A long road - Part 2
 

This is part 2 of the thread "A long road". I had to split it because it got too long for the server. Part 1 is here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html

Mike :)
Moderator, SR

Thank you Mike. :hug:
and thanks to all who have been so kind as to walk with me... I appreciate it so much more than I can say:grouphug:

Bump.
How are things going at home Chic?

Well, crummy, but maybe thats good..haha
I stated yesterday, to him, through the door, that the 12th is the day they will turn off the internet. he just said, ok. then proceeded to fuss, coming out of his cave and saying his usual... why, what, blab blab...
finally i said, "just one hour a week and you cannot do that to have internet?" That shut him up, for some reason. I hope that means he is thinking about that.
he knows where to call. I think I will like the samsung 7"

hugs!

the fact that he refuses to give you the respect of speaking to you FTF is another reason to stick to your original plan...that is just rude and he is acting so entitled protecting the privacy of space YOU PROVIDE for him, rent free, free utilities, free internet, free laundry service, free maid service and grocery service..everything he HAS is courtesy of mama.

maybe you want to tell him if he can't speak to you FTF, the door is coming off and have your son in law there when you say it.

I'm sorry to sound so harsh , but this thread was begun 2 MONTHS ago and he is still jerking your chain and has done nothing to get his own phone, 1/2 hearted attempts to get a job (it doesn't take CIA clearance to work at mcdonalds)...his line is getting old. and he is doing what he has done for 8 years, wear you out.

David is enchanted with his Samsung 7"!

Thanks Live. that may be the best way to go for me. good to hear that David loves his.

Fandy, I don't do his laundry..lol.

Refiner, are you sure you are not my ex's wife? you sound so much like her.

None of this is so simple. No one but me is willing to even deal with my son . If it was so easy, I would not be trying to get mental help for him.

Chicory,

You are doing great. All of this is a process and takes time. You are trying to make necessary and difficult changes so be gentle with yourself.

Hugs!!

Ps. 2 months? Heck, it took me 2 YEARS to finally leave my STBXAH after joining SR and therapy. We all do things in our own time.

Well, to be really honest with you,Refiner, you do not know my situation. I resent you inferring that I am making excuses. I assure you I am not. It this thread bothers you, please put me on ignore. I do not need negative feedback right now. I am getting all the help I need, with therapy, and my support system here.

Thank you LoveMeNow. I appreciate your encouragement.
SR is an amazing resource. I am learning a lot, in bits and pieces. Its pretty fascinating sometimes, when I see light where once there was a wall.

I just don't want you to wake up one morning, realize it is your 65th birthday and he is still there not doing anything except playing on his desk top.

bump, I guess tomorrow is the day you will shut off your internet service? I hope you are OK and take care of YOUR needs in that you have a plan to keep in touch with us.

I hope that things improve and the road finally gets some fresh pavement.

had to call crisis hotline last night. they will be calling him today. I hope he will agree to counsel.

not a pretty or comfortable place right now, but I hope that this is all going to work for good.

(((((((((((((((((Chicory)))))))))))))))))

oh Chic, I was thinking that you were out with family or friends since you had been scarce around these parts.

I hope things calm down for you soon.

I remember going through crapola with LMF (she was 16), she absolutely drove me right over the edge by creating both drama and trauma. Eventually I sent her to live with her father (across the highway one mile away), I could NOT control her and she was still a minor. She wouldn't DARE disrespect her father, drunk or sober, he was able to reign her in to finish school, she did what he said, no other options were given.

she spent many an evening in counseling and therapy and the 3 of us spent many a Saturday in family counseling to air our grievances.

Chicory.....I know that you were in dread of this day as it was very predictable that he was going to be angry. Good move to call the hotline. That shows that you can take constructive action under fire, so to speak.

Are you going to work today? I think getting out of house for most of the day would be best for you. Could you get an emergency appointment with your therapist---in form of a phone call, even?

Hang tight, Chicory till this storm passes over.

dandylion

I believe that this is the day that the internet is turned off....?

Chicory...I can't tell you the number of similar angry exchanges I have been through when I was facing the same thing.
By the mercy of God I lived through it...and, so did he. He told me that he hated m e so many times.....and, it hurt like He**. I cried rivers of tears. The hardest thing for me is that I didn't have the kind of support that I needed, at the time. In desperation...I finally found more help and understanding and knowledge. I certainly needed more understanding of alcoholism than I had at the time. Now he tells me that he is ashamed of how he behaved "back then".....and he tells me that he loves me.

Be safe Chicory, for our family it was at that point of intolerable, out of control
and misery. I found in hindsight that it had to come to its highest level of terrible
before all the proactive work that hubby and I did started to work. You have worked
this very productively for yourself/son and perhaps this is the turning point.

I send my affection and my best prayers. I think uncomfortable is a kind way to say it..
Somehow it seems to me I used vulgar language that even made me blush!

Good luck Chic. This could be a painful but necessary beginning for your son, and you. Look after yourself.

