50 Shades of Grey - A Psychiatrist's Letter to Young People
 

I haven't read the books or seen the movie but have plenty of friends who have and have loved them. Maybe I should read the books just so I can discuss them with my daughters. I just read this article and think it's a good share for all of us here who have been in unhealthy, manipulative relationships. Point number 5 resonated with me.

Here are the article and the link: (Meg Meeker, M.D. » A Psychiatrist?s Letter to Young People about Fifty Shades of Grey

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February 11, 2015

There’s nothing gray about Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s all black.

Let me explain.

I help people who are broken inside. Unlike doctors who use x-rays or blood tests to determine why someone’s in pain, the wounds that interest me are hidden. I ask questions, and listen carefully to the answers. That’s how I discover why the person in front of me is “bleeding”.

Years of careful listening have taught me a lot. One thing I’ve learned is that young people are utterly confused about love – finding it and keeping it. They make poor choices, and end up in lots of pain.

I don’t want you to suffer like the people I see in my office, so I’m warning you about a new movie called Fifty Shades of Grey. Even if you don’t see the film, its toxic message is seeping into our culture, and could plant dangerous ideas in your head.

Fifty Shades of Grey is being released for Valentine’s Day, so you’ll think it’s a romance, but don’t fall for it. The movie is actually about a sick, dangerous relationship filled with physical and emotional abuse. It seems glamorous, because the actors are gorgeous, have expensive cars and planes, and Beyonce is singing. You might conclude that Christian and Ana are cool, and that their relationship is acceptable.

Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated! The people behind the movie just want your money; they have no concern whatsoever about you and your dreams.

Abuse is not glamorous or cool. It is never OK, under any circumstances.

This is what you need to know about Fifty Shades of Grey: as a child, Christian Grey was terribly neglected. He is confused about love because he never experienced the real thing. In his mind, love is tangled up with bad feelings like pain and embarrassment. Christian enjoys hurting women in bizarre ways. Anastasia is an immature girl who falls for Christian’s looks and wealth, and foolishly goes along with his desires.

In the real world, this story would end badly, with Christian in jail, and Ana in a shelter – or morgue. Or Christian would continue beating Ana, and she’d stay and suffer. Either way, their lives would most definitely not be a fairy tale. Trust me on this one.

As a doctor, I’m urging you: DON’T see Fifty Shades of Grey. Get informed, learn the facts, and explain to your friends why they shouldn’t see it either.

Here are a few of the dangerous ideas promoted by Fifty Shades of Grey:

1. Girls want guys like Christian who order them around and get rough.

No! A psychologically healthy woman avoids pain. She wants to feel safe, respected and cared for by a man she can trust. She dreams about wedding gowns, not handcuffs.

2. Guys want a girl like Anastasia who is meek and insecure.

Wrong. A psychologically healthy man wants a woman who can stand up for herself. If he is out of line, he wants her to set him straight.

3. Anastasia exercises free choice when she consents to being hurt, so no one can judge her decision.

Flawed logic. Sure, Anastasia had free choice – and she chose poorly. A self-destructive decision is a bad decision.

4. Anastasia makes choices about Christian in a thoughtful and detached manner.

Doubtful. Christian constantly supplies Anastasia with alcohol, impairing her judgment. Also, Anastasia becomes sexually active with Christian – her first experience ever – soon after meeting him. Neuroscience suggests their intimacy could jump start her feelings of attachment and trust, before she’s certain he deserved them. Sex is a powerful experience – particularly the first time.
Finally, Christian manipulates Anastasia into signing an agreement prohibiting her from telling anyone that he is a long time abuser.

Alcohol, sex, manipulation – hardly the ingredients of a thoughtful, detached decision.

5. Christian’s emotional problems are cured by Anastasia’s love.

Only in a movie. In the real world, Christian wouldn’t change to any significant degree. If Anastasia was fulfilled by helping emotionally disturbed people, she should have become a psychiatrist or social worker.

