Yesterday: Found Alcohol in My Wife's Trunk
 

Hello everyone and thank you for reading. Yesterday I think my growing concerns were confirmed. I didn't sleep last night. I actually stayed on the couch, feeling unsupportive of my wife as she slept alone upstairs. I guess I was torn between the hurt and shock of deception and my love and concern for my wife.

Let me explain. We both drink but she probably drinks 5 times a week. I'm a stay/work at-home dad and probably drink once a week. She's a fantastic mother and dedicated wife. Very hard working and very high functioning. But I'm growing concerned, and quickly. (I hope I'm making too big of a deal out of it all.)

Timeline:
Dec 2013 - We go out with friends and get in a pretty big disagreement. The next day she doesn't remember much from it.
Aug 2014 - We went to a wedding and had a great time. Until it was time to go and I no longer recognized my wife. It was eerily similar to what happened several months earlier. She was consumed with anger inappropriately directed towards me.
Dec 2014 - An obscene amount of beer & wine is consumed and she claimed to have dumped some of it out, but admitted to drinking heavily. Said she would be more careful about it.
Jan 2015 - Yesterday, I found beer & unopened wine in her trunk. She had a taillight out and I had just picked up a replacement bulb. She says it's from December and that she'd "forgotten all about it being in there." This occurrence seems to fall about 10 days after the time she said she'd "be more careful with drinking."

It turns out she drank the beer while driving home from work. The excuse is that her job is very stressful around the holidays, and that she recognizes the big mistake. My concern is the overall growing frequency and amount in which she drinks. Usually, it's minimal. But throw in a party, or extreme stress, and clearly self-destructive decisions can be made.

Questions:
1. What is my role in this?
2. Does my drinking have impact on her? I don't drink often, but when I do drink socially I can consume quite a bit.
3. Should I be concerned with her hiding alcohol?
4. How to I overcome the hurt of being deceived?
5. Am I forgetting something or jumping to conclusions?

She left the conversation by telling me she wouldn't drink for awhile. I didn't really say much as I wasn't sure what to say. I wasn't sure if an avenue like that could just make her work harder to try and hide it. Thanks for reading. I'm sure if I spent more time around the forum I could find some of this information but right now I just really needed to tell someone. As it's too early to reach out to my family or friends. As I don't want her to be wrongly judged, or whatever. Thanks again.

Welcome to our world. I will go right to your questions. If you want rationale just ask for it. But the simple responses are below.

Questions:
1. What is my role in this? NONE. Despite what she tries to tell you otherwise.

2. Does my drinking have impact on her? I don't drink often, but when I do drink socially I can consume quite a bit. It probably allows her to feel like she can drink and it not be a problem since you are. You can stop drinking, but she won't.

3. Should I be concerned with her hiding alcohol? Concerned yes. Invoved. No. If you find it, it won't stop a thing and will only cause a drama. I got the whole, You invaded my privacy lectures.

4. How to I overcome the hurt of being deceived? You may never overcome it. But you need to learn about how to detach yourself from the this train that will be de-railing in the not to distant future.

5. Am I forgetting something or jumping to conclusions? Forgetting something? Not sure where I can answer that. Jumping to conclusions? Yes. And that isn't supposed to be a bad thing. You are not stupid. Trust me you will feel plenty of that before this is over.

Sounds like your wife in an alcoholic. But there is really nothing you can do to help her. There is a lot you can do for yourself. I would see about hitting an alanon meeting or an open AA meeting. They are wonderful. I would read the stickies and educate yourself about the disease of alcoholism.

The best thing you can do is detach from her and her drinking. Obsessing about her drinking will do you no good. Keep posting if you have questions but please understand that love can not cure alcoholism, if it did, non of us would be here.

I have 2 DUIs.
You have every right to be VERY concerned about your wife for many reasons.
Hiding booze? NOT GOOD.
Hiding booze in the truck and admitting to drinking it whilst driving? RED ALARM.

it is by pure luck I didn't injure or kill anyone.
She needs help. and she needs it ASAP.
I hope she agrees.

hello and welcome! You are putting the pieces of this puzzle correctly. Trust your instincts.

Any recovered alcoholic friends/family willing to talk to her from a shared perspective?

Thank you all for the responses.

Well, her brother had substance abuse problems and overcame them. Would I contact him directly about this or ask her to initiate the conversation?

