Someone give me a reality check!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 36
Someone give me a reality check!
Hi everyone
I have been reading, reading, reading for years now, also here. Now it is time for all that reading to be rammed into me, because it is clearly not sticking to my brain.
I am 50 years old, highly educated, I speak 7 languages, not bad looking, fun and have a lot of friends. I am a single mum of two fantastic kids 11 and 14.
I grew up in war zones, earthquakes, hurricanes and picked up PTSD on the way.
Divorced 10 years ago from my man-child ex H not an A but a raving narcissist, abusive and cruel, who still enjoys not paying for his kids and the chaos that ensues. We were married for over 20 years. He left when the kids were babies for a woman 20 years younger, and made us homeless and me pennyless.
4 years later I dared to let my guard down and fell into the clutches of a psycho who did a great job of grooming me for a year and half and proceeded to fleece me to the tune of many tens of thousands of pounds.
Now I also have C-PTSD. I meet a lawyer who helps me out, long story short, we start a relationship and turns out he is a raging alcoholic in full angry denial.
3 years later, after a year of setting hard boundaries, I will not have anything to do with him while he drinks, I have slammed the virtual door on it all and had enough.
This man is 53 and has been drinking hard for over 30 years. Every day when not working from 12 o'clock until he goes to sleep 12 hours later. 3 to 4 bottles of wine every day. When he works he starts early so he can be in the pub at 4 and drinks enough to get drunk but still function the next day. He has been in rehab, had DUI's, been to prison, has no sober friends, divorced twice, countless affairs and his 3 grown up kids want nothing to do with him. He can hold a job down (very high paying while it lasts) but invariably within 2 years he gets the sack.
So this is where the reality check comes in. I kicked him out of the house almost 2 years ago, he was extremely verbally abusive and physically threatening. He stopped drinking for 4 months. Started again, lost his job and went on a 5 month bender ending up pennyless. Stopped another 5 months, started on his latest bender at New Year. He started work again as a consultant with a couple of days off every week + weekends free.
It is of course all my fault because I will have nothing to do with him while he is drinking. I will not move in with him until he commits to sobriety with AA and therapy, and he will not give up until "I compromise and move in with him". He is cruel, angry, resentful, distant and totally disinterested. On the other hand, when sober, he professes undying love and life long commitment (if only I would enable him, obviously).
I KNOW the 3 C's, I have attended Alanon and I am in hardcore therapy as well. I know he will do anything to protect his addiction. I know it will not get better only worse.
So, having now left him to it, blocked my phone etc. Can you all kindly remind me WHAT A HOPELESS CASE HE IS.
Thank you, I think you are all amazing.
I have been reading, reading, reading for years now, also here. Now it is time for all that reading to be rammed into me, because it is clearly not sticking to my brain.
I am 50 years old, highly educated, I speak 7 languages, not bad looking, fun and have a lot of friends. I am a single mum of two fantastic kids 11 and 14.
I grew up in war zones, earthquakes, hurricanes and picked up PTSD on the way.
Divorced 10 years ago from my man-child ex H not an A but a raving narcissist, abusive and cruel, who still enjoys not paying for his kids and the chaos that ensues. We were married for over 20 years. He left when the kids were babies for a woman 20 years younger, and made us homeless and me pennyless.
4 years later I dared to let my guard down and fell into the clutches of a psycho who did a great job of grooming me for a year and half and proceeded to fleece me to the tune of many tens of thousands of pounds.
Now I also have C-PTSD. I meet a lawyer who helps me out, long story short, we start a relationship and turns out he is a raging alcoholic in full angry denial.
3 years later, after a year of setting hard boundaries, I will not have anything to do with him while he drinks, I have slammed the virtual door on it all and had enough.
This man is 53 and has been drinking hard for over 30 years. Every day when not working from 12 o'clock until he goes to sleep 12 hours later. 3 to 4 bottles of wine every day. When he works he starts early so he can be in the pub at 4 and drinks enough to get drunk but still function the next day. He has been in rehab, had DUI's, been to prison, has no sober friends, divorced twice, countless affairs and his 3 grown up kids want nothing to do with him. He can hold a job down (very high paying while it lasts) but invariably within 2 years he gets the sack.