6. It’s good to experiment with sexuality.

Maybe for adults in a healthy, long term, committed, monogamous relationship, AKA “marriage”. Otherwise, you’re at high risk for STDs, pregnancy, and sexual assault. It’s wise to be very careful who you allow to get close to you, physically and emotionally, because just one encounter can throw you off track and change your life forever.

The bottom line: the ideas of Fifty Shades of Grey are dangerous, and can lead to confusion and poor decisions about love. There are vast differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships, but the movie blurs those differences, so you begin to wonder: what’s healthy in a relationship? What’s sick? There are so many shades of grey…I’m not sure.

Listen, it’s your safety and future we’re talking about here. There’s no room for doubt: an intimate relationship that includes violence, consensual or not, is completely unacceptable.

This is black and white. There are no shades of grey here. Not even one.

Miriam Grossman, MD is a medical doctor with training in pediatrics and in the specialty of child, adolescent, and adult psychiatry. She is also the author of Unprotected and You’re Teaching My Child WHAT?

miriamgrossmanmd.com

I didn't buy Edward and Bella and that same fatal flaw carried over into 50 chapters skip to the sex... No compelling reason the two characters wind up with one another.

Anyway, this relationship movie looks much more intriguing...

'The Last Five Years' review: Anna Kendrick sings her heart out | NJ.com

Thank you for posting this. I feel the same way. I've been encouraging people to boycott this toxic movie, theres nothing sexy about it.

Love from Lenina

I read the first book and liked the sexual ideas but not the book. It read like a 12 year old wrote it. Besides being bad writing and having the male character Christian being able to 'get it up' so many times in a row, which was ridiculous, I am going to see the movie. I didn't read the 2nd and 3rd books cause I refuse to subject myself to bad writing. If they mentioned her biting her lip one more time I was gonna scream, lol.

Why see the movie? Because it is for adults and it is a FANTASY or should be. I wouldn't allow a preteen or high schooler to see it.

I think the person giving the review has a right to their opinion but 'professional' opinion? Come on, it's NOT REAL LIFE. She seems a bit over the top. I think it will be good sexy fun for adults.

Kari

The problem with that, Kari, is that this is what women are inundated with on a daily basis. For many, it is real life, or will become real life. No, their partner probably won't be rich, but that doesn't change the fact that abuse is abuse. When we're sending this message that a relationship like this is healthy or even desirable, that's what young women will learn. Glamorizing abuse is NOT ok. Ever.

That's what bothers me about it the most--the glamorization of abuse. And that young, already broken girls don't have the capacity to distinguish fantasy from reality. Stories like this become their reality--except for the part where the abuser's emotional problems are cured by the victim's love. I'm glad to know that people are speaking out.

I couldn't handle Edward and Bella. I only saw one of the movies and that was enough.

Thanks for the share on 'The Last Five Years'. I'm not usually a movie musical fan, but this one sounds good. Like one I might enjoy seeing with my daughters.

Gentle reminder people, we have children reading this forum. Please keep all posts totally G-rated.

Mike :)
Moderator, SoberRecovery.

BUT, that is a whole separate issue from a fantasy type book/movie though. The woman character in the book was never forced into anything. She could leave at any time (and did at the end of the first book but I heard she came back in the 2nd). That has NOTHING to do with REAL ABUSE.

It looks like it is going to be a blockbuster according to what I read online so I guess most women see it as fantasy also.

I think we are going to have to agree to disagree on this one. :)

Did you read the book?

Kari

I just posted this article on my FB.

I agree that it's glamourizing abuse.

Disgusting.

I did read the book, unfortunately. It's not "just a love story" and emotionally, the female character isn't free to leave, that's kind of one of the points.

How many women are 'forced' into abuse? Most I know who were abused were never forced there.

That's what makes this so dangerous. Young already broken souls don't know the difference. Fantasy is fine for those who are healthy enough to handle it.