Well, no one called him or me today, from the crisis center, as they said they were going to. Maybe they are too busy with all the other crazies.

today was his last chance to make an appt. He has refused. I talked to the internet co. a few minutes ago, and will decide whether to just put it on seasonal hold or turn it off. I dont really want to use a small device for a year, you know? I think that if I put it on seasonal hold, I can turn it back on in six months, without having to pay another fee to have it turned back on. In six months i reckon things will be different here. somehow.

I am headed to wally world again. have done some research. daughter is going with me tomorrow to see what we can find and at the best price. she is a good bargain finder:)

will be around tonight, off work tomorrow, but tomorrow I hope I will have some sort of internet for me. I guess if he goes bonkers tomorrow, I will call the crisis center. and let them evaluate him then, which should calm him down. but if not, they can take him to a hospital, should he be out of control. I dont think it will come to that, but I will call in help should he become abusive.

I have an appt next wednesday with my therapist.

You are all right. Maybe this will bring something positive. Its a sure thing that if nothing changes, nothing changes.. I learned that here:)

big hugs, and thank yous, because I am grateful for your help:grouphug:It has kept me sane.

chicory......well, it looks like he doesn't "get" the reality of it, yet. I doubt that he will as long as the internet is still active. He probably can't really visualize that you would go that far.....since you have never been that firm with him , before. The day it goes off, I would suggest staying out of the house as much as possible. It might be a good idea for family or friends to "just pop in" for short visits while you are there---really, to dampen his acting out.

You sound focused and determined.

By next wednesday...do you mean tomorrow?

dandylion

please don't allow him to BULLY an THREATEN you...ask for help, your son in law can step in where the crisis center is too slow. you need someone to tell him how it is, not how he can push you around. really, be careful and do not let him get near you.

I worry and do not like the way he is acting towards you with such disrespect.

LMF once punched me (at age 16) and cracked my rib.
I jumped over the coffee table and punched back.....it was not a pretty mommy moment...but I was much younger and agile.

Hugs and prayers (((chicory)))

Of course, on his terms, he came to me tonight and asked for the name of the place, and I believe he is resigned to go. If he wasn't so mentally screwed up I would tell him forget it, but i really want him to go.
I dont know what tomorrow will bring. I may not have internet by afternoon, but I will manage to get here to keep everyone informed. I am not really afraid, as he won't do anything as long as another person is on the phone with me, even.

I am seeing my T a week after tomorrow. I did not want to tie up tomorrow , because of having to probably shop for my new tablet, daughter will be taking me around for a good deal:)

Somewhere inside me, I believe he would like help. I know I might be wrong, but I have seen things and I think he might just appreciate having someone to understand him... we cannot talk...its very unhealthy and frustrating.

hoping this is all going to have at least one little bit of good come from it...

hugs
chic

Chicory - I have a family member that sounds very similar to your son. Everyone enabled him with a rent free place, new cars, money, etc. Then one day, his dad had enough! It didn't end pretty but it ended.

He went out on his own that day, got and kept a job and eventually married. He is still some what estranged from the family but he is happy, living the life he wants. Just wanted to share my ES&H.

Ps. He refused all help but once he went out on his own, he actually did much better then anyone expected.

Thanks LMN. I think he would leave in a heartbeat if he had a car, money, and friends who could take him in. But he is pretty much stuck, and I cannot put him out to be homeless. I tried that once, and won't go that route.
I am taking the long way...lol...

It really helps to read about others who have had this sort of experience. It gives me something to compare this to.

I am glad your family member found happiness. That is just wonderful. I could only hope my son could be that sane, as to be able to make it. Who knows, my next adventure may be getting strong enough to throw him out.. heaven knows I hope not! but I plan on not fixing things as much, less and less, and make things more and more uncomfortable.

I do not think he believes in his self. maybe my fault:( Heaven help us.

:hug: and thank you for sharing! It helps.

Oh he didn't take his car, he had no job, and did about $15,000 worth of damage with a baseball bat to his father's rental apartment before he left on foot. He destroyed the plumbing too.

No one in the family was going to help him. He rented a room by the week until he got more established. He started with delivering pizzas and went from there.

Chic, your son can get a job anytime he wants and pay for internet as you said.
As I said before, mcdonalds, walmart, pizza delivery, busboy, dishwasher...do not require CIA security clearance.
Enjoy your new tablet.

Chicory......good luck, today. Will be thinking of you.....

dandylion

I hummed and haaa d at this post, i know i should not ask, and i dont want to hurt you...but i gotta ask

whats with your guilt? what do you feel guilty for?


it seems to me you have alot of guilt when it comes to him...why?

***i am sorry if this is a stupid question but my mom has guilt with me...(she has lots..)we talk alot, now that i am in AL ANON. I told my mom, i am fine, if it wasnt for what BACK BONE she had with me growing up...i would not survive my husbands death...i am a strond, independent woman...mom thinks she was too hard on me and not ENOUGH on my brother....[part of my drunks in her family] this is part of my story of the As in my life***