So this is where the reality check comes in. I kicked him out of the house almost 2 years ago, he was extremely verbally abusive and physically threatening. He stopped drinking for 4 months. Started again, lost his job and went on a 5 month bender ending up pennyless. Stopped another 5 months, started on his latest bender at New Year. He started work again as a consultant with a couple of days off every week + weekends free.
It is of course all my fault because I will have nothing to do with him while he is drinking. I will not move in with him until he commits to sobriety with AA and therapy, and he will not give up until "I compromise and move in with him". He is cruel, angry, resentful, distant and totally disinterested. On the other hand, when sober, he professes undying love and life long commitment (if only I would enable him, obviously).
I KNOW the 3 C's, I have attended Alanon and I am in hardcore therapy as well. I know he will do anything to protect his addiction. I know it will not get better only worse.
So, having now left him to it, blocked my phone etc. Can you all kindly remind me WHAT A HOPELESS CASE HE IS.
Thank you, I think you are all amazing.
Loving a more peaceful life
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: England
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by Sunsun 
he will not give up until "I compromise and move in with him".
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I would ask you this: Looking at this man, with all that he is -- what is it you want?
(Or, as my sponsor would say "What in that hell do you want?")
You've lived through a lot of pain and suffering. And as it happens, I spent time with a psychiatrist yesterday who said something along these lines:
When you've been exposed to put-downs, insults, denigrating comments about your person during a long period of time, a part of your brain starts believing them. You subconsciously build a storyline around who you are (I'm a failure, I'm ugly, I can't do anything right). And then you interpret reality and make choices based on that subconscious way of defining yourself.
So something good happens to you, and it makes you nervous. Because you don't deserve good. So you choose to walk away from the frighteningly good and instead choose the dysfunctional again, because it is what you know and what you don't know makes you uncomfortable.
Are you choosing to consider staying in yet another dysfunctional relationship because you don't think you deserve better? Are you choosing to consider taking this man back because pain and suffering is what you're used to, and you're not quite sure what you would do if you didn't have it in your life?
Just questions to ponder. (((hugs)))
(Or, as my sponsor would say "What in that hell do you want?")
You've lived through a lot of pain and suffering. And as it happens, I spent time with a psychiatrist yesterday who said something along these lines:
When you've been exposed to put-downs, insults, denigrating comments about your person during a long period of time, a part of your brain starts believing them. You subconsciously build a storyline around who you are (I'm a failure, I'm ugly, I can't do anything right). And then you interpret reality and make choices based on that subconscious way of defining yourself.
So something good happens to you, and it makes you nervous. Because you don't deserve good. So you choose to walk away from the frighteningly good and instead choose the dysfunctional again, because it is what you know and what you don't know makes you uncomfortable.
Are you choosing to consider staying in yet another dysfunctional relationship because you don't think you deserve better? Are you choosing to consider taking this man back because pain and suffering is what you're used to, and you're not quite sure what you would do if you didn't have it in your life?
Just questions to ponder. (((hugs)))
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Read your own words again and again until you can recite it like a script. You know what this man IS, screw who he MIGHT be IF he gets sober. We are around the same age. This is our second act dear. Don't waste it on this pshycho!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
Originally Posted by lillamy
When you've been exposed to put-downs, insults, denigrating comments about your person during a long period of time, a part of your brain starts believing them. You subconsciously build a storyline around who you are (I'm a failure, I'm ugly, I can't do anything right). And then you interpret reality and make choices based on that subconscious way of defining yourself.
Write the following affirmation and repeat it over and over again to yourself: I am whole and perfect as I was created! Carry this thought with you wherever you go. Have it laminated, and place it in your pocket, on your dashboard, on your refrigerator, or next to your bed—allow the words to become a source of high energy and self-respect. By simply carrying these words with you and being in the same space with them, their energy will flow directly to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Wow, what a survivor you are! It sounds like you have incredible strength....you will survive this one too....you are much better off without him. I know, easier said than done...sometimes our hearts and our minds don't feel the same way...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 36
Thank you everyone. I put it differently to my psychiatrist: if you have no experience of what 'healthy' love is - trust, loyalty, support, companionship, laughter etc - its a challenge to know what it feels like or be able to tell the difference between a good and a bad relationship.
Lillamy you are right, a lot of understanding comes with life experience and also deciding enough is enough.