I'm with Jupiters in that I feel like hiding alcohol is a gigantic waving red flag because I have never, ever known a normal drinker to hide alcohol. Ever, ever, ever.

But EVERY alcoholic I know HAS hidden it, in so many ways it astonishes me.

The brother idea may help depending on their relationship. It's possible she'll feel attacked and defensive no matter who tries to deliver the message.

It is definitely something she has to decide for herself to fix about her life, but in the meantime you can stay on your side of the street & not get sucked further into the spiral. I hope you take some time to read the sticky'd threads at the top of this forum. They contain ages of wisdom & experiences about all of this.

Hi, SAHD. Welcome to SR. As others have said, there's a lot of experience, strength and wisdom here. I hope you find what you're looking for.

I'd like to second the recommendation to read as much as you can here, and make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. Educating yourself about what alcoholism really is, as well as what you can and can't do about it, is a good place to start. Here's a thread from the stickies along those lines: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I'd also suggest looking into Alanon or, if it's more up your alley, Celebrate Recovery. For me, the combo of Alanon for face-to-face support plus SR has been a real catalyst for change and growth.

Again, welcome to SR--this is a wonderful resource and a great community. I wish you strength and clarity as you start your own recovery.

I don't believe your wife will initiate the conversation. She is actively drinking and actively hiding it. My AH keeps telling me he will talk to his brother, but he has not and I won't be holding my breath waiting for him to make that move because he is still not ready to begin recovery. He may never be, I do not know.

You asked if you have anything to do with her alcoholism; I would like to say if you are helping her hide it, if you are not letting her feel and face the consequences of her bad decisions that are rightfully hers, if you are cleaning up her messes in any way, then yes, you are helping her continue comfortably in her addiction. I have had to learn this the hard way.

Please seek out Al-anon or Celebrate Recovery for yourself. The best defense is the best offense and helping yourself in this way is the offensive moves you need to take. Left untreated BY YOUR WIFE, it will only get worse. I capitalized that because she, and she alone, is the only one who can decide when recovery begins. But you, you can decide when your own recovery begins now.

I am so very sorry you find yourself here. The pain is awful. Big hugs, you'll be in my prayers.

My wife and I have been married for 19ys. We both drank freely for a long time with no issues but trouble started about 5 yrs ago.

I spent quite a while making up the timelines for my wife's drinking, it ended up being a long dance around accepting she was an alcoholic. You don't need a lot of complex data-taking for this. My experience was very similar to yours. The really scary part for me was the progression of her personality change.. over time, when she drank she'd become more and more angry. The frequency of drinking increased till the point where she felt it was too obvious at which point she kept her drinking in front of me to a certain limit, and started drinking in secret. She pulled some ninja moves hiding it for a year.

Towards the end she was combining alcohol with xanax and on a few times ambien which was horrifying- staggering drunk at 9pm, passing out on the couch day after day.

I responded with anger, frustration and judgement. It all finally came to a head- thankfully not with a DUI but it sure could have been. My contribution through the whole process was applying pressure; interrogations, "I know you don't love me but if you love our daughter please do..." etc. THen when the bottom came I rammed my pity in her face.

I know what you're talking about Concerned. None of the control or influence I could bring to bear would help and only really made the fights worse.. the lonliness and frustration are unrelenting.

The way out for me was going to Alanon, because I was really hurting and desperate inside. Its not the only way but it worked for me. I learned I can't (and should not try) to control her or her drinking, I did contribute to the problem by adding stress and drama- but I also didn't cause it (despite her claims)- her drinking to drown her fears, anxiety and frustration was her own choice.

Her recovery, if she chooses to have one, is her own choice and I suggest you not try and impose one. However, one of the things you can do is work out your position on what you're willing to live with behavior-wise. My form of it is (and told to her) that if the active alcoholism resumes (and by that I mean a resumption of old habits, not just a slip or whatever), then I will ask her to leave and if she does not then I will and take our daughter with me. That is a nuclear option so I know I have to be prepared to do it. It is not an attempt to control her, she will drink or not- but I will not live the old way anymore.

But speaking of not living the old way anymore, that applies to me too. I don't want to live in that judgemental, dark angry state anymore. I want to be free of my myself too- which is what Alanon is helping me develop. I'd suggest attending some of them, see if the message works for you- no worries if it doesn't- but please do attend to your inner life here; alcoholism in a family member often leads to all kinds of trouble with others and it often develops so slowly you get crazy without realizing it.