The girl in the book wasn't a broken soul though.

Never mind. Time for me to get out of this thread. :)

Kari

As a girl who hung out with bonifide pick up artists, the idea of being a controlling man over meek women is real! This is for men who want to be peter pans and free from real attachment. And girls are in fact falling for it. As girls we get all sorts of attachment chemicals that are released from sex and it bonds us emotionally to our partners. IMO it is very dangerous to try to be unemotional about sex. I don't believe it for one second that a woman can be so casual. And casual sex is normal, acceptable, and expected among most college aged kids and younger.


To liken it to alcoholism, what if we all just put our foot down and said NO! ? Can you imagine how hard that would make it for these bad behaviors?

This is another article I posted on my FB page. https://www.psychopathfree.com/conte...rs-and-Abusers

Sure, she could just leave at any time. Tell our DV survivors that. Being naive is dangerous.

Prisons don't have to have bars, or locked doors. Being a prisoner is sometimes, a state of mind. Psychological abuse can render a person prisoner.

I didn't read the book and I don't plan on seeing the movie. Just from reading bits about it, it sounds a lot like the movie 9 1/2 Weeks to me. 9 1/2 Weeks, for those of you who haven't seen it, Kim Basinger is pursued and seduced by Mickey Rourke who was also wealthy and good looking and twisted. But the message at the end is about how empty Mickey Rourke's character was. I remember her looking in his closet and there were 20 identical suits hung perfectly. It was a glimpse into the vapid empty soul of a man who thrives on manipulation. I think it showed how she got sucked in but that there was something troubling right below the surface that she kept ignoring. The good thing is that when he begins to push her too far she leaves, and she realizes that it was all about control and manipulation loosely cloaked in sexual situations.

I think anytime the balance of power is skewed in a relationship there is room for harm to be done. The one good thing that may come from 50 Shades is that it might bring the discussion about manipulation in a relationship to more public scrutiny. And I think the timing is right for that.

This past year physical abuse has been in the headlines a lot. I think it is a very pertinent time to start talking about emotional and mental exploitation.

The "book" started its life as Twilight fan fiction and poorly written at that. The movie preview seems to be running in a continuous loop on Hulu. It looks shallow and the acting is bad. Swerve....

I just googled 50 Shades / 9 and 1/2 weeks…I guess I don't read enough about this stuff, apparently that comp has been made a lot.

I was unfortunate enough to have read all the books. I didn't enjoy them, but it was a train wreck and I kept reading thinking it *had* to get better (I don't know how something so horribly written and just... awful ever got published). It never did. Those are two walks of my life I'll never get back.

If I ever find out some older man is doing any of that crap to one of my daughter's....... IT's gonna be the worst Mistake of his sick little life.

I've been suspicious of this type of "romance" since reading Romeo and Juliet in HS. It's not a romance, it's a tragedy. I was the only one in class to say "so, what? They're like dead now? That's it? That sucks."

Maybe we don't all have experience of 50 shades, but Some of us sure know about the 13th step! This type of older man vulnerable younger woman is one of the reasons that men should not sponsor women who come into AA/NA or Al-anon. The dynamic is too fraught with danger. Given the independent nature of each group, there is no type of oversight. Many men are mandated to meetings and have no intention of changing their lives. They go to make the court happy. I have met "sponsors" who are absolutely twisted. One that I knew was juggling 6 at a time. None of the women had been in AA for more than 6 months. In his head, he was helping them. SICK! A a young woman who's head is not clear yet and is looking for support, validation and affection can easily be caught in a web by "choice"

How many marriages and relationships with loving people have been destroyed by manipulative sponsors and 13th steppers with ulterior motives knowing that a person getting clean will reach for anything that sounds more logical than the noise in their own heads. Just Google it. Lord, let me go to bed! I could burn the night on this!

This has been bothering me. I haven't read the book, so I can't speak of her, only myself.

