Someone give me a reality check!
 

Hi everyone

I have been reading, reading, reading for years now, also here. Now it is time for all that reading to be rammed into me, because it is clearly not sticking to my brain.

I am 50 years old, highly educated, I speak 7 languages, not bad looking, fun and have a lot of friends. I am a single mum of two fantastic kids 11 and 14.
I grew up in war zones, earthquakes, hurricanes and picked up PTSD on the way.

Divorced 10 years ago from my man-child ex H not an A but a raving narcissist, abusive and cruel, who still enjoys not paying for his kids and the chaos that ensues. We were married for over 20 years. He left when the kids were babies for a woman 20 years younger, and made us homeless and me pennyless.

4 years later I dared to let my guard down and fell into the clutches of a psycho who did a great job of grooming me for a year and half and proceeded to fleece me to the tune of many tens of thousands of pounds.

Now I also have C-PTSD. I meet a lawyer who helps me out, long story short, we start a relationship and turns out he is a raging alcoholic in full angry denial.
3 years later, after a year of setting hard boundaries, I will not have anything to do with him while he drinks, I have slammed the virtual door on it all and had enough.

This man is 53 and has been drinking hard for over 30 years. Every day when not working from 12 o'clock until he goes to sleep 12 hours later. 3 to 4 bottles of wine every day. When he works he starts early so he can be in the pub at 4 and drinks enough to get drunk but still function the next day. He has been in rehab, had DUI's, been to prison, has no sober friends, divorced twice, countless affairs and his 3 grown up kids want nothing to do with him. He can hold a job down (very high paying while it lasts) but invariably within 2 years he gets the sack.

So this is where the reality check comes in. I kicked him out of the house almost 2 years ago, he was extremely verbally abusive and physically threatening. He stopped drinking for 4 months. Started again, lost his job and went on a 5 month bender ending up pennyless. Stopped another 5 months, started on his latest bender at New Year. He started work again as a consultant with a couple of days off every week + weekends free.

It is of course all my fault because I will have nothing to do with him while he is drinking. I will not move in with him until he commits to sobriety with AA and therapy, and he will not give up until "I compromise and move in with him". He is cruel, angry, resentful, distant and totally disinterested. On the other hand, when sober, he professes undying love and life long commitment (if only I would enable him, obviously).

I KNOW the 3 C's, I have attended Alanon and I am in hardcore therapy as well. I know he will do anything to protect his addiction. I know it will not get better only worse.

So, having now left him to it, blocked my phone etc. Can you all kindly remind me WHAT A HOPELESS CASE HE IS.

Thank you, I think you are all amazing.

Compromise what exactly? Your sense of safety? Your right to a peaceful life? Your personality? Your very soul?

I would ask you this: Looking at this man, with all that he is -- what is it you want?
(Or, as my sponsor would say "What in that hell do you want?")

You've lived through a lot of pain and suffering. And as it happens, I spent time with a psychiatrist yesterday who said something along these lines:

When you've been exposed to put-downs, insults, denigrating comments about your person during a long period of time, a part of your brain starts believing them. You subconsciously build a storyline around who you are (I'm a failure, I'm ugly, I can't do anything right). And then you interpret reality and make choices based on that subconscious way of defining yourself.

So something good happens to you, and it makes you nervous. Because you don't deserve good. So you choose to walk away from the frighteningly good and instead choose the dysfunctional again, because it is what you know and what you don't know makes you uncomfortable.

Are you choosing to consider staying in yet another dysfunctional relationship because you don't think you deserve better? Are you choosing to consider taking this man back because pain and suffering is what you're used to, and you're not quite sure what you would do if you didn't have it in your life?

Just questions to ponder. (((hugs)))

Read your own words again and again until you can recite it like a script. You know what this man IS, screw who he MIGHT be IF he gets sober. We are around the same age. This is our second act dear. Don't waste it on this pshycho!

This; from Wayne Dyer...
Write the following affirmation and repeat it over and over again to yourself: I am whole and perfect as I was created! Carry this thought with you wherever you go. Have it laminated, and place it in your pocket, on your dashboard, on your refrigerator, or next to your bed—allow the words to become a source of high energy and self-respect. By simply carrying these words with you and being in the same space with them, their energy will flow directly to you.

Wow, what a survivor you are! It sounds like you have incredible strength....you will survive this one too....you are much better off without him. I know, easier said than done...sometimes our hearts and our minds don't feel the same way...