But I would like to add one proviso, if she's driving drunk then it may well be worth taking action- calling the police etc. Imagine if she has an accident drunk- then somebody is likely to get hurt in addition to the legal trouble, because if she is still drinking in the way you suggest more trouble is coming and you can count on that.

Good luck Concerned, SR has a lot of stories that show the arc. Some go down into permanent darkness, some go into recovery for all concerned- you may see your story told many times in many ways.

What does SAHD mean?

And is there somewhere on this site where all these acronyms are listed?

Hello and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you are in this position.

Questions:
1. What is my role in this? We talk about the three C's a lot here. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

2. Does my drinking have impact on her? Not really. I used to drink with my husband. I eventually quit doing that but his drinking continued to increase.

3. Should I be concerned with her hiding alcohol? Well - there isn't much you can do about it but it is a red flag that she has an unhealthy association with alcohol and a signal to you that you can not really believe what she says about her drinking. Actions speak louder than words. Always always believe the actions - therein lies the truth.

4. How to I overcome the hurt of being deceived? That is a hard one. I'm not sure you can overcome the hurt but you can manage your expectations - which helps me. People that are alcoholic or have trouble with alcohol lie about what they drink. That is pretty universal and it isn't about you and her feelings about you - it is about addiction.

5. Am I forgetting something or jumping to conclusions? I don't think so. Hang around SR. There is so much wisdom here and in the stickies at the top of the forum. There are recovery programs for people with addiction but there are also recovery programs for their families. There are different programs - I'm not familiar with them all so can't recommend a specific one. You might want to check them out and see if one is a good fit for you.

I personally used SR, a counselor that specialized in addiction, a few al-anon meetings, and read a ton of stuff - lots of it recommended in one of the stickies above. I continue here with SR and reading things when I can.

Based on personal experience I waited way way way to long to accept that I could not let my kids ride in the car with my husband (now ex). He loved his children but he put them in danger by drinking and driving. I left them alone with him when I shouldn't have. I'm so so thankful today that nothing bad happened but it could have. He was not abusive but there was way more risk than I was admitting (lots of denial on my side). I did eventually address those issues but I should have done it earlier.

Is he clean? What did he do to get that way? Are they close? He might be an option. Think about it... You don't have to get him involved this instant.

How much do you want to shake things up? Cruising around in a car drinking is not something most moms do. We tend to be helicopter parents wrapping everyone and everything in bubble wrap... This sort of behavior indicates how far her mind is. It working sadly.

Stay truthful with her that you see her drinking and it is a serious problem that needs to be addressed for your kids, your relationship, who she could impact in a car accident. I'd express the situation factually.

Maybe your first change is you no longer drink heavily? Can you stop? You by default get to be the sane parent. You need to be ready to drive her home, drive the kids around, assume she's already been drinking if you head off somewhere.

She is functional. She could be this way for years, so you want to minimize the risk of driving as much as possible... And I'd be honest about it. I am concerned about you. I. Love you. I'd hate to see you suffer the consequences of hurting someone. So I will drive.

Keep your eyes open. Sadly people are right when they say, more will be revealed.

Here's your reference thread, kudzujean! I think it's pretty comprehensive.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-acronyms.html

Stay at Home Dad

Hiya Kudzu, I think stay at home dad. Like SAHM is more known mom version...

I will jump in and tell you what I would tell any SAHM. Get a financial plan in place. She could lose her job, and if so, you may have some financial issues. Even if it is just a small amount, please build up some cash resources. When you stay at home and rely on your partner for resources it can become really complicated. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Take care!

Thank you everyone for the very thoughtful and concerned comments. I am definitely reading up and bookmarking the helpful links and stickies. I have not enabled her in anyway. And will not cover for her. If she does have an issue I will allow her to suffer the consequences, unless it involves her career. I can feel the fear in the pit of my stomach. Seems like you speak of a lot of balance between taking action, but not in a controlling and judgmental way. Hitting rock bottom before acceptance is a scary notion to think. I know her well, at least I think I do, and what I know is that she can control is as it is today, and remain high-functioning. But I'm very scared for the future. Fearful that my actions will just promote more hiding and secrecy.

She does sound 'high functioning' and she can probably maintain that for a long while - especially if she is married.

I will respectfully point out that if she is slamming alcohol in the car on the way home from work - control is a thing of the past.

