The day I dreaded has come
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
The day I dreaded has come
At the end of May 2012, my husband and I sat down and had a make or break conversation about the state of our marriage. We had drunk together forever, and it had for the most part been a happy marriage. We had 2 beautiful kids, a home and jobs we loved.
We had both been sliding downwards from heavy drinkers to alcoholics for some time. Maybe we had always been alcoholics. Who knows. Our relationship with alcohol was never healthy for sure, but we had a lot of fun in the early days. We didn't notice the slide at first...then we began to drink every night, frequent getting to blackout. Our health started to suffer. We would wake in the morning obviously having argued but not remembering what it was about. Awkward silences, waking up in different rooms, drunk driving, it was spiralling out of control.
I tried to quit and he stepped his drinking up. I lasted 7 weeks, then got drunk and lost the plot completely. I made a half hearted suicide attempt with Valium and vodka. I hadn't meant to, but I was so sad and just felt the future was hopeless. I scared him and we quit together.
And now...2 and a half years later, he's bought himself some beer. Just for Christmas he says. I've been depressed lately and we had talked about drinking. Just talked...but now he has acted on it.
I had started to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I picked up with my recovery support network and had started posting here on SR, but I was still fragile. Our daughter is home from university for Christmas and the house has come alive with her happy chatter and sparkling personality.
But there's beer in the fridge and now I'm very afraid.
We had both been sliding downwards from heavy drinkers to alcoholics for some time. Maybe we had always been alcoholics. Who knows. Our relationship with alcohol was never healthy for sure, but we had a lot of fun in the early days. We didn't notice the slide at first...then we began to drink every night, frequent getting to blackout. Our health started to suffer. We would wake in the morning obviously having argued but not remembering what it was about. Awkward silences, waking up in different rooms, drunk driving, it was spiralling out of control.
I tried to quit and he stepped his drinking up. I lasted 7 weeks, then got drunk and lost the plot completely. I made a half hearted suicide attempt with Valium and vodka. I hadn't meant to, but I was so sad and just felt the future was hopeless. I scared him and we quit together.
And now...2 and a half years later, he's bought himself some beer. Just for Christmas he says. I've been depressed lately and we had talked about drinking. Just talked...but now he has acted on it.
I had started to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I picked up with my recovery support network and had started posting here on SR, but I was still fragile. Our daughter is home from university for Christmas and the house has come alive with her happy chatter and sparkling personality.
But there's beer in the fridge and now I'm very afraid.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
(((Jeni)))).
I simply can't imagine how painful it must be to watch or anticipate your husband's return to drinking.
Have you spoken to anyone about your depression?
I he you can focus on your daughter's happy chatter and sparkling personality and have a nice Christmas together.
We are here for you, Jeni, 24/7/365.
I simply can't imagine how painful it must be to watch or anticipate your husband's return to drinking.
Have you spoken to anyone about your depression?
I he you can focus on your daughter's happy chatter and sparkling personality and have a nice Christmas together.
We are here for you, Jeni, 24/7/365.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
You have the power to get that beer out of your house!!! You don't have to allow it no matter who it belongs to.
You don't deserve it to be there.
jeni,you have come a long way and it's time to stand up for You and your recovery.
PLEASE don't allow that in your life. You know the possible consequences and yer too valuable to GOD to allow the temptation.
Prayers out for strength and courage for ya!
You don't deserve it to be there.
jeni,you have come a long way and it's time to stand up for You and your recovery.
PLEASE don't allow that in your life. You know the possible consequences and yer too valuable to GOD to allow the temptation.
Prayers out for strength and courage for ya!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I'm sorry to hear that Jeni especially as you've been having a difficult time recently. Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel? Whilst it isn't ideal it being there YOU don't have to drink it justy because it is there.
Have you spoken to your hsuband about how you feel? Whislt you can only control your sobriety maybe he's forgotten how bad things were so talking can't do any harm. I hope you can get through this
Have you spoken to your hsuband about how you feel? Whislt you can only control your sobriety maybe he's forgotten how bad things were so talking can't do any harm. I hope you can get through this
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Perhaps because you talked about it together he thought it would be ok to get some beer?
I think if it were me, I would need to make it clear to him how difficult that was for me and that the beer needs to leaves the house.
I think if it were me, I would need to make it clear to him how difficult that was for me and that the beer needs to leaves the house.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I am on antidepressants for depression which started after losing my Dad in August. I'm also looking into bereavement counselling.
We talked about drinking again when I was in the depths of my depression and I was having lots of thoughts of wanting to escape from life for a while. But since then I have stabilised and reconnected with people I had started to shut out.
But I feel terribly guilty for planting the seeds that have led to this for him. I think if I was strong and positive in sobriety this would never have happened.
We talked about drinking again when I was in the depths of my depression and I was having lots of thoughts of wanting to escape from life for a while. But since then I have stabilised and reconnected with people I had started to shut out.