Thank you everyone. I put it differently to my psychiatrist: if you have no experience of what 'healthy' love is - trust, loyalty, support, companionship, laughter etc - its a challenge to know what it feels like or be able to tell the difference between a good and a bad relationship.

Lillamy you are right, a lot of understanding comes with life experience and also deciding enough is enough.

Duckygirl, my wish is to re-write the script of my life, as I want it to turn out for my kids and I.

SadinTX - I have spent many years in sadness, a lot of bereavement, trauma, abuse. It does break parts of you forever. I have made mistakes, who hasnt?

The reality check is to remind myself that my HP keeps slapping me real hard sometimes and I forget to listen.

The transition from being 'down' to seeking active recovery is hard. It's a full time job.

I think that's really true. And then you keep second-guessing yourself -- am I asking too much? Am I exaggerating the problems? Should I be happy with what I've got?

I've decided that any time I ask myself "should I be happy with what I've got?", that question tells me I shouldn't. Because when you are happy with what you've got, you don't question it. You're just happy.

I had to suss all this out in counseling over time. I've never really had a supportive relationship, or one where I could always count on someone, or emotional support. I have figured out how to give this to myself, but now I'm figuring out what this looks like in a relationship.

After I split with my XAH, I was celibate and NOT INTERESTED in a relationship for a couple of years. When I chose my next partner, I hung out with him and vetted him casually over time to see how he was with other people, his family, his friends, etc., over some months. I didn't tell anyone this, I just knew he liked me and I had my eye on him. When I was sure I knew what I was getting, I agreed to see him more seriously.

Every other relationship I've had, I found myself in it (how did I get here? how did I get here again?), I went for people I knew weren't going to be awesome to me and made excuses for them or why I didn't deserve it, or I even sabotaged relationships with nice people to choose someone who wasn't.

I mean, to me it sounds like you're at an impasse. A saying folks say here that I love is, "If someone shows you who they really are, believe them."

That angry drunk is your guy. Is that what you want in your life? Your kids' lives?

That is the troubling bit. How do we know if we've never known it? I remember after my H left, I was on my own for 3 years, first time in 20 years. I got to know myself, worked hard with a counsellor, got stronger. It felt good.

I count my blessings, most importantly two bright, conscientious, kind, beautiful kids who are thriving because I have always been able to keep my f...ups away from them.

The impasse is of my creation. Should I shouldn't I? Ridiculous because I know I cannot trust him at all. My gut is screaming run run run. So I am.

I need the reality check for those moments where the '?' pops up. It's about training your mind to think differently. Freeze the heart re. the A, move on. Love the good stuff only.

:tyou

Yes. I have this wish too. I think it keeps me stuck - stuck from what I'm not really sure but it isn't healthy to hang on to it IMO. It is a wish that is impossible. There is no hope in this wish - no forward movement.

I think it is OK to take a break and re-group sometimes.

The man you describe in your post is the reality. That man is not good for you and can never bring you real happiness and you know this logically. Perhaps the wishing that it can be different pulls you back from that reality? It is hard to accept that we are not going to get what we were promised. It was harder for me to let that go than it was to let the actual person go. Once I was able to mentally frame that letting the man go became MUCH easier.

I have been single for the last twenty years.

There are worse things than being alone. I actually prefer it, and can't imagine going back to the world of living with a man. Believe me, I tried. On and off for twenty years with a few different partners. There are far too many women (and men) who will put up with horrible behavior. I will let them deal with it. No thanks.

One of my boundaries is, "I don't want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic."

I have let go of the man awhile back, I cannot even countenance seeing him or speaking to him. My re-writing of the script of my life is meant as the incredible opportunity to start again, clean-ish slate. Not looking back.
You are right though, it is the as yet unrealised dreams, lost in broken marriage and relationships with empty arid people.

The sad bit is that all we are wanting is love. What other people seem to be able to achieve, sometimes. I have a mother devoid of warmth, empathy, compassion. A father who had a massive stroke 22 years ago, he lived another 17 years, a tenth of the man he was. And three bad, weirdo men.

Animals are good, friends are good, children are good. Enough to heal for a bit.

He's 30 plus years into his alcoholism you were 3 years into it, do the math.

Be thankful you are out and do everything you can to stay out. His drinking was ther long before you came along and will remain long after you are gone. Learn from his own children and 2 ex wives.

I totally understand what you're saying about wanting to start with a clean slate, and at our age it's nice to think that our relationships will be long-lasting and stable. So, when you think of the qualities of your ideal long term partner, do any of the following feature on your list?