I'm hopeful, it was a one-time thing. I'm not about to believe that it was, but I'm hopeful. I told her straight up that information and action was a game changer for how I view her drinking. She said she'll stop. And I'm afraid she'll only hide it further. I do our finances and basically "run" the household decisions, so I'm hopefully I'll be a step ahead. But if this has been going on, obviously I'm a step behind. Also, with our two kids we are mostly homebodies. I just wish I could go back in time and monitor a little bit of her intake. I might have a better idea what I'm up against.

Yes, a good concise way to put it. First we have to accept the limits of what we CAN control & what we're CHOOSING to control (I was personally deluding myself about that) and then work toward securing ourselves so that WE can become/stay healthy individuals. If you search for threads about the "hula hoop" theory it talks about those limits of control in a way that's easy to visualize.

Kindly said, but I have seen again & again in life & here at SR that the progression of this disease does not accelerate at the same speed throughout the process. So many times people (myself included) wake up one day, look at this person & think, "Who the hell ARE you??"

I hope this is ok with jarp, but I would point you to her threads when she started SR. One minute she was dealing with a high-functioning alcoholic & the next minute her world was pretty well flipped 180. (he is working toward sobriety, btw) I always remember her story because of the rapid turn of events.

This reading was fundamental to me in the beginning, figuring out what was in my hula hoop and what wasn't.

If she's hiding booze in her trunk and sneaking drinks on the drive home from work, I guarantee you have only seen the tip of the iceberg. You have no idea what you don't know yet.

3. Should I be concerned with her hiding alcohol? YES. This is a major red flag. Don't leave the kids alone with her, especially if they're really little. Don't let her drive them around.

4. How to I overcome the hurt of being deceived? Uh, I don't know the answer to that one, I'm still figuring it out.

Her lying is not about you -- it's about the addiction protecting itself, and her ability to maintain her addiction without your interference. For me, the only solution was interfering with the addiction and refusing to accommodate it in my home and with my kids, but unfortunately that also meant letting go of my husband altogether. He still drinks, still lies. His drinking status had nothing to do with me.

Welcome, stick around, keep reflecting and posting questions. A wealth of experience here.

SAHD....keep reading and educating yourself.

Like any alcoholic...she will continue to do what she "has" to do to protect her drinking. Right now, alcohol--the disease--is in control of her. Until she is ready for recovery--she is going to do what she HAS to do to satisfy her powerful compulsions.

Knowing this....the issue for you is: What are you going to do? This will be your challenge.

I will add that, as the person continues down the path...we, who are closest to them begin to alter our own behaviors...often in subtle ways and usually, not at a conscious level. We are usually not even aware that we are doing this! It happens slowly, and m ounts up over time.

We are always a part of the overall "dance" in some ways. It is usually not apparent to us, though.
She already knows how you feel about this. Otherwise she wouldn't be covering up.

You and she already both "know".

As you go along, you will learn m uch and you will gain more clarity.

dandylion

Sorry, this is the link I was referring to: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

5. Am I forgetting something or jumping to conclusions? Forgetting something? Not sure where I can answer that. Jumping to conclusions? Yes. And that isn't supposed to be a bad thing. You are not stupid. Trust me you will feel plenty of that before this is over.[/QUOTE]


Aha! This is what I have problems with - jumping to conclusions -
Light bulb moment: THAT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A BAD THING.

:c029:

Thanks for the insight! :)

You have been given lots of great advice and suggestions for moving forward. I speak from the recovering “A” side of things and in full disclosure I am Schnappi’s wife (who responded earlier in this thread.) Your thread resonates with me very much because I was your wife and my husband very easily could have been writing your post verbatim. I speak from the perspective of “if we had a crystal ball” and if we had to do it all over again knowing what we do now what would we have done differently. I will say perhaps in my own defense, that there are some problem drinkers/alcoholics that will never stop drinking no matter how far down they go. There are some people however, you may not encounter these stories on this forum, where our “bottom” isn’t as far down. We are in the category of “not yets” and I accept this and know this. When faced with the ultimatum of family or booze I chose my family. It got me sober and keeps me sober. I don’t mean to throw my husband under the bus in any of my answers here but merely some thoughts from the trenches.

It turns out she drank the beer while driving home from work. The excuse is that her job is very stressful around the holidays, and that she recognizes the big mistake. My concern is the overall growing frequency and amount in which she drinks. Usually, it's minimal. But throw in a party, or extreme stress, and clearly self-destructive decisions can be made.

