I'm not sure how this story will end.
 

In October I will have been married 25 years. We have had a good marriage and are best friends. There is a lot of love and shared history between us.

We met in a pub and straight away it was obvious we both had 'issues' with drinking. I came from a difficult family dynamic and he offered me a way out of that, plus together, we could offer a sanctuary for my little brother who was still trapped in an often violent and abusive family dynamic. I'm not sure if I truly loved him initially but I was damaged and vulnerable and he had a big heart.

We drank for 22 years. Most of that was happy although I believe our drinking deteriorated into alcoholism for us both at some point. We had 2 lovely kids and they have grown into fantastic young adults.

In May 2012 I gave up drinking and he followed me soon after and the past 2 years have been the happiest ever. It was difficult at first, we'd both drunk for a long time, but somehow we re-connected in a way I'd never thought possible.

Then I relapsed at Christmas and he followed. I drank every couple of weeks to blackout whereas he seemed to be able to moderate. I have stopped again, it's been a little less than 3 weeks, but I feel totally re-committed to sobriety. I've re-worked the steps and am attending meetings at every opportunity again.

He on the other hand has begun that slow decline backwards and it is breaking my heart to watch. He is a good kind man who turns into a loud belligerent drunk, and it's happening more and more often.

I feel such guilt and sadness. I am absolutely certain that if I hadn't drunk again, he wouldn't have picked up either. I can't turn the clock back. I have told him how his drinking affects me but he is totally in denial. He drank on the way home from work today, when he finished at lunchtime, and is still drinking now at 9 pm.

I know he won't quit again, he has told me as much. I'm at a loss in how to deal with this. Detach with love is what my sponsor advises, but he is my life partner and none of his actions are meant to hurt me.

I'm sorry if I've posted in the wrong forum, but I'm having to look at travelling a distance to reach my nearest al-anon meeting and I could do with some advice. Hope that's ok.

I have no words of wisdom here. But, I am sorry for your struggles and want you to know that you are absolutely in the right forum

Thank you happybeingme.

My heart so goes out to you.

It just reminds me how incredibly fragile sobriety is and how in a heartbeat your world can fall apart all over again.

I have no words of wisdom. My story is too different from yours to even try to compare. Just know that you are not alone and you are in my thoughts as you try to make some sense of this.

Detaching isn't meant to punish him, it's just to keep you from an unhealthy involvement with his drinking behavior. He is responsible for his own relapse, just as you are responsible for your own sobriety. Your drinking may have given him an excuse, but it isn't the reason.

Al-Anon can be a great help. If you haven't been, I think it would work very well with your AA recovery.

I hope you will protect your own sobriety at all costs. I don't know what "loud and belligerent mean," but if you are talking about abuse, you need some help dealing with that.

Hugs,

Jeni,

My heart goes out to you. make sure to get support

Loud and belligerent...yes, it is abusive but not in a physical way. Argumentative, opinionated, full of hurtful criticisms. Mostly this is done in a joking way often in front of an audience. It seems as though he forgets all boundaries and it becomes excruciatingly embarrassing for me and others who witness it.

He can be angry too but this is less frequent and only in blackout. Again not physical but he shouts, makes unreasonable accusations and becomes demanding sexually.

And I've never admitted that to anyone before. It seems so disloyal.

Hi Jeni,

Hugs to you. :hug: His actions may not intend to hurt you, but they do. The onus is unfairly placed on you to make decisions that are in the best interests of yourself, your husband, as well as the relationship. I am very sorry to hear that you are experiencing this at this time. Can you ask him to stay with a friend, or elsewhere so you can have room to breathe? Would his alcoholic behavior and self-destructiveness be repeated elsewhere?

I truly am sorry if this is not helpful. Both my husband and I are both pieces of work desperately in need marriage counseling. :hug: You are most definitely not alone.

Thank you Verte. I don't want him to move out. His behaviour would be the same elsewhere I'm pretty sure of it. This is his home as much as it is mine.

I am finding I'm doing more on my own right now. I've booked to go away on a weekend meditation retreat and am driving up to Scotland and doing a bit of travelling on my own too.

I don't want to hurt him but home life is getting claustrophobic and it helps me to get out to meetings.

I wish I had a crystal ball to see how this will play out.

Thanks for your words, and I hope your marriage will settle down for you too.

Jeni26....do you really need a crystal ball to know that he will get worse?

dandylion

No. I know that much to be true. I can see it happening already. But what I don't know is what it will do to us, to our marriage, our partnership. We've been together a long time and faced many things side by side. This though...this is different. I feel totally helpless.

Jeni it sounds like you are blaming yourself for your husband's relapse. A recovering alcoholic can relapse at any time if they don't look after their recovery. As they say in alanon, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. It's a progressive disease I'm sure you know, that progresses whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. I know it's really hard, I'm a recovering addict who has just spent a couple of years with a drinking alcoholic and so many times I just wished I could make him see that meetings work, that life is good sober. At least your husband knows that and may come back to it. Do you go to alanon? It can be a huge help.

My husband has never set foot in an AA meeting and says he never will. He doesn't believe he's an alkie...just someone who gets himself into a bit of a mess when he drinks. He doesn't believe I am one either.