Duckygirl, my wish is to re-write the script of my life, as I want it to turn out for my kids and I.
Lillamy you are right, a lot of understanding comes with life experience and also deciding enough is enough.
Duckygirl, my wish is to re-write the script of my life, as I want it to turn out for my kids and I.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 36
SadinTX - I have spent many years in sadness, a lot of bereavement, trauma, abuse. It does break parts of you forever. I have made mistakes, who hasnt?
The reality check is to remind myself that my HP keeps slapping me real hard sometimes and I forget to listen.
The transition from being 'down' to seeking active recovery is hard. It's a full time job.
The reality check is to remind myself that my HP keeps slapping me real hard sometimes and I forget to listen.
The transition from being 'down' to seeking active recovery is hard. It's a full time job.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I put it differently to my psychiatrist: if you have no experience of what 'healthy' love is - trust, loyalty, support, companionship, laughter etc - its a challenge to know what it feels like or be able to tell the difference between a good and a bad relationship.
I've decided that any time I ask myself "should I be happy with what I've got?", that question tells me I shouldn't. Because when you are happy with what you've got, you don't question it. You're just happy.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I had to suss all this out in counseling over time. I've never really had a supportive relationship, or one where I could always count on someone, or emotional support. I have figured out how to give this to myself, but now I'm figuring out what this looks like in a relationship.
After I split with my XAH, I was celibate and NOT INTERESTED in a relationship for a couple of years. When I chose my next partner, I hung out with him and vetted him casually over time to see how he was with other people, his family, his friends, etc., over some months. I didn't tell anyone this, I just knew he liked me and I had my eye on him. When I was sure I knew what I was getting, I agreed to see him more seriously.
Every other relationship I've had, I found myself in it (how did I get here? how did I get here again?), I went for people I knew weren't going to be awesome to me and made excuses for them or why I didn't deserve it, or I even sabotaged relationships with nice people to choose someone who wasn't.
I mean, to me it sounds like you're at an impasse. A saying folks say here that I love is, "If someone shows you who they really are, believe them."
That angry drunk is your guy. Is that what you want in your life? Your kids' lives?
After I split with my XAH, I was celibate and NOT INTERESTED in a relationship for a couple of years. When I chose my next partner, I hung out with him and vetted him casually over time to see how he was with other people, his family, his friends, etc., over some months. I didn't tell anyone this, I just knew he liked me and I had my eye on him. When I was sure I knew what I was getting, I agreed to see him more seriously.
Every other relationship I've had, I found myself in it (how did I get here? how did I get here again?), I went for people I knew weren't going to be awesome to me and made excuses for them or why I didn't deserve it, or I even sabotaged relationships with nice people to choose someone who wasn't.
I will not move in with him until he commits to sobriety with AA and therapy, and he will not give up until "I compromise and move in with him". He is cruel, angry, resentful, distant and totally disinterested. On the other hand, when sober, he professes undying love and life long commitment (if only I would enable him, obviously).
That angry drunk is your guy. Is that what you want in your life? Your kids' lives?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by lillamy
I think that's really true. And then you keep second-guessing yourself -- am I asking too much? Am I exaggerating the problems? Should I be happy with what I've got?
I've decided that any time I ask myself "should I be happy with what I've got?", that question tells me I shouldn't. Because when you are happy with what you've got, you don't question it. You're just happy.
I've decided that any time I ask myself "should I be happy with what I've got?", that question tells me I shouldn't. Because when you are happy with what you've got, you don't question it. You're just happy.
I count my blessings, most importantly two bright, conscientious, kind, beautiful kids who are thriving because I have always been able to keep my f...ups away from them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by Florence
I mean, to me it sounds like you're at an impasse. A saying folks say here that I love is, "If someone shows you who they really are, believe them."
That angry drunk is your guy. Is that what you want in your life? Your kids' lives?
That angry drunk is your guy. Is that what you want in your life? Your kids' lives?
I need the reality check for those moments where the '?' pops up. It's about training your mind to think differently. Freeze the heart re. the A, move on. Love the good stuff only.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by Sunsun
Duckygirl, my wish is to re-write the script of my life, as I want it to turn out for my kids and I.
Originally Posted by Sunsun
The transition from being 'down' to seeking active recovery is hard. It's a full time job.