Yep - sounds like the ideal man to me! And as an extra added bonus, he's trying to blame you for all the above!!! What a trooper!

Re-read this post.........many times a day.

Thank you all, just what I needed. Onwards and upwards.

You are a good person with a real bad picker. Focus on you, why you chose these people, and how not to choose these type people.

Your reality check is that EVEN IF this person decided to get into recovery it is a very hard and long road. Very hard on a relationship. I'd need to see YEARS of recovery before entering into a relationship with an alcoholic.

I had years with my RAH and he relapsed anyway. He got back on track and is doing fantastic but if we had kids - he'd be long gone. Your children deserve stability.

Move along.

I've stayed single 3 yrs because I knew it was time to stop the madness. In this time, I did date "men" who were just as bad as the last, so I knew my inner healing still needed some work.
What I came to discover was how it was I, ME, responsible for the mess. I was fully responsible. What I was doing was reliving my story from my parents over and over and over. Never was I allowed to be authentic at home and was always put down, so I kept recreating this over with men (and friends).

You can tell yourself over and over and listen to us tell you or remind you how bad this situation is, but the truth is, you only heal and stop the madness once you tap into and connect to your inner child and grow up in a sense and heal.

Wishing you love and healing...I know how hard this i

The commitment I've made with myself at this point in my life is:

I will only engage in a relationship with someone who ENHANCES my life. (My life is pretty great, so this commitment alone has an impact on my choices!)

I expect relationships to require some "work" and compromise, but if it ever feels like the percentage of time and energy going toward challenge and uncomfortable conversations is greater than that spent in happiness, this isn't the right relationship for me.

Even if someone is extraordinary, or handsome, or interesting to me, it doesn't mean they are a good fit for a relationship. I can enjoy or admire someone, I can claim them as friend, but I will only get intimately involved with people who I feel treat me with respect and kindness.

My intention is to find my partner, a single committed relationship. That means that in the zillions of people of the world, I am only seeking one. Many will pass by that are ALMOST the person I am seeking, and that's just fine. They can pass on by. I only want to find my partner.

I enjoy being single. I love spending time with my puppy. I have interesting work, a cute cabin, fabulous friends. I like reading and movies and hiking and yoga. I am financially independent. There is NO REASON to take on a relationship with someone who is unkind to me. When I had small children, or times I have been financially fragile, there WAS a reason to sometimes stay in a crappy situation, but at this stage of my life, the only reason to have a partner at all is to enjoy them. So they'd better be enjoyable!

Finally, I want to grow with someone who is also committed to growing. Every human being has aspects of themselves that hold potential growth. Whether they have issues with substance abuse or are not fit or struggle with anger or any other challenge - my expectation is that they will be actively working on this area of their life. There are many ways to instigate change, and I'm open to their individual approaches, but I want to be in a dynamic relationship with someone who cares enough to grow. Being in recovery and surrounded by folks committed to personal growth, I can't imagine being able to sustain interest in someone who is stagnating.

These personal guidelines are flexible and simple, and they are helping me sort out potential lovers who present themselves in my life. Just today, I let go of a fellow who I find very attractive and have history with, who had "returned" to my life for the umpteenth time. That decision was made clear without even having to go past "rule #1" - that he ENHANCE my life. I was feeling stressed, uncomfortable, unsure, unsafe, not gorgeous, anxious that he like/want me...all indicators that this was NOT an enhancing relationship which contributes to me feeling good about myself and having MORE fun than I'm having now, as a single...

You are wise...I'm absorbing all the good advice!

Hi Sunsun, here's a question. Are you crazy? I'm sure you're not, but even considering moving in with an active alcoholic who has previously been 'verbally abusive and physically threatening'; what are you thinking? Of course it's all going to happen again.

Ask yourself what part of you thinks that if a man asks you long enough and persistently enough that at some point you have to give in.

As for exposing your children to this again; don't they deserve a long period free from this frightening and drunken man? They have no-one to protect them but you.

Never believe the words of an alcoholic. Look at his actions.

wow heartcore. love love love your post

+10K, heartcore--what a healthy, hopeful, INSPIRING post! Thanks for sharing. I'm saving it to my "Wisdom of SR" folder for my future reference. The part about wanting to be involved w/someone who is growing rather than stagnating especially hit home for me.

Wonderful post, wonderful way of looking at things.

No I'm not considering moving in at all. I've cut him out of my life completely. I occasionally go into dreamer mode, funnily enough it's not about him the A man, but rather the fictitious idea of what might have been. Hence the reality check!!!!