He's happy for me to attend meetings if I want to. And yes...I definitely DO blame myself for this. If I hadn't have picked up, he wouldn't have either.

no, Jeni.

refresh your memory - and drop that guilt.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-has-come.html

D

Jeni....you say this as if it is written stone.
At any rate, I sounds like he was only white-knuckling. White-knuckling is virtually guranteed to relapse...sooner or later.

If you were powerful enough to cause him to drink...wouldn't you be powerful enough to get him to stop?......lol!

dandylion

Thank you all so much. Dee...I had completely forgotten that. He did buy the beer first. Not that it really makes a difference...we had already talked about it and the seed had been planted.

But he drank of his own free will of course. God...I so needed to re-read that thread. He is his own person, he makes his own decisions. It was as though he couldn't wait for me to show him the green light.

Anyway it's a new day and that brings a new start. He is off work and we had made plans to go shopping for a new fireplace. He will no doubt be hungover but hopefully our plans will still go ahead. If not, I will go out and do it on my own.

This is such a weird feeling. I am so strong and positive about my own sobriety but beyond sad about our future.

Thank you all for your replies. X

None of us knows for sure what the future holds jeni - this time last year I could not have imagined the changes that have happened to me over the last 12 months.

Try not to let fear swamp you :hug:

D

Travel and grow in your sobriety. Perhaps he will follow your path in time.

Peace.

Um you don't know that. If he was not in a recovery program then the chances that he would relapse were very, very high.

If your choice to drink is why he chose to drink you need to think again. Because if that were true, if you were indeed that powerful, then when you chose to stop he would have stopped too.

Blaming yourself is going to start a cycle that will only intensify the situation. Guilt is a terrible decision maker.

It sounds like you need to lay down some boundaries for yourself. Sorry for this situation it sounds like you have a great marriage minus the alcohol.

Hi Jeni26,

You say that you are absolutely certain that if you hadn't drunk again he wouldn't have. I appreciate it must feel like that, however I question whether that is something you can be absolutely certain of. From what I have learned about alcoholism and addiction there are very few certainties, relapse is common and we cannot think we caused the actions of another.

You could have abstained and he may still have picked up again, there is no way to know.

However it IS his choice, just as your sobriety is your choice.

It seems like holding on to the though that he would not have drunk if you didn't is torturing yourself. And that will not help anyone.

Sending love.

Thanks all. I am starting to become very mistrustful now. We went out shopping this morning and he persuaded me to buy some new clothes. We had a lovely few hours and he suggested lunch out on the way home. I just didn't see it coming...

Of course, nice bit of clothes shopping and then a meal out IN A PUB! So he starts drinking again over lunch and hands over the car keys for me to drive home.

I'm hurt that he just buttered me up by being nice and had planned the whole thing round his drinking. I understand totally the selfishness and self-centredness of alcoholism, but it doesn't hurt any less. Still, I'm staying over my Mums tonight. It's something I do once a week since my Dad passed last year, and it will be nice to have some space.

I'm not certain, but the way ya type this, is it somewhat a form of minimizing the situation? Making it seem verbal abuse isn't as bad as physical abuse?

I wasn't a physically abusive drunk. I did it with my words and did some serious damage.

You're not alone, Jeni. Almost the same situation here. (I've been with my AH for 20 years.) Wish I could offer advice... I need some myself. Keep posting for support. I send hugs.

Jeni26....you are an alcoholic in recovery and, I assume, attend AA meetings frequently.
You should be an expert on alcoholism and the typical patterns of behavior, by now.

I am somewhat amazed that you still seem surprised by his behaviors.

dandylion

I am glad you will have a peaceful night tonight. Ugg - the selfishness of alcoholism, so much empathy here. Keep taking care of yourself - Alanon might be a good idea, we have a lot of double winners in my group - they are my favorite to talk to :). Best to you both!

You would have thought so wouldn't you? Up until now we have either been drunk together or sober together. Yes...I'm pretty expert on alcoholic behaviour, but somehow I never expected it from him. I'm seeing things from a sober point of view and it is very different.

It is different and once you can see the insanity in another, it is hard sometimes to believe we used to be the same way, but there it is staring at us.

It is hard to take manipulation from people that we love and who we feel love us. They don't need to but they do it anyway because that is what they are used to doing and until they get sober the only thing we can do is not play the game.

Absolutely.
Also, my personal experience has been that while I had no problem accepting my own powerlessness over alcohol accepting it in those I loved was a real struggle. On top of that, because we did it, we think they can do it too if they did what we do...hence comes the to manage someone else's recovery (or lack of) based on our own.
There is also that little nagging voice saying:
well, I did it and if he loved me enough and was supportive he would join me. Recovery should be a team activity etc.
Just because someone has first hand knowledge of alcoholism does not necessarily make things easier. Sometimes, it makes things even more difficult.
My suggestion to you Jeni since you are also in AA is to read the materials I sent you and do a first, second and third step over him asap.

Turning it over can be really tough. One thing which worked for me and that I still do for my old friend I am no contact with is that when I do my daily prayer instead of praying that he gets sober, doesn't get hurt etc. I just open my palm and visualize him then I turn him over to his higher power. Sometimes I just say out loud: you take care of him ok?
It is useful for me because it reminds me that I am not in control.

Also SR has a F&F step study group
Friends and Family Step Study - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Check it out. You will see that while the steps are the same, the approach is a bit different.

I hope it helps.

Thank you so much Carlotta, you are being so helpful to me.

I will work those steps.