financially fragile, there WAS a reason to sometimes stay in a crappy situation, but at this stage of my life, the only reason to have a partner at all is to enjoy them. So they'd better be enjoyable!

Finally, I want to grow with someone who is also committed to growing. Every human being has aspects of themselves that hold potential growth. Whether they have issues with substance abuse or are not fit or struggle with anger or any other challenge - my expectation is that they will be actively working on this area of their life. There are many ways to instigate change, and I'm open to their individual approaches, but I want to be in a dynamic relationship with someone who cares enough to grow. Being in recovery and surrounded by folks committed to personal growth, I can't imagine being able to sustain interest in someone who is stagnating.

These personal guidelines are flexible and simple, and they are helping me sort out potential lovers who present themselves in my life. Just today, I let go of a fellow who I find very attractive and have history with, who had "returned" to my life for the umpteenth time. That decision was made clear without even having to go past "rule #1" - that he ENHANCE my life. I was feeling stressed, uncomfortable, unsure, unsafe, not gorgeous, anxious that he like/want me...all indicators that this was NOT an enhancing relationship which contributes to me feeling good about myself and having MORE fun than I'm having now, as a single...

You are wise...I'm absorbing all the good advice!

Hi Sunsun, here's a question. Are you crazy? I'm sure you're not, but even considering moving in with an active alcoholic who has previously been 'verbally abusive and physically threatening'; what are you thinking? Of course it's all going to happen again.

Ask yourself what part of you thinks that if a man asks you long enough and persistently enough that at some point you have to give in.

As for exposing your children to this again; don't they deserve a long period free from this frightening and drunken man? They have no-one to protect them but you.

Never believe the words of an alcoholic. Look at his actions.

wow heartcore. love love love your post

+10K, heartcore--what a healthy, hopeful, INSPIRING post! Thanks for sharing. I'm saving it to my "Wisdom of SR" folder for my future reference. The part about wanting to be involved w/someone who is growing rather than stagnating especially hit home for me.

Wonderful post, wonderful way of looking at things.

No I'm not considering moving in at all. I've cut him out of my life completely. I occasionally go into dreamer mode, funnily enough it's not about him the A man, but rather the fictitious idea of what might have been. Hence the reality check!!!!