Sorry, didn't mean to stick my nose in.

thanks Dandylion.

I am sorry to hear that your husband died. How sad, to have him, have such a good parent for your boys, and then to lose him. then you have those marriages from he## that seem to go on forever...

yep, I figure my dating days are over. I will be the lone rocking chair cat lady.

who knows, though. I just went a-googling, and found some good volunteer opportunities. I give to Shared Harvest, and they have volunteer positions. I think feeding hungry would be a good way to use extra time and I would meet alot of nice folks. they have a program to distribute foods to kids in school on fridays, so they can take them home. God bless those who do not have enough to eat. what a horrible blemish on our country.

I am glad you had a wonderful marriage. I have always been sad that i could not find that, in my life.

Suki, you silly baby girl... I am glad you are here:hug:

OH, chicory....do not dispair. You have years to have a love relationship! Now, people are even marrying into every decade of life.

I knew a woman who got married in her mid 80's--and, that was several years ago.
She was a retired schoolteacher and had been a volunteer in my office 2x a week. That is how I met her--and we became good friends! But, she met a man when she sold her house and moved into a retirement community. She had not planned on that at all!!!

It is all about attitude, baby.... (don't stop moisturizing, yet).

dandylion

p.s. "older" couples no longer feel that marriage is always required.

thanks for the encouragement, dandylion. it would be awesome to find someone who understood me.. it would be freaking a miracle, actually:)


*chic goes looking for her ponds cold cream*

I decided to detach from worrying about whether son brings home beer.. his first paycheck today, in a long time. He knows I don't want him to. but I just cannot imagine him not sneaking some in here tonight! lol.

gonna let it go.

I had this epiphany today- If I am always worried about something, upset and obsessive, I will miss the lovely, funny, and really good things that could make my day a winner. I know I have heard it said a bazillion times,,, but for some reason, I understood it today.

hugs

((((CHIC)))) You have to do what you can live with. It's so easy for others to advise you or tell you what they think you should do, but when it comes down to it, you have to be able to live with yourself and the choices you make.

Why worry about something that has not yet happened? You cannot spend all your time supposing what might happen before it actually does.
You made a boundary, he breaks it, you follow through. Otherwise he is going to play you.

Well, he made effort to assure me no alcohol came home with him. so far, so good.
My power supply died , in my tower... full of dust and cat hair, ugh. He replaced it for me, so that was nice. He is having his expresso, I can smell it. Smells like a skunk, but tastes good.

gonna crash, tomorrow is another day of corsages! last minute orders, makes me crazy.
I did a bridal bouquet tonight, for a guy who is recovered from heroin. He is so inspiring and does a lot of volunteer things for the recovery groups in our town. He always asks about my son, and says he will pray for him. He encourages me not to ever let him be homeless in this town.( no worry there).. he says that heroin is so bad here. Its on our front pages, about how many od's the firedept attends to each week. Its very sad.

I am grateful tonight for the laughter I was able to enjoy today. I decided to contribute good, instead of anxiety and conflict, at work, and in life. to not let the people who would like to be a pain in peoples buttissimos succeed. it truly made for a better day.

love and hugs.

See that? You were "so sure" he would drink his first paycheck, you worked yourself into a froth dwelling on what YOU imagine him to be thinking...
But truthfully, you cannot control him, just like you can't "save" him.
He respected your rule, yippee! Enjoy this.
Take pride in the gorgeous flowers you create, ( i would avoid sharing with the religious zealots )
Sheesh, espresso at 1130pm? I would be bouncing off the walls!
I love my caffee verona, but never touch caffeine after 12noon.

Haha, well, I stopped short of 'frothing', but I did start worrying, and then decided it was useless to worry... what's gonna be's gonna be.... to quote Bob Schreve(an old Cincinnati local celebrity).

He shared his day with me.. it went much better today. and he likes the people he is working with. He seemed quite happy this evening. a long way from being depressed and shut in his room. I am grateful for this.

I love Verona. I can drink it up to about 6pm, but only a cup. I make two tiny pots of coffee at work, but hardly get to drink it before it goes cold. I have a french press here at home somewhere, and love the coffee it makes.

I love the Verona kcups but buy it on sale only and limit myself...the A&P Italian dark roast is pretty good, but the foglifter tastes like weak dishwater.

