When does the fog lift
 

It's been a little over a week since my A dumped me. I find myself obsessing. I sleep all day on the couch. I don't even sleep in my bed anymore as it brings back memories of us together. I'm not showering like I should. I am going on my work appointments only half the time; I have the luxury of working from home so a lot of autonomy.

I'm really low. Feeling so rejected. As dysfunctional as it was I still love him and I'm missing him terribly. The sadness is so visceral. I'm going to Coda and Al-anon meetings. I'm seeing a therapist...yet the more days that pass without hearing from him the more depressed I feel, and the finality of it is becoming reality.

Jodie this is grief, and it is natural and no one can tell you how long it will last. Please don't judge it, or yourself, as something negative or a failure. You have been through a traumatic relationship and a traumatic breakup and it's only been a week. We don't move past things that fast, we just don't. Have faith that you are doing all you can do with therapy, meetings, rest, and no contact. Be nice to you.

I couldn't say it any better. I just wanted to post to lend some support. It is hard, no way around it.

Just feel all the feelings, and let them go when it's time. This is all temporary. It gets better.

Thank you. I'm crying, no appetite, the loneliness is surreal. The silence. Hearing nothing from him is shocking. I keep checking my phone. Still on the couch...no motivation to get up.

I don't understand why I'm grieving so hard and he gets off the hook so easily. He is out and about (people have told me) and he's also buying a house and excited. Why am I the one dealing with all the trauma while he feels relieved to have it end?

I agree with everyone else as well.
Something that always holds me back is not finding acceptance. Once you can find acceptance, the fog will begin to lift.
Acceptance is huge.
Accepting he is what he is.
You are who you are.
The past is what it is.
Once that takes place you begin to move forward.

Another positive is that you ARE living through this. You ARE surving and you ARE working through it.
You aren't killing the pain with alcohol or substances. You are REALLY FEELING it and its a really good thing to do for yourself.

People that skip this part pay for it later, through more dysfunctional relationshios, or addictions. :/
Hugs my Dear.

Don't compare your behind-the-scenes with someone else's highlight reel.

You don't know what he's feeling. That's your imagination making things harder for you. Try to let it go.

You don't know what he is or isn't getting away with. I know you feel like you know each other inside and out but that's Hollywood talking. In real life, many people who are tremendously unhappy or in tremendous pain are freaking geniuses at putting up a good front.

And ultimately, how he's doing isn't your challenge. How YOU are doing is. Your states of being are not connected, except inasmuch as YOU BELIEVE they are.

Letting go is the hardest thing we ever learn to do. You are, believe it or not, already on the path to learning how to do it, and further along than you think. There is no substitute for time and space when it comes to healing and growing.

Hugs, Jodie. This is tough stuff but you will be okay.

Hugs Hugs Hugs...prayers for you during this difficult time. The sun will come out tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
The sun will come out

Jodie,
I complained about my XAH out having a good time also. This is what a comment from an A said. I know I keep posting other peoples comments but they do help me go back and read them. Hope this helps.

He may be out every night with friends, but you are looking at this from the eyes of someone who is not addicted. He CANNOT see it from the perspective of missing you, home, or family; he had to choose his alcohol/drugs or family/relationships. He chose alcohol/drugs - because he believes he cannot live without them. That is the insanity of addiction, it is not about you or love or how much fun he is having now. He needs his DOC like he needs oxygen, this is what it is like to live as an addict or alcoholic.no lasting good will come from inviting him over for the night. Until you can move forward, you will be imprisoned by your past.

Think of this time like a good workout: if it doesn't hurt, it means we're not doing it right. If we stop or start half-a$$ing it when it gets difficult, we never get any stronger.

I know exactly how you feel. I have been there. Time will make things clearer. Give yourself time to grieve. What helped me was to focus on me. I started thinking of all the things I havent done that I would like to do. New beginnings.

He said he appreciated how great I've been with his kids the last 5 years, and that I'm a very good person, but we aren't right for each other because I drive him crazy. I was crying and told him he would regret this and he said "that's what you always say." Then he told me I needed help for my anger and he's emotionally spent. And also said that I was too weak right now because I'm losing my hair. How callous and cruel is that!! He said he doesn't have a problem with alcohol (although he's been to rehab 3 times). But anytime I've tried to end it with him he's threatened to kill himself and calls me 100 times a day.

^^^This, this, this.^^^^

I was devastated when I broke it off w/XABF, even though I knew I had no other choice. There were days when I just had to focus on breathing in and out, and I considered that a day well spent.

I started a ritual hike in my neighborhood, and there was a particular tree that reminded me of him. I would stop and touch the tree, and sometimes weep. Then march on. By the end of the hike, I always felt better.

And when I was ready, I re-started old hobbies - for me, music and writing - and I started saying yes to every invitation, no matter how lame (boring neighborhood xmas party) just to get out.

And little by little, it took at least 6 months, I started feeling like myself again.

Hang in there Jodie, you're going to be OK. If you are devoted to yourself, your life will become richer and happier than it ever was before.