I didn't think I was a broken soul. I thought I had it all together. I had beautiful, loving parents (mom and stepfather) and siblings, a college degree, new career, lots of friends, and a bright future ahead of me. I met a guy who swept me off my feet, treated my like a queen, was charming, fun, always the life of the party, and who I never imagined could hurt me. So I married him. Within a couple of years, I found myself married to an alcoholic, emotional abuser.

It was funny...the first person who ever pointed out to me that I was being abused was his mother. He and I were at odds one afternoon about something--I can't even remember the details now--but his mom was there and witnessed the discussion. Then we watched him get into a self-centered, pouty huff, and get in his truck and tear out of the driveway. She said to me, "That's abusive." That memory has never left me. It was startling to me that HE was mistreating ME. I had been gradually conditioned to believe that those kinds of arguments were my fault. I took that kind of emotional abuse for years after that because I felt committed to my marriage vows and because I loved him.

I was broken going into that relationship and didn't know it. Broken because I had an alcoholic, emotionally abusive, abandoning, womanizing biological father. But because I had been raised in a good home after bio dad left us when we were very young, I thought I was healed. I thought I was wiser and smarter than all of that. As a young 20-something woman, I probably would have read a book like '50 Shades' and not made the connection with abuse and control. I don't know. But I hope the attention this movie has given to abuse will cause good to come from it.

As fantasy,yeah. I mean just look at what is on TV for all of us, 24/7. As reality, no. For children, or even unstable adults, no. Disguised as something healthy, no. In your gut, you can feel something exciting about it, but there is no escaping that another part of you tells you there is something soul-destroying there -- and there is. When your better nature calls out to you, you had better listen. If you don't, it can grow silent. It is there to protect you. Ignore it at your peril.

I read all the books and it was such fiction. I can't imagine watching it with my own eyes on the big screen - no thank you. And I hear all kinds of normal stores are selling all kinds of SM bondage "toys" amongst all other kinds of mainstream, non-sexual items even next to things targeting children! Disgusting.

I did not care for this simplistic and moralistic little piece but the Atlantic has an excellent article about it Fifty Shades of Grey Gets BDSM Dangerously Wrong - The Atlantic
Personally, I have no problem with bedroom games between consenting adults and I find it a bit amusing that everyone automatically assumes that the female has to be the bottom in a d&S relationship.
It seems though that the story goes a little bit further.
I will reserve judgement until I actually read the books or watch the movie which I might or might not get around doing.

I never used to think there was anything "wrong" with porn. Or prostitiom. I figured what consenting adults did was between consenting adults. But I have since learned that's not always the case. Anyone here remember the True Crime story about the "girl in the box"? Or more recently that horrid little man in Cinninati that kidnapped those young girls?

these kinds of books and movies, IMO, fuel this sick, distorted thinking. Human trafficking is up and there's no consent involved! I have been reading more about it and it's is very very upsetting now common it is.

I am no prude. I am not a judgmental person in this area. But some stuff does have a greater effect than once realized.

Love from Lenina

I have not read the books nor seen the movie. IMO it is always good when a discussion is raised about important topics. I'm not against the book of movie in theory. It is fantasy. Dominance and submission are both very common fantasy themes for women not familiar with abuse so the popularity of the movie and books is not surprising.

Don't waste your time, Carlotta. It's horribly written (no structure, like a 9-year-old writes - seriously, talk about stunted emotional growth) and is pure garbage. The author can't even seem to figure out if the main character carries a BlackBerry, Blackberry, or blackberry. No consistency, no proper use of brand names or anything else. It's a colossal failure as far as "literature" is concerned.

A friend and I have a running bet on how busy our ER is going to get now that the movie is out in theaters.

Thumper, the books and the movie aren't about BDSM, though. At least not as it is meant to be: safe, sane, and consensual. This book throws that out the window. It's abuse glorified.

Glad that you did not read it either. I was starting to think that I was the only female left in the US who had not read it :lmao