But I feel terribly guilty for planting the seeds that have led to this for him. I think if I was strong and positive in sobriety this would never have happened.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Discussions are discussions, but your husband is his own man and you are your own woman. You did not sink his ship, and he does not have the power or authority to sink yours.
I am praying for you both, and for the health of your marriage.
I am praying for you both, and for the health of your marriage.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
But I feel terribly guilty for planting the seeds that have led to this for him. I think if I was strong and positive in sobriety this would never have happened.
What maybe you could do is talk to him and tell him exactly what you just told us then turn it over (I know it is way easier said than done) and step up your work on your own recovery and reach out to as much support as you can.
You know I belong both here and on the other side of the street too.
I really hope you will do your best to stay in the moment and not allow the anxiety at the prospect of the alcoholic potentially drinking to not only ruin your holidays but also put your own sobriety in jeopardy.
Nothing has happened yet, the freaking beer is still in the fridge as it is now, he is not drunk, you have not relapsed and your marriage is not over (shoot Christmas is not here yet). Stay in the moment as much as possible.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
Originally Posted by Gilmer 
Discussions are discussions, but your husband is his own man and you are your own woman. You did not sink his ship, and he does not have the power or authority to sink yours.
And what Gilmer said!!!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Whoawhoawhoa!!! You may have talked about it but did yu go buy the beer for him or did he have his big boy pants on and buy it himself? Did you force him to go buy it?
He's a big boy and capable of making choices all by himself.
You may want to, ASAP, have a talk with him. And by ASAP, I mean now.
He's a big boy and capable of making choices all by himself.
You may want to, ASAP, have a talk with him. And by ASAP, I mean now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 301
Originally Posted by Carlotta
Please don't be. You have absolutely no control over whether he will relapse or not. Some people have been sober for years while working in bars while other blame seeing an ad on TV or whatever for picking up.
What maybe you could do is talk to him and tell him exactly what you just told us then turn it over (I know it is way easier said than done) and step up your work on your own recovery and reach out to as much support as you can.
You know I belong both here and on the other side of the street too.
I really hope you will do your best to stay in the moment and not allow the anxiety at the prospect of the alcoholic potentially drinking to not only ruin your holidays but also put your own sobriety in jeopardy.
Nothing has happened yet, the freaking beer is still in the fridge as it is now, he is not drunk, you have not relapsed and your marriage is not over (shoot Christmas is not here yet). Stay in the moment as much as possible.
What maybe you could do is talk to him and tell him exactly what you just told us then turn it over (I know it is way easier said than done) and step up your work on your own recovery and reach out to as much support as you can.
You know I belong both here and on the other side of the street too.
I really hope you will do your best to stay in the moment and not allow the anxiety at the prospect of the alcoholic potentially drinking to not only ruin your holidays but also put your own sobriety in jeopardy.
Nothing has happened yet, the freaking beer is still in the fridge as it is now, he is not drunk, you have not relapsed and your marriage is not over (shoot Christmas is not here yet). Stay in the moment as much as possible.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Jeni, I'm not in a brilliant place myself at the moment.
I'm struggling to see the point.
However, you have your daughter home. Like me. We are lucky, its a lovely distraction having daughters.
Why not concentrate on spending time with her and let your husband make up his own mind?
The other thing that springs to mind is 'everything will be okay in the end. If its not okay, its not the end'.
Love to you
xxxx
I'm struggling to see the point.
However, you have your daughter home. Like me. We are lucky, its a lovely distraction having daughters.
Why not concentrate on spending time with her and let your husband make up his own mind?
The other thing that springs to mind is 'everything will be okay in the end. If its not okay, its not the end'.
Love to you
xxxx
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
It is a shame, because maybe not tomorrow or next week or next month, but the day will come and he will regret this decision. He needs to always remember that alcoholism is chronic, it is progressive and it is fatal.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
This sounds to me like a terrible tragedy about to unfold before your eyes.
Seems to me you have a couple choices to make;
1- am I going to allow myself to throw away sobriety and return to the downhill slide - surely even further and more despairingly than ever before.
2- am I willing to let my husband make that mistake without clearly expressing my concern and my disapproval.
3- if I am not, and if my husband insists - what is my action plan to remain strong, honor my sobriety and do whatever it takes not to throw it all away.
I wish you strength and clarity and honesty with yourself and your family. If it were me, I'd redouble my sobriety actions, get to a meeting every day, and tell my husband I will NOT compromise my sobriety nor stand by and watch him go back to that awful place.
Seems to me you have a couple choices to make;
1- am I going to allow myself to throw away sobriety and return to the downhill slide - surely even further and more despairingly than ever before.
2- am I willing to let my husband make that mistake without clearly expressing my concern and my disapproval.
3- if I am not, and if my husband insists - what is my action plan to remain strong, honor my sobriety and do whatever it takes not to throw it all away.
I wish you strength and clarity and honesty with yourself and your family. If it were me, I'd redouble my sobriety actions, get to a meeting every day, and tell my husband I will NOT compromise my sobriety nor stand by and watch him go back to that awful place.
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