The man you describe in your post is the reality. That man is not good for you and can never bring you real happiness and you know this logically. Perhaps the wishing that it can be different pulls you back from that reality? It is hard to accept that we are not going to get what we were promised. It was harder for me to let that go than it was to let the actual person go. Once I was able to mentally frame that letting the man go became MUCH easier.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by Sunsun
That is the troubling bit. How do we know if we've never known it? I remember after my H left, I was on my own for 3 years, first time in 20 years. I got to know myself, worked hard with a counsellor, got stronger. It felt good.
I count my blessings, most importantly two bright, conscientious, kind, beautiful kids who are thriving because I have always been able to keep my f...ups away from them.
I count my blessings, most importantly two bright, conscientious, kind, beautiful kids who are thriving because I have always been able to keep my f...ups away from them.
There are worse things than being alone. I actually prefer it, and can't imagine going back to the world of living with a man. Believe me, I tried. On and off for twenty years with a few different partners. There are far too many women (and men) who will put up with horrible behavior. I will let them deal with it. No thanks.
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Originally Posted by Thumper
Yes. I have this wish too. I think it keeps me stuck - stuck from what I'm not really sure but it isn't healthy to hang on to it IMO. It is a wish that is impossible. There is no hope in this wish - no forward movement.
I think it is OK to take a break and re-group sometimes.
The man you describe in your post is the reality. That man is not good for you and can never bring you real happiness and you know this logically. Perhaps the wishing that it can be different pulls you back from that reality? It is hard to accept that we are not going to get what we were promised. It was harder for me to let that go than it was to let the actual person go. Once I was able to mentally frame that letting the man go became MUCH easier.
I think it is OK to take a break and re-group sometimes.
The man you describe in your post is the reality. That man is not good for you and can never bring you real happiness and you know this logically. Perhaps the wishing that it can be different pulls you back from that reality? It is hard to accept that we are not going to get what we were promised. It was harder for me to let that go than it was to let the actual person go. Once I was able to mentally frame that letting the man go became MUCH easier.
You are right though, it is the as yet unrealised dreams, lost in broken marriage and relationships with empty arid people.
The sad bit is that all we are wanting is love. What other people seem to be able to achieve, sometimes. I have a mother devoid of warmth, empathy, compassion. A father who had a massive stroke 22 years ago, he lived another 17 years, a tenth of the man he was. And three bad, weirdo men.
Animals are good, friends are good, children are good. Enough to heal for a bit.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
So, having now left him to it, blocked my phone etc. Can you all kindly remind me WHAT A HOPELESS CASE HE IS.
This man is 53 and has been drinking hard for over 30 years.
3 years later, after a year of setting hard boundaries, I will not have anything to do with him while he drinks, I have slammed the virtual door on it all and had enough.
Be thankful you are out and do everything you can to stay out. His drinking was ther long before you came along and will remain long after you are gone. Learn from his own children and 2 ex wives.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
I totally understand what you're saying about wanting to start with a clean slate, and at our age it's nice to think that our relationships will be long-lasting and stable. So, when you think of the qualities of your ideal long term partner, do any of the following feature on your list?
Yep - sounds like the ideal man to me! And as an extra added bonus, he's trying to blame you for all the above!!! What a trooper!
Yep - sounds like the ideal man to me! And as an extra added bonus, he's trying to blame you for all the above!!! What a trooper!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Re-read this post.........many times a day.
Originally Posted by Sunsun
Hi everyone
I have been reading, reading, reading for years now, also here. Now it is time for all that reading to be rammed into me, because it is clearly not sticking to my brain.
I am 50 years old, highly educated, I speak 7 languages, not bad looking, fun and have a lot of friends. I am a single mum of two fantastic kids 11 and 14.
I grew up in war zones, earthquakes, hurricanes and picked up PTSD on the way.
Divorced 10 years ago from my man-child ex H not an A but a raving narcissist, abusive and cruel, who still enjoys not paying for his kids and the chaos that ensues. We were married for over 20 years. He left when the kids were babies for a woman 20 years younger, and made us homeless and me pennyless.
4 years later I dared to let my guard down and fell into the clutches of a psycho who did a great job of grooming me for a year and half and proceeded to fleece me to the tune of many tens of thousands of pounds.