I am a k-cup snob....I never got the hang of the FP and the grounds are too messy to wash constantly.

either way I think you are correct, your son has made real progress, I think this is because mama laid down the boundaries and rules. and was not a push over, I hope he will consider therapy for a few more sessions, (just to discuss his progress and to verify for him that he is OK).

I think that you can change the way you look at things too, you have made much progress yourself...it is getting better for both of you.

Well, son quit his job yesterday. I am surprised he lasted a week, actually. He was working in the deli, at a busy store. He got discouraged at being left without help, with the lines building up, waiting for their pickle loaf.

During the week he worked, two quit, two called off and one no- call, no- show. He seemed to like it, the people and felt good about working, but just jumped ship.

I have not said much about it. Just asked if he is looking for other work, and he told me about the places he is still applying for positions at. one sounds hopeful.

I am glad that I called my therapist last week. I go tomorrow. sigh.

at least he isn't drinking that I can tell, nor is he hounding me about the internet. I am trying to not to say much right now. somehow though, I cannot believe he is not sneaking booze into the house. if he is, he is being really sneaky about it. he never could control his self enough to be sneaky before..lol.

hugs. I am sad.I am trying to remain positive, while firmly expecting him to work. soon.

chicory.......I can imagine that your heart sank with a thud when you got this news.

I think you are taking the next right action (or reaction). Staying steady and making it clear that you EXPECT him to continue to pursue and maintain work.
I don't know if he considers one bump in the road enough to just "give up" and can the whole thing...? I'm just curious if he told you his "real" reason for quitting or not---like panicked at the pressure or fear of failure or .....maybe overwhelmed with frustration..or some such thing.
Really...I am just curious....It really is not your place to try to play therapist with him....
That would just drive both of you crazy and it wouldn't work, anyway.

A really significant thing that I see here...is that you did not take a defeatist "throw in the towel" kind of reaction. You seemed to "swallow hard" and continue forward in a steady manner. I know that probably wasn't easy...lol! I'm glad that you have your therapist appointment (today?).
I believe it is so important that you stay focused on yourself because, as difficult as the situation with your son is---it can't ever be the thing that determines your whole happiness--or lack of--in this life. You matter---regardless of any other circumstance in your life.

I still believe that you need a support group of live humans....and some other outside activities that you can enjoy and where you can make some other relationships.
I believe that would make a world of difference for you. It does for everybody else....

HEADLINE: "CINCINATTI WOMAN GETS NEW LEASE ON LIFE"!

dandylion

Thank you Dandylion. I am discouraged and disheartened today.

he probably quit because it was too stressful, frustrating, bosses scrutiny at their inability to keep up.. new people besides his self were working with him. he probably just was not driven enough to keep the job. not worth it. two weeks pay to spend... he did not put in savings and I bet he either is spending it on some beer, pot, or something, though I think it is probably pot. he does not act drunk, or as if drinking. he cannot moderate...
I sort of feel like my life is over, though I know that isn't the way to think.

He seems to be planning on working, finding work, talking to the other place who told him they have a few positions, but are waiting to talk with others too , who are applying. guess he wants to work, seemed to enjoy it, until the reality of the shattiness of that job sunk in. he isn't a baby, and could have tried to do his best. no excuse as far as I am concerned. he could have found another job before quitting. he wasn't shy about going in to work. not shy about making friends there. not shy about going for interviews, once he got started.
i think he uses me, really, on top of his lack of self esteem, self respect.

I am rather mad about it today. he is still in bed, and its noon. he should be up and looking. oh well.

I will ask my therapist about any groups. she may know.

thank you, and I am sorry for being negative. I am just hurt and sad and feeling hopeless today. no wonder my kids a mess.. he has me for an example of self care!

:hug:

chicory.....when I hear the "sad"....I think grief.......when I hear "hopeless'....I hear some level of depression. I wonder if that would be accurate....?

dandylion

Chic, I am sorry. You can "suppose" what he thinks until the cows come home.

measuring cold cuts or making sandwichs is stressful? BALONEY...no pun intended. He is 41 years old for christmas sake, not a 15 year old. he should not quit anything until he has another job.

in bed until noon? WHY? i smell a rat.

if you quit your job every week where would you be? if he doesn't get moving, go to your other boundary and MEAN IT. he NEEDS to see someone WEEKLY to get over this garbage.

Oh Chic, I am sorry to hear this. I send you huge huge hugs!!!!

I saw my therapist today. She recommended to continue putting pressure on him to go to counselling. I will call his medical insurance and find out who specializes in personality disorders. To talk with him, insisting that he find work (I am) and get counselling weekly.