I can't tell you exactly when, but I can tell you that it will. My ex-fiance and I split up the day before Thanksgiving. Just within the past two days, it's really lifting. I thought it never would. I honestly felt, in those early weeks, that there was no way I was ever going to see my way out of the depression, pain, longing and intense feelings of being completely abandoned. I'm far from completely over everything, but I can finally say that I really feel like I'm getting there. I can't give you a timeline, but you're not too far behind me, so just hold on a little longer, Jodie. All of this is natural. I posted only a few days ago asking if what I was going through was normal because I thought I was quite possibly losing my mind.

I did the same things you're doing now. I couldn't move. I felt like I couldn't even breathe, literally. I ended up seeing my doctor because between the heart flutters that I could feel in my chest and my throat, the feeling of being unable to breathe, loss of sleep and feeling like I wanted to climb out of my own skin, I thought there was something terribly wrong with me medically. Diagnosis: anxiety. Go figure.

I didn't move off of my couch unless I had to. All I looked forward to was the next time I could sleep because it was an escape from the horrendous feelings I was having. If it wasn't for my daughter, I would have probably stayed in bed all day and night. I felt like everything I knew was torn out from under me and I didn't know how to function anymore. I couldn't eat and I completely hid from the world (thankfully I'm on winter break from school because I'm unsure how I would have gotten through classes). On the eating thing.... please try to at least get something down and drink water if you can't tolerate anything else. I always tend to not eat when I'm really upset and I can tell you, without a doubt, that it exacerbates how you're already feeling. Even if it's just a few crackers with cheese, some dry cereal with a glass of water, just get something into you every few hours if you possibly can. Trust me on this.

I came on this board often. I thought everyone that kept telling me I was ok and that I'd get through it couldn't possibly understand how badly I was feeling. I had to be a special case because I couldn't even begin to grasp what they were telling me. I was going to be ok? This was normal? I was better off without him? I'd begin to heal and look forward to my future? I had to work on me? Block his number? Go no contact? WHAT?! HUH? In my mind I kept thinking that they obviously had NO IDEA how bad this was destroying me! Maybe what they were telling me worked for everyone else, but no way was any of it going to work for me! I was too far gone. I loved him too much and they just didn't understand how shredded my heart was! But you know what, they were right. Everything that I've been told here has happened or is in the process of happening. If you asked me two weeks ago, I would have never believed any of it. I felt like nobody could have loved their A as much as I loved mine because they just weren't getting how badly I was hurt and how impossible it was to think about me when my mind was completely and utterly obsessed with him! They know what they're talking about Jodie -- we're so lucky in that we have those who've fought on this battlefield before us and can tell us how to find our way off of it.

What has helped me to date was learning as much as I possibly could about addiction. It took a while for me to digest it all and for it to really sink in. Addiction is addiction. They won't allow anything or anyone to come in between them and their addiction. I know my fiance loved me -- not a doubt in my mind -- but, he did, does, and always will love his alcohol more. I don't want to come second to anything. I shouldn't have to. You shouldn't either.

The other thing that really helped me was to focus on what "I" wanted in a relationship instead of focusing on what I had just lost. When I really sat with this, I realized that there really wasn't a lot in the way of what I wanted that I was actually getting out of our relationship. My fiance was so good to me in his way, but there was SOOO much missing. The things that were missing are things that it's impossible for an addict to give. Why was I settling for less than what I wanted? That's something I'm still working through. I imagine my perfect relationship (I know none are perfect) and in all honesty it was nothing like what I was living with with my ex. Sad.

Reading this board was a tremendous help. Posting here when I was at a loss or really struggling and letting what others said truly sink in is what got me through the darkest points, and there were many. I think I was literally in a state of shock the first week or so. In my mind, I figured he'd realize what he was losing and come crawling back, willing to get help so that he wouldn't lose me. NOPE. Didn't happen. THAT is when reality struck me over the head HARD. And, that is also when my true healing began. I never thought I'd say this, but at this point, if he begged me back and had God standing next to him promising me he'd get help, I wouldn't do it. It isn't even just his alcohol addiction, it's what is underneath it all too. I'm starting to see that the issues go much deeper than just the alcohol and that's just not what I can, or want to, deal with anymore.

I care about him and I might always feel that way, or I might not...who knows. I'll always wish him peace from the demons that are destroying him, but just like I had to finally buckle down and help myself, he has to do the same. Nobody could do this for me and nobody can do what needs to be done for him, except him. I've finally, after some serious battling within myself, accepted that. I think I've finally started to accept a lot as far as this situation goes. I never thought it would happen, but thank God it is. It's so much more peaceful and so much easier once you stop fighting with yourself and accept what is and what can and can not change.

Also, please don't beat yourself up. This is hard and it's a lot! I tend to analyze myself and criticize myself harshly when I'm not doing what I feel I should be doing, or not doing it fast enough. I did this the other day when I posted asking if what I was going through was normal. On top of being beat up by the relationship ending, I was beating myself up more. Please try not to do that. Remember to cut yourself some slack...you need some right now to get through this.

Hugs Jodie - I know there is no way you'll believe it at this point because I didn't either, but this may just end up being a very big blessing in disguise. In more ways than one.