Questions:
1. What is my role in this?- You can’t control how she is choosing to cope with stress. You can however try to be aware of what is stressing her out. Learn how to listen, kindness and empathy are welcomed. Ask “what can I do to help?” and don’t problem solve unless she asks for advice. I work in IT in a team of males and I struggle with just wanting to be heard and not “fixed” constantly. I confess in my drinking days to have justified it by saying to myself “he just doesn't understand me I may as well drink” on more than one occasion. Loneliness and isolation occur on both sides of the aisle.

2. Does my drinking have impact on her? I don't drink often, but when I do drink socially I can consume quite a bit.- No they do not from my perspective. I was an emotional drinker and how much or how little anyone around me did not, nor does it cause temptation. These days “the boundary” keeps me in check but what tempts me is not other people drinking. The vast majority of my problem drinking occurred in secret to medicate stress, anger, anxiety, and fear. I’m not your wife but this is where I was coming from.

3. Should I be concerned with her hiding alcohol? Yes this is very much a sign of at the very least a problem drinker.

4. How to I overcome the hurt of being deceived? I’ll leave this to others to answer. Hurt from being deceived you may never get over.

5. Am I forgetting something or jumping to conclusions. No you are not.
Like your wife I was a high functioning alcoholic and fortunately stopped before any awful things happened however difficult it was on the home front. I don’t think my husband was ready for imposing the boundary until the end but what would have worked and ended my drinking much sooner is the “I will not live with an active alcoholic” ultimatum. One must be ready and prepared to follow-through with such a boundary however. Idle threats are quickly realized by the “A” and we are well known for pushing them if given a chance. For me “I will stop drinking” merely turned into a game of “I will hide it much more carefully” I’ll fully confess but I am not your wife and hopefully this will not be the case with her. I would also add that monitoring expenditures, looking for hiding spots, calculating how much she drinks will merely drive YOU crazy and achieve little in the long run so I’d advise against that approach however tempting it may be for you.

I apologize for the lengthy reply. I realize and regret in hindsight the pain and anguish I put my family through. I wish you well in your journey wherever it may lead.

Peace,

Cookies

Thank you for the lengthy reply. The fact you see so many similarities in our stories gives me comfort and hope that my gut is right. Both that she does have a problem, and that she can be in control of it. Great point about where "rock-bottom" is for some people. For instance, she is so dedicated to her work that being even a few minutes late is not something that happens. So if she were ever a half hour late, or missed work, or a family function, I'm confident that would open her eyes that something was off. For now, this beer in the trunk was a "one-time thing" and only time will tell if that's the truth.

On a side note: I'm blown away by the responses. I am feeling much more confident today than yesterday and during my sleepless last night. Thank you all so much for taking your time to post, offer perspective, and help.

If she admitted to drinking and driving once, the truth is it was probably ten times that. There's never just one cockroach.

I applaud your efforts to learn more about addiction. I'm a recovering alcoholic (23 years) and also recovering codependent. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and probably the biggest hindrance to getting sober is denial and rationalization, which also affect the codependent. Of course hiding it is a sign of alcoholism and since everyone knows you shouldn't drink and drive, so is consumption behind the wheel of a car. She couldn't wait until she got home to drink. Unless you tie her down and pour it down her throat none of your words or actions contribute to her drinking. I define myself as an alcoholic because once I pick up a drink I have no control over how much I drink or what happens. For active alcoholics booze is their higher power, great love of their life, God and best friend.

Regarding getting over the hurt, I don't have much to offer in the way of advice. This is very typical, common alcoholic behavior. I do recommend Alanon, a 12 Step program for people involved with alcoholics.

I can absolutely say beyond anything else one thing. Once I learned about Alcoholism, it helped me erase any doubts to not trust my instincts. The saying "It walks like duck, talks likes a duck and quacks like a duck, its probably a duck......the AC will expend countless hours of energy trying to convince you that it isn't a duck and you are stupid for even thinking there could be a duck.

I may have not known she was an AC, but I KNEW something wasn't right. It took her a LOT of effort to make me feel stupid. But once I did....I REALLY did. In the end I felt stupid for feeling stupid. Welcome to alcoholism.

Trust your instincts. It's about the clearest conversation you will ever have when it comes to dealing with living with an Alcoholic.