Fandy, it is stressful. I am not making excuses, but I work in the dept next to the deli. I know what they go through. He told me today, that the line of angry customers was unnerving, and he had to explain to them that he did not know where anything was yet. some customers are not nice.

He has anxiety, and add, no doubt in my mind. I just hope that I can get him to go.

Dandy, I am depressed. I told my therapist, but I don't really want to take meds again. If you are down, there is usually a reason. I need to work on the reason. She spent most of my visit talking about getting him to counsel. guess that is my quest.

hugs to all. thanks for being here. I am down, and yes, I grieve for time lost, efforts wasted, but I will get back up again. just need to set some new hoops for him to jump through, not gonna be easy.

love and hugs.

chicory.....any discussion or thoughts regarding identifying a group for you?
If you have been depressed in the past....are you familiar with the other treatments for depression besides medication?

As difficult as the situation...it just can't be that your life can revolve around him 24/7.
You are entitled to a life of your own, also.

There is absolutely no way that your NOT having your own life is going to help your son.
In fact...it will hurt both of you....
Please give that some thought.....

I wonder if anyone has ever put you first.....ever?

Try to get a good night sleep....tomorrow is a brand new day where you get a "do over"

dandylion

Hi Guys,

I am new here.

I need your help since I broke up with my ex boyfriend who is an alcoholic but I can't forget him and everytime he calls me or texts me I always go to meet him. He hurt me several times phisically and mentally but I love him and can't forget him and move on with my life.


I know this is no good for me and I know I need to stay away from him but I feel like I can't do it.

Please give me some advices.

Thanks

Chic, I really agree with your therapist on this one. He needs to go, especially if he is not working.

I hope his other job application is accepted and he starts working at Lowe's? But quitting in the interim doesn't look good on employment history. I know you are not making excuses, but sometimes we all have to accept unpleasantness and mean people to keep our jobs., believe me, I know.

it seems that you worry a lot more about him than he worries about his circumstances.
You have to put him in the background sometimes and put your own wants/needs first. maybe meds short term will help you cope?

wtf is this staying in bed until noon? did you ask him?

Fandy, you are preaching to the choir here.

I know he needs to go to counselling. Why do you think I have tried so hard to get him there? I am doing all I can. Try one thing, if that does not work, try another. Its not as simple as pushing another button.

And of course it looks bad on employment history to quit. But that was not my choice, was not sanctioned by me, and I advised against it, to no avail. What can I do? Dress him and make him go?

Of course I worry more about him than he does his own circumstances-he has a personality disorder and anxiety. This feels better for him-to avoid the unpleasant . He justifies it in his mind, and follows through. He is my son, he needs help, and its normal to worry for him.

This wasn't going to be an easy thing to accomplish. But he's worth it to me, to the family.

You say put him in the background, yet did I ask why he was in bed til noon?

I am not on trial here. I am here to find strength to do what is right. I am here for support , and to share. Perhaps this thread his not healthy for others? If I seem to be codependent, I assure you, I am. I have been so for sixty some years, and it's not easy to undo old habits.

Dandylion, I find detaching to be a good defense against depression. I do have a life other than this, but this is pretty much on me, so I have to do something. Probably going to turn the internet off totally. I told him so yesterday, actually. Had quite the yelling match, and it hurts today to think of it.

it hurts to yell and criticize someone who you know has a problem, mentally, with self esteem, depression, and anxiety. He also takes me for granted, can do better, and does plenty of yelling back and justifying his choices, as he feels it.

money is an issue. I have to choose between my truck brakes, which wobble terribly when I use them, or a tablet for internet. I cannot justify spending money which I don't even have for the brakes, you know?

I matter to me, and will take care of myself. I asked the therapist about groups and she did not really know of any, but gave me a site to look in to, for possible groups.

need more coffee....
hugs
chic

NO ONE is putting you on trial except maybe you?

You were previously concerned that he was possibly bringing booze into the house, staying in bed until noon could constitute a hangover, (I know these things).

YOU made the boundary with him about no internet and now you are justifying not keeping it by fixing your truck brakes. OK, I understand this but he may see it differently, same for getting counseling, you say it but you won't push it.

all I am saying is that when you say something, you have to mean it or you are not taken seriously.

I understand that you're upset, no offense taken, enjoy your coffee and it is not safe, get the brakes fixed ASAP, borrow the $$, it is cheaper than an accident.