Hang in there girl... I KNOW how brutal it is, but I promise that it's going to get better. You're going through the worst of the storm right now, but calmer weather is just ahead. Stay strong.

Excellent post Halo. You summed it up perfectly.

This too shall pass Jodie. I promise as well.

Yes. Halo said it better than I ever could. I HATE my AXBF, but it still hurts to think of him meeting someone else. You are mourning a death...the death of a relationship. BUT YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT!

Can anyone help me understand my above post please?

Time takes time. I hate that saying, but it describes the grief process pretty well. Increasing Alanon meetings, making phone calls and getting out of your isolation helps. I started fast walking and that really helped unscramble my brain.

There is no logical answer to that.

There is another post on the forum today that is very good and applies here. I can't say it better so here is a link to it. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5137076

The only part of those things he said to you that you should believe is:

You were great with his kids.

You are a good person.

BUT WE AREN’T RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER….. (Believe this part the most.)

But why aren't we right for each other (Rhetorical question of course)?? He told me every day he couldn't live without me and was going to spend the rest of his life with me and couldn't possibly imagine life without me.

I know you want to be able to understand why he says what he says. I have felt that ache. I have felt that thing that says, if only I UNDERSTOOD him I could make everything better -- I could change into the person that won't get all these confusing messages.

In all my years of learning about alcoholism, the only thing I can tell you is, he does and says those things because he is an addict, and as personal as it feels, it doesn't have anything to do with you. He's an addict. It's about his addiction.

The more energy and time I poured into trying to figure him out, the less energy and time I had to figure ME out. To take care of myself. To start healing.

Because he’s an alcoholic who used words for a long time to manipulate you. (real life)

Because he has the voice of alcoholism in his head. When it comes down to it everyone and everything else will be sacrificed in order to follow that voice.

Thank you everyone for your responses, I am so grateful for you all. You are playing a big role in my healing. Please know I am reading each and every one of your responses; they are not falling on deaf ears. I just need to have these things beat into my head repeatedly! Please keep responding! ;)

I am just amazed that I am a professional, successful, financially stable, and a nice girl yet he was able to crumble me. He left his wife as well....she is so beautiful, has her Masters degree and is a guidance counselor, etc. I think he gets bored after awhile or just doesn't want to hear nagging anymore. He is very successful and known around town as the "hottest guy in the city" so he is sought after by many women and won't have trouble replacing me. I'm just so pissed I wasted 5 years of the latter part of my child bearing years with this self centered jerk, and then he dumps me!!!

Honey, pick yourself up. Get in the shower. Focus.

One thing that we did in my house when I got divorced was switch rooms around. What was my bedroom is now my daughter's, her room is my other daughter's, and that daughter's room is now mine. I also got a new bed. I had to LOL b/c the bed was his to take. I bought a used bed cheap, a cheapo mattress, and a really really nice thick mattress topper for it. We redecorated all of the rooms. It is great, when I go upstairs to the bedrooms and bathroom, it does not even resemble what it looked like when we were married.

This helped me move forward, and I think it helped my kids too.

Tight hugs. I know it seems it, but a week is not long. Do nice things for you during this time.

XXX

One thing alcoholics do, I think, is to say the things they think they are supposed to say. You wanted to hear a lot of romantic "I love yous" so he complied. It doesn't mean he didn't love you at all, but he probably isn't capable of loving you the way you thought he did, and the way you thought he meant it. Alcoholics are usually pretty stunted in the emotional development department, but can do a good job of pretending to be what they aren't for the sake of getting along in the world. Eventually even the pretenses usually crumble.

You will be OK--promise. It's only been a short period of time. It took me months and months to get over some of my breakups. In fact there's one from college that still sticks in my craw for some reason. That's the only one, though--and actually, the only serious relationship where *I* got dumped. So that may be part of it. No matter how much it was in your interest to break up, it hurts to feel rejected.

One thing alcoholics do, I think, is to say the things they think they are supposed to say. You wanted to hear a lot of romantic "I love yous" so he complied. It doesn't mean he didn't love you at all, but he probably isn't capable of loving you the way you thought he did, and the way you thought he meant it. Alcoholics are usually pretty stunted in the emotional development department, but can do a good job of pretending to be what they aren't for the sake of getting along in the world. Eventually even the pretenses usually crumble.

Lexi, I think you just nailed it for me with this. There were so many times that I felt my XAF's words and actions were sort of almost scripted. Almost like he was doing what he was supposed to do because he knew he was supposed to do it.

Sometimes it almost seems like he knew how bad he was and I was his cover. If we were together, raising a child, running a household, planning a wedding and doing all of the normal things that normal couples do, he could convince himself and others that he wasn't progressing with the alcoholism as badly as he was.

Sort of like "acting" normal to prove himself was more important than anything else. Like he was trying to prove something. Sometimes he just tried way too hard and it didn't feel sincere. Does that make an ounce of sense?

Too many revelations today. My head is spinning.

My heart is breaking today. Very dark and low.

I had a rough one today too Jodie. You're not alone. This is so hard.