Now I also have C-PTSD. I meet a lawyer who helps me out, long story short, we start a relationship and turns out he is a raging alcoholic in full angry denial.
3 years later, after a year of setting hard boundaries, I will not have anything to do with him while he drinks, I have slammed the virtual door on it all and had enough.
This man is 53 and has been drinking hard for over 30 years. Every day when not working from 12 o'clock until he goes to sleep 12 hours later. 3 to 4 bottles of wine every day. When he works he starts early so he can be in the pub at 4 and drinks enough to get drunk but still function the next day. He has been in rehab, had DUI's, been to prison, has no sober friends, divorced twice, countless affairs and his 3 grown up kids want nothing to do with him. He can hold a job down (very high paying while it lasts) but invariably within 2 years he gets the sack.
So this is where the reality check comes in. I kicked him out of the house almost 2 years ago, he was extremely verbally abusive and physically threatening. He stopped drinking for 4 months. Started again, lost his job and went on a 5 month bender ending up pennyless. Stopped another 5 months, started on his latest bender at New Year. He started work again as a consultant with a couple of days off every week + weekends free.
It is of course all my fault because I will have nothing to do with him while he is drinking. I will not move in with him until he commits to sobriety with AA and therapy, and he will not give up until "I compromise and move in with him". He is cruel, angry, resentful, distant and totally disinterested. On the other hand, when sober, he professes undying love and life long commitment (if only I would enable him, obviously).
I KNOW the 3 C's, I have attended Alanon and I am in hardcore therapy as well. I know he will do anything to protect his addiction. I know it will not get better only worse.
So, having now left him to it, blocked my phone etc. Can you all kindly remind me WHAT A HOPELESS CASE HE IS.
Thank you, I think you are all amazing.
I have been reading, reading, reading for years now, also here. Now it is time for all that reading to be rammed into me, because it is clearly not sticking to my brain.
I am 50 years old, highly educated, I speak 7 languages, not bad looking, fun and have a lot of friends. I am a single mum of two fantastic kids 11 and 14.
I grew up in war zones, earthquakes, hurricanes and picked up PTSD on the way.
Divorced 10 years ago from my man-child ex H not an A but a raving narcissist, abusive and cruel, who still enjoys not paying for his kids and the chaos that ensues. We were married for over 20 years. He left when the kids were babies for a woman 20 years younger, and made us homeless and me pennyless.
4 years later I dared to let my guard down and fell into the clutches of a psycho who did a great job of grooming me for a year and half and proceeded to fleece me to the tune of many tens of thousands of pounds.
Now I also have C-PTSD. I meet a lawyer who helps me out, long story short, we start a relationship and turns out he is a raging alcoholic in full angry denial.
3 years later, after a year of setting hard boundaries, I will not have anything to do with him while he drinks, I have slammed the virtual door on it all and had enough.
This man is 53 and has been drinking hard for over 30 years. Every day when not working from 12 o'clock until he goes to sleep 12 hours later. 3 to 4 bottles of wine every day. When he works he starts early so he can be in the pub at 4 and drinks enough to get drunk but still function the next day. He has been in rehab, had DUI's, been to prison, has no sober friends, divorced twice, countless affairs and his 3 grown up kids want nothing to do with him. He can hold a job down (very high paying while it lasts) but invariably within 2 years he gets the sack.
So this is where the reality check comes in. I kicked him out of the house almost 2 years ago, he was extremely verbally abusive and physically threatening. He stopped drinking for 4 months. Started again, lost his job and went on a 5 month bender ending up pennyless. Stopped another 5 months, started on his latest bender at New Year. He started work again as a consultant with a couple of days off every week + weekends free.
It is of course all my fault because I will have nothing to do with him while he is drinking. I will not move in with him until he commits to sobriety with AA and therapy, and he will not give up until "I compromise and move in with him". He is cruel, angry, resentful, distant and totally disinterested. On the other hand, when sober, he professes undying love and life long commitment (if only I would enable him, obviously).
I KNOW the 3 C's, I have attended Alanon and I am in hardcore therapy as well. I know he will do anything to protect his addiction. I know it will not get better only worse.
So, having now left him to it, blocked my phone etc. Can you all kindly remind me WHAT A HOPELESS CASE HE IS.
Thank you, I think you are all amazing.
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