Fandy, you are pecking me with that duckbill.

chicory......trust me...I have been in your shoes in many respects. Not for a m inute do I minimize the difficulty. Actually, I empathize a great deal.
OMG...and, the money aspect, as well. I can remember boiling potatoes and putting them in our pockets to stay warm one winter when it would cost to much to get the heater replaced in my antiquated car.....and paying portions of the water bill at a time.
I know the stress of the economic "juggling act". You must be a very good money manager, as it is!

I know that you understand that he absorbs so much of your life energy. Making any kind of change is not easy...it requires a lot of fortitude....and it doesn't feel natural, at first.

It is just that I know, for sure, that the more you focus on your own needs...the less impact he will have on you. That is pretty much where I am coming from.
It is easy to get downhearted in the middle of the journey...I think that is always the main danger. (you have asked, in the past, that we keep reminding you of things to keep you going...LOL!). so, in a way I am trying to do that.

I can see that you are trying and that you haven't given up. Good for you. Be proud of that!

dandylion

Hi Chic, sorry to see things are going backward at the moment. FWIW, it doesn't sound like the job was a good fit for someone with his problems, anxiety etc. A line of irritable customers when you're new would rattle most people. A job which doesn't involve customer service might be better for him, but of course he has to take what he can get.

Better get the brakes fixed; don't want you having an accident.

Money-wise, how will you cope without some input from him? I'm not familiar with food-stamps or other safety nets in your area, but it sounds very much like he must access what he can to help with the budget. Is he paying anything at all to contribute to your expenses?

I think you've got two separate issues here - one is his mental health, and the other is you not coping emotionally and financially.

What can he do to contribute financially? Even without a job, and certainly once he gets one.
When he does have an income, can I suggest you get him to pay board? This will help a bit with the bills, and you can put it aside for him without telling him, if so inclined.

I know it's awful when you get some hope, and then it's dashed, but maybe this is just a setback. Try not to let depression allow you give up.

Dandylion, I appreciate encouragement, I really do.

I just get frustrated when someone thinks I am not doing enough, when I am doing everything I can at the moment. I don't want to defend myself by explanations here. It takes time to regroup and decide what next.

It must have been really tough, financially for you. so far I am doing ok, on the bills. I did tell him yesterday that if he wasn't going to save the money for a car, all of it, that he had to contribute to the bills here. He gets his last paycheck today. I am insisting as best one can, that he help here.

I am lucky, in that my bills are not too high here. the heating is good enough in winter. Potatoes in pockets,, my heart hurts for you , what you went through. I know many suffer a lot financially. I feel lucky to have a job. My brakes truly are not right-they wobbled a bit for a while now, but yesterday it was a lot more pronounced. I do have a mechanic who will fix them, and can use my daughters car if need be.

I am not a good money manager, my present circumstances shows that, but I try to be careful.

I cannot physically take money out of his hands, cannot physically push him out the door, etc etc etc, but am trying to work with him, while understanding his problem.
I feel so badly for losing my temper. He is in denial, and that isn't something I can convince him of. His same old excuses come out...and they don't fit anymore. because he quit his job... he should not be using the old 'can't find work, am depressed' excuse, you know?

its hard to work on detachment, while trying to put up boundaries and enforce them.

Its hard when you know that you will not put them on the street. Makes it tougher. because you cannot threaten to throw them out, if you know you won't. He needs help, and I will try to get him there... the tough thing is with the avoidant personality disorder, which she feels strongly that he has, they cannot see that the problem isn't everyone else's .

ok, working on detaching for the day. I have to work and focus on that. There are many good things in my life. I don't like being consumed by sadness and frustration. but that is just part of this, I think.

:hug:

Yes, chicory.....I do see that you are trying. You are now going to the therapist for help....you reduced many of his internet "pleasures"....you have been working on the detachment thing. You got him into the door of the therapist one or two times.....He finally got a job (such as it was)....he got 2 paychecks....and he was being more civil and helpful for a while....you are planning to get more outlets and support i nto your own arena....
Those were things that didn't even exist a few weeks ago.....That all happened from action on your part....
And, these things are proof that change IS possible....
Take heart from this...

The therapist is there to guide you through this process.....(let me tell you a little secret...the more she sees you working...the harder she will work for you).

The best thing I can tell you is to keep it up!.....and, that sounds like what you are doing.

dandylion

